Learning To Die

I had a lot of questions i could ask myself right now, but i couldn't really answer any of them.

Why did she act that way? Why did she treat me like that?

Did i do anything to upset her, or to get her to act like this?

I can't really tell. All i know, is that something is wrong.

At the moment, i can't even bring myself to be in the same room as her. I couldn't stand the sharp pain that i felt in my chest as soon as i entered my classroom, so i ended up running away.

She's never going to come get me in the first place, but i don't think anyone else will either.

I've sat here looking down at the city for a whole hour now, and i still can't do anything. I feel frozen in place, and the same words she gave me are echoing in my head.

"We're both girls."

-Yeah, as if you'd be concerned about that out of all things, you liar.

"Katagiri-san, im never going to like you back. So please, refrain from approaching me from now on. "

-And what am i supposed to do? I can't just give up on things like that.

As i kept recalling the same words i've thought about over, and over again my vision started to get blurry from the tears forming up, and all i could do about it was clench my hands together on my chest, and try to endure anything that might happen to me from now on.

I heard footsteps near and i turned around in panic while i fixed my expression and just tried to act normal.

-Who's there?

The door slammed open and i saw one of the few faces i wasn't really looking forward to seeing.

She walked up to me and as i dropped my fake expression and went back to the blank stare i've had this whole time, the girl that walked onto the rooftop grabbed me with strength by the collar.

-You're gonna answer everything i ask you from now on.

-Do i have a particular reason to?

Akari shoved me back with strength onto the fence behind me.

She stared me down with anger, as i just looked back at her without anything but confusion on my head.

-I don't care if you have one.

As she tried to forcefully drag me around i slapped her hand away and pushed her back.

-Well, go ahead then. I don't have anything new to tell you, really.

Her face instantly switched from anger to sudden confusion.

She sighed and just sat down, patting the spot next to invite me to sit down.

-Im sorry i was that impulsive...

She bowed to me and apologized. I just nodded to her and she started speaking to me in her normal, relaxed tone.

-I know you confessed to her, and she rejected you quite harshly. I know you're not okay, but can i be sure you didn't actually do anything to Minami, right?

I didn't want to sit down besides her, cause i don't want to go back to the same distance we had before.

-If i did, i would at least have the guts to be in the same class as her, but im a coward and i just ran away.

-Pretty much everyone knows you suddenly confessed to her by now. The problem isn't that, the problem is Minami suddenly broke down at the entrance, and caused a huge scene. She has bruises in her arms, and also she started having a anxiety attack at one of the school's staff raising his voice to dispell the crowd and take her into the infirmary.

-So, im just being the scapegoat to whatever's going on in Minami's life.

Akari put a troubled expression again and just nodded.

-I don't think anyone could believe you're the one that did anything to Minami, so its annoying...

-But, not like someone's not going to believe it either. After all, i don't really have any friends and i don't have a good reputation to begin with.

She stood up, and broke eye contact with me.

-I'll do anything within my reach to prevent the gossip from spreading around, but you're going to have a tough time, Katagiri-chan.

-I know. I don't really care to begin with.

-You're not in the wrong, you know? First, lets clear anything that's possible up.

As i gripped the fence hard with my right hand, a single answer popped up in my head.

-Like things are ever going to get "cleared up". Minami hates me anyway so there's no point. Im just the one girl that barely talks to anyone, and now is responsible for doing whatever to her.

-Katagiri-chan, you'll get bullied day in and day out at this point, you know?

-Yeah, and i don't care. Her words already did most of the damage and i don't want to waste my time on a mundane effort.

And months passed.

And months kept passing.

From there, i think i stopped "living" in the true sense of the word. I stopped speaking to Minami from that day, and my life became as dull as it was before she appeared.

I didn't even have the courage to go back to spending my days in the library, since that place was filled with memories from us.

I couldn't even describe the sharp headaches i got from time to time, or the sharp pain i felt in my chest when i glanced at her back from time to time as just "heartbreak". I felt completely destroyed, and i was acting like it aswell.

When i looked at myself in the mirror, i couldn't even recognize who i was looking at. It almost looked blurry when i tried to focus my gaze on myself, and i don't know which one of the clouded emotions could describe it.

Time passed, and it just passed. Nothing changed, but just her absence made me realize how much my happiness, and my feelings were dependant on her. Im not sure if it even was only love what i felt for her, deep down in between there was admiration, and more important than anything dependance.

