Exhilaration

"You'll feel happy."
He whispered sharply into my ear. His words shone hope onto my life. He was the only one who truly understood me.

For me, there was no hesitation. However, I knew I couldn't do it now. There was someone else, a kindred spirit, that I wanted to help too, to enlighten.

Quickly, he envelops me in his warm embrace and chuckles. "Come on, you know you want to do it. What's holding you back?" 

I snuggle deeper into his arms and welcome his comfort.

"Its the person who shares this apartment. I want to convince him to do it with me first. For some reason, he simply doesn't want to listen." I jest.

Hearing this, he smiles lightly and nods. "I'll wait for him to do it too. You're not alone my dear. Remember, it's your time now. I will always be by your side. I'll see you soon, when you decide to do it..."

The sensation of comfort and warmth disappears as he waves goodbye. I try to clutch on to his sweater, but his shadowy figure fades into the gloomy room.

I'll meet you again... There's no hope here...

I guess it's time to try again... 

I walk up to the roof of the apartment. It was windy. It felt playful. It was rejuvenating.

One strong gust of wind and a slip could end it all. Yet, I didnt feel any trepidation. As I hung my legs over the edge, I felt a sense of satisfaction from the near sight of life's endpoint. Still, I couldn't smile.

It was my fourth time here and it was the fourth time trying to convince him.  I know he likes me. I know that he faces exploitation. I just wish that he would end it all with me.

I wanted him to follow along. I knew he needed it. He seems happy... but I know it isn't genuine. I wanted him to truly be happy too.

Loud stomping then cuts me off my reverie. As usual, he holds me in his arms desperately as I feel a sense of indignation wash over. He rubs my back and I hug him back. 

"Why don't you do it with me?" 

"No! Why !? Just don't do this! Stop trying it over and over again! " He yells in agitation.

"As I said, I want to be happy. He is calling me!"

He shakes his head violently in frustration. "Who is calling you!? Don't listen to him!"

I push him away and speak with seething anger,"Why won't you understand!? You'll be happy if you just follow him!"

I thought he loved me... Why won't he just trust me!?

"Please..." he begs, "Please don't do this. Why do you trust him!? Why can't I make you happy enough to not do this!?"

"There is no happiness here. It's all grey. Can't you tell? I can't have the same happiness as others! I thought you felt the same as well!"

"Please... Don't do this. I... really do experience the same turmoil... but... I know to not give in to my own thoughts."

As always...He doesn't understand does he?

I peer off the roof and I see my friend, in the clearest I ever saw him. He, my only friend, stands there with open arms. Welcoming me at the bottom.

The streets glow ever brighter and the city lights seemingly brightens my peripheral vision. I smile, it is all about to come to an end. I finally smiled.
I turn to him and invite him over. He shakes his head. He starts to tear up. 

"I wanted to help you. I told  you there is nothing but sadness here." I say with elation. 

I continue to stare down. He smiles and my shoulders glide down as I let out a sigh of relief.

Exhilaration builds as my weight seems to topple over.
I'm closer..
The world goes brighter 
yet brighter 
and the sensation of freedom grows bigger
yet bigger.

I'm really close to it.

He is smiling... I can see it... How comforting...

"W-wait! I want to end it too!" 

My eyes widen in mirth. I lean back.

"You do? Well then... Quickly! Come here! Let's do it together!"

"Wait... First... I want to eat some food... I'm kind of hungry..." He says with a stagger as he chuckles nervously.

What.

"What...?

... We could go and eat... but we are immediately coming back up here alright?!"

"Yes! Of course!" He says excitedly.

I walk to him as my suspicion rises.

He is lying, isn't he?

My happiness immediately fades. He tricked me again. I was so close to freedom.

He quickly hugs me again as he brings me back to the apartment. 
I feel betrayed.

"You're absolutely despicable"

"There. We finished the meal. Anything else!?" 

"We gotta do the dishes silly." He quips anxiously.

"Stop the act. Let's just do it then. If you are really serious about this."

He scratches his head nervously. 

He is such a douchebag.

"Why can't you just let me do it? I want to be happy... Don't you follow the same pursuit?"

He doesn't reply. He sits in silence with a downcast gaze.

"Don't play with me. Alright!? He's waiting for me!" I shout as my anger boils over.

He seems to enter a temporary insanity. He scratches his arm incessantly as his legs bounce up and down. He grits his teeth. He starts to tear up again as his expression distorts to a desolate one.

"Why won't you listen to me!? I'm trying to help you! There's nothing at the edge of life! This 'he' that you talk about doesn't exist! I won't let you leave here!" 

Tension climaxes as he speaks solemnly, "Why can't you stay alive for me... Why can't you love me back?"

"He does exist... You don't even sympathise with my distress here... So what... You're just going to watch me the entire time?"

"W-well... yes!"

"That's ridiculous."

It was nothing but silence now. A discontent lady and an optimistic man were now confined to the same place.

Hours passed as a tempestuous maelstrom of emotions brewed within me with every emotion present except for glee.

"That's enough! How are you going to prevent me from doing it in the future!?"

"I'll stay here until you smile again. You looked so happy when you smiled. You are capable of happiness." He says oddly calmly.

"I am capable of happiness? It was because- " I stopped mid reply. 

I did smile, didn't I? I did feel happiness... didn't I?

But wasn't it when this life was about to end?

"What's your point!? I only felt happy because I was about to do it! And guess what. You stopped me from feeling happy."

"If you can smile then, why can't you smile now? I'm sorry if I'm being insensitive... but there is nothing here that is making you feel sad is there? I'll even be by your side all this time to comfort you. I love you... can't you get that? 

Don't follow who you call 'he'... you do love me right? You do care for me... right?

You do know I want you to be with me right?"

It's undeniable.

I do love him.

He was also there when I felt happy, even if it wasn't due to him.

Maybe... 

Maybe...  I can finally smile again.

That sounds nice... That really does.

"Come on... Please... smile for me. Why can't you reciprocate my love... I want to be yours..." He says with a heartbreaking  voice that sounds so fragile that it felt piercing and sharp.

He cuddles me lovingly as I feel the happiness that was once covered by a pile of trauma appear.

A shiver pulses through my body as an uplifting tune rings through my ear and clears my mind. My lips tighten. My world seems to sway back and forth.

As his emotionless expression turns to a cheery smile... I smile too.

Everything seems to break down... The colour of the paint on the four walls gain vibrancy and the flourescent light shines into my eyes. My tears flow out... and I felt that same sense of liberation I yearned for. He laughs in exuberance as his arms wrap around me.

My arms felt numb and my legs quivered. My eyelids shut close constantly to keep the tears in.

I could only look at his face... as I handled the intense euphoria... as my dragged breaths became more frequent... as my world seemed to shed into a new skin.

His voice that once creeped in the crevasses of my mind gets entangled with my other memories... Those memories that carried the same emotions that I felt now. 

"I'm so glad... Please... stay this way. Trust me... We can be so much happier this way." He mutters into my ear.

My arms travel to the back of his body as I clutch him tightly.

"I...

trust you.

Let's cherish this love.

I

Feel happy..."