Chapter 01

“Have you ever been happy before?”

“If so, I would like you to tell me how it feels to be happy.”

“Did you spring out of bed every morning?”

“Did you skip all the way to school?”

“When you get in class, do your classmates smile at you?”

“Are you truly happy?”

“Are you really, really happy?”

“Are you really, really, really happy?”

“If so...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...Err.”

“If your answer is yes, let me give you one final question.”

“Are you really happy?”

“Or does your life lack things that make you sad?”

* * *

What's your opinion on pain?

For me, pain is debilitating. It's terrible. Pain is horrible. I wish I didn't have to live in a world where I had to feel pain.

I look up at the stairs in front of me. They lead to the second floor of the school, and then there's one more flight that leads to the third, and the final flight leads to the roof.

I take my first step upwards, lamenting in my head how everything in life is painful, even when I go up the stairs. It's painful, so painful I have to go slow.

My name is Kaito Nakamura, but my friends call me Mura, as to say no one calls me Mura.

I am an 18-year-old high school student, a remarkably unremarkable student with an unremarkable life, with only one thing that sets me apart from everyone else in this school.

I have a big heart.

My heart is too big, not on the outside, but on the inside, to the point where it has to work double the amount of effort a normal person with a smaller heart would have to take just to keep me alive.

I'm quite special in a sense.

Unlike most boys, my heart is soft and fragile, more fragile even than a girl's heart. But on the inside, it's stiff and cold. It is fragile.

My heart is very fragile indeed.

My heart has turned me into a softy on the outside.

I firmly grip the rail as I ascend, making sure to take one step at a time while my other hand holds my chest.

I sigh as I clear the first flight of stairs, leaning myself on the wall to catch my breath while a group of girls giggle and squirm as they pass by, as if they're excited to go down the stairs. I stare at them as they glide down them and still have the energy to smile and walk like it's normal for them.

It's funny.

Those same types of girls are also the ones who complain that the PE teacher is too hard on them.

I start taking the next flight of stairs, and I already feel sweat forming on my eyebrows.

I try not to pant as to not look pathetic.

Actually...

From my point of view, this is quite heroic. Someone so fragile being able to walk up these stairs.

Actually.

Now that I think about it.

I live a very blessed life actually.

I have all my limbs, I'm not blind or deaf, I can speak just fine, and my mind is sharper than most.

I am quite lucky actually.

Slowly but surely I reach the top of the second flight and admire my accomplishment, thinking to myself that this is the first time I ever came up here without someone holding my hand. I feel proud of myself and dread, dread that I'd have to take one more flight to reach the top.

My life is made of nothing but pain.

As I try to catch my breath, it feels as if every time I inhale, my lungs squeeze my heart more and more. I look up at the last group of stairs and wince.

I wince, but I need to do this.

I need to do this so I could meet her.

If I can climb these last few stairs.

If I can do that simple task. I'll be able to meet with her on the roof, and hopefully, that will make all my problems go away.

Hopefully, this is the day I get a girlfriend and make all the bad things go away.

I think to myself, clenching my chest even harder this time. I start taking more steps, and I can feel my muscles ache in pain, my heart rate increasing even more as I struggle to keep upright.

I take one step, and my legs almost give; on my second step, I grip the rail, putting almost all my weight on my arm; on my third step, I try to remind myself of her. The girl waiting for me at the roof is my prize, like a princess captured in a tower, she is my reward for suffering, for the pain. On my fourth and fifth steps, the reality starts setting in as I struggle even more just to stay upright.

Upright.

Right.

Right... even if I do get to the top, and even if she agrees to be my girlfriend... then what?...

Will I no longer wake up with chest pains in the middle of the night?

Will I get to throw the bell I keep beside my bed in the trash?

Will I not have to take a whole fistful of medications?

Will I not have to always eat healthy and gross food?

Will I not need people to treat me like a child?

Will I not need someone to help me up the stairs?

Will the teachers not have to always keep an eye on me in case I start foaming at the mouth?

Will my classmates treat me as one of them?

