1. The Past and Present

Day in, day out... Each passing day just hurting more and more. I couldn't deal with the pain no longer. The simple desire to end things consumed my soul.

What point was there to continue on with life? Why was there a need for me to continue suffering through all this when I could just finish things off with the single snap of my fingers?

Laying there in my bed, I stared at the ceiling. Questioning myself and the actions that I could be taking. Even though I knew that doing such a thing was no correct answer, it was the only logical thing that came to mind any longer.

My heart was broken, the being who I called myself was no longer there. All that was left was a broken soul who could no longer continue on living with itself. Not just because of the things that had happened the past few days, but also for everything that I had done in the past to others.

I had made others suffer, I had made other's cry because of my own selfish actions and yet, all I could do was simply bite my tongue and continue on with life. 

Dragging me away from my thoughts, I heard my phone ring once, and then twice. I glanced over at my phone and simply checked it with no intention of responding.

Just like I had thought, it was that same person... The one who I had hurt, the one who had broken me as well. Even though the decision was the best one to do, I still felt guilty about it.

I grabbed my phone, left it on my nightstand and simply turned away from it. I wanted to go to sleep. I didn't want to know about anything from the real world. I simply wanted to fall into an eternal sleep where nobody could bother me and where I could no longer hurt others.

Prior to all of this, I was a happy person, I would greet anyone and anybody, wherever I went I would try and give them all a smile, greeting or even a simple wave to show that I knew that they were there.

Alongside that, I was in a happy relationship, my first one at that. It had already been two years since we had gotten together, we had our ups and downs with the relationship, but we always worked through it regardless of who was the one that was in the wrong.

We wanted to be happy together, we were still young, and we wanted to make memories together. Even though I could say all of that with a smile on my face to others, deep down, I was tired... There were times when something so little, so irrelevant could become such a big problem.

It would cause discussions and even to the point of fights. I never wanted for things to get to such a point, I simply wanted to resolve things to the best of my ability, but even that wasn't enough at times.

Whenever such moments would occur, my real thoughts would come slipping out and the memories from the past would emerge once again from where I had them buried.

My childhood was relatively fine, even though I didn't remember almost anything of it, supposedly, it had been nice, but I couldn't remember any of it even if I tried to. The only part of my childhood that I could remember were of course, the bad times.

Seeing my parents fighting with each other, people who we believed were close and dear to us betraying us and backstabbing us behind our backs and then the abuse that I had received from my father.

Be it him beating me, spouting slurs at me or even to the point of being aggressive to my mother. I didn't take kindly to any of that and ever since I was young, I was always aggressive if made to do so.

We would always butt heads, we disliked each other exponentially, even though it was bad to say to your parent, it was the truth. Whenever it would get to the point of actual violence done on his part, my mother would stop me and protect me.

I appreciated her doing so, but the sole desire of getting to hit him back always lingered in the back of my mind. There were times where I would yell at my mother and become aggressive with her for not letting me defend myself or defend her.

She would always shake her head at me and tell me one single sentence "He's your dad."

I would always get even more pissed off and simply shut myself away in my room. But... To this day, there is one moment that still haunts me and one that I will never forget.

My mother and me had gotten into a disagreement about him and his actions. She would say that he was my father and that he still loved him, but I was on the other end of the spectrum. I would tell her that it wasn't fine for him to be treating us like that when he would treat his family who were far away from him even better.

We continued discussing about it and right then and there, I got so heated that I grabbed her by the collar neck of her shirt and lifted my fist, but even then, she hadn't gotten fazed at all and simply said "Hit me!"

She wasn't afraid of me in that moment because she knew that I could never hurt her, but even then, I was disappointed at her for the fact that she could've let her own son do such an unsightly thing to her.

I cursed at myself, let her go and punched the wall the hardest I could. The feeling of my hand impacting the wall sent chills down my spine. I had broken my hand as well as ripped off a little of the skin making me bleed a little bit.

She ran up to me and grabbed my hand, but in that moment, I was still mad at myself for even thinking about doing such a thing to the person who had taken care of me all this time.

