Shouldn't Matter But It Does

-I see you still have the same old habit of spacing out out of nowhere, don't you?

-Uaaagh!?

As i came back to the present world instead of the scenario that i was reliving in my head, my mom's snarky smile combined with her words told me i've been spacing out for quite a while.

-I get worried when you do that, you know? It looks like you fall asleep in place.

-Well, im sorry i am this way...

-So, did you find a answer?

-Eh? To what?

-You told me Niekawa-chan was in your class, and then you spaced out completely. So, can you at least tell me what do you think about her now?

I took a sip of tea and took a deep breath before thinking to myself.

It'd be normal for anyone else to think that i hate her completely if they know the story i have with her, and while my mom doesn't really know all of it, she's somewhat aware that my feelings about here are conflicted to say the less.

Even if i try to sort it out by logic, i can only push a single answer out, no matter how much my chest hurts when i say it.

Why does it hurt in the first place? I should be over this already, it's been a whole year and i was able to say it to her face, so why am i doubting myself to begin with?

Im just being stupid, right?..

-I.... i really think i hate her. I can't look forward like nothing happened, and just seeing her makes me feel uneasy.

-Do you really think so?

-I told you the only thing i could make out to be a "answer"...

-To me it looks the other way, though. You still can't let go of her.

-And what does that even mean?

A slight nervousness spread through my body, and i could feel my heartbeat starting to go faster and faster as my mother denied the only thing i've been convincing myself to be the truth about us.

-You never really took what Niekawa-chan told you that day as her true feelings, right?

I nodded as she recalled the things i told her a year ago.

-Then, what were her actual feelings? You just took the answer you knew was fake, and ran away pinning all the blame on her. Of course, you are bound to hold some sort of resentment to her because of the constant bullying you went through, but if you were to take Niekawa-chan's initial rejection of you as fake, that girl must have went through hell itself seeing you slowly rot away and turn lifeless without being able to do anything about it.

-But, she didn't even try to reach out to me in the first place, and i doubt she even cared about it to begin with, so what's with that?

-Akane, if Niekawa-chan were to talk to you in that state, do you think you would have reacted any better?

-We would have at least worked something out, right?

-You wouldn't. Because you gave up that easily, Niekawa Minami's whole existance became a source of pain for you in that school. No matter how she tried to mend things, even if she jumped straight into your arms telling you she loves you, the words she told you as a rejection already gave way to a scar so deep, anything else would have made it worse for you.

I couldn't answer anything back back now, because i realized the grave mistake i did back then.

As i grew to hate Minami, i pinned all of my emotions, that other people stirred up in me on a single person. I wasn't precisely trying to direct all the frustration and hate towards her, i just wanted to channel it and get it out of my mind and body.

The only problem, was that Minami was way too convenient to blame for everything, even when i might have hurt her even worse than she hurt me.

-A scapegoat. That's what the old Niekawa-chan ended up being to you.

I used Minami as a scapegoat for my emotions, just as everyone else used me as a scapegoat, and as a reason for Minami's drastic changes and problems.

-So, can you still say with a straight face that you hate her, knowing this?

-Of course i can't.

-Well, it is complicated, but i don't think you and Niekawa-chan should let go of each other, in a way.

-Wouldn't that just hurt us more in the end? Our positions have completely flipped, and she's probably better off...

-Love isn't a rational thing, Akane. Don't try to come up with anything. Just try it one more time with her. Even if you both do end up hurting each other more, it's up to you both to either work it out, or just leave each other be in that moment.

-Why are we keeping this topic on the base that im in love with her?

-I thought you were. But maybe its more complicated... well, whatever. It's getting late, so its about time we both leave.

She's concerned about the trip back, huh...

As i nodded and we both split ways, my mom waved me goodbye without telling me a single thing about her, as usual. She did leave me her phone number this time though, and she left me a single text.

"Don't give up on people so easily"

-That's a bit heavy...

The bus ride back home wasn't very nice, if im being honest. If i was already jumping the gun a few months ago when i told her straight to her face that i hated her, now that i know the way i acted was pretty wrong, im incredibly scared on what's to eventually come.

