Words

After finales are over, and my blue nail polish has chipped away I paint them red. After month of filming I buy that apartment. After a month of living there I invite Alex to come live with me.

“Cereal.” He announces. I raise an eyebrow. “Hey, no one ever taught me how to cook.” I eat the cereal.

“Did you see the magazine?” I shake my head. “Look they’re calling us Starlet Sweet Hearts.” I nod. Sometimes I wonder if we’re two similar. We seem to clash a lot. And they’re a hollowness to our relationship. Like he cares more about seeming like the best couple than being the best couple. And there are little things too. He seemed upset I beat him in that in that film star popularity contest last week. Still it could be my imagination. I still like him. I want to make things work.

“I’m going out with Jude.” I say.

“I don’t like how much time you spend with those friends of yours.” He says. Something tugs at the back of mind. I push it aside for now. No, no observing, overthinking, or scheming if I can help it.

“I’ll pick you up a smoothie from that place you like.” I say. Knowing he’ll let me go if I say that. He looks disgruntled. I want to feel bad knowing what I’m doing, but I don’t know what else to do when he gets like this. We go shopping, then to the spa, then to catch a movie. She texts Beck so he knows she’s safe. I text Alex so he knows I’m going to be out later than expected. Ads play on the skyscrapers. We sit in my car. I made sure to get his smoothie last so it doesn’t melt.

“How’s you and Beck.” I say.

“I think we’re too similar.” She’s says finally. “I think we might be better off as friends.”

“Oh.” I say. As a sudden rush of feelings come forward. “I’m sorry.” She shrugs.

“We’re just the sort of people who would get along after a break up. We’re both far too passive to make a big deal out of it. What about you, and Alex?”

“I’m going to break things off with him.” Once I say it, I’m certain it’s true. Maybe I was always planning on doing that. Things had gotten more weird between us as time went on, and I wasn’t going to be able to stand it much longer. Besides the way I felt about him wasn’t the way I felt when I had thought about Beck. Did I ever really love him? I really thought I did but now. No maybe I liked him as a friend at the beginning, but I didn’t love him. I felt a little bad it took me so long to see it. I was such an emotional person that sorting out my feelings could be hard for me. I drop off Jude first.

“Call me.” She says, and I nod. I turn back on my phone after the movie. Message after message. He’s never done this before. I read one. Then another. Oh heck no. It’s just him demanding I tell him we’re I am. We are not doing this. I should have seen his red flags a mile away. Maybe I’ve been playing the naïve character too long. About time he gets a taste of the real me. I’m going to kick him the heck out. It’s like this last month is finally in perfect clarity. I swing open the door.

“We’re have you been?”

“I turned my phone off during the movie. I texted you I was going to so I don’t see why you’re so mad about.”

“I was worried about you.”

“Really because of my choice in company aka not you, and your friends. Or because I wasn’t telling you were I was. Oh I know because I left the house with out you at all.” He looks studded a moment. I have never shown him this side of myself yet. I tried so hard to be something I was not. Time to match his energy. He looks mad.

“You think you can speak to me that way?!” I’m about to make some snappy come back when his hand comes down on me. Twice. I stand there shocked, but before he can hit me a third time I punch him in the nose. He stubbles back like he’s surprised I fought back. He’s never laid a hand on me before. Luckily I keep fighting fit in case I need to fit a role. He looks pissed now. He goes to hit me, or maybe to scream again. Then he notices were my make-up smeared were he hit me. The Word Manipulator must be deep red on my face. I see the wheels turning in his head. Suddenly he looks afraid of me. He’s afraid of me. That should feel more comforting than it is. Then I realize what he did. A Manipulative person I imagine, can’t be easily controlled. He stubbles away from me towards the door.

“And don’t come back.” I say. Wondering if he’d risk my wrath by telling people about me. Unlike him if I ever did hurt him it was never on purpose, and never like that. I may be flawed, but I’ve never abused someone I claimed to love before. But if he try’s anything like that again I show him what I’m really capable of. I feel sick with fear, and have to sit down. Jude calls, and I ignore it. I fix my make up.