A Blessing

Ivy didn’t feel like talking. She didn’t feel like singing or humming. She didn’t want to dance.

She just wanted to cry.

But she couldn’t even do that.

All she could do was hold onto Zero’s hand as they walked down the path towards Volsceen, watching the ground pass below her feet as she felt the emptiness settle within her. She could lay in his arms at night until she slipped away into the warmth and light, giving her respite until the morning when the heat that she couldn’t tame would claim her once again.

Guilt would nag at her every time Ren apologized, his ocean eyes spilling with remorse as he’d offer her small tokens of atonement; a bouquet of flowers or carvings of birds and kittens and chipmunks. She would quietly accept them, wanting to express herself but unable to push the words from her tongue. How she wanted to explain that she had nothing to forgive. That she wasn’t upset with Ren.

She was upset with herself.

And it only hurt more each time Sakura would shower her with love and affection in the way that only she could, making every attempt to get the girl to smile again.

And Ivy wanted to.

But she just couldn’t.

She knew Ren and Sakura thought she was embarrassed about what they saw.

But she really wasn’t.

Ivy didn’t mind that they had seen the ritual, the dance she shared with Zero. They had seen her dance countless times before, so why would this be any different?

But she felt ashamed. And weak. And she couldn’t understand why it was so hard. Why she couldn’t do it?

No matter how hard she tried, there was no controlling it.

Zero had been able to.

So why couldn’t she?

What was wrong with her?

The mornings had continued just the same; the connection, the greeting, the farewell. But Zero no longer asked, his spirit silent, too weighed down by his own guilt to reach out for more. To take what she so desperately wanted to give.

It just made her feel worse.

Ivy sat in the river, the water gently swirling around her, the current at a crawl. She watched the birds fly in and out of the trees, hopping around on the branches during their stay. She listened to their songs.

Unable to sing her own.

Sakura sat behind her, washing the girl’s hair, running her fingers through the sopping tresses with care. Ivy wondered how much longer they’d be there for. They had already sat in the water for longer than necessary, letting it wash over their bare skin, no longer needing to be clean. The woman had spent an extensive amount of time tending to the amethyst waves, thoroughly lathering and scrubbing at the girl’s scalp before massaging each strand with oil. And though Ivy would normally relish in the extra attention, she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy the demon’s pampering this time.

All she wanted was to sleep, to escape, so she could try again. Maybe tomorrow would be better? Maybe she could do it then?

The song behind her started quiet, uncertain and out of tune. It slowly built, a little at a time, gaining confidence. Ivy knew the notes, ones that Ren would hum when the quiet had set it. She knew it well but had never heard the words.

The river winds through the town

It twists through the trees

The birds in the sky

Just let them be

The flowers will grow

And they will die

The sun will set

And it will rise

My darling, my love

I hope that you see

I’ll go anywhere

So long as you’re with me

Ivy listened as the woman sang softly to her, her voice breaking and uneven at points. But she sang it over and over, her fingers brushing through the girl’s hair, bringing a calm that only Sakura had ever been able to provide. It had been so long since she had felt this way, though it used to be commonplace. Back when it was just the two of them, and Ivy was still so young. When the vixen would hold her at night, smoothing her hair and rubbing her back, whispering stories in her ear until she drifted off to sleep. Feeling so at peace. So loved.

But never had the woman sang to her.

It spoke to the girl.

That even if Sakura found out who she was and where she came from, none of it would matter. The years would continue to pass but nothing would change. Ivy would still feel the same way she did on those nights. And wherever the woman chose to go, the girl would follow. She’d go wherever she went. She’d never leave her. To do so would be to lose a part of herself.

And she knew that the woman felt the same way about her.

Because Sakura loved Ivy more than she loved herself.

As any true mother would for their child.

“That’s the song that Ren hums,” Ivy finally spoke once the woman had finished.

She nodded with a small smile, grateful to be hearing the girl’s voice. “It was a song my mother used to sing to me when I was little. I taught it to Ren, and we would sing it to each other sometimes.”

