Postman Jester

A woman with long white hair clad in a crimson dress and heels grumbled as she entered Ryokoma. "Why am I even bothering with this," she muttered as she was greeted by Mimi.

"Hey, Helga, you here for a bite?" she smiled.

"More so to bring a message, but might as well snack on an appetizer," the woman sighed.

Helga Hepburn was a member of the Makihara faction and a former classmate of Rika and Masaru. She didn't get along well with Rika, but she had begun to get a little friendlier towards the Ryokoma staff, thanks largely in part to Mimi. Due to Helga bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mimi's old teammate and lover, Hylda, Mimi immediately began gravitating towards her. Helga didn't show much interest in Mimi until she proved herself in a cook-off by besting Suica "Sundae" Nichiyobi, a woman once regarded as one of the best  pâtissières in Japan. Since then, she had begun to getting close with Mimi.

As Helga sat down, she noticed Madoka eating her crepes. "That's a shit ton of crepes. Wait, is she a Ginkawa?"

"She's our very own crepe goddess," Mimi smiled.

"'Crepe goddess'?"

"Yeah, we gave her the title because she's the world's greatest crepe connoisseur and consumer," Rika grinned as she strolled up to the table.

"Great, I was hoping you wouldn't notice me," Helga growled.

"And all done! Well, I'm off to school. I'll be back tomorrow morning for some more crepes," Madoka smiled as she finished her crepes and paid the bill.

"That mountain was gone in seconds," Helga trembled.

As Madoka headed out, her path was blocked by an obese postman with a purple beard. Helga immediately went pale upon recognizing him. "H- He's the one that was with the cult," she trembled.

Before anyone could react, the postman suddenly grabbed Madoka, mummified her in tape and strapped her to a rocket that was sitting outside the restaurant.

"Buwahahaha! Bet you weren't expecting a rocket!" the postman laughed as he quickly lit the fuse sending Madoka blasting off into the sky. The rocket exploded about 15 seconds later.

"Buwahahaha! Never saw it coming! Time to get some victory crepes to spite her!" the postman laughed as he romped into the restaurant.

Rika immediately brandished her knife at him as rage consumed her face. "Don't you DARE set foot in here!"

"Rika? What was that noise!? And why are you brandishing a knife at that man!?" Masaru cried as he exited the kitchen.

"This piece of shit just killed Madoka," Rika tearfully seethed with fury.

Masaru froze in shock as the postman began to laugh. "Buwahahaha! That little brat is dead, now give me some of her favorite crepes so I can sock it to her! Oh, and I see that white-haired girl I tried to deliver to the naked mole rat cult. Guess I'll take her to go too."

Helga shrieked in terror as the postman quickly leapt towards her and mummified her in packing tape. Mimi immediately tried to attack the postman, but the postman evaded her with ease, and even managed to mummify her in packing tape as well.

Rika's anger suddenly began to get consumed by fear as she realized how strong the postman actually was. "Who the hell are you!?" she trembled as the postman vanished and appeared behind her in the doorway with the captured Mimi and Helga in tow.

"WHO AM I!? Wait! You don't know!? Oi ninjas! It's themesong time!" the postman shouted as he threw Mimi and Helga to the ground.

A group of ninjas then suddenly appeared and began playing a song with their instruments.

The postman than leapt onto the stage in the middle of the restaurant and begun singing.

"In rain, sun, sleet, snow fire, flood, or hail, I'm gonna steal all of your motherf****** mail! I don't give a f*** if you can't pay your bills, hell I want you to suffer, cause I'm the motherf****** Jester. YO YOI! I am the greatest criminal from the depths of Edo. The great daimyo of organized crime. Everyone fears my name! For every atrocity, I have attained! Murder! Kidnapping! Drug Smuggling! None can match my Might! Theft! Assault! War Crimes! All now fear my wrath! With my evil ninjitsu I will conquer all that’s good. They say Jesters are the fools, WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW DUMBASS! Lalalalalala! Jester-sama is the evil, dastardly, wicked, inhumane, dark ninjutsu daimyo! Oh oh oh oh! Yooooooo!”

Everyone cringed in disgust as Jester finished and ripped off his postman disguise. He now looked more like a daimyo, and wore a flashy green hakama along with his trademark pointy red shoes. Jester than leapt back to the entrance as his ninjas held Mimi and Helga hostage.

"Rika, you may kill him," Masaru glared.

"With pleasure," Rika glared as she prepared to unleash an attack, but stopped and suddenly began smirking. "Nope, seems like I'm not getting the hit," Rika thought as Jester suddenly got kicked in the crotch from behind.

Jester grimaced in pain and fell to the ground as Madoka stood proudly behind him. "Nearly got me, but I was able to escape that sloppy tape with ease. Now time for some payback!" Madoka snickered as Rika used the opportunity to catch the ninjas off guard and free Helga and Mimi.

Madoka then ran to an approaching black limousine and hopped inside it as Harumi stepped out of it. holding a rocket launcher. "This is for strapping my daughter to a missile," she glared as she fired, sending Jester and his ninjas blasting off into the sky.

"F*** YOU MADOKA!" Jester cried as he and his ninjas blasted off into the distance.

"Good riddance to that creep. But he got blasted off before by a bunch of dynamite and survived," Helga groaned as she stumbled back into the restaurant.

"Sorry about getting caught," Mimi said.

"I'm just glad that bastard didn't kill you. Even I might not have been able to beat him," Rika sighed.

"Oh, that guy's easy to deal with. I've been escaping from his deathtraps for years now," Madoka smiled.

"Huh?"

"Ah, perhaps I should enlighten you all. Madoka's actually quite gifted at escapology. Even though she's constantly kidnapped, she can effortlessly escape," Harumi explained.

"But she was still tied up when I saved her last night."

"I was about to escape when you arrived," Madoka pouted.

"Anyway, just be aware that if she gets kidnapped, she'll escape. As for the clown-"

"I actually remembered who that bastard was after he sang his cringy themesong and shed his disguise," Rika groaned.

"Just who is he?" Masaru asked.

"Jester: I.L.U.'s greatest embarrassment. Well, he's a complete joke, but he is dangerous."

"That bastard better not be heading for my place," Helga growled as she sat back down.

"Don't worry, hitting him with a missile usually takes him out for a few days or so," Harumi smiled as she got back in the limousine.

Mimi then came running out with a to-go box and handed it to Harumi. "Here's your kringle you ordered," she smiled.

"Why many thanks for the meal. I also have your new I.D. card," Harumi smiled as she pulled a card out of her purse.

"Wow, that was fast."

"Once we got approval, we had the card made on the spot."

"Thanks."

"Just make sure to discard the old one so you don't get in trouble. Well, I'll see you all again tomorrow for the big dinner."