CHAPTER 12

After Calem and Ben’s last meeting, the strained atmosphere between them grew to the point where even the simplest acts in church became a battlefield for Ben to score points against Calem. The rift that had formed between them, dividing what was once a connection known only to themselves, fractured into awkward and often confrontational exchanges. During Bible classes, Ben consistently seized every opportunity to launch calculated verbal attacks on Calem. Despite Calem’s measured responses, which inevitably struck a nerve, Ben’s frustration and anger noticeably increased. As the tension between them became increasingly untenable, their exchanges began to be accompanied by uncomfortable silences from their classmates.

As summer came to an end, Calem’s focus shifted entirely to the anticipation of his first semester at university. A few days before the start of the first term, his parents presented him with a car to make his daily commute to the university more convenient. The car came as a welcome surprise to him, as he had been anticipating a two-hour train commute each way. Soon after the start of the first university term, Calem rapidly settled into a new rhythm of early mornings and late nights.

Each day Calem spent on the campus left him captivated by its exquisite beauty. The charming town boasted several key features that contributed to its beauty. The campus was surrounded by a stunning landscape, with a backdrop of vineyards, rolling hills, and majestic mountains that created an awe-inspiring perfection. Many of the university’s buildings were built in the enduring Cape Dutch and Davidian architectural styles, lending an air of historical charm and elegance to the little city. These buildings were well-preserved and meticulously maintained. Nestled between its historic architecture, the campus was world-famous for its well-manicured gardens and green spaces. These recreational areas were not only aesthetically appealing but also provided a tranquil and inviting atmosphere for visitors to enjoy during the scorching summer days. But what impressed Calem the most were the tree-lined avenues and pathways that offered shade and a sense of serenity, in contrast to the hurried students rushing between buildings for their various classes. All in all, it was a little paradise that was shut off from the outside world. It came that amidst all this activity and distraction, the first term passed without anything remarkable happening.

One early Wednesday evening during the Easter break, Calem found himself without any plans. He decided to watch a movie at Kenilworth Centre. On his way, he purposefully drove past Ben’s house. As he neared the house, he slowed down and came to a complete stop when he saw a light in the living room. He sat in the car for a few minutes building up the courage to see if Ben was in. He got out of the car and walked up to the front door. After a few knocks on the door Ben’s mother opened the door.

“Evening Mrs. Cross, is Ben in?”

Despite knowing Calem, Mrs. Cross noticed his discomfort and eyed him with suspicion.

“Yes, he is. Just a second, please.”

“Thank you.”

Mrs. Cross turned away from Calem and shouted in the direction of the hallway where Ben’s bedroom was located.

“Ben!”

“Yes?”

Calem felt the sound of Ben’s voice crawl up his spine, activating long-forgotten feelings. As soon as Mrs. Cross heard Ben’s answer, she walked away, leaving the door slightly ajar.

“You have a visitor!”

When Ben answered the door, the smile faded from his face upon seeing Calem. Despite the cold weather, he was barefoot, wearing a loose-fitting blue sweater and pyjama pants. Calem thought Ben looked more attractive than ever and noticed that his curly hair had grown the longest he had ever seen him wear it.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Yeah. Hey, how are you?”

Ben looked back into the direction of his room.

“What do you want?”

“I was on my way to watch a movie. Do you want to come with?”

Ben briefly hesitated, looking down at the ground, and looked back up.

“Um… Sure, why not?”

“Okay, I’ll wait in the car.”

Calem, relieved, walked back to the car. A few minutes later, Ben emerged from the house wearing a winter jacket, jeans, and Doc Martens without socks, looking visibly annoyed.

“Nice car.”

“As you can see, it is being held together by the rust.”

“Hmm.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just the usual shit from my mother. Let’s go!”

“Aren’t you going to buckle up?”

“Safety belts are for pussies. Just don’t get us killed.”

“This from you?”

The drive to Kenilworth Centre was marked by uncomfortable silences, and the air in the car felt thick with unresolved tension as Ben and Calem embarked on the familiar route to the mall. The distance between them had grown into an awkward silence that seemed to amplify the unspoken words and unaddressed emotions that hung heavy in the confined space. Each passing streetlight cast intermittent shadows on their faces, highlighting the lines of discomfort that had settled in during the months of hostility between them. The occasional glance in each other’s direction revealed eyes avoiding contact, an apparent effort to maintain a semblance of composure. The echoes of unspoken regrets and missed opportunities, left unspoken for too long, persisted between them.

