Supernova

What was it?

“Look, there goes another one!”

What was it that we were doing that night?

“Woah! That one’s even shinier!”

Ah, that's right. We were watching the stars again.

Every night we were together, she and I would spend our time looking at the dark but shiny night sky. At least, every night that I can remember.

“Woah, another shooting star!”

We’d look at the stars that illuminated our night and we’d count, if possible, every shooting star that we could see for a split second just before it disappeared again.

“So, do you wonder where they go?”

“Who?”

“The stars, do you wonder what happens to them when they disappear?”

I didn’t. I still don’t.

“Well, not really.”

“I think they die. I think the moment they disappear out of our sight, their purpose for existing has been fulfilled and they die, becoming stardust…wandering through the universe for eternity.”

At the time, I didn’t really understand what she meant with that, in fact, I didn’t really care. The truth is that every time we were together, I was only really interested in enjoying the limited company that I could have with her. When we were together, I could simply forget everything else.

Homework, friends, enemies, my inevitable death one day and even the melancholy of my own existence. Next to her, that meant nothing to me, and next to that night sky, we were just two ordinary kids looking at one single painting, wishing that one day we could have something amazing.

At least, that’s what I wanted to believe.

Even the utopian thoughts that filled my mind would get interrupted by the constant screaming and arguing in the background, which just so happened to be created by each of our fathers, who hated each other. The reason? Money…or whatever adults used to argue about. What I do know, it’s that it has always bothered me.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out!”

“About what?”

“About us, about this!” She said, pointing towards everything around and above us.

I think that was the first time I’ve ever blushed, but even then I knew, that all sounded too much like a dream.

“And how do you know that?”

She heard me, smiled and pointed at the stars.

“Look at them, they’re smiling at us! All we need is their blessings and they’ll guide us towards the freedom that we look for!”

The words I heard that day filled me with desire. Desire to live, desire for more. On that day she became my hope, and I would wake up every single day with her smile engraved in my mind, so that I could once again tell myself what I was living for.

And that’s why, years after her compassion and seed of hope had infected my heart, it hurt me so much more seeing her in front of me, hopelessly crying as she was bringing bad news with her.

For almost two decades, maybe even more than that, our fathers have hated each other. In all honesty, I didn’t care a single bit about what they thought of one another, what bothered me was how their irrational hatred infected the lives of the innocent around them, how neither of them wanted their child to talk to an "offspring of their enemy."

How childish…

She told me that everything was over. We both knew that this would one day happen, but even so, it was painful to hear. Getting shamed for wanting each other was enough to cause emotional distress, but we could take it. But when shame turned into prohibition, there was nothing left to do. There was only so much that kids like us could do to ‘rebel’ against the people that we depended on for survival.

Really childish.

She and I had some sort of symbiotic relationship, we depended on each other’s resources and attention in order to keep on going. If one of us couldn’t give as much of ourselves, the other could compensate for some time, but alone…neither of us could keep on going by ourselves, we gave each other’s life a unique flavor, a flavor of ‘hope’ and the illusion of ‘happiness.’

I’m sorry.

She said she felt cursed, cursed by life itself. Cursed to an existence of misery. I felt hopeless, I felt as if I just couldn’t help her.

I’m sorry I don’t feel haunted by the same curse as you.

That was the last time I heard from her for weeks.

I spent my days busy trying to get things solved and I believed she was doing the same…alone. Every attempt at communicating with her family failed, and every attempt at reconciling with my family also failed.

I was desperate, I was anxious, I was lost.

For days, the only thing keeping me company were my own lonely thoughts, and the silly hope that we could reach some peace in the future.

“Maybe we can wait until school finishes.”

“Maybe after college.”

“Maybe when we find a job, we can support ourselves.”

There were a lot of ‘maybes’ but deep down that wouldn’t work, at least not efficiently. Even if we waited for each other for years, we would have to endure a lonely hell, hoping we could one day see each other again and that the lack of affection wouldn't change us.

That morbid realization was making me go insane, and apparently…I wasn’t the only one.

A couple of weeks after talking to her, I received a voice message in a peaceful tone. It was her.

“Hey, long time no see. Do you think you can meet me at our magical place? The one where we used to watch the stars.”

I didn’t know what she had figured out, and I honestly didn’t even question it. All I cared for was getting to see her once again, and when I finally got there, at the top of our building, I finally saw her…standing by the edge.

“W-what are you doing?”

I know what you’re doing.

“I’m just solving things…my own way,” she smiled, looking relieved.

Words could barely leave me as my heart was exploding and my mind was running.

“But this- This isn’t gonna get you anywhere!”

“What? Of course it will. You have to believe me…”

I can’t.

“...If you just follow me, we’ll be joining them so peacefully, forever.”

“Join? Join who?”

She pointed at the shiny sky in front of us.

“The stars. They’re calling for us, can’t you feel it?”

I can’t!

“You- This…is not what I imagined. This is not what I wanted for-”

“After having my mind just racing for so long, I figured I just needed some silence, and our little break gave me that. I realized I wasn’t cursed by life, in fact, I wasn’t even cursed to begin with. Since the beginning, the stars were watching over me, awaiting my arrival. You know, death can be such a blessing, and we just need to take a leap of faith, just one more time.”

I don’t wanna die with you.

“Just get away from the edge, and come to me. You’re not thinking this through!”

I wanna live with you!

Deep down, I knew my efforts were worthless. She had found her own distorted peace, which was the thought of death.

“Don’t worry, I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. I prefer to have a rapid death than a long lasting suffering, alone.”

“Just think, you don’t even know if jumping from there kills you. What if it fails? What if it leads to an even more problematic life!?”

“That won’t happen.”

“Huh?”

“Because I have you. You don’t need to jump with me, I know that you’ll make sure that I’m able to reach my destination. I know that you’ll eventually understand what it means to let go and you’ll join me for eternity.”

So…this is it, huh? Forget it.

At that moment, I accepted reality. I accepted that my own foolishness was making my powerlessness feel like it was more impactful than it actually was. It was worthless, I was worthless.

As I saw her getting even closer to the edge, I knew that I couldn’t save her, no one could. My acceptance made my nervousness fade away, my memories flow and my heart quieted down at the sight of a disturbingly familiar scenery.

After all, we were both used to watching stars die all the time, and I knew that after her, now or some other day, I would join her, so that we would turn into something beyond this hellish existence, into stardust, and that our magical grains could intertwine with each other for the rest of eternity.

As she was about to take one final step, she looked back, smiled and leapt from the building, letting gravity take care of the rest.

“Goodbye, for now.”

That was the last time I ever saw her smile, cry, fear or breathe.