And the worst part of it, she wasn't absent at all. She was still in the same classroom, and i could still hear her voice. If anything, i am the one absent now from what used to be so precious to me.

She was the core of my social interactions. She was the core of my happiest moments, and she was the core of my emotional stability.

Most of the time i was thinking something like this in my head, every single break i had at school. I'd just run to the rooftop as fast as i could, and sit in silence there, thinking and praying to get our relationship back, knowing it was never going to happen.

Everyone started looking at me with disdain from a far. Akari was dissapointed about me giving up on everything like this, and i haven't even heard anything about Emi, nor have i seen her face at all.

Whatever the case is, everyone is looking down at me as if i was some sort of monster.

-Is it really that bad to just fall in love and act on it?

I whispered to myself while looking at the sky as i laid down in the bench.

Im supposed to be eating something, but i'd figured the cafeteria would be too crowded, and regardless of how numb i feel, the stares people give me still scare me.

The bell rang as i was stuck on my head, for yet another day and as i left the rooftop i started going down the stairs, to the class i dreaded to be in.

Nothing was okay with me at that point, and it was fine, but things change.

On my last few months of junior high, i was a target to just about anyone.

Minami was already popular when we were close friends, but i never truly realized how popular she was in the school until this last year.

It all started when girls from my class would steal my books. They would doodle over my desk and write down things like "bitch", or "ugly", or other derogatory comments towards me. I thought it was just child-like and dumb, so it really didn't bother me in the first place, but it didn't look that way outwards.

While i wasn't precisely hurt by these things, my expression still didn't change from the same "blank" face i had all the time.

The teachers didn't know what to do, so i often got sent out of class and to the infirmary because i looked like i wasn't feeling well, and the truth is, i really wasn't. But it wasn't because they did anything in the first place, it was because i didn't feel like i was living. It all felt like a constant loop that i wasn't even aware of.

The school nurse at the infirmary often kept asking me if i was alright when i saw her, and one of the questions she gave me the most was

"Are you concerned about anything?"

I always gave evasive answers to her, and while i felt slightly guilty by it, i wasn't going to tell her anything.

This went on, day after day.

And the scary part, was that i didn't think of it as anything special. Their disgusted stares were the only thing that made me recoil.

I was going up to the rooftop to follow the same usual dull routine i had, when i felt someone's hand latch onto my cardigan.

-Minami would hate to see you like this, you know?

-Leave me alone. I don't care about it anymore, Emi.

This girl never spoke a word to me after Minami left, and yet here she is bothering me like she knows something about me.

-You're pathetic. If you're acting like this after nearly a year has passed, then you're really something else. Its no wonder Minami didn't want to talk to you anymore.

-Is that so?

I clenched my fist so hard my fingernails dug into my own hand and hurt me. She's hitting a sore spot, and my frustration confirmed it.

-Yeah. Not even that. You also look terrible.

Her voice felt like incredibly loud static in my head. It was hurting me.

-If we're done here im leaving.

-You're thinner, your eyebags are way darker than usual, your nails have bite marks all over them, and your hair is incredibly messy. So much for someone who can't even take care of her...

It keeps getting louder, and louder, i can't stand it. Stop. Please, STOP

-Shut up.

-And worst of it all, you just gave up on her without underst...

-Please, stop talking. You have no clue about how i feel, so shut up and leave me alone.

Emi looked at me with disgust, and she just turned her back to me and left.

And i finally stopped feeling numb. For once, i felt incredibly annoyed at her words.

From here on, it even got worse.

They shoved me in the hallways, tripped me on the stairs, and laughed as i nonchalantly fell, and stood back up.

I thought to myself, "Ahh, so this is how things are."

They never did anything more than just pushing me around from time to time, but the unexpressive face i'd mantain throughout anything must have eventually scared them back into just spreading gossip about me.

Every day was just a never ending chain of being the odd one out, no matter where i went. And thanks to that, my interest in everything just dissapeared, and my grades started dropping heavily.

I was never a exceptional student as my father demanded, but i was smart enough, to the point that with a slight bit of effort i could stand out, until i just stopped.

One of those days, i was so fed up and tired i managed to just walk around with no direction until i eventually got tired and went home. I arrived at around 11pm, so of course my mother at least was worried. But my father wasn't really worried about that. He was tired about my grades dropping. He only cares about business, and business alone.

