52. They say that music reduces pain

“Where are we going?”

“You'll see,” Grant didn't turn to look at me, but I could hear the impatience and enthusiasm in his voice. The young man was either too frightened or too excited, so the magic of emotion flowed freely and warmly around all living things, giving them barely perceptible but pleasant rays of a special, enchantingly good-natured mood.

“And yet... why are we walking all this way? I'm sleepy,” I yawned, confirming the truth of my words.

Dealing with the bomb last night, the long journey back to Lous, the collar, then the discouraging conversation with the president – the last twenty-four hours have been hard on me.

The euphoria of release from the bomb had dissipated, and there was now an emptiness in the vast part of my soul reserved for the worries of the killing garrotte.

I just wanted to wrap myself in a blanket, hide from the world under my pillow and slowly get used to my new circumstances. Now I was no longer bound by a chain or the presence of the president's son, and I could enjoy my solitude, appreciating every beat of my heart.

But why did I follow Circul Junior to the outskirts of the capital instead?

I looked at the young man, a slight smile on his lips and so much serenity in his eyes... How could I resist? I was simply pushed into the car as I left the president's office, no one asked my opinion.

“We've arrived.”

Deep in thought, I only now noticed the glow of a thousand lights in the sky. Like the northern lights of Virtul, the stadium's multi-coloured floodlights painted the sky above our heads, outshining the twinkling stars. I let go of Grant's hand and stopped in silent amazement at the nearest banner with my favourite band on it.

My fingers trembled, my insides tingled with the sudden realisation. Was I really about to see my idols? Legends I never thought I'd see in person?

“Grant, you...” My voice dropped to a whisper. “Did you...”

Remember? I only mentioned once in passing that one of my dying wishes was to go to a concert by a foreign musical group, which I had no hope of fulfilling – it was too much trouble and too expensive.

“Yes, I remember,” he smiled broadly and pulled two tickets out of his pocket. “I just found out today that they're doing a concert in Lous, so the seats aren't the best...” he blurted out, unhappy with himself.

I grinned, it was a pleasure to look at Grant like that. What had happened to him lately? From giving me flame rings to taking me to my dream concert? Where was the nagging, grumpy guy who had been tormenting me for the last month?

“Come on, it's already started,” he just took me by the hand and dragged me to the entrance.

The crowd roared to greet their musical idols, the beat and the power of the voices were deafening, the sea of people drew in, the lights of the lightsticks flickered, creating incredible constellations in the stands. Magic, passion and love for music, anticipation – everything was mixed up when the notes of the opening melody began to play.

They say that music reduces pain.

It does.

The first lines of the song made me forget everything in the world. My ears, my thoughts and my heart were all in one rhythm, the lyrics seemed too bold, they made me smile. This song accelerated the blood in my veins; it was like that from the beginning when I got to know the world of music.

When I was alone after losing my mother, it was music that came to my rescue. At the time, I couldn't register on Virtul because I was too young – the age limit for virtual games was fourteen. So in primary and secondary school I existed only through headphones.

♪ This will be my life.

And this will be my death.

This is the sound and pulse of my destiny ♪

With the last line of the opening song, the stage erupted in fireworks and the crowd cheered, welcoming what promised to be one of the best nights in recent memory.

Despite the civil war, the closure of Virtul and a series of less disturbing news, the country lived, developed and wanted to have fun. Nothing could disrupt the flow of the music industry, which was sometimes the only thing that could unite the worst of enemies, lighten the yoke of the stress-ridden modern man and bring colour into the dull everyday life.

The digital sets changed and a rapper came on stage, reading his lines to the chords of the keyboards.

♪ I don't have a dream.

Sometimes it's scary to dream,

I just don't think it's easy to live the dream,

Surviving is my little dream,

But does it count as a dream? ♪

I smiled sadly. This song used to be my credo. I used to survive, floating day by day on the river of time, abandoned by everyone, deserted by my mother and forgotten by my father. It used to be my aspiration – to survive. Now, ironically, the dream was reversed. ‘To leave this world as soon as possible is my greatest and most important goal.’

I closed my eyes, lost in the moment, savouring every note, every twist of the melody, my favourite voices touching the most stale parts of my soul.

