Natsuzora Cider

*buzz buzz* message from Hanako

"Let's meet at the usual place at 7, I have amazing news."

I don't know if I could be there, I'm too busy dealing with myself, I keep trying to pick up the guitar again, but I can barely play anything on guitar anymore, I can't even play my own song properly. I don't know, my hand just shakes every time I play this guitar, it feels like I lost my ability to play guitar.

I know it's fine to just make whatever song you like, but I want Natsuzora Cider to grow, I can't just selfishly make whatever I want and then ruin our career. I don't want to bring other people into the hole that I am stuck in right now, because I just want to make something different.

I talked to the others about this, and they say that I can make whatever I want, but it's just made me feel guilty for holding us back with my selfish behavior.

And I'm not talking like theoretically, because the results are already there. Since I moved away from my usual songs, our releases have been not very popular, like much worse than usual.

I can't bring myself to talk about this with them anymore, because it's my fault that I wrote songs like these, and I have to solve it myself. I have to write normally again.

In the recent songs, we barely sound like ourselves, I use a lot of vocoders, synths, and all kinds of electronics and software in the music, it doesn't sound anything like us.

Honestly, sometimes it's borderline unlistenable with the amount of things in these songs, it's chaos, that I for some reason thought that it's good enough to upload at least when I'm done making it.

I think it's just my state of mind right now, that makes me write the songs I wrote, there's so much that happened to me that it's all chaos inside of my head and I can't feel anything anymore. I am just rambling nonsense right now, I'll go to sleep and hopefully, I wake up just in time for the meet.

I wake up, it's dark here, and my body feels like it just got crushed by a massive boulder, I should exercise more.

I checked my phone, it's almost 7, I'm late. Whatever, I'll take my time walking there, it's not like it's very important anyway.

I arrived at the café at almost 8, seems like they waited for a while, I could see stacks of plates and lots of empty glasses on the table, and also their grumpy faces.

"I'm sorry." Me apologizing.

"Are you okay?" says Olivia concerned.

"I just overslept." I tried to put a fake smile but I think I failed miserably.

I sit down on the side of Olivia, and ask Hanako, "What's the news?"

"A college invited us to play at their festival next month, they want us to play our biggest 'hits'."

"Why?"

"I guess we're starting to catch people's attention?"

I look down, "I don't know if I could play in front of a crowd in this state, especially those 'hits'." My hands are shaking, I'm not even holding my guitar, "I can't play guitar anymore." I try to calm down my hand but it keeps shaking, "I'm sorry, for being such a failure."

"We can play with backing so-"

I raise my head, "No. That's the same as lying to those people who took their time to see us." I lower my head again, "I'm sorry."

Olivia grabs my head and forces me