It'd be easy of me to just avoid it from now on, and spend the next three years ignoring her, but... i don't want to do that.

It would be incredibly selfish and unfair of me to pretend she doesn't exist, let along do nothing about the guilt she's probably still feeling to this very exact moment.

Besides, i can't just walk up to her and have a "catching up" conversation in school out of all places... No, im never doing that.

Im going to have to find a way to do so, without being incredibly awkward about it... Although that's something she's probably expecting, and she's probably used to by now.

And a day passed, and NOTHING has been found.

-What am i supposed to do about it...

-About what?

-Nothing...

Wait, what are you doing here?

-Koharu, shouldn't you be in class right now?

-I could, but i don't feel like it. Besides, seeing you walk with your head zoned out was scary. I was completely certain you were going to crash into something.

-Im sorry about that... Well, i don't think anyone would miss a oportunity to skip math class. Guess we're delinquents now.

-How dare we skip class. We're never living this one down.

This is a good opportunity to ask her about it... Hopefully she doesn't get too pushy about all the story.

-Koharu, have you ever been in love with someone?

-Not really. I've been confessed to a few times, but i've never been in a relationship. Why is that?

-Im having a bit of a hard time over a certain someone in that classroom, and im really lost. I have no clue about nothing, by now.

-Hm.... it's Nie-chan, right?

Is she maybe a genius?

No, i forgot she was about the only person that realized i get overly anxious around her in the classroom.

-Yeah.

-Mind telling me exactly what, or are you going to go "i hope she doesnt get pushy about it, it'd be annoying".

-I don't sound like that. Besides, stop guessing my thoughts pretty damn accurately.

Well, there goes my chances at making things vague for her..

-I was in love with her, a year or so back. We were really close friends, and i confessed to her, but it didn't work out at all. It went horribly wrong, and i got bullied for a while, cause she was having problems with her family around that time and people misunderstood it as me doing something to her.

-Well, you probably had zero chance to do anything about a good group of people... given how stubborn you tend to be, you probably weren't even concerned about something else other than Nie-chan.

-You are right on that. But, we didn't speak at all until we graduated. And the day we graduated, she explained everything to me. What happened on her side, and how she truly felt about it... and a lot of things. It all ended up with her telling me she loved me, but...

I pinned all the blame, and everything that happened on her instead of thinking it through, and trying to at least talk to each other before deciding how i truly felt.

-And?

Im stupid. I can't afford to hesitate now that i really know that i share the same amount of blame.

I bit my lip, and just forced myself to talk.

-I told her i hated her. That everything was her fault, and that even if i was in love with her, that died down thanks to her. And i even doubled down on it this year, cause we casually met each other near by.

-For you to snap at someone like that... it must have been hard, right?

-Of course it was. And i just realized that i did things wrong.

-Did you? I feel like anyone in your position would hold it against Nie-chan, at least to some degree. Besides, you don't seem the type to hold on to people when they wrong you, so why are you still holding on to Nie-chan, despite you both clearly causing a lot of pain to each other?

If i knew i'd tell you... but im not sure about it either. Im pretty convinced she's on the same boat here.

-I'd like to know myself, Koharu. I can't seem to find a answer about it at all. But... i feel like i can't forget about her knowing well i've caused her a lot of pain i shouldn't have.

Koharu stood up, picked up her things and turned her back to me.

-Kata-chan... you're a lot nicer than you look. I won't tell you anything, but you shouldn't give up on Nie-chan. Im sure she's waiting for you, to some degree.

I waved goodbye to her as she walked back into our classroom, as my hand fell and i clenched my skirt in frustration.

What is it that im not realizing, that both Koharu and Mom saw about us?...

My frustration and confusion both turned into a grim mix of emotions that was filling me, as i followed behind Koharu and just walked back to class, after the small break i took to clear up my head left me even in more of a mess than before.

Class passed by, without me paying any particular attention to anything other than the thoughts that were scattered in my head.

