Tough Admission

Taiyori led me all the way back to her apartment. Despite my protest, she kept forcefully dragging me along while all the students along the way stopped in their tracks to stare at us. I could've easily broken free of her grasp, but I didn't want to risk hurting her.

She pushed me through the door before closing and locking it, keeping that frown on her face.

"Seventy-eight," she said.

"...What?" I gulped.

"I called you seventy-eight times, but you never picked up. I even blasted you on Line, and all of my messages were left on delivered."

"I-is that so...?"

"Don't act like you don't know anything about it! I know you saw them. Why didn't you pick up my calls or reply to my messages? Actually, before that, where have you been? For the past week, I checked your dorm room, but you were never there. The lights were always off, and everything was still in place, so I know you didn't return until now."

That one caught me off guard. "You... You checked my room? Like... inside?"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"How'd you get the code?"

"A little birdie showed me what it was. Call it even since you know mine as well. Wait, that's totally off-topic. Answer me, Tsuki! Where were you?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Because now that I know who you are, I thought... I-I thought... something bad might've happened to you..."

My mind went blank. Taiyori... was worried about me?

None of this makes sense. What am I supposed to make of this? One day, I was the person who made her feel the worst out of everyone in her life. The next, she tells me that she's relieved to see me, and she worries about me when I disappear.

Didn't she also say that we were less than strangers? I get that I tried to talk to her, but that didn't go well at all. I assumed that she wanted nothing to do with me ever again. Based on all this, that clearly wasn't the case.

Just what exactly does she want from me? I don't understand.

"Well, I'm fine," I sighed. "Regarding all the missed calls and text messages, I was on a mission that lasted the entire week. It's not like I could just drop everything and pick up the call."

"Oh... R-right... I didn't even think about that," she mumbled. "S-sorry..."

"It's alright. Since you got the answer you wanted, I'll take my leave now."

She lifted her hands just slightly as if she had something to say, but nothing came out of her mouth. Please, let it stay that way. I need to leave. Just being around her... makes my heart hurt.

Right as I took a step past her, she grabbed my wrist. For a moment, we locked eyes. With brows crossed, her beautiful eyes were gleaming and shaking, and her mouth was trembling as she bit her lips.

"It was you... wasn't it?" she mumbled.

"...What?" I asked. "What are you—"

"Nine years ago."

Her voice, though soft and quiet, echoed within my ears for a few seconds as my eyes slowly widened at the realization.

"T-Taiyori..." I gulped. "H-how did you...?"

"I remember..." she replied. "For so long I've tried to recall the face of the boy who saved me, but it always ended with a blur. Then... I subconsciously put your face on the body of my savior, and for some reason... I didn't question it. It made sense, because everything about you, from the way you spoke to me to the way you looked at me... It matched. You told me that I was brave. You told me to relax... and... You said you'd take care of me. Both back then... and before you fought Kurobe."

I said nothing, for there was nothing I could say in response to that.

"Now that I look back at it, you both have the same voice, gentle and kind," she continued. "You both saved me... And you were both... assassins. Tell me, Tsuki... am I wrong? Am I grasping at straws?"

She knows... How in the world did she figure that out? Just because I'm an assassin and the words that I don't even remember saying? How does that make sense?

"Just forget about it," I muttered. "It doesn't make a difference."

"How could it not? I realize it now, Tsuki. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."

"...Then what are you expecting us to do? We go back to how we were and forget that everything ever happened? That I... broke your trust?"

Taiyori stared at me, and even though I tried to avert my gaze, I couldn't help but look back. It seemed like she had so much to say but couldn't get anything out. I can't blame her. I've been in that position with her more times than I can remember.

"That's not how it works, and you know that too," I said. "Regardless of what you know, I still hurt you. So... don't try to use the past to justify what I did... because I would more than anyone it's just a pointless form of escapism."

I don't care if she sees me in a different light now. I don't care that I saved her once or twice or three times. I don't care... because in my eyes, I'll still be the bad guy who broke her trust. Even if she knows everything... that doesn't make what I did fine.

Taiyori took a deep breath, then softly and nervously, she spoke. "Tsuki. Can... Can we talk...? Just for a little bit. I promise I won't take up too much of your time."

My hands began shaking. "...About what?"

"I... There's something I have to tell you, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you saved me. I promise. It's just... been bothering me for the past week. Haha... No... That's not even close to the truth. Honestly, Tsuki... It's been tearing me apart. I know it's so shallow of me to ask this of you, but I just... don't know what else to do."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Eh? B-but, I have—"

"Tayiori!"

My voice came out louder than I was expecting. When I saw her backing away with a startled face, I felt an aching regret swirling in the back of my head. It's fine, though. After everything that has happened, I've found myself used to this feeling.

"Please, don't..." I mumbled.

"...Tsuki...?"

"I... I care about you too much. I know that's hard to believe, but it's the truth. Even now, I'm struggling to keep myself from holding you tight and telling you how sorry I am for hurting you... for making you cry... for everything."

Just like that, all the emotions I bottled up inside ever since she found out began to spill out.

"I don't know what's going through your mind right now, and honestly, I shouldn't even be allowed to know," I muttered. "Taiyori... No matter what else people might say about you, I know now just how much you've endured and struggled to become the way you are now. You're an amazing person, and I can't think of anyone else whom I want to be happy more than you. You shouldn't have to worry about menial problems like me. Keep me locked out. Don't let me back in. I don't deserve to keep you in my life... so don't give me that chance."

Once again, I made my way to the door. I never planned on telling her any of this. Perhaps it was for the best that it remained buried, but I couldn't keep it in for any longer. I told her, and that may have hurt her even more.

My head hurts, my throat feels dry, and my heart is pounding as if to break out of my chest. I need to get out of here. It's so suffocating.

After leaving the apartment, I gently closed the door and pressed my back upon it. Painful breaths forced their way out of my lungs, but the air I inhaled was less than fulfilling.

I want to cry. I want to scream so badly. Perhaps later, but not now. Otherwise, Taiyori will hear me.

For a while, I walked aimlessly around campus with so many questions in my head. So many 'what-if' scenarios, annoying me with the cold fact that things could've been different right now. If I had been more careful, or better yet... If I wasn't an assassin, would I still be next to her? Would we even have met?

That's the thing, and Megumi pointed this out right before we left the Osaka mission. Our lives are so unpredictable. Anything could happen, but at the same time, there's always the chance that things that I want to happen won't happen. Fate is such a shitty thing.

My phone suddenly let out a muffled ring. I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the lock screen. It was a notification from Line.

Taiyori: "Meet me at the pond next to the central auditorium at midnight. Please."

What is this...? I'm just trying to move on, but she keeps pestering me... just like when we first met. I couldn't help but think about how ironic it is that when I was chasing after her, she would turn me down. Now that I'm doing the same thing, it's me who has to turn her down.

The world just won't let me move on. Is that it? Have I committed too many sins in my life to go on peacefully? Or perhaps... It's just my own actions that are keeping me from moving on. I think it's more likely that it's the latter.

To do or not do. The question of my life right there. I shouldn't go. I certainly don't have it in me to hear you say those words again. It's... too painful for me to handle.

Even as I tell myself that, my heart is still begging me to go. Is it closure that Taiyori is looking for? But what about me? What's going to happen to me after I hear her out?

Hah... What right do I have to worry about myself? I owe her this much.

I tilted my head up to the sky with a sigh. Midnight, huh? I suppose I'll go.