The Mind is a Terrible Place to Be

Death… Out of all the things he could’ve done, he chose death.

If it was true that he made that choice, then it was disheartening, to say the least. To see a second chance end so soon.

I remained still as I watched his remains. And as I did so, I began to wonder what would happen to him. Would his soul ascend to a higher plane? Or would he end up right back over here to endure the whole thing all over again? I didn’t know for sure, and for some strange reason, as I looked at the rock’s remains, part of me wanted to find out for myself.
I paused. I’d often had thoughts like this over the past year—of all the ways to destroy a rock—of all the ways to put me out of my misery. It was one of the things that kept me occupied during my time at the lake. I had assumed those thoughts would go away after what happened a couple days ago. So then why was I still having them?

Why did I still want to die?

No! Calm down. Calm down. There was no reason to worry about thoughts. They come and go. What’s the point in dwelling on them beyond that? Besides, I had too much I needed to do anyway. So—so many things to do. But would any of it actually matter? How could I be sure that all those other trapped souls wouldn’t turn out like the trees? Or worse.

I once again looked at the rock’s remains.

No, he made that choice, not me. But then why did I feel like this was my fault? No, I did the best that I could, right? But I hadn’t seen this coming, and now it was too late to do anything to reverse it.

So what could I do now? I paused. Were there any signs that I had missed elsewhere?

I couldn’t think of anything at first. But then I began to think about the last time I spoke with the others. As I thought back, it quickly became clear that there was potentially a sense of finality in that conversation. I also recalled Oyakawa mentioning that this would be the last time that we would speak, and the rock had said something similar when I spoke with him. With all that in mind, could that mean that they were planning to—no, they couldn’t be planning to do that, could they? But did I really want to take any chances? I looked down at the rock. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to check up on them.

But first, I looked at the rock’s remains again. As I did so, I tried to think of one last thing to say. But in the end, I could only say one thing: “I’m sorry.”

After a few more moments, I turned away from the rock and turned towards the slope. It shouldn’t be too difficult to get up there, right? For a moment, I considered asking the trees for help, but with everything that had just happened, I didn’t think they would be of any help. So with that, I decided it was best to make the climb myself.

I hopped away from the tree and towards the slope leading to the road. With the paint off of me, it was far easier to see, meaning I had no trouble making out any exposed ledges that I could use to get up. Getting up there, however, was a different matter, but it was something that I knew I had to do. I couldn’t have anyone else die under my watch; I couldn’t have any more failings on my conscience.

I leaped up exposed ledge after exposed ledge until I reached the top of the slope, which had the road going across it. The road was unpaved yet smooth at the same time. It looked just like the most barren parts of the soil, such as at the clearing where the girl was. There were some clumps of grass on my sides that towered above me, similar to how a tree would back when I was human. And speaking of trees…

I looked behind me and toward the trees on the riverbank. Funnily enough, even from up here, the trees at the riverbank still towered above me. However, at my size, pretty much everything around me appeared to be gigantic.

I still couldn’t see much from where I was, so I went onto the road itself to get a better look at my surroundings. After I got to the middle of the road, I began to look around.

To my right, I could see the bridge, which seemed to simply lead to more forest. It was possible that the road took a turn beyond the bridge, but I couldn’t tell for sure. Regardless, I couldn’t see the others on the bridge itself. Was it possible they jumped off of it? But if they did, I would have seen them fall, unless they did so while I was underwater with that other rock. I shuddered for a moment, recalling what had just happened to him.

But at the same time, how could I be sure I didn’t want that as well? It would be easy, right, to just end it all right here and now. It would be quick, easy, and painless. I began to lean forward in the direction of the bridge, only to stop myself partway through. I needed to get back to what I was doing; there’s too much at stake to be distracted.