I pulled back away from her, went to my room and locked it to make sure nobody could come inside. She banged at the door over and over, but all I could do was just sit in the very corner of my room and cry.

I was crying not just because of my hand hurting, but also for letting my emotions get to such a point of me almost hurting someone else. I didn't want to do such a thing to anyone who didn't deserve it. Not to my mother, not to my future wife and children, not to anyone in my entire life.

I cried and cried my eyes out, cursing at myself and simply telling God to take me away and punish me for everything that I had done. I told him that I didn't want to be living in this world any longer if it meant hurting others, but he never gave him in to my request and simply left me to continue on with my life.

There was no reason to blame him for anything and everything that was happening to me. I could only blame myself for letting such things happen. After that incident, there were moments in my life where, whenever I saw that things were bad or if I had done something to hurt someone dear to me, the thoughts of suicide started taking over my mind.

Everything would be fine if I just died. People would forget about me; nobody would be worrying about one more person living in this world. There were countless ways for me to end my life. Be it with a knife, running away from home or even walking in front of a moving vehicle.

Going back to the present... I hadn't had any thoughts of the sort in a while. I was happy with the life I was living so far. I had my mother who divorced my father, I had a loving girlfriend as well as good friends in school. For once in my life... I was happy and actually having a childhood I could be proud off.

But all that changed in the span of a few days... Once again, I was going to start falling into despair again, and this time around, I was scared that I was actually going to go through with what I was thinking.

"I want us to break up... I can't be with you any more..."

"But... Why? What did I do now?"

"You haven't been paying attention to me as of late... And then you're talking to other girls again... I'm not liking that."

"You know how I am... I talk to everyone" I gently grabbed her hands and stared deep into her eyes "You know that the one I love is you and only you."

She gently shook her hand and pulled back her hands "Just... Leave me alone for today" She turned away from me and started walking away without turning back again. I didn't know what to do in that moment. I didn't understand what was going on. I was still confused.

Even though I was still confused, I could feel my chest tightening up, my breathing was starting to get sporadic and worst of all, this time around, my instinct was telling me that this time, we were actually going to break up.

I didn't want that... I didn't want that at all. I wanted to chase after her, but my body wouldn't respond to me... It was almost as if my body was telling me that they also thought it was time. But I didn't want to... I was happy with her; I was happy doing things with her. 

We were both still young, it was both our first relationships and thus, I still believed that we could fix things. But this time around, it was different. I stared at her fleeting figure and once she was out of sight, I turned around and went to my own classroom.

When the bell rang, I got up from my seat and started making my way towards her classroom, but she was nowhere to be seen. I knew that she didn't want me to tag along with her since she still needed her break, but I just had to make sure that things were alright.

I made my way outside and saw her near the gates. I started walking towards her and before I could call out to her, she was already walking with her friends. I stood there frozen and picked up my phone, but there were no messages from her saying that she was leaving or that she was going out with them.

"I guess I'll just head on home then..."

Slowly but surely, I started making my way home and the entire way there, I could only think about what had happened this morning. The way she looked, her body language, everything about her persona was telling me that it was her genuine feelings.

A sigh escaped my breath and as soon as I got home, a notification popped up on my phone. It was a post from her. I opened up the app and saw that it was a story of her with her friends at the mall.

She looked so happy... She looked free. All the while, I was here suffering and wondering what I had done and how to become better.

"I guess this is it."

Stepping inside my house, I took off my shoes and simply headed to my room without a care in the world. I was tired both physically and mentally. I threw myself onto the bed and stared at the ceiling.

I didn't want to see her again... I didn't want to see anybody right now... I just felt like crying my eyes out because a part of me knew that it was over...

"God... Why do you do this to me?" "I don't want to start thinking like that again... So please, just let me be happy for a little bit longer... I beg you."

I got underneath the covers and blankets, rolled up into a ball and fell asleep. I might've been mature for my age, but I had to grow up fast because of all the bullshit that had been happening in my life when I was little... I didn't have the liberty of living a normal childhood like I had wanted.

And whenever something happens that leaves me in such a mental state... The inner child comes out... Following suit after that are the dark thoughts that start clouding my mind.