一

“He said he doesn’t like Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“What?”

“Would you date a man who doesn’t like Bohemian Rhapsody?”

“I’d have to think I would.”

“Well, you’re desperate, that’s different.”

I’m currently sat on my school's rooftop, eating lunch with the closest thing I can call a best friend, Maiko.

Now Maiko, she’s not the type of girl you’d expect to be friends with me. Top of the class, below-average looking and no sense of humour. My opposite in every respect.

“Ruri. I feel the need to inform you that you are being extremely rude right now.”

Maiko does that thing she likes to do with her glasses when she’s annoyed, pushes them up to the bridge of her nose. It makes her look like a bitch.

“Here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Imagine the sex for a moment.”

“I’m failing to see how we’ve jumped from Bohemian Rhapsody to sex.”

“And that’s why you’ve never had a boyfriend.”

We’ve been going back and forth like this since lunch break started. Let me catch you up to speed, Maiko asked me if I would come to karaoke with her later. I asked her if Keisuke would be there, she asked me why it would be an issue if he was, and eventually, we ended up here.

“Anyway,” I continue, “back to the sex. Let’s say, hypothetically, his parents are away on business.”

“Impossible. Keisuke’s parents are both police officers.”

“They are? Actually, it doesn’t matter, it’s a hypothetical.”

“It matters a lot! I hope you aren’t planning to… do that sort of thing with his parents around!”

Maybe asking her to imagine sex was too big an ask.

“Ok Mai, let’s say I’ve had his parents ‘dealt with’, in some way. They’re gone, out of the equation. Dead even.”

“I imagine Keisuke would be very sad.”

“Sure, maybe. Not sad enough to resist trying something with me though.”

“You certainly think highly of yourself.”

“Anyway, it probably starts at karaoke. You excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and the second the door swings shut, I find him right up against me.”

I slide an arm around Maiko to act out the scene. I put on my deepest voice to play the part of Keisuke.

“Ru-chan, you’re so pretty, has anyone ever told you that? You know… my parents aren’t around today. Why don’t we go back to my place, just the two of us?”

Maiko peels my arm off of her and throws it back at me. She’s doing her best to hide her face but she’s doing a bad job, I can see that she’s blushing.

“...you promised you wouldn’t do the voice after the last time.”

The ‘last time’ she’s referring to is an incident where, during a lunch period, I put on my best guy voice and asked her out, as a joke of course. Now, my regular voice is deep enough for a girl’s, so my impression is convincing enough to fool someone over the phone. Anyway, this whole thing ended with Maiko loudly professing that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

I’m sure there are pictures of the incident floating around in the depths of some chat group somewhere, a lot of the other girls pointed their phones our way very quickly. This created a reputation of ‘closeted lesbian’ for Maiko, one which she has wanted to rectify ever since. It won’t happen. For everyone who doesn’t know her (everyone that isn’t me), it must have been like the publishing of the first image of a black hole. Yes, it’s an exciting event but it was a confirmation of something known about for decades, not a brand-new discovery.

I don’t know if it changed their opinion about me or not, I’ve never cared to find out what it was in the first place.

“No,” I respond, “you insisted that I never do it again. I never said that I wouldn’t.”

“Well, can you not? It makes me uncomfortable.”

Despite these flags, I’m fairly confident that Maiko isn’t gay. I think she’d have an episode if anything even remotely masculine asked her out. It’s not an uncommon occurrence for me to catch her in a daze, drooling over some Korean anime boy telling her that she’s beautiful. If I call out to her in this state, an immense shame will overcome her and she’ll do anything to hide her screen. One time she threw her phone out an open window when I approached her from behind.

“Want me to tell Keisuke my impression of him makes you uncomfortable?”

“Categorically: do not do that.”

“Back to the matter at hand…”

Maiko glares at me, not wanting me to continue the hypothetical that involves me fucking the guy she’s had a crush on for the best part of a decade.

I continue, “he grabs me by the wrist, pulls me to my feet and then out the door.”

“Would you really go with him under those circumstances?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

“I’m very happy to know you’d wait until I went to the toilet to ditch me.”