“You have a really pretty voice.”

Sakura snorted, knowing very well she didn’t. “I wouldn’t go that far. But if you think that’s good, you should hear Ren.”

She looked back at the woman innocently. “Does he sing well?”

“Only if you enjoy the sounds of an animal’s death cry.”

The girl looked concerned. “Oh. I really don’t.”

“I know you don’t.” The fox laughed as she twisted the water from the girl’s hair. “I’m exaggerating, but only a little bit. You’d think an angel would be able to sing. Maybe those other angels can. You know, wings like those of a dove and voices to match, too. And since Ren’s wings are like a crow, maybe that’s why he squawks like one? His hummings not bad, though. He can at least keep a tune. I can’t say the same for myself.”

“I love your voice.” And Ivy did. “You should sing to me more.” It was something that she had never heard, and knew she seldom would be moving forward, if at all. She would cherish what was offered, but still try for more.

“I’ll think about it.” Sakura kissed the top of her head and looked regretfully at the girl. “I’m sorry we embarrassed you the other day. It was a terrible way to bring it up. I don’t blame you for being mad.”

“But I’m not mad,” she insisted as she turned around, violet eyes sincere. “And I wasn’t embarrassed either. I love Zero, and I don’t mind if anyone sees. I hope they do. He means everything to me, and I want everyone to know.”

Sakura blinked at the girl, surprised at her sudden unabashed honesty. She knew it was true, anyone with eyes and half a brain could see it. But she didn’t think the girl would so readily admit it. But then again, she never had any problem showing affection and giving all of her attention to Zero. Always holding onto his hand or arm, hugging him at every opportunity, curling against him at night. Ivy was always trying to practically intertwine herself with the boy. She only seemed to get flustered when it was the other way around, seemingly becoming overwhelmed at even the most benign of interactions with the devil when his focus was on her.

“Then why have you been so upset?” The woman caressed the girl’s face. “You haven’t talked at all. That’s not like you.”

Ivy didn’t know how to explain it, but she wanted to try so that Sakura would understand. “I’m mad at myself. I’m mad that I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t handle it. It’s too much.” She looked down, feeling the guilt again.

The woman pulled her face back up, emeralds looking for answers. “What’s too much, Ivy? You know you can tell me.”

The flame.

The fire.

The heat.

Everything.

Ivy thought about it, attempting to put a label on all that she herself had struggled to fully grasp. “Zero’s feelings.”

“Zero’s feelings?” Sakura was incredulous, her face twisting in disbelief. “Fucking what feelings?” But the despairing look that Ivy gave her broke her heart. The girl looked distraught and hopeless, completely unlike herself.

“He doesn’t show them,” her voice was so small as tears began slipping down her cheeks. “But I can feel them. They’re so strong, but I just… I can’t. I can’t handle any of it. I can’t…” And she was sobbing uncontrollably, unable to finish under the weight of her despair.

Sakura didn’t understand but she held the girl as she cried, feeling helpless, before helping her from the river and assisting her in getting dressed. She pulled the girl onto her back, as she had done so many times before, and began her way back to camp. She only made it a short ways before she stopped, listening to the footsteps that made their way towards them. The demon looked up at the devil as he stopped before her, his eyes so sad, so understanding, as he peered down at her.

“I’ll take her,” his voice gentle as he took the girl from her, their chests pressed together as she clung tightly to him. “She’ll be okay.”

Sakura watched them as they turned and walked back to camp, getting further and further away from her.

When exactly had this begun?

When had the change taken place?

When had the girl gone from holding on to her to reaching for another?

When had Sakura let go?

And why did it feel so right to do so?

Why did it feel meant to be?

As though the two were one.

She touched her face, her fingers wet from the drops that fell from her eyes.

To be witness to the connection between the boy and girl.

To see something so beautiful.

So whole.

Natural.

It was truly a blessing.