Will they stop being afraid of hurting me?

Of breaking me?

Will I stop having to sit on the side while I watch my classmates run and feel the wind in their hair?

“...”

If I get this girlfriend... will I be allowed to be happy?

“Ah...”

I'm almost at the top.

“Ah....ah.....”

Like needles being shoved into my heart.

My knees start giving in, and my fingers feel numb, my nose feels like it's being pinched, and my eyes are blurry.

“Just... two... more... steps.”

I can see her.

I can see her....

Just beyond the window on the door, I can see her, her hair flowing in the wind, looking down upon the schoolyard.

“Please...”

My left knee slams on the step, and I lean over, my back resting on the edges of the steps, my arm dangling on the side from the railing, dangling over the abyss of the staircase.

I look up to the concrete sky.

I no longer feel the steps protruding my back.

“I...”

I only wanted to see her face one more time...

My eyelids get heavy, and my consciousness fades, as does all the tremendous pain that's been building in my heart, it all fades.

Fades...

...

“...”

...

“...”

* * *

I feel my consciousness escape and tear its way to my head, as if my brain were made of quicksand. My breath is shallow as I feel the soft sensation of cold skin on the back of my neck and colder concrete on the rest of my body.

I look up, and I see her... I see her looking down on me, playing with my hair and straightening my brows. What should have been a romantic scene is overshadowed by the sound of the furious screeching wind and the sound of hollow metal tubes hitting against each other.

That sound came with the violent flap of the Japanese flag that's kept at the top of the roof. The flag flaps as if the pole is holding onto it for dear life, and the flag is trying its hardest to fly away.

The sun is blocked by heavy gray clouds, and you can feel that it's about to rain.

The wind keeps blowing my hair and making the tips poke my eyes; thankfully, she brushes it away, allowing me to open them fully.

“...”

“...”

This should have been a romantic scene, a boy resting on a girl's soft lap while she played with his hair.

As I try to open my mouth to speak, my lips feel like they're about to shatter, and I even taste a metallic taste of blood as I move them.

“So...”

...

The girl finally spoke.

“You look like shit... I'm going to be honest...”

That caught me off guard; she had to raise her voice so that it would be audible in this furious wind.

...

What would a normal person do in this situation?

What should I ask?

“...Can you, please... I'm... thirsty...”

I spoke the first thing that was on my mind.

“...”

I don't think she heard me.

“Water...!”

She tilts her head while she looks down on me; she stares at me, her eyes are red, they kind of look like Japanese flags.

“Well... there'll be plenty of that in a moment...”

She said, looking up to the sky and the clouds.

“What do you say we go inside?”

“Ah...hh...”

To be honest, this feels too good. I'd like to stay, actually.

Honestly. This feels amazing.

It feels amazing to lie down on her lap.

The wind is more refreshing rather than cold.

Honestly...

Honestly...

My whole body is numb...

I can hardly feel anything apart from the concrete bench, and her wonderful legs.

It almost feels like I'm waking up on a winter morning wrapped in layers of blankets.

“AAhhh...”

It feels so nice, I feel like closing my eyes.

Slap slap slap slap!

As my eyes were almost closed, I felt a little sharp pain on my cheek.

SLAP SLAP SLAP!

“Wake up!”

Uh?

I feel her hands lift my head, and she then grips the back of my collar so hard she scratches my neck; she pulls me up like a sack of potatoes.

“Uh...?”

“Let's go inside,” she said, letting me go in a corner and closing the door behind her.

My vision starts to gain its footing as I scan the room, my head still spinning.

She crouches in front of me.

“Hey,” she waves her hand to wake me up.

She waves it more aggressively, so I open my eyes even wider.

“So...”

She said blankly.

“I have something to tell you.”

“...”

“Depending on what kind of person you are... No... never mind,” she looks over her shoulder and then back at me. “I'm gonna tell you something super duper cool and life-changing.”

“Uh?”

She gives off a smug grin and says it bluntly.

“A couple of hours ago... you had a heart attack.”