“Don’t mention it. That’s what friends are for.”

Maiko gives me a cold look. I don’t get it. If me talking about these sorts of things is going to upset her she shouldn’t get me started on them.

“Let’s not get distracted. We get up to his apartment and start making out. Eventually, we reach the part where we both know things need to go further. While he slides off my top and unhooks my bra, I’m connecting my phone to the speakers.”

“Why would you be doing that?”

“So I can play my sex playlist. It’s important to set the mood, that’s some free advice for you.”

“Can you finish up this story please? Lunch is ending soon.”

“It’s not a story, it’s a hypothetical, but sure. I put on the playlist, and things proceed well, right up until the point where Bohemian Rhapsody starts playing. ‘Oh, we’re skipping this one.’”

Despite my heavy gesturing towards her, Maiko can’t fill in the very obvious blank.

“I’m failing to see the issue here.”

“He just asked to skip Bohemian Rhapsody, how could I possibly want to fuck someone after that?”

“You are a strange person, Ruri.”

“And you're a virgin, Mai.”

The sound of the school bell rings out around us, signalling that I have successfully navigated another conversation to a no-conclusion landing. That’s the ideal, no conclusion means no consequences. For instance, I have now managed to completely sidestep the issue of karaoke and the next time I talk to Rui will be after it has happened.

Rui stands up and dusts the crumbs off her uniform.

“Are you going to come to class?”

“No, I’ll probably just go home early.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

Not wanting to be late for class, Rui disappears down the stairwell in a flash.

I wait for a little bit even after the bell goes for the recommencement of classes. It’s hard to get out of the school for a bit afterwards, with lots of faculty wandering the halls. If I leave it a little bit, the only person I’ll have to avoid is Morishima-sensei, the gym teacher who spends too much time looking for truants and not enough teaching gym.

I open the door to the stairwell carefully as to not make any noise and slip back inside. Making sure the coast is clear I make my escape from the school building and head back home.

***

I arrive back at my apartment building and open the door to the place I sleep, careful not to alert my mother to my presence. I’m not quite ready to interact with her today so I drop my bag in the entrance and go back out into the hallway.

There are a dozen flights of stairs between my floor and the roof of this building but I take them anytime I want to go up there. When I was 7 I saw a video online about a person who died when the cables of the elevator they were in snapped and I’ve loved stairs ever since.

Being pretty used to this journey it doesn’t take me long to reach the rooftop. Ignoring the faded warnings on the door, I open it and step out into the wind chill. They still haven’t gotten around to renovating this building even 14 years on from that day. The only illumination comes courtesy of a single motion-activated light that doesn’t stay on long enough for me to walk to the edge.

I take off my shoes and socks before taking my favourite seat with my feet dangling over the side.

People look like ants from high enough up. Down at ground level, moving left and right up and down. Occasionally one will split off from the track to retrieve something but the line never breaks.

Cars are still a mystery to me. They’re noisy like cicadas, dirty like flies and as destructive as a swarm of locusts. The ants are all that interest me anyway.

I find myself up here more and more recently, gazing at the perpetually lit streets to pass the time. That I live in a building without rooftop fencing has become a minor comfort for me.

Against my bare feet bites a fierce wind that I don’t dislike. There’s a reason I take my shoes off now before I position myself on the edge. One time my left shoe slipped off, nearly crushing one of the ants. I’m not going to explain to my mother why I need a third pair of school shoes in one year.

My mind is always wandering. Back to when I was a child, playing in the park with my friends. To the first time I saw a boy naked. To the day my Dad died… To any time before now.

Except when I’m up here.

When I get a little bit adventurous, I lean my upper body over the edge to get a better look. And every time I do, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to fall down amongst the insects.

“I’m home.”

I kick off my shoes into the silence. Not that I was expecting a response, the only other heartbeat in this box belongs to a voluntary mute. If I want to find her, I need only step onto the veranda.

“Why are you out here again?”

It takes her a few seconds to register my existence, which she does without turning away from the sky.

