The case study of a ponderer.

I wonder, how had my life been? has it been exactly as I remember? Were my negative memories as negative as I remembered? Were my positive memories as positive as I thought? Was I not to blame when I remembered so? Was I to blame when I remembered so? I always pondered the bias of my own memory. Did I really love my first crush that much? Did I really enjoy my childhood playground? Were my friends really nice to me? 

I couldn't count the number of times I had gone without sleep pondering over such topics.

When I graduated high school I was, too, pondering. Was my 3 years worth it? Did I learn as much as I was told I had? Will the people I graduated with remember me? Will I remember them? Many questions ran through my head.

Will I regret not confessing to her? Will I regret not paying him back? Will I miss them? As I stood for my class graduation shoot, all types of questions shot through me. Will I meet them? Is it better if I do or don't? Will they want to meet me? 

As I watched my fellow classmates weep as they farewelled each other, I pondered again, Is it out of love? or is it simply the fact that they are moving on? I never understood it. What are we supposed to feel for others, why are we supposed to hold such feelings. It's not like I've never wanted to hug a person, it's not like I've never wanted to spend my life with someone, but why do I want that?

But in the end, I would always reach the same conclusion, "Just leave it be." followed by a heavy sigh. Due to my habit, I wasn't able to build any deep connections. While, yes, I had friends, I doubt they would remember as such a week from our graduation. After all our interactions could be summed up as superficial talk, or one-sided requests.

'Or, maybe if one of the girls had secretly held a crush she would remember me?' Another meaningless thought.

As I left my school's campus, I wandered taking a detour. 

Memories flooded me, but I doubted them. Were we really not friends? Did they actually enjoy my company? Were they simply acting nice? My thoughts could be summed up as nothing more than human paranoia, but I wanted them to hold deeper meanings, and as such I accepted them.

...

As I had expected, my past had suddenly disappeared. Many months after my graduation, and not a single contact with any of my former classmates. Though I was mostly disappointed no girl had confessed her bottled-up feelings to me, I was still let down over not having any of my male friends discuss college choices together.

But, it's not like discussing it would have had any point, after all, I had already made my choice clear a long while ago, before my third year of high school. As I lay on my bed, I stared at the acceptance letter within my grasp. I wondered If I was to feel surprised by getting accepted, It's not like it was a competitive university, nor was it a highly sought-after one.

NUR, short for the N**** University of Research, a world-renowned university. World-leading professors in psychological research who have their papers published by none other than the "Annual Review of Psychology" and "Journal of Applied Psychology". Sponsors from world-leading companies, such as Nestle, Amazon, Johnson & Johnson, etc...

The heights and prestigious standing of NUR could be written and talked about for days without end, but what is truly surprising about NUR is, that despite its standing and world-renowned fame, applying and studying at the university is completely free of charge.

Anybody, and I mean, anybody, could apply and attend NUR. But, its future prospects were questionable, and other than for its psychological field, it had held no accreditations to any of its other colleges. On top of that, the country of N**** was of a questionable future at best, other than the existence of NUR it was of no importance. A country that held no promising future for aspiring students, nor did it care for its future, overrun by corruption and buried in debt, the existence of NUR was a miracle within it that was questionable by all with a mind.

My parents have doubted my choice ever since I announced it, "If it's about the money, then do not worry." they have told me many times, but not wanting them to find holes in my argument, and dismiss my judgment I always dismissed their worries with vague empty statements.

Another month from now I will finally be leaving my asylum. I wonder, Just how will my life out there be like.