As soon as i stepped into our living room, a loud smack could be heard.

-It hurts...

-Akane, you will cease whatever you're doing right now and go study in your room.

My father slapped my face as soon as he saw me.

-Im not doing that.

-I didn't ask you. You've been a waste of my resources and time long enough, you're going to shut your mouth and do as i sa...

Ugh, i've had enough of you.

-Alright, enough. Im not doing that. If that's all, im going to bed.

After that, i just locked myself in my room and fell asleep nearly instantly. Im not sure if it was me being tired or not, but i didn't bother to hear a single of my father's words.

That night alone, i probably ruined the relationship between him and my mother beyond repair.

The months passed, and now my grades dropping wasn't the only problem.

My assistance also dropped inmensely.

While my father genuinely stopped caring about me, and was never home in the first place, my mother spent this entire time worrying about me as much as she could without directly bothering me.

I was clearly depressed enough to the point where she couldn't get through to me, so she just made sure i stayed safe wherever i went and made sure i was eating, and i was taking care of myself at least physically.

Of course, since everyone at school genuinely stopped paying attention to my existance after Minami rejected me, no one bothered to call in to see if im sick, or whatever reason i must be skipping school this much so i essentially just faded.

The days i did go to school, i couldn't stand the gazes of everyone, and i couldn't bother to hear Minami's voice become back to the usual Minami i knew.

It's like she didn't change a thing.

No, it's like i didn't change a thing. Even if i was there, or if i was not she kept shining like she always did. So with time i convinced myself, that what she told me back then, were her true feelings.

Akari and Emi both reached out to me multiple times to "help" me in their own ways, but i didn't let them close enough to do so.

We were only linked through Minami, and that's a thread that's severed.

I don't want their help, cause there's not a problem with me or with us, and there's nothing to fix.

Im pretty sure, whatever the reason for her having those bruises, having those eyebags and the attitude she had that day are way outside whatever i can do.

And that's how my last year of junior high ended.

I didn't even graduate alongside everyone. The same day i was supposed to be recieving my diploma for junior high, i didn't get out of my room, and i just sat there in my bed listening to music all day.

That's how everything should have ended.

But, the same day i decided i was way too frustrated to stay inside all day, so i dressed up and just left my house.

It was autumn already, so it was pretty windy and the sky was filled with clouds.

The trees were now dyed a orange color, and the scenery felt somewhat depressing to me.

"Maybe its just me" I thought to myself, and i just kept walking until i arrived at the one place that popped up in my head.

This is the same park where we used to hang out at, with Minami and the other girls.

I should feel a little more shaken up at this place, but now it just feels dull without all the chatter and noise.

As i sat down in the same area we always did, i started listening to music and just staring at the scenery quietly.

And nothing changed.

No one appeared, i didn't remember anything special, and i didn't do anything else than sit in silence.

Im being stupid enough already, what was this about?

I stood up quickly, picked up my things and just kept walking, until i felt a hand grab the cuff of my hoodie.

-Don't turn around, just sit there for a minute.

I felt a shock through my entire body, and i just sat down as the voice i've dreaded so much to listen to these months ordered me to.

I was too stunned to even speak, so i just sat there trying to hold myself together.

-Don't ask, i've been here for about ten minutes, you just didn't realize.

I have no clue how i didn't realize she was behind me this entire time, but i figured it'd be a waste of time to think about it.

-Im going to be honest with you, i don't know why i stopped you from leaving. Just seeing you makes things harder.

I bit my lip in frustration at her evasiveness.

-What do you even mean, it "makes things harder". You aren't as stupid as you act, so you know damn well how i've been feeling this last year.

-Yeah, i do. Figured anyone else would know aswell, given you're like a ghost. You didn't even show up to our graduation, despite passing somehow. You didn't even take exams.

-And why does that even matter? Im not even sure how i did end up passing either...

Although it probably has to do with my parents moving some strings. My grades aren't terrible enough yet, though so i might be reaching.

Wait, we're getting sidetracked. I don't want her to leave again without telling me nothing.

-Just shut up and tell me. What really happened to you that day? Tell me the truth, before you hurt me more than you already did.

