CHAPTER 13

After finishing his undergraduate degree, Calem obtained a scholarship to study overseas at the University of London for his postgraduate studies.

That first year away flew by quickly, and Calem returned to Cape Town for Christmas. When he came home, everyone looked the same; it seemed as if time had stood still. On the first morning back, lying in bed, he savoured the memories of all the times he and Ben had shared together in that very spot, filled with remorse that those moments were now irrevocably gone. Reluctantly, he got out of bed around noon and headed for a day at the pool.

Everything had stayed exactly as he remembered, and he spent the day sunbathing and enjoying the crystal-clear blue water. The day passed quickly, and, dreading the family dinner that evening, he delayed his return home. As the sun dipped lower, casting elongated shadows across the poolside, Calem lingered, cherishing the final moments of solace. Closing time approached, and, as the attendants announced it, he reluctantly gathered his belongings and headed into the lockers to shower and change. The changing room echoed with the hollow sound of his footsteps as he moved toward the lockers. The reluctance lingered, a suffocating force that clung to him like the faint scent of chlorine on his skin. Each step on the way home felt like a departure from tranquility, a journey toward the impending storm awaiting him at the family gathering.

When Calem got home most of the family had assembled to welcome him back. The dining room buzzed with conversation and the clinking of cutlery as Jeremy entered with a hesitant smile, standing beside the dining table, his arm wrapped around his new girlfriend, Rebecca. As he introduced her to the family, a collective pause settled over the room.

The atmosphere became a mix of forced smiles and polite nods, but the underlying tension was conspicuous. Jeremy’s enthusiasm clashed with the subtle scepticism written on the faces of the family, as Rebecca did not belong to the same denomination as them. Eager to make a good impression, Rebecca smiled nervously, attempting to blend into the family dinner despite the unspoken reservations.

Calem’s mother had prepared some of his favourite dishes to celebrate his return. The table was a feast for the senses, laden with an exquisite spread of Cape delicacies: a pot of aromatic lamb curry, thick slices of succulent roast beef, and golden-brown roast chicken took centre stage, each flavourful dish rich with its enticing aroma. Diverse varieties of rice, from fragrant plain white basmati to turmeric rice, formed a colourful mosaic around the mains. Alongside, fresh salads burst with vibrant colours and crisp textures, offering a refreshing contrast - bowls of carrot salad, a medley of potato salad and lettuce and tomato salad. Adding to the culinary delights, the warm aroma of paratha wafted through the air, providing a deliciously accompaniment to the lamb curry, perfectly cooked and seasoned. In the background, Calem’s father’s favourite Nat King Cole’s Christmas album played.

As the dinner progressed, the conversations around the table maintained a strained politeness. Small talk meandered through topics, but there was a noticeable absence of the usual laughter and shared family anecdotes. Displeased with the lukewarm reception and wounded by the family’s guarded responses, Jeremy shifted his focus to Calem. Recalling Calem’s strained relationship with Ben, he attacked.

“Calem, did you hear that Ben moved in with Sarah and the baby?” Jeremy said.

A smile crossed Jeremy’s face as he saw the expression on Calem’s face shifting.

“They gave themselves to God when the Devil will no longer have them!” Calem said.

Calem’s response caught Jeremy off guard. Rebecca laughed nervously but stopped when everyone looked up at her.

“What?” Jeremy said.

“No, nothing! Never mind!”

“It had caused a bit of a scandal in the church, but everything had settled down quickly. Isn’t that great news?”

Calem forced a smile.

“Yeah... good for them!”

An uncomfortable pause settled in the room.

“Have you met anyone in London?” Rebecca said.

Calem tensed slightly as the clinking of utensils against plates stopped, amplifying the awkwardness as it resumed. Occasionally, stolen glances were exchanged between family members, silently acknowledging the discomfort. It was not a topic they were prepared to breach, especially in front of a stranger. Clearly, Calem’s life in London was causing a ripple in the otherwise familiar and easy dynamic of the family.

As dessert was served, the atmosphere lightened slightly, but an unspoken tension remained. Calem’s newfound life and Jeremy’s attempt to integrate Rebecca into the family disturbed the harmony they usually enjoyed, leaving an imprint of unease on what was supposed to be a casual and informal evening.

Jeremy’s callous mention of Ben during dinner had set off feelings of guilt and unresolved conflict within Calem. After dinner, Calem went into the living room to make a phone call.

“Hey, Larry. It’s Calem.”

“Oh, you!”

Judging from Larry’s tone, Calem grasped that Larry did not want to speak with him.

“How are you?”

“Look, I’m dating Nicky now.”

“What?”

“Oh, I thought you wanted to hook up.”

“No. Look, I need a favour. Can you give me Ben’s number, please?”

“Bra, please no. Just fuckin’ leave him alone!”

“What? Why are you reacting like this?”

“Did you tell him what happened between us?”

“Yeah, it slipped out. Sorry!”