“Oh, Ruri, you’re home early.”

“Come inside Mom, I’m making lunch.”

As gently as I can manage, I usher her back inside. I draw the blinds to block the view. It’s not good for her to stare. Since the 'jumping day', Mom has never been the same. In the 14 years since she’s worked in at most 4 of them. Luckily, the payout we received following my father’s death has left us with enough money to live off, even if it’s not extravagant.

I fill the rice cooker and heat some curry up in the microwave while Mom grabs the TV remote and flicks to the 24-hour news channel. You have to know what’s happening after all, even if it’s happened every day for years.

When the microwave dings I make up two portions of curry rice and bring one over to Mom, placing it on the table.

“Thank you Ruri, you’re such a good kid.”

She reaches up and ruffles the hair on my head as I pass by. Her hand is as cold as ever.

I try to slip away quietly as she’s sitting down to eat, but she notices.

“Why don’t you eat at the table with me?”

“I have some homework to do, I’m going to eat in my room.”

That’s a blatant lie. I haven’t brought home a schoolbook in months, not that Mom is 'there' enough to check how my academic pursuits are coming.

“Oh… that’s ok…”

“I’ll be in my room.”

Not wanting things to drag on any longer, I escape to my room. Eating alone is always a bit depressing but it’s better than the alternative. I don’t like thinking about my mother these days.

She wasn’t always like this, back when… no. That’s thinking about her. We can’t have that, that isn’t good.

“Focus on the curry, Ru. Focus on the curry. Curry.”

I concentrate on filling my spoon with the optimal ratio of curry to rice before bringing it to my mouth. Just as I’m about to escape to the land of curry rice, my phone starts ringing which results in me spilling my food all over myself.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?”

“Funny, I was ringing to ask you the same thing,” Keisuke responds.

In my curry-induced outrage, I answered my phone without thinking, without checking who was calling me. That was a rookie mistake. It hasn't even gone 5 o’clock yet, that means there’s plenty of time left in the day for people to make me do things. Keisuke is a persistent bastard and likes to call me around now if he wants something. I’m usually pretty good at letting his calls ring out but he caught me during curry rice time today. Now that I’ve answered once, he’ll keep calling back until I talk to him.

“What do you want?” I ask.

“First? I want an apology.”

“You’re not getting that, what’s the second thing?”

“Why do you always have to be so difficult?”

“I’m not being difficult, I’m just being me.”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

We’ve always been like this, Keisuke and I. Difficult, unpleasant people. I think that’s why we’ve always been drawn to each other, we both know what it’s like to be the unwanted person in a room.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Keisuke asks.

“Why are you making it so difficult to avoid you?”

“Do you want me to come to your place right now?”

“No, don’t do that.”

Mom loves Keisuke, she’d let him in if he paid a visit and then I’d never be rid of him.

“Then answer my question.”

“I’m not avoiding you for any particular reason…”

That’s a point to Keisuke. Of course I have my reasons for avoiding him, but admitting that would be more trouble than it’s worth. I’d much prefer that we just ignored the reason altogether but I know he would never allow that and that’s why I’m ignoring him.

“Well that’s good, then you can come to karaoke with us later.”

“You called me, ruined my dinner, because you want me to come to karaoke?”

“Yes.”

“You want me to hear your terrible singing that badly?”

“Yes.”

“Well that’s unfortunate, I have plans.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like eating my curry rice. Which is getting cold, by the way.”

“Get something at the karaoke place.”

“I already paid for food today.”

“I’ll pay.”

“And why the hell would you do that?”

“Because it’s your birthday.”

“Oh.”

He’s right, I guess it is my birthday. Curse my 6-year-old self. I’ve told one person in my entire life my birthday, and he hasn’t done me the courtesy of forgetting it yet.

“Don’t ‘oh’ me, you didn’t forget it was your birthday.”

I actually did but admitting that would just give him even more reason to remember it.

“Keisuke, I don’t care whose birthday it is, I’m not going.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because I’m avoiding you.”

I hear the sound of something cracking come through from his end of the line.

“Are you OK?”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you su-”

“Ruri.”