My voice isn't even shaking. Im just frustrated. This is the only chance i will get to direct this frustration, and this uneasiness i've had for so long at something, or someone.

-My father left me when i was born. He couldn't deal with having a child that wasn't planned in the first place, so he just left. My mom has always raised me by herself, so it's always been a struggle.

-Does it have anything to do with me, and how you treated me?

-Yes, so shut up and listen, Akane.

I froze up and my frustration was mixed with anxiety at her using my name again. I just held my hands together and let her continue, slightly scared of her voice, and her words.

I can't see what she looks like, but it isn't the same person i was in love with, and it isn't the same person that broke my heart that day either.

One way or the other, i can still tell, this is Minami im talking to.

-We have never been okay financially, but this time was specially bad. My mother was barely scraping by, and she started dating a young businessman in hope that she could leech off him so i could finish my studies. That's why i've always been popular in school, and why my grades are always at the top. If it was up to me, i'd waste no time on that, but i need to. If my mom needs it, im going to have to use them.

-And that's how it's been for you always, right?

-Yeah. Thing is, her relationship with this businessman went well, and they are going to get married. And that's where the problems start, because he's keen on bringing me to parties as his daughter, and introducing me to important people as a marriage candidate in the future.

-You're not okay with that, aren't you?

-Like i would be. The problem, is that he told my mom that this would be a good financial benefit, and she got sold instantly. Not only that, but she's been keen about me finding a boyfriend to be a "experienced partner" in the future, and it has been eating away at me this entire time.

-I get the situation you were in, but did i end up getting involved in some way?

I was incredibly scared about what could possibly come next, because im going to know the truth of her feelings now.

And its a truth im not sure i want to discover, but this far in i can't back away from it either.

-Yeah, sadly. One of these days where i'd make my usual passes at you by hugging you, and just clinging to you, we got photographed by one of the dudes i met at these parties he'd bring me to. And it passed on to not only him, but my mother aswell.

-How did she react?

-She went insane. She started breaking things at home, yelling at me that how could i "step on what she's been doing for me" like this and scolding me for just acting like that towards another girl. I tried explaining to her that we are just friends and the generic evasive response, but she didn't buy it and kept scolding me. This went on for a while, until she saw us and heard us herself.

If her mother did end up hearing us, then it was probably bad. The way we spoke to each other, would be pretty much a death sentence to her in the ears of her mother.

-That day, when i came home she got violent. Not only towards me, but towards the businessman she was dating aswell. He tried to defend me because it was convenient to keep me around, but he also got hit by my mother multiple times. That same day, i ran away from home and he gave me money to survive for a few months until he finds a place for me to stay.

-And, where did you end up?

-Living with my aunt, for now. She hates my mother so she was insanely reluctant towards me living with her, but she agreed so long as i help her with anything she needs.

-Was the idea of living with that businessmen that horrible?

-I was going to get forced into a lot of things, so yeah. I was grateful for him standing up to me, and for the money. But i'd be caught dead before being forced into that kind of life.

She's being evasive again.

-Are you going to skip over completely over that day?

She sighed and i could picture her in my head making a disgusted expression.

-I had been living with my aunt for a few days, and i was so terrified by my mother's outburst that i couldn't sleep at all. Not only that, but im still scared just thinking about it. And, the reason to why i acted like that, was because i was scared of you.

I could feel my chest start to hurt at her words, and i could feel a cold run through my whole body.

-I pinned the blame on my mother's outburst on you out of fear and frustration, so i snapped at you inconsciently.

She stopped for a few seconds and i could feel her head rest on my back as she gripped my hoodie tight.

-Akane, i wasn't just playing with you. Im sorry for saying that out of all things... I was worried that we were weird for acting like that when we are both girls. That's how my mother saw it, and i couldn't help but think about it that way as well. My mother is the one responsible for the bruises i had in my arms that day aswell, and i should have at least tried to speak up to you after it, but...

By this point, i went back to feeling numb to it.

Im probably supposed to be crying at Minami's true feelings, but right now it just feels like reading the ending to a book you didn't like.

-What excuse are you going to give me now?

-I was scared. Ever since then, your eyes changed. Before, i could genuinely see every emotion you felt in them, and when i fell in love with you i thought they were shining... but they feel empty now. It feels like you're looking at nothing, and even when you speak your voice sounds devoid of feeling... I want to know, what happened to you, Akane?

