Chapter 01

“So, after what point is it okay for a guy to invite you to a hotel?” I asked that to my friend Chris while we were idling about in our familiar place in the college cafeteria.

Her reply was to glare daggers at me, but eventually she sneeringly answered, “At least invite me to coffee first before asking me that.”

“Okay, how about you and I go to that new cafe after class?”

Without skipping a beat, she replied as she adjusted her eyeglasses, “I'm sorry but you're not my type.”

Firmly. Unhesitatingly. Cooly. I was rejected.

I couldn't help but hang my head and voice out, “Ouch”.

After taking a moment to recover, I continued with the conversation.

“So, after what point is it okay for a guy to invite you to a hotel?” I asked again.

This time, it was Chris’ turn to hang her head. She then answered in a hushed angry tone, “Why would you ask me that again?”

“Well, you said to ask you that after inviting you to coffee, which I did.”

“Take a hint, will you? I am not going with you to a hotel!”

“Huh? But I'm not inviting you to go to one?” I responded, genuinely confused.

“Why else would you ask me that then?”

“For reference. You know Marie from that one class? I have a date with her this weekend and I was wondering when to take the relationship to the… are you alright?”

I had to cut what I had to say short because Chris started covering her face, shivering, and her ears visibly red.

“For crying out loud, tell me if you're asking for advice first!” She rebuked me as her glasses fogged. “It’s so damn misleading when you spring that question onto me so suddenly!”

“A-alright, my bad”, I replied. “But as I was saying…”

“Don’t”, Chris immediately answered without letting me finish. “You're only on your first date and you're already thinking about getting laid? How about getting the girl to like you first?”

“That’s the thing though. She already likes me.”

“Liar”, Chris swiftly retorted.

“It’s true”, I asserted. “She’s the one who asked me out saying we were destined to be together because of the alignment of the stars and the zodiacs and stuff.”

“You mean astrology?” She asked with a disapproving look.

“Yeah, that's what she called it, I think. What's that stare for?”

Chris didn't seem angry, but she was furrowing her brows as she looked at me.

“If you’re weaseling your way out of sexually harassing me through a lie, I’m going to ignore you for as long as you live”, she said.

“I'm sorry about the question, but I'm telling the truth!” I responded, genuinely exasperated at both not being believed at and at her threat.

Her expression then changed to a wry smile. Her eyes looked as if she realized something.

“Oh, I get it”, she said mockingly. “Is this going to be the topic of your next video - imaginary girlfriends?”

“I told you, the last one was real!”

After that, I was just futilely telling Chris everything I had been saying was factual. Although, I realize why she doesn’t is partly my fault to begin with so I tend not to force the issue with her.

The first video I ever uploaded to the internet that went viral was footage of a chupacabra that I recorded. But, admittedly, it was a hoax I perpetrated to gain some attention on the internet. What I caught on video was a scary-looking dog that I passed off as a chupacabra. Chris knew that as a fact because she was the one I asked to help edit, dub and publish the video.

After that, I had another video. This time, of a genuine alien lifeform, which I actually went up close with and risked my life to capture on film. But, she dismissed it as fake because I had already given her the impression that I’m an internet fraudster.

Why she wouldn’t believe I have a date with a girl, however, is beyond me.

As I was pondering this on my way home from college, a blinding light shone over me. The next thing I knew, I was in a bright white room by myself.

I was calm the entire time, though. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me.

I knew full well I had just been abducted by aliens.

However, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit nervous until the door opened as I was not one hundred percent sure if the aliens that just abducted me were the ones I’m acquainted with.

In comes a person donning a gold-colored space suit complete with the helmet. This humanoid being from beyond the solar system, standing a head smaller than me, approached me and said, “Greetings… Earthling.”

Their voice wasn’t too high to be a girl’s, and wasn’t too low to be a guy's, but it’s a sound that I’m familiar with. Thankfully, I recognize this person.

Although, that conversation was short as this golden-suited person immediately blasted my clothes off with a laser gun, pressed a button to enclose me to a glass tube, had me submerge in some form of liquid and spin me like a dirty sock in a washing machine.

The next thing I knew, I was in a rowdy bar full of alien beings located in some asteroid in the middle of nowhere. I wasn’t sure if it was a famous out-of-the-way tavern, or some form of a space truck stop, but it seemed like it was the only establishment in its cluster and the only planet visible to the naked eye was as small as a hole in a needle, which I assume makes it significantly far away.

Since it was crowded, Goldy, his crew and I had to settle on a small square table that’s typically for two people.

To my left sat a tall lanky man wearing a green tank top who stood two meters tall and had long slender limbs, which counted for most of his height as his torso only comprised a quarter of it. His face was flat and the only features are his two red eyes, which are unusually glowing.

I was wondering if he was drunk on the atmosphere since he wasn't drinking anything, especially since he doesn’t have a mouth.

Anyway, I call him Tank Top.

To my right side is a lion-like tall and muscular humanoid creature complete with feline-like features and a reddish brown mane. Despite what I know as an earthling, this person is female and will get touchy if you mistake her gender. The muscles bulging out of her space suit will make sure you won’t make that mistake twice.

She had a bottle of what looks like beer in front of her, but she’s only taken a few sips before falling silent. I was wondering if she was a lightweight despite her appearances.

Anyway, her name is Streillaeth.