The way he cuts me off isn’t like him. It gives me the worrying feeling that he might be about to say something genuine.

“Tell me the reason why you’re avoiding me, and I’ll leave you alone.”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“No.”

“I can’t face you Keisuke. I don’t deal well with rejection.”

There it is. The truth. All because of a confession gone wrong, things have ended up like this.

“YOU REJECTED ME!” he shouts.

“And I’m not dealing with it well.”

There it is. The truth. The whole truth and nothing but. 

It’s odd, ever since I’ve been aware I could like people, I knew I liked Keisuke. Before that event, I’m sure I liked him. And the feeling was mutual, I think we must’ve been 13 when we both realized the other’s feelings. It seemed so inevitable we’d get together at some stage that I’d often fantasized about how toxic our breakup would be.

So when I rejected his confession on New Year’s Eve, I surprised even myself. It wasn’t a premeditated thought but the words ‘I don’t feel the same’ escaped my lips so naturally.

I think I know now why I said it. No, it’s not because of Bohemian Rhapsody. Not entirely. A confession from him felt so wrong. The Keisuke that I knew, the guy that I begrudgingly fell for, he would never ask me out. I’d always thought it would happen wordlessly, we’d both get so drunk that it would just happen. So why did he have to tell me? Why tell me something I already knew?

“Ruri? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.”

“Will you come out with us tonight? Please?”

His words feel so warped. Please isn’t a word that should come out of Keisuke’s mouth, not when he’s talking to me… What the hell is wrong with me? I can’t believe I’ve forced him into being polite. This is my fault, it must be.

“Fine. But not because you asked. And you’re going to buy me food.”

“You’re so easy, oh my god.”

“What?”

“You’d do anything for some free food you fucking fata-”

I hit the hang up button faster than I ever have in my life.

***

After letting Keisuke stew through a few missed calls and many angry text messages, I did eventually let him know I was coming for real. I finished up what was left of my curry rice, changed into my lowest-effort ‘going out’ outfit and headed for the train station.

Our karaoke place of choice is near Shibuya. It’s the kind of place that normally would be a bit too far away and expensive for students like us. Luckily, this place is owned by Maiko’s uncle, which makes it easy to stay there past our curfew. No less expensive though.

When I arrive, I find that Maiko’s uncle is working for once.

“What’s up Ru-chan? Heard it’s your birthday today.”

“You heard wrong oji-san.”

“Oh yeah? Then I’m gonna need 2000 yen for the first hour.”

“That’s double the regular price, you tryna rip me off?”

“It’s a non-Birthday special.”

Maiko’s uncle gives me a big annoying grin. You’d hardly believe the two are related, given how personable he is.

“Fine. It’s my birthday.”

“Happy Birthday Ru-chan,” he hands me a large soda, “they’re in the usual room.”

The usual room is the small one at the back. Despite being the smallest room in this place, it’s far too big for our friend group.

“Ruri!”

Keisuke puts an arm around my shoulder the instant I open the door, nearly making me spill my soda.

“You,” I look Keisuke dead in the eyes, “if you make me spill another food item today, I will kill you.

“Heh, not likely,” Maiko interrupts, “killing people is illegal in the glorious nation-state of Japan.” She does the glasses thing to try and gaslight me into thinking she’s made a point.

Reluctantly, I sit down beside Maiko and Keisuke sits down across from us both. I take a quick look through the queue of songs and, as I suspected, it has already been filled by the two of them.

“You couldn’t have left some space in the queue for me?” I ask Keisuke.

“I wasn’t entirely convinced you’d come.”

“I said I would.”

“Your word has never meant anything.”

“Hey-”

Just as I’m about to fake get into it with Keisuke, Maiko silently leans across me and hands us both a microphone.

“Ruri. Keisuke. Let us start off this evening in a proper fashion.”

Maiko presses play on the tablet and stands to attention like the most jingoistic of soldiers. She draws in a deep breath and then…

“KIMIGAYO WA!!!!!!”