♪ Now I'm reassuring myself,

Saying there's no such thing as a perfect world.

I'm emptying myself one step at a time.

And yet I want to be me today forever ♪

All those songs... they were all about me, about my problems and experiences, first as a child, then as a teenager and now. They understood me, they accepted me for who I was. They made me grow up and try to survive, they made me laugh and feel sad, they inspired me to do heroic deeds and put me to sleep at night.

And although I didn't know much of the imperial language, I knew every line by heart, the translation of every song. I could feel the emotions of the singers in my heart, they spoke to me through the music: from the time when I was a little girl, lonely as a fish in an empty ocean, to now, when there was a person with whom my soul wanted to sing in unison.

♪ You are like a butterfly,

I watch you from afar

Afraid that if I touch you, I'll lose you ♪

“I love that song,” Grant said for the first time since the concert began.

I turned around. Circul was standing just behind me, seemingly unconcerned with the scene. He caught the emotions of those around him, absorbing them like dry earth softened by the first rain. His gaze, his very presence, was intoxicating, mingling with the kaleidoscope of my favourite melodies and words.

“And why?” I couldn't contain my curiosity, his previous sentence sounded meaningful.

He smiled warmly at me, tenderness hiding in the depths of his black eyes.

“The message,” Grant held out his hand but didn't touch me, “is that dreams and life itself, any relationship, is like a butterfly. If you touch it too hard, the wings break and the pollen falls out.”

Too happy, driven by euphoria, I moved towards him, allowing him to place his palms on my shoulders. “That's true.”

The guilt of betraying my own attitudes faded into the background, I felt good now. I didn't want to worry about our relationship.

For the evening I promised myself to forget, to banish thoughts of revenge, of the wrongness of our relations, of the future.

But the rational part of me wanted to stop, screamed, not to go beyond the wall of defence, not to give in to the momentary desire to be needed, wanted, to be myself. The song reflected my feelings, told of the dilemma.

♪ There's too much emotion in me,

And I don't know if I want to live or die.

I just pretend I don't care.

It's not the first time I've faked it,

I'm used to it.

I try to hide my feelings, but I can't ♪

My heart was dying in silence as I listened to the voice of the singer. It was so lifelike that it brought tears to my eyes. I closed my lids and dissolved into Grant's arms, trying to disappear into his touch so that I wouldn't have to fight my own feelings and mind again.

If only I could give up revenge, give up killing, if only I could forget my prejudices, respond to Circul's sincerity, run away with him...

Could I live like that?

♪ I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream that can’t come true ♪

But the cockroaches in my head, my stubbornness, the resentment and anger, the rage that came when I thought of Krile's blue laughing eyes and my ever-smiling little Di – all these feelings devastated me and made me forget about humanity and the next life. I must have been badly brought up to demand punishment for the enemy here and now. My soul must have rotted long ago, for my heart no longer trembled at the thought of killing.

♪ Where there is hope, there is always despair ♪

Yes, despair had consumed me, and my hopes were not to be fulfilled. I had already passed the point of no return when I signed that damned contract for the president's life.

♪ I want to say I love you

Singing alone a song that is sung in turns

I go back through the same sheet music ♪

I condemned myself to loneliness a long time ago.

♪ This sea is too deep

Still, I’m relieved that

Because even if I cry, no one will know

I'm a whalien ♪

I have long since condemned myself to oblivion.

♪ Lonely, lonely, lonely whale

Singing alone like this

The 'me' who is like an isolated island,

Could shine brightly too?

Lonely, lonely, lonely whale

Try singing alone like this once again

Until this song without an answer

Reaches tomorrow ♪

But as long as there's a tomorrow, I'm still alive.

× × Death’s desire × ×

P.S. Siri's favourite song:

In the heart of the ocean

A whale sang softly and alone.

No matter how much he screamed,

His words were not heard.

His loneliness grew so great that he fell silent.

Whatever happens now, I don't care.

There is nothing left but loneliness,

I became alone, the lock of loneliness clicked.

Even if there's no one left with me, I'm fine.

These words, so easy to say, soon became my wall.

In the eyes of people, even loneliness seems like a pretence, not a plea.