Facing me is the least human-like of Goldy’s crew, a giant pillbug creature wearing a lime green apron. This alien person is a girl, too. She was busy trying to gain a waiter’s attention to order more hard liquor despite the half dozen bottles she’s already downed laying on the table in front of her. Seemingly, she had a huge liking for alcohol.

Anyway, I just call her the Pillbug Lady.

On the fourth corner, on my side of that small table, I was squeezing in with Goldy, the captain of the crew, who sat to my right. We were the only two small enough to not need a full side, so it was us sharing it.

Not with one seat, thankfully. That would be too cramped.

Goldy was having what looks like piňa colada. It was served on a bell-shaped glass and there were even fruits attached to the rim. They were sipping it through a bendy straw going through the slit on their helmet. Somehow you’d expect they had a taste for hard liquor instead of a cocktail considering their position.

After going through two-thirds of it in one breath, Goldy turned to me and said, “We need… your help.”

This person talks with random pauses in their speech, which is a little off-putting, but I got used to it from the last time we met.

But for Goldy’s plea, I had to tell them, “I’m sorry, but you have to ask somebody else.”

I didn’t need to ask what kind of help they wanted from me. I already had an idea on what it is when I saw this space suit figure earlier.

The reason why I was able to get a video of an alien lifeform was because Goldy and his crew shanghaied me to their spaceship, took me to a faraway planet, and then film said creature. My guess is this new request would be something similar. And I came close to death multiple times in that misadventure, so I promised myself I would refuse if they did it again.

“We can… pay you… in Earth currency… this time”, they countered.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not interested no matter how much you pay me.”

“For this job… we can… offer you… one hundred… million…”

My ears perked up at the figure mentioned. I mean, I was determined to refuse them, but, if the amount was big enough, I might just waver despite the risks.

Goldy produced a piece of paper from a small pack attached to their belt. He then showed it to me and continued, “...Of these.”

I couldn’t help but slap my face with my palm.

The piece of paper certainly looked like money, but it had the letter ‘M’ with two dashes on it. It was play money; a toy imitation.

“That’s not real money!” I shouted at Goldy.

“So… you still… refuse?” They sounded like they didn’t get why I reacted the way I did.

“Yes, I still refuse!”

Goldy paused for a moment to think. They then said, “I can… add… a bonus…”

“Even with the bonus, I still refuse,” I swiftly rejected the proposal.

I was ninety-nine percent sure that the bonus was something I would not like. I didn't even want to think about what it is, let alone hear it.

“So, take me back home please”, I continued.

Well, that’s a problem, Tank top said telepathically. His kind had that sort of ability so they could communicate since they had no mouths. We can’t take you back to Earth right now.

“For Pete’s sake, how about asking me first before shanghaiing me to some faraway part of the universe?” I couldn’t help but react. “You guys know I’m not going to do it if I’m not willing!”

“I told you he’s not going to be of any help!” Streillaeth, coming alive, declared with her voice raised. “Let’s just leave him now, we’re wasting time!”

“Well, settle down for now”, the Pillbug Lady said to her. “There’s still time until our contact arrives.”

“If you guys have time to wait for someone, then you also have time to think about how to get me home right now”, I said while I firmly placed my alien alcoholic beverage on the table to show I was standing my ground.

Metaphorically, at least.

The drink, after a few sips, caused me to need to relieve myself badly so I excused myself to the bathroom.

As it was an alien establishment, I wasn’t expecting it to have toilets, and it certainly didn’t. On one side, there were a handful of large circles on the ground. I wasn’t sure what function they served. Opposite it lay a small tube with its top cut upon and a flowing stream of water, which I assume is where I should go as I see a few aliens excreting liquid to it, so I went there.

As I did my business, I was thinking about the upcoming date I was going to have with Marie, and told my junior, “I wouldn’t wanna make you miss any potential action by chasing some alien creature instead.”

After I said that, one of the patrons bumped me sideways.

But, before I could protest in anger, he bolted out of the bathroom. All I could see was his brown fat tail with dark brown spines running through to the tip.

I also noticed there was something stolen from me.

I immediately ran out of the bathroom. Scanning through the bar, I spotted only one person running towards the exit. “Stop! Thief!” I shouted as I chased after him.

I screamed the same two words pleading for someone in the crowd to stop the thief or at least slow him down, but he was able to get out of the bar unchallenged.

Luckily, I noticed he was only half my size and had short legs. And that I was a faster runner than him. I was able to catch up to the thief in the parking lot.

Unfortunately for me, he knew exactly what to do when I caught up. When I grabbed his shoulder, he immediately threw a punch at my gut, taking the wind out of me and making me drop to my knees.

His spacecraft was also already nearby so he jumped into it to make his getaway. As he flew away, I noticed Goldy and his crew were following from behind me.

“What happened?” The Pillbug Lady, who was first at my side, asked me. “We just saw you suddenly chasing after someone.”

“I just got robbed”, I replied.

“What was stolen from you?” she asked as the others arrived.

“My…” I hesitated to answer. I was embarrassed at what it was.

“What was stolen?!” Streillaeth impatiently asked.

“The thing in between my legs!” I replied, raising my voice.

“That ship…” Goldy chimed in calmly. “It is… owned by… an infamous… outlaw.”

“What has that got to do with anything?!” I agitatedly asked him.

“He mostly… deals… with poaching”, Goldy said. “Incidentally… he sells… what he catches… in the black… market."

"And?" I asked, getting impatient with the pauses.

"And that is... what we... want… your help… with”, the person clad in a gold space suit said.