***

A couple hours later and we’re nearly done with the initial queue that has been set up, a combination of Keisuke’s favorite bands and the songs we’ve always been too scared to ask Rui why she knows.

“So, Ruri, have you figured out what to do after school?”

I don’t appreciate the questions that Maiko thinks it’s appropriate to ask. Thankfully, Keisuke is here to try and diffuse her.

“Come on Maiko, it’s her birthday, don’t ruin the mood.”

“It is precisely because it’s her birthday that this is such a pertinent question. She is old enough to vote, she must start being a responsible adult.”

Maiko’s always been a worrier. I had hoped after the entrance exams she would drop this line of questioning but nothing has ever happened just because someone hoped it would.

“I hear that sidewalks are always looking for new bodies, I just haven’t figured out the application process yet.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to cease.”

The entire time we’ve been ‘friends’ our humour has never fully vibed. She gets particularly upset whenever I joke about killing myself. I don’t see why, I’d never actually kill myself. I’m far too much of a coward for something like that.

“Why don’t you knock it off? Not all of us are blessed with the genetics to get into Todai.”

“Yeah, because I really wanted to spend the last three years of my life studying non-stop to get into Tokyo University. That was genetics.”

“Well, it was forced on you by your family, that’s just genetics masquerading as parenting. If you don’t wanna go, then don’t.”

I’m not sure exactly what it is Maiko wants to do with her life, but I get the sense that it’s anything other than what she will do. It’s disheartening to see someone’s expression fall upon learning they’ve made it into the most prestigious university in the country. That’s exactly how Rui looked this time last month though, her eyes sinking even further behind her glasses.

“You’re upsetting me Ruri, it’s as if you are pretending you don’t know my circumstances.”

That’s exactly what I’m doing you dense motherfucker.

“Hey guys, why don’t we talk about something else, huh?”

Keisuke, sensing how tense things have become, has managed to squirm his way between me and Maiko and has us both in a headlock that he might describe as a hug.

“Whatever, I need to go to the bathroom,”  Maiko states.

That’s a lie, she went to the bathroom just a few minutes ago. She just needs some time to cool down. Maiko’s a hot head but she’s smart. She knows he couldn’t beat me in a fight.

The second the door clicks behind Maiko, Keisuke moves himself very close to me.

“So…” he places an unwanted hand on my thigh, “what song should we choose next?”

I grab him by the wrist and claw his hand away from me.

“What the fuck is this?”

“It’s flirting. Never been flirted with before?”

He’s trying so hard to sound seductive that it’s unnerving.

“Not by guys with so little game, no.”

“Oh, stop that.”

He rips his hand free of mine with a strength that scares me and pushes me back until I’m right up against the wall. He presses his body right up against mine. I can feel the heat of his breath on my neck, and it’s making me uncomfortable.

“I don’t understand, Ruri. Why can’t you be honest with yourself? We both know how you feel about me.”

What’s gotten into him? I don’t know how to respond. This is exactly the kind of situation I’ve fantasized the two of us getting into. But it’s all wrong, he’s so sober it’s scary.

As he works his lips up from my neck to whisper in my ear, the song on the karaoke machine changes songs and the unmistakable opening notes of Bohemian Rhapsody start to play.

“My parents aren’t home right now.”

***

Everything is hazy. Keisuke is leading me through the brightly lit streets. We’re going to his place. I think.

We’re arriving at the inevitable conclusion I’d been avoiding. He’s gripping my hand so tightly, like he’s afraid I’ll let go.

Stumbling after Keisuke, I’m reminded of how much I hate Shibuya. The stench of 14-year-old bodies has always seemed at its deepest here, more impenetrable than anywhere else. But the people ignore it. They’ve got things to do after all, places to be. People to fuck. So what if the pavements are a little redder than they should be?

“Come on, hurry up!”

Keisuke is tapping his foot on the pavement like a child. We’ve made it to the Shibuya crosswalk, his apartment is only a couple stops from Shibuya station. I feel like I should be flattered that he’s so impatient, but I can’t feel anything right now.

