Life is Worth Fighting For

Life is complicated. We’re constantly fighting to survive or surviving to fight. But the battle we’re in is not with others but with ourselves. A battle, that is between the mind and the heart.

Our minds and hearts are always in a conflict, it’s like they’re in a fight to control us. Our minds compel us to make rational decisions but our hearts are emotional. I was in that position once, in a position where I was in a constant war with myself.

There were many times when I just wanted everything and everyone to shut up. There were many times when I just wanted peace, eternal peace. Those were the times I ended up making stupid decisions.

I used to walk the streets like a ghost, except people could see me, they could hear me, feel me, and acknowledge me, but I didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. I would pull on my hood so no one would recognise me.

I used to have bangs covering my eyes so no one would see the dark circles I had. I used to wear long-sleeved tops no matter what the weather to hide my scars. I used to keep my head down whenever I walked to avoid looking at people.

My day consisted of waking up, walking around town, coming home, and thinking of ways to end all this. But for some reason… I couldn’t. It was like a voice telling me, begging me to stop, the voice; was so familiar yet so distant.

I’m always so close, on the edge of the roof, a bridge or even with a knife in my hand, but just as I’m about to take the next step, I hear a voice. There’s always a voice that says; “Don’t! You can’t do this. Not now, not ever!” it stops me, almost as if forcing me to drop the knife or step back.

The thought of ending my life often crossed my mind, more often than I would have liked but I couldn’t help it. There were so many things wrong with my life, so many things that I wished I could have changed.

There had been so many times when I had practically asked Thanatos, the God of Death, to take me away from this world. To just help me end my suffering. There had been so many moments where I had just wished everything would come to a stop.

I remember that day clearly, the day when I had decided to end my life for good. I had decided that no matter how many times the voice in my head had tried to stop me, I wasn’t going to stop.

That day I did my daily ritual of waking up, walking around town, and coming home. But at around 9 in the evening, I went up to the rooftop and gazed upon the streets below. On any other day, it would look quite beautiful, with the sunset in the background and the city lights.

I took a deep breath and started to climb over the railing, to jump down. The wind was blowing in a direction that if I wasn’t holding onto the railing with both hands, I would’ve been pushed off.

I slowly let go off of the railing with one hand, and just as I was about to release using my other hand, I heard a voice, “What are you doing?”

I turned around abruptly, almost losing balance when the hand caught me, she was strong for her age and managed to help me regain my footing. I finally took a good look at her, and for some reason, she seemed… familiar.

“Come on this side,” she told me.

I couldn’t help but oblige, this little girl had a power over me that even I didn’t. I swung my leg over the railing so I was straddling it, before swinging my other leg and jumping down, standing in front of the little girl.

I crouched down in front of her and felt a few tears slip down my face. Her fingers were warm and soft as she wiped my tears. “Do you want a hug?” she asked me.

I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her small frame. She hugged me back, wrapping her arms around my neck. I started to sob on her shoulder before I completely broke down in front of her, a few minutes later I composed myself.

We both sat down, leaning against the railing I had every intention of jumping over, merely 5 minutes ago. “Why were you crying?” she asked me, her voice was small, quiet. Her eyes held innocence and curiosity.

“Life has become so hard now, I made a few bad choices that I wish I hadn’t, so I decided to end it,” I confessed.

“Oh,” the little girl mumbled.

I chuckled, “I’m sorry. You’re far too young to be witnessing any of this.”

“No,” she shook her head, “I’m a big girl,” she held up her hands showing 6 fingers.

“Ah, yes. You are a big girl,” I laughed.

“You know, life always has ups and downs but that doesn’t mean you should end it,” she shrugged.

“I know but things are complicated for me,” I held my head in my hands.

“How?” she asked, innocently.

I sighed not knowing whether or not I should spill my guts to a child, “I didn’t have a great childhood. My parents always chose my younger siblings over me and in the end, I left the house in anger. I had a job but I got fired and I’m having a hard time finding a new one, I haven’t eaten in, and I don’t know how long so I have just enough money to still have a roof over my head. I thought the best thing to do was to end it all.”

“Oh,” she mumbled.

“I know my problems are small compared to those of others but I just can’t take it anymore,” I held my head in my hands.

“No one’s problems are big or small, everyone is valid. And I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But good things take time. Life has ups and downs but you shouldn’t ever end it or take life for granted,” she explained.

I looked at her with my eyes wide.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m a friend,” she smiled.

“What’s your name?” I asked

“I can’t tell you,” she shook her head.

“Why not?” I asked, frowning.

“Stranger danger,” she mumbled.

I laughed and nodded, “Good girl.”

“So, what will you do now?” the girl asked.

“I’m going to go home, and rebuild my life,” I smiled.

“Good,” she nodded standing up.

I watched her walk towards the door, just as she was about to leave, she turned around, “Oh and one more thing.”

“Yes?” I smiled.

“I’ll be there for you,” with that she left me alone.

I sat there for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts before I decided to follow the girl, just to make sure she got home safe. I made my way out and descended the steps and it dawned on me, I was all alone. It was weird because there was no way the girl would have gone without me noticing.

I got to my apartment and collapsed on the bed. The girl’s face kept coming in front of me as I closed my eyes. She was familiar and it was so annoying that I couldn’t put my finger on who she was.

But that was the day I decided to change my life around. All of a sudden, things didn’t seem so bad anymore. The streets that I used to hate walking through suddenly seemed so beautiful. The people I used to avoid became familiars and through them, I found a good job.

Through therapy I was able to spill my feelings, I got the help that I needed so I wasn’t tempted to retake the step that almost ended everything for me. I was able to get additional help to put me through school, and now I’m a therapist myself. I am also working on reuniting with my family.

It wasn’t until some time later that I remembered the little girl, and when I finally was able to place her, I realised that little girl, was me. It was my younger self that had saved me that day. It was because of my younger self that I realised that life truly is worth fighting for.

Life is complicated. We’re constantly fighting to survive or surviving to fight. But the battle we’re in is not with others, but with ourselves. A battle that is between the mind and the heart.

Our minds and hearts are always in a conflict, it’s like they’re in a fight to control us. Our minds compel us to make rational decisions but our hearts are emotional. I was in that position once, in a position where I was in a constant war with myself.

But admits that battle, we forget that there is a younger version of ourselves within us, a version that is constantly pushing us to strive. A version that is ready to save us whenever we need be. A version that we should not let down no matter what.