The Beginning of My End

CONTENT WARNING: Suicide

The walls of the palace had shined the brightest that day. The day of the prophesied arrival.

The newly crowned emperor and empress were expecting. News had spread all around the kingdom, and nobles from every nook were invited. Even the likes of me, a lowly baroness, who was once stripped of her renowned title of crowned princess, had been invited. I was given the chance to celebrate this occasion of fortune with the others, even if no shred of it could be found in my own life.

I walked down the adorned halls and fireworks erupted outside the gold-plated windows, cheers resounded around me as people watched. Maybe I should've watched the lightwork outside too. But that day, the only thing on my mind was my impending fate. The one little thing I looked forward to in the palace, my death.

I entered a room stacked high with books of different sizes in every corner. It was the royal library, the place for reading, gaining knowledge, political meetings, and secret escapades by audacious young royals. Once, I had come here with someone, the one who was my first and last love. Back when we were still promised to each other, when we, no—I believed that we would one day be together forever.

But it was never the same to him.

The crown prince could get anyone he wanted, after all. Why would he settle for the girl his mother forced onto him when he was just a young child..

I shook my head and stopped reminiscing on past mistakes. I didn’t come here to relive the memories, but to shut them down forever.

I walked to the place we usually met up and skillfully opened the entry into the secret location, a balcony in the most hidden corner of the palace. A location hidden away from even the new empress herself.

The moon shined brighter that day. As if it was begging to be seen in the midst of the artificial lights created by humans. I stared up at it, acknowledging it. The moon and I shared many things in common, we were beings who were left behind and forgotten. Though, the moon had the ability to make itself shine to those who gave it a spare glance. I, on the other hand, had no one. No one to turn to. Which is why this was my only resort.

I brought my hands up to the moon and stared at the ring in my middle finger, the promise ring given to me by the young crown prince. I wiggled it off and placed it at the ledge of the balcony, the red ruby shimmering in the light. I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes to pray.

“Oh moon goddess, take this as a parting gift and allow me a safe departure from this world. This child of yours will now say goodbye to you forever, but I know that you will bless the child being born, in my place.”

I opened my eyes and hovered closer to the ledge, the distance down was dizzyingly long. Yet, with a heavy effort, I hoisted myself up to a sitting position on the ledge. Now, it was time. I looked up at the sky once more. Maybe it was hallucination in the midst of my breakdown but everything had changed color. The sky was a deep red rather than the darkened black. Droplets fell around me and I realized it had begun raining. Was the moon weeping?

I smiled and tears fell from my own eyes. But I couldn’t delay further. I couldn’t let myself be held back.

Then, with a swift movement and a steeled heart, I pushed myself off the ledge.

I expected to hit the ground and writhe in pain, but the impact never came. Only the sound of my heartbeat slowly escaping my ears as I fell deeper and deeper.

***

“Lady Meredith..” such a sweet voice.. “Wake up”

“It's time to get up, lady Meredith.”

Just a bit more..

Let me sleep just a bit more..

A little more of this peace…

“Lady Meredith!” The scream resounded through my ears, and I awoke with a startle. Heaving and breathing heavily. My eyes adjusted to the light and I realized I was in a golden adorned room, sitting in a bed full of soft pillows and blankets.

I faced the girl yelling my name, her hands on her hips and the corner of her lips upturned. I recognized her features almost immediately.

Light brown hair neatly curled into a side ponytail, freckled pink cheeks, and golden brown eyes staring into my own.

“..Elora?”

The name leaving my mouth felt unnatural, it had been more than 15 years since I last saw her. My maid, my supporter, and my only true friend. The one who had died in an accident after my 14th birthday. Yet somehow, she was here, standing right before my eyes.

This shouldn’t be possible, how could she be here, looking so real, and alive?

She had never left my mind after her death. I always regretted the way she departed. After being fired by the empress, she was forced to leave the palace, stripped of her position as my lady-in-waiting. All due to the empress's plan to isolate me. I never got to say goodbye to her. But maybe, just maybe, This is fate giving me the chance to do so. Maybe this is my reward for the hard life I led, meeting with Elora in the afterlife. Was I in heaven?

“Elora..!” I pulled her in and hugged her. She was a lot older than me, but at the time of her death, she should have been just 18. Though somehow, her body felt a lot bigger than mine, it was almost twice the size.

I didn’t care, I just wanted to focus on the warm feeling spreading through my heart. The warmth, the smell, the light golden color of the room. Everything was so nostalgic, as if I was back to the past. Back to the days before everything was ruined.

“My lady, is something wrong?” Elora shook me slightly. I hadn’t realized it before, but tears were rolling down my cheeks. “Lady Meredith…Is this about what happened yesterday?”

Huh..Yesterday?

I raised my head to look clearly at Elora, something was wrong. “Elora..what are you talking about..aren’t we dead?”

Her eyes turned dark and for a minute I thought maybe this was all a trick, maybe I was brought to hell and this was all just a joke. But then I heard laughter spread throughout the room. It was hearty and not malicious.

Elora was laughing.

I watched her in confusion.

“Silly, why would we be dead…?” She stopped laughing, “Did you have a nightmare by any chance? Oh dear, I should’ve known the debut ball affected you in some way.” Elora sighed and shook her head. She got up and walked over to a cart on the side of the room.

“I swear, I knew this ball wasn’t a good idea at all. After all, my lady likes to stay out of the spotlight, yet her father just doesn’t understand her!” She continued talking. Just like the old Elora, she was a talkative girl.

That’s when I realized though. Something Elora said.

Debut ball…yesterday?

What was going on?

It took me a while to notice. But I looked down, first at my hands, then my legs, then my body. My head couldn’t process it immediately, but I knew this smaller body of mine could only mean one thing.

“Elora, what day is it?” I asked without thinking.

“Huh…it’s the 20th of August, my lady, you celebrated your birthday yesterday...” She answered with hesitation, “Seems the party took a larger toll on you than I believed, please go wash up while I make you some herbal tea. It will help you relax.”

“Thank you, Elora…” I spoke quietly and stepped off the bed. With slow, steady steps I walked towards the washroom. How could this be?

I stepped inside the lush washroom, a large mirror rested on the wall. I slowly walked over, to confirm everything once and for all. And just as I thought, reflected in the mirror before me, stood a 12 year old Meredith. My past, younger self. I didn’t understand. But I just knew this wasn’t the after-life. Everything felt too real, too similar. And even now I remembered the past like it was ingrained into my mind. It was a time that I would constantly wish to return to.

But why now?

Why, when I was ready to let everything go?

I brought my hands up to my face and felt it bit by bit. Everything was real. My once scar covered cheeks were now smoother. And even when I pinched my arm, the pain reverberated throughout my body, like a shock.

I walked out of the washroom soon after. Elora placed a cup of tea in front of me as I sat near the veranda. As I took a sip of my tea, I resolved myself. No matter what, I would do anything to control my life, in this kingdom that is controlled by the royal family. In this world where I know that my end was only suffering. And I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I didn’t want to suffer trying to end my suffering either. So I had come up with the easiest, and only way to escape this hell. Death.

The choice that was stolen from me by the gods in my past life, I would do anything to get it back.