I turned the other way, trying to shake away those thoughts. From here, I could see the road heading into town. The town walls that I had seen a few days ago were barely jutting out from the distance. It was possible the walls were only a kilometer away, which was surprisingly close, all things considered. The road itself seemed to have a gentle incline towards the city. And along each side were narrow strips of grass and shrubs going all the way to the town. I froze. There were probably thousands of them. How long would it take to free them all? And that was even if I could convince the girl to do so. At the same time, those grasses are plants, just like the trees. If they were all reanimated, would anything actually improve? Or would things just stay as they had before? Would I be making any meaningful difference, or was I just wasting everyone’s time?

I stopped myself again. Why did I keep getting distracted? I just needed to look for the others; that’s all I needed to do. They had to be around somewhere. I looked ahead at the road, but to my chagrin, I couldn’t see them anywhere.

With that in mind, where could they have gone? It hadn't been very long since we had said goodbye, so they couldn’t have gone far. Maybe they were among the grasses and shrubs alongside the road. That seemed reasonable to assume, and they would probably be safe there as well, unless some wayward vehicle veered off course. If they fell—well, I’d already survived a fall myself, and the trees there probably didn’t pose any sort of threat either. So had I just been making a big deal out of nothing?

No, there had to be something to this. Otherwise, what would I do if there was nothing—if all of this was for nothing? I thought about the rock again. No! Just keep looking. Keep looking. I rolled over to the right side of the shrubs as I mumbled to myself, veering toward the direction of the town. This wasn’t something I had put any active thought into, as my focus was mainly on looking for the others, even as this rolling was making it harder for me to see around me.

Eventually, I stopped in the middle of the road again. I looked in the direction of the town. The town walls appeared closer than before, and I had probably gone a few hundred meters in distance, more than enough to have surpassed the others, even with their head start, especially since, as a group, they were probably going a lot slower. I called out, hoping that they would hear me if they were near, but I heard nothing in response. And I didn’t see them on the road in this area either.

Were they gone? No, they couldn’t be, not so soon. I just had to keep looking. But where? Maybe in the grass on the other side? I hadn’t looked there yet. In any case, I needed to find them. I had to find them.

I rolled onto the other side of the road and back the way I had just come, once again rolling through patches of grass, once again hoping that no more unwanted thoughts would distract me. But after a few more minutes, the shrubs gave way to open air. I stopped when this occurred, quickly realizing that I had ended up back where I started, right next to the bridge.

I paused. Maybe they went the other way, past the bridge. I hadn’t seen them go across before, but they might have done so while I was underwater with that rock. In any case, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to check in that direction, and as such, I began to make my way across the bridge. However, as I did so, I noticed how open this bridge felt, as in, whatever railings were there wouldn't do anything to stop me—or really not any of the others—from just falling off. But what was there to fall into besides water? The only island I saw was when I was back at the riverbank, toward my right at the time. Once again, this was probably nothing. But still, there was nothing wrong with making sure, right?

Once I reached the middle of the bridge, I stopped and began to look around. I couldn't see where the river began or ended, though I couldn't see far to begin with due to the trees along both sides of the bridge. But this wasn’t the main thing I wanted to figure out. Instead, I looked down at the river below, only to see uninterrupted water, meaning that if they were looking to kill themselves, then the river probably wasn’t how they would have attempted to do so.

Still, if that was the case, then what happened to the others? Where exactly did they go? I could find that out if I kept moving forward. Just keep moving forward. I rushed across the bridge—towards the shrubs on the other side—as I tried to shake away the storm of thoughts occupying my mind. However, not long after I passed the bridge, everything suddenly began to rush around me. It lasted for a few seconds before the motion stopped. And when it did, I found myself surrounded by more trees, with the river just behind them.

As I looked at the trees, I wondered if they could move, like the ones on the other side of the river. To find out, I went over to one of the tree's roots and rolled over it. The tree, however, remained completely still. It was possible, however, that this was only the case for one of the trees. So I tried another, and the same thing happened. It looked like in this area, all of those trees were still trapped, though, to be fair, I could probably say the same for the trees back where I was before.

I looked around, seeing the slope again to my right. I was about to try and head back up to look for the others again, but I paused. Why was I doing this? It hadn’t even been a day since I met them, so why had I gotten so attached? Was it because I saw myself in them? People that I could relate to and who had likely experienced the same things as me.