A tug at my arm is the only indication that the light has turned green, I didn’t hear a thing. There are so many people walking beside us but I can’t recognize a single one as a person. They are all people, that’s it. Faceless, soulless, meaningless. People, not persons.

Then I see her. In between the hundreds of people crashing around me, she stands out. Walking in the opposite direction, towards us.

She’s a westerner, wearing faded jeans and a plain back hoodie, her pure white hair covering one of her eyes. Beautiful doesn’t suit her as a word. There’s a presence to her appearance I can’t describe. She can’t be older than 18 but I can tell this person has lived life a thousand times already.

I nearly fall a couple of times while I’m staring at her but Keisuke’s steady hand keeps me upright. We’re walking about the same pace, so we’re on a collision course, set to meet in the middle. I’m being dragged towards her.

The crowd around me seems to disappear as our paths cross. I catch her expression. It’s vacant, it reads of nothing.

I feel a hand on my left shoulder. It’s that girl’s. Without turning head nor eyes towards me, she opens her lips.

“Follow him any further, and you’re going to die.”

Suddenly, I feel everything again. The sound of the people around me, Keisuke’s hand in mine, the sweat drenching my body.

“Ruri, what’s wrong?”

Keisuke is looking back at me anxiously but that’s of no concern to me right now. That girl. Where did she go? I look around frantically but she disappeared into the crowd so quickly, it was like she was never there at all.

“Did you see her?”

“Did I see who?”

Keisuke starts dragging me along again as we start talking.

“That foreign girl, she passed right by us.”

“What kind of game is this meant to be?”

“I’m being serious.”

“So am I.”

I keep looking back over my shoulder to try and catch a glimpse of her but I’m being dragged further away.

Where is she? Was she ever there at all? I know I have a thing for foreign girls, but enough to hallucinate one when I’m about to get laid?

“If you keep looking back over your shoulder, I’m going to get upset.”

“What?”

Looking over my shoulder again but there’s nothing. We’re not even near the crossing anymore.

“Ruri, look at me.”

Keisuke is looking particularly angry when I turn to face him, still holding my hand in a death grip.

“You had to have seen her, there’s no mistaking that girl.”

I feel her hand connect with the side of my face before my eyes register it moving.

“If you don’t shut up about this girl, I’m leaving you here.”

Despite saying this, his grip on my hand only grows stronger. I hadn’t realized it until now, but we’re stepping off the train. How did I miss an entire train ride? Something is seriously wrong with my head right now…

“You want to come back to mine don’t you.”

No.

“Yeah.”

“So are you going to stop ruining the mood by talking about other people?”

Why is this so important to you?

“Of course.”

“Good, let’s get moving.”

He drags me out of the station into a neighbourhood I haven’t visited in a long time. I notice shops that I haven’t been to since junior high, when I used to visit Keisuke’s place for more wholesome reasons.

As we pass a love hotel, it hits me. I’m going to Keisuke’s apartment. His parents aren’t home. That means we’re going to have sex. I hope he has condoms.

“Hey Keisuke…”

“Don’t try talking.”

“Where are your parents now?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You’re sure they’re not home.”

“I’m sure.”

“OK.”

I spend the last couple minutes of our walk trying to mentally prepare myself for what's to come but I can’t. I’m already as ready for this as I’m ever going to be, I’m just worrying about nothing. But I can’t shake this pit in my stomach that wants me to collapse on the street and refuse to move an inch.

We stop outside Keisuke’s apartment but he doesn’t go to open the door. For some reason, he’s surveying the surroundings, as if checking to see that no one else is around. When he turns his head in my direction, I see the tears rolling down his face.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry Kazusa.”

“For what…?”

I look up. The door to his apartment has opened by itself. From the outside, it looks like all the lights are on but insidenothing exists.

My body begs me to run faster than I ever have before but it’s too late. The second I stepped off the train, it was too late. Something invisible strikes from within, grabbing me by my limbs, forcing me to the ground. I try to crawl away but I only have two arms, it has infinite.

As I’m pulled into the nothing, the last thing I see before everything disappears is Keisuke’s blank, tear-filled eyes.