What happened?... Aren't you well aware what's the reason for all of this happening?

The cold i felt quickly turned into a boiling heat that was spreading through my entire body.

My hands were clenching each other with strength inconsciously, and i could feel the anger and frustration i've kept locked up inside me freeing itself with each word Minami spoke.

-You.

Minami lifted her head from my back as i said this, and i realized the true answer to the nothing i thought i was feeling this entire time.

-I fall in love with you, and after i open up my heart to you, i get met with; "You're weird", and "I was passing time".

Minami held my hand desperately as i said this and tried to interrupt me

-I told you already i wasn't really...

-Not only that. I don't even get the luxury of being worried about the person i fell in love with, and i keep asking myself if it was my fault, and if she's okay.

This time, she didn't say anything.

-After that, i get bullied. I get stared at as a monster. I get called a bitch, i get called ugly. I get called a lesbian, as if i was some sort of plague. They steal my books, they push me around, and make me trip wherever they see me.

She's out of words to speak, because now, its my turn to give her my honest feelings.

-I get to hear the person i love every day, continue to shine as usual, and move on with her life as if nothing ever happened. I get to watch this all, as if i was some sort of spectator that got thrown around.

-But, Akane...

I pushed her hand away from mine as i turned around to face her directly.

-This entire time, i've been repressing my love, my admiration and my longing for you. But love isn't something that lasts forever. With time, that love and fire that was burning inside my heart, turned into nothing more than a numb cold. And it envolved everything. I was genuinely happy yet scared about meeting you today, but now that i've heard your side, i've come to a conclusion.

I stood up, and looked down on the crying Minami as i was ready to deliver the final nail on the coffin for us.

-Minami Niekawa, you are my first love, and you've completely ruined my life. I hate you. I can't stand seeing you like this. It's not like my love for you has faded either way, but you've done so much damage to me to the point where the only thing i can associate to you in my head is "hate". This is where it ends for us. I don't want to associate with you again, for the sake of both of us.

I wonder what kind of face im making right now, as im telling her. Has the blank expression i've worn for the last year finally turned into something else?

I don't know.

Minami's eyes are filled with regret and... fear.

-I hope you don't have any major trouble from now on, Minami.

I could feel Minami's hoarse whisper turn into a desperate cry for her last words

-Akane, i hope you're able to smile again, even if im the one that took that from you...

I felt something pierce my heart at this. It's not the same love i've felt for her.

No, this is truly the "heartbreak" i never felt back then. With this, i know it's over.

-Goodbye.

I turned around, and as the tears started raining down my face, i could hear Minami shout something at me from a distance.

-Akane, i love you. Im sorry. Im really sorry..

And that was the end of it all. This is how my junior high ended, with me losing along with Minami a sense of "me" i would never get back.

A part of "Akane" died along with our relationship.

As i was walking home, still unable to stop crying, i got stopped by my mom a few blocks close by.

-I was looking for you, Akane. Are you okay?

I softly buried my face against her chest, as i stopped fighting back the tears that were still falling down from my face, despite my effort.

She didn't say a single word. She just hugged me tightly, as i fell to my knees, and let every feeling i've been repressing take hold of me.

And so, about a hour passed. I was finally able to stand back up, and my mom helped me walk back home.

As i sat in my room, she entered with me and handed me a new phone, along with a pair of keys and a wallet.

-I've been thinking about it for a while, but it's better for you to move from here, and live in the city, even if it's by yourself.

I was drained out from crying so much, so i just nodded and waited on her to explain a little bit more.

-I know you want to get as far away from your dad as you can, and i understand it. That's why, i'll help you, regardless of what will happen. Take the train early in the morning after you've packed up your clothes in the bag i left you. The apartment is mine, its where i used to live when i was studying. In the wallet, there's my credit card and there's my train pass.

I didn't even think for a second, cause i knew what i was going to tell mom.

-I've had a terrible year, and i've felt horrible this entire time, but i finally buried most of it today. I don't want to be a model student, i don't want to waste my life on studying, and i don't want to take over father's business either. This is for my own sake, after all. Im scared, but im sure it'll work out.

She smiled at me, and she gave me a firm hug before leaving my room.

This will help me move forward, right?.

I don't know.

Im still scared, but for now i'll just close my eyes, and hope that my dreams don't show me what i don't want to see anymore.