Even so, I could’ve joined them when they were leaving, but I hadn’t. And now they’re—no! There’s still time; I could still reach them, but even if I did, how could I be sure I wouldn’t just find more dead bodies, like that rock? No, that’s ridiculous! They’re fine; they’re fine! Besides, what could even kill them here? I hadn’t seen or heard anything on that road for days, and a fall probably wouldn’t kill any of them, not here at least. They were probably all doing fine, so why was I still feeling worried?

Then I came to a realization: Was it their lives that I was worried about? Or was it mine?

Was all of this just an effort to distract myself?

I tried to force these thoughts away again, but despite my best efforts, they wouldn’t go away. So why was this? Things were supposed to be getting better now, so why were these thoughts stronger than before? Was it because I was still shocked over what happened with that rock? Maybe, but I wasn’t feeling shocked, was I? No, for some strange reason, I felt excited—excited that I may finally have a way out.

But why now, of all times? Why now, after everything that happened over the past couple days, am I feeling this way? There was so much I still needed to do as well—so many people to be freed. But at the same time, I realized—I wouldn’t be doing any of it, would I? No, all I would be doing was guiding the one who could. And even that—I knew—would only be a temporary arrangement—just until she was doing this on her own, without any deception on my part. And once that happened, we’d probably go our separate ways, as I’d probably just be dead weight otherwise.

I didn’t feel completely ready for when such a moment came, which may be why I still felt nervous about heading back. After all, these past couple days were the only time in the past year that I felt like I had a purpose—the only time I felt being here in this world was worthwhile. What would happen when I was no longer needed? What would I do?

My original plan for what to do after this happened was to wander around this world while things improved in the background. As I was still stuck as a rock, there wasn’t much else I was able to do to help anyway.

But since that rock died—and since I had an idea of how that rock died—I now had a tangible way to get out of this world if I so wanted to.

But all of that could wait, right? I still had to check on the girl first, and I had spent enough time over here as is. I looked at the slope behind me. Unlike before, I didn’t see a clear way up, not without falling over. The tree branches were too high to leap on as well. I could go through the water, though that wasn’t something I particularly wanted to do. On the other hand, I recalled the steps I used to get to the bridge on the other side of the riverbank. It was possible there was something similar on this side as well. I would just have to go to the river to do so. I hopped past the surrounding trees and up to the river. And surely enough, there was some exposed earth I could use as steps. However, before I climbed up them, I looked toward the side of the river I was on earlier and at the dozens of trees that had all gathered over there.

As far as I knew, all those trees had all been reanimated by the same thing—that thing being that girl’s hand, or whatever she claimed was attached to it. In either case, from how big the clearing was before I encountered her, along with how many trees I saw here, it was clear that they had been brought back before I originally encountered her. And in that case, it was possible that I wasn’t needed for any of this in the first place. And for that matter, it was possible that none of this was something that anyone else wanted either—not by the trees, not by that rock, and not by the girl who had the means to do so. There were the people that I helped so far—and I was glad I had—but it’s not like they stuck around either.

So in the end, that only left me—pushing a half-measure that no one wanted for a problem that I otherwise could not solve, all in the hopes of convincing myself that my existence was worth more than it actually was and that I actually had a purpose other than staying still and doing nothing for the rest of my miserable existence.
So should I just go back to that? Do what the trees did and act like nothing happened? Is that what I wanted to do? I paused to weigh my options, but before I could make a decision, I suddenly began to hear the sound of clopping hooves, though I wasn’t sure exactly where it was coming from. I couldn’t see it from the other side of the bridge, so it must have been coming from behind, which could only mean…

I turned toward the slope next to the bridge and began climbing up as fast as I could, hopping from exposed rock to exposed rock. And sure enough, when I reached the top and looked to my right, I saw a horse-drawn vehicle headed in my direction.

I had a feeling of who was inside it, and if I was correct, then perhaps there was one last thing that I could do on my way out.