Calem bit his lip, knowing that he was being dishonest.

“Well, we are barely on good terms thanks to you. Why would you do that?”

“Did you two fight?”

“No, but he was really fucked-off with me for a long time. I told him it was just a one-time thing… He knows I’m not a fag.”

“I see.”

They both kept silent for a moment.

“Since that night, I’ve been meaning to ask you: What’s going on between the two of you?”

“Nothing is going on between us.”

“Hmm... interesting. That’s also what Ben said when I asked him.”

“Larry, that’s because nothing is going on between us.”

“Bra, I’m not fuckin’ stupid. That wasn’t nothing! Calem, I saw everything, and that night was the only time I had ever seen Ben cry. What exactly went down between the two of you?”

“Look, I said nothing is going on between us, okay!”

Larry stayed silent for a moment, realising that Calem was not going to be persuaded to discuss this topic.

“By the way, we all know you are out and dating men.”

“Oh, do you now?”

“Yeah. I thought it would be a bigger deal than it was, but no one actually gave a shit. Except for Ben, who reacted really crazy for a while whenever people spoke about it, the news hit him hard.”

In the awkward silence, Calem was uncertain of how to proceed.

“Larry, can you just give me his number, please?”

“Honestly, bra, I don’t think it’s a good idea. He really...”

Larry fell silent.

“... he really... what?... Can you just say what’s on your mind?”

“…he really fuckin’ hates you.”

“I see.”

“Look, I think this is a really bad idea.”

“Don’t worry, I need to talk to him about something else.”

“Bra, no disrespect but I don’t think he like fags. I mean, to each his own, but I really don’t want trouble between him and me again. If he finds out I gave you his number he will go mental. I really think you should leave him alone.”

“Look... I’m not getting involved in his life or trying to rub my life into anyone’s face.”

“Why do you need to speak to him, anyway?”

“I have something of his that I have to return.”

“Why don’t you give it to me, and I’ll give it to him.”

“Nah, it’s okay. It’s something I have to return myself.”

Calem heard Larry kiss his teeth.

“Okay… just a second, let me look it up.”

“Thanks. That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

After Calem hung up the phone, he sat down and stared at the number for a moment. He reached for the receiver, picking it up. The tension and inner conflict within him grew as he contemplated whether or not to call Ben. He took a deep breath and started to dial the number. Before the number started to ring, with his courage failing him, he returned the receiver to the phone.

The day before returning to London, a deep sense of foreboding and regret increasingly weighed on Calem’s heart, prompted by the pain he had caused Ben through his betrayal. He knew that making the call meant facing the consequences of his mistakes, and it filled him with a sense of fear and trepidation. At the same time, he yearned for Ben’s forgiveness and an opportunity to make amends before returning to London.

An uneasy mixture of guilt and anxiety coiled in the pit of his stomach, tightening with every passing second as the day went on. Before dinner he summoned the courage to call Ben. As he dialled the number, he clung to the possibility of reconciliation, but the fear of rejection and the uncertainty of Ben’s response gnawed at him with remorse, longing, dread, and apprehension, making the upcoming conversation a daunting enterprise.

The phone rang for a few seconds before Calem heard someone answer it.

“Hello,” Sarah said.

“Hey, Sarah it’s Calem, how are you?”

“Hey Calem, good to hear from you. How are you?”

“I’m doing well thanks, and you?”

Calem felt himself becoming more and more nervous.

“Just tired.”

Calem could hear a baby crying in the background.

“Oh, a belated congratulations to you both.”

“Thank you. How’s things with you overseas? How are your studies going?”

“It’s mostly okay. Different. Sometimes difficult. The UK legal systems are pretty different. So it has taken some time to get my head around a few concepts.”

“So are you going to stay there?”

“I think so. I do enjoy life there, although it’s fast-paced and quite hectic, and the people aren’t the friendliest, initially. Lots of job opportunities, too. However, I really appreciate the safety and predictability of London life. Though the weather leaves much to be desired, I must admit. I’m still struggling to adapt to the endless grey weather. Nevertheless, its manageable.”

“Oh, really? Good for you!”

Calem, at a loss for words, realised that this was the longest conversation they had ever shared.

“Sarah, sorry to disturb, but just wondering if Ben is in?”

“Sure, let me call him.”

Calem heard a clicking sound as Sarah placed the receiver next to the phone. A few moments later Calem heard the receiver being lifted.

“Hey, Ben, how are you?”

“No … no. It’s still me. Sorry, but things are kicking off with the baby. Ben can’t come to the phone right now.”

Sarah’s discomfort was evident in the tone of her voice. Calem noticed this change and realised that Ben did not want to speak to him.

“No worries, please ask him to call me. I’m leaving tomorrow morning though; tell him it’s important.”

“Okay, I’ll pass the message on.”

“Thank you and you guys take care of yourselves, and congratulations again.”

Ben did not return his call.