When they arrived at the mall, fortunately, Calem was able to find a parking spot near the entrance.

“TV parking!” Calem said.

“Hmm.”

Ben, about to suggest a stop at Marcelo’s for frozen yogurt, decided not to mention it as they strolled by, both pretending to ignore the kiosk.

“What do you want to watch?” Calem said.

“Anything actiony?”

“The Frighteners?”

“What’s that about?”

“A horror-comedy. Seems good.”

“Nah… don’t like horror. What about Twin Town?”

“Ah, okay. It looks artsy though. You sure?”

“Let’s do it.”

When they sat down in the almost empty cinema, Calem felt a mix of surprise and discomfort when Ben casually placed his right leg across his left thigh when the lights went down. The unexpected physical contact stirred a combination of nostalgia and unease within Calem. The subtle warmth from Ben’s leg seemed to linger on Calem’s skin, creating a distinct tension in the air. Calem’s emotions remained a swirl of conflicting sensations, torn between the familiarity of their past intimacy and their apprehension of navigating their present relationship.

In the darkness of the theater, Calem wrestled with his emotions, the unexpected encounter leaving him in a state of internal turmoil. They watched the movie in complete silence. When the lights came back on, Ben rose from his seat as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred and made his way out of the cinema, with Calem following behind.

Old feelings had been stirred up when he felt Ben’s weight on him. And even if Ben and Sarah were together Calem realised that he wanted to be with Ben again at all costs. The act of Ben resting his leg on him, as Calem saw it, was a clear signal - Ben considered his possession of Calem permanent and inevitable, with no escape. Regardless of their relationship status, Calem knew then he would always belong to Ben and could never fully belong to anyone else.

During the movie, the evening sky underwent a subtle but dramatic transformation as grey, dark clouds rolled in over the horizon, giving way to a brief and gentle downpour. Although the rain did not persist, it cast a glossy sheen upon the ground, creating a transient allure, with murmuring rivulets in the gutter gushing into the drains.

Ben walked ahead of Calem to the car. When they reached the car, Calem unlocked the doors, and they quickly left the mall. As they returned home, the air had grown even cooler, and a chill settled in. The journey back was marked by an uncomfortable conversation about the movie. The intermittent, steady drizzles painted the streets with a serene atmosphere, turning them into deserted and reflective pathways. The glow of streetlights reflected off the damp surfaces, leaving the air filled with the refreshing aroma of the rain.

Reluctantly, Calem slowed the car to a stop when they reached Ben’s house, feeling that their time together had come to an abrupt end. Feeling snubbed, Calem became increasingly annoyed as Ben had shown no signs of initiating anything beyond pointless small talk. He expected Ben to get out of the car as soon as they arrived; instead, Ben remained seated, looking at the dashboard for a few seconds, as if lost in deep contemplation.

“So, how’s uni?”

“Honestly. It’s fuckin’ hard. Harder than I could ever have imagined.”

“Are you going to complete your LLB?”

“I have to. No choice now.”

“I guess.”

Ben, not knowing what else to say, remained silent. Calem looked at him, sensing that something was on his mind. He was sure that Ben had something important to say but felt constrained from doing so.

“Well, it was nice seeing you after all this time,” Calem said.

“Yeah.”

“So, how are things going with you?”

“It’s okay. Not getting married, thankfully. We will share raising the baby… it’s going to be a little girl.”

Ben looked out the window, and Calem could see a smile filled with love spreading across Ben’s face in the reflection of the window. Calem smiled with genuine happiness for Ben, despite the pangs of loss and jealousy that welled up within him.

“Oh, congrats! Well, it sounds like things are going really well for you. I’m happy for you guys.”

“I wish…”

Ben looked towards Calem, but turned away immediately.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing... Forget it... What about you?”

Ben knew he had to deflect to avoid reopening old wounds. Not receiving the response he sought, Calem felt the sting of rejection turning quickly into anger, coursing through him.

Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the loss of their once-intimate connection and easy conversations decayed into painful silences and arduous small talk became steadily insufferable. Calem cleared his throat, preparing to launch the fatal attack his anger demanded him to carry out.

“Nah, pretty busy, but getting time to socialise and make new friends.”

Ben felt his jaw clench, recognising the deliberate inflection in Calem’s voice.

“What do you mean, ‘new friends’?”

Ben turned to Calem and braced himself as dread and anger surged within him. Calem saw the flashes of jealousy glowing in Ben’s eyes.

“Nothing. Just new friends. Forget it.”

Calem longed to feel Ben’s touch once more, and as he noticed Ben clenching his right fist, he realised that he would welcome physical pain if it meant experiencing Ben’s touch again.

“Finish what you started!”

Calem remained silent, looking out of the window before turning back to Ben.

“You know you are winding me up!”

“How am I winding you up?”

“‘New friends’?”

“Yeah, new friends! And?”

Ben sat up in his seat.

“Who fucked you?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously!”

“It’s none of your business who fucks me.”

“It is!”

“Since when?”

Ben grew more restless, tapping the dashboard impatiently with his left hand. He then cocked his head toward Calem.

“Are you going to tell me?”

“I don’t think you want to know.”

“Fuckin’ try me!”

“You sure?”

“Yes!”

Calem knew that the blow he was about to land would mark the end of what remained of their relationship.

“Larry.”

A smile spread across Ben’s face as he turned away, laughing.

“No, he didn’t.”

“Okay! If you say so, it must be so!”

Ben’s eyes filled with pain as he listened helplessly; the words spilled carelessly out of Calem, shattering the last remnants of their relationship. After a moment, he slowly turned back towards Calem, and the smile faded from his face as he realised that Calem was telling the truth. Ben turned away, looking out of the window, and remained silent, feeling despair sweeping through him as the crushing reality was laid bare. He could not leave, attempting to gather his thoughts. The weight of the revelation left him paralysed.

After a moment of feeling numb and unable to move, Ben opened the door and got out without saying a word. Calem sat in stunned silence, not having realised up to that moment the depth of Ben’s feelings for him. As Ben walked up the garden path, Calem, startled by Ben’s reaction, opened the door and got out without saying a word. He wanted to run after Ben, but he realised a fatal blow had been dealt - irreparable damage had been done, and there was no way to restore their relationship to what it once was. Even after Ben entered the house, Calem remained motionless, not feeling the gentle rain beating against his skin. When a car approached in the distance, he got into his car and drove home, feeling the weight of his cruelty pressing heavily on him.

As weeks turned into months, Ben and Calem consciously made an effort to avoid each other in church. Yet, when in each other’s company, their interactions were underscored by an unmistakable unspoken animosity, prompting puzzled glances from friends as the discord between them grew. The question of reconciliation no longer remained elusive and unanswered to those around them.

Calem’s desire to avoid conflict led to a gradual decline in his church attendance over time. Noticing his dwindling attendance, Calem’s mother dragged him out of bed one Sabbath, compelling him to attend church after he had missed a few weeks that month. He occupied his usual seat, eagerly anticipating the commencement of the Divine service. When Ben entered, he walked toward Larry but, upon noticing Calem, smoothly shifted direction and sleekly moved to the empty space next to Calem, ignoring him as he passed. Ben then tapped Larry’s shoulder, who sat in the pew in front, to say hello. He reclined and rested his feet on Calem’s lap. During the ensuing silence, neither of them acknowledged this passive-aggressive move.

Larry stared at Ben in disbelief as he turned around to return his greeting, only to find Ben lying down with his feet on Calem’s lap, right there in church.

“Bra, what are you doing?” Larry said.

Ben barely lifted his head in response, displaying an apparent indifference to Larry’s objection, and reclined once more without saying anything. At the end of the class, Ben stood up and tapped Larry on the shoulder, inviting him to the toilet. Ben purposefully knocked into Calem’s leg as he passed him, making no effort to offer an apology. Calem pretended as if he had not noticed, which further infuriated Ben.

Calem decided that the only way to avoid future incidents with Ben was to limit his attendance to Divine service when sitting with his mother. To Calem’s relief, when they did cross paths, they found it convenient to completely ignore each other.