The bell eventually rang, after what felt like a eternity to me, and i quickly packed up my things inside of my bag, to leave as quickly as possible.

I stood up, and gave Koharu the same wink i usually do, before standing up.

-Katagiri, can you give me a few minutes of your time?

Haruno-sensei called out to me, stopping me from leaving.

I looked back at Koharu, and she winked back. She was going to wait for me, so i answered.

-What's wrong?

-Are you okay? Fujita told me you weren't really feeling well to begin with, so i was surprised when you walked back

Oh, that's what this is about...

-Im okay. I...

I don't have any reason to lie, right?...

-I had a lot of things in my head, so i wanted to skip to think about them properly.

-Next time, just come in and ask me if you ever need to go out. I understand how you feel, just don't start skipping like your idiot of a mother.

Ahh, i forgot they know each other...

-Why am i not surprised about it at all.

I buried my face in both of my hands as the image of my mom in my head shattered for like the 9th time.

-She used to miss every day until she was in danger of getting held back, you know? Everyone hated her for it. We had this girl we saw once a month if we were lucky, and she somehow outdid us in every exam.

-Well, im not surprised about it... She calls me out of nowhere to meet up with me, and i don't know where she is, where she's working, or any of that. I just got her actual phone number recently to begin with. She's a mess.

Haruno-sensei looked dead in her eyes when i was going over this... Im sorry, mom.

-Don't turn out like her, please...

-I won't. See you tomorrow.

I bowed to her, and left my classroom to find a bit of a surprise.

Koharu seemed anxious, and was waiting for me outside our classroom, instead of waiting at the entrance, like usual.

-Kata-chan, can i ask you for a favor?

-This is unusual for you... what's up?

-Can you get these books back to the library? Im in a bit of a hurry...

-Alright. Anything else?

-No. Alright, see you tomorrow!

She dashed off... That's a first.

The library is pretty far, though. I can see why she wouldn't really bother with these.

-Excuse me.

I sat down, without looking at the person in front of me and checked the notes on the last page to see which bookshelf these all go on.

As i wrote Koharu's name and the date they were returned here, i slowly put them all on the bookshelf, and picked my bag back up.

-Excuse me, you. Can you pass me the book you just put on the top shelf?

-Sure.

I replied in automatic mode, before realizing who was the girl that just called out to me...

-Thank you...

As i handed her over the book she just asked me for, our eyes met and i instantly felt a chill go through my whole body.

-Oh, its you. I didn't think i'd get to see you again in a library out of all places, Akane.

-I wouldn't come here out of my own will at this time, you know...

Minami looked at me with a unusual stoic expression that i didn't remember from her at all.

I want to leave, but...

"Don't give up on people so easily"

Alright, its fine...

I put down my bag, and sat in front of the girl, with a distance that didn't feel like it was there between us.

-Studying early for exams?

-Mhm. I don't need my grades anymore, but... it feels awkward not to do this.

-You're weird.

-I don't want to hear it from the genius girl.

-I don't want to hear it from the one with full marks on everything.

Minami clicked her tongue and went back to her book, as she was constantly taking notes of her own.

About 15 minutes passed, and she finally stood up and closed her notebook.

She tried to put the book she was reading back on the top shelf, but she wasn't able to reach it.

I started laughing at seeing this, as she turned around to look at me with a disgusted look on her face.

-I get it, im sorry...

As i took the book from her hand and placed it back.

-Im leaving now, so are we done here?

-Eh? I mean, yeah but...

-But?

I just have to say something... why is she being so upfront out of nowhere?

-Want to walk home together?

Minami asked before i could say anything.

-Ah, um.. alright...

Why do i always keep panicking at the most important moments...

I picked up my things and walked behind Minami, unusually flustered by her boldness..

Now, the next step... actually getting to say something to each other.

It really feels like she's walking with 6 walls around her, i feel awkward just looking at her.

-Akane, didn't you say you hated me?

Ugh, straight to the point... Why is she suddenly acting like i did most of the time?!

-Yeah. Although i don't feel like that anymore.

-I don't believe you.

As i took a deep breath, i figured this is about the only chance i had to at least make a starting point.

-I don't either, really. But, i think i was wrong when i told you that, a few months ago... and back then.

-You didn't make a mistake, really... it was my fault.

As she started walking faster, i could feel the hesitation on her voice... and i felt like she was trying to run away.

Im sure of it now, of what she's feeling.

-It was. But it was also my fault. Im sorry for making you hold onto the guilt ever since then.

-No... stop talking nonsense, Akane.

-Im not. While i was, and still am a bit upset at you... the bullying wasn't your fault, and even if you did try to help me, i would have made things worse. So forget about it.

-I can't.

Yeah, i figured.

-You're just making things harder for me, Akane...

-I know. But at the very least, i want you to know, that nothing that happened back then matters now. Im okay, Minami. Everything's fine, and i will continue to be okay. You aren't guilty of ruining my life, so there's no need for you to hold those feelings anymore.

Even if im not completely sure about that... i think those are the words she needs to hear more than nothing right now.

Minami took a deep breath and stopped in place before we arrived at the train station.

-That's going to be hard, you know?

-Yeah. Im being hypocritical, but im still asking the same thing out of you. This time, it's not only because of resentment... It's because i don't want you to keep carrying that burden and i dont want to keep hurting you.

And, she finally smiled, relieved.

-Thank you.. Akane. I can't say i can move past it instantly, though.

-Well, take the time you need.

-Im glad you said it directly, though. I've known from watching you all along, but my heart refused to shake off the doubt, and the guilt until i heard it from you.

I was at a loss for words at what she said, cause i really couldn't believe she was watching me... at all?

-I think im a bit lost, what do you mean?

-Your voice feels a lot more strong than it used to do. Above everything, your eyes felt... distant. But when i heard you speak with Koharu-chan... you felt alive again. So i was glad, but at the same time it hurt a bit, cause i feel like i had no right to get close to you again. Specially when i couldn't believe that it was you, to begin with.

So she was watching me, even if it was from a distance... It feels weird.

-Ah... I can't do anything about that, though.. you've changed a little bit aswell, and i was too awkward to try to approach you...

Minami sat in silence nodding to herself before looking back at me.

-Yeah. It feels weird, looking up at you. Its only been about a year, or maybe even more yet you've grown quite a bit taller than me. Not only that, but you feel way less cute than before. I get the feeling you're constantly tired about everything. It's weird.

Ahh, we've gone straight to calling me weird when i haven't even spoken to you at all in these months. Why?!

Well, that's just like her, though.

-Im going to go now, Akane. Thank you for coming out of your way to tell me this. Are you going to be fine, walking back?

-Don't worry. I live close by, so im fine.

-Alright. See you at school.

She waved goodbye at me with her hand, before turning around and walking into the train station.

"See you"... i tried saying, but the words didn't come out at all. I wasn't able to say anything else.

We didn't really get close to each other at all, but even from this distance, i could see Minami's relaxed and relieved smile again, after all this time.

I hope she can slowly come to terms with that guilt she's been holding this entire time, and i hope we're both okay from now on.

-Even if we're not as close anymore...

My whisper got lost in the air, as i noticed how gloomy i was being out of nowhere...

No. I'd be lying if i said "out of nowhere".

As i walked back home, i could see my reflection in one of the windows from a convenience store.

I laughed at myself as i looked at the girl that was reflected in there.

If you are fine with not being as close anymore... then what is the strained expression you're making, me?

I don't know at this point... we should both be moving on slowly from back then. yet, why do i feel so sad about this distance between us?

Even just her voice saying my name, feels way different, and further away.

We're both to blame, really. But... i shouldn't be feeling this way when she just found the first small hint of peace with herself.

Im confused... i hope i can find at least a hint of what are my true feelings about Minami.

I didn't know though, that the surprises were just going to start... as i opened up the door to my house, and i could hear two people chatting it up inside.

-Akane... welcome back!

-Took you long enough! How did it go, Kata-chan?

-Koharu, can you explain how did you end here, and before that.. mom, can you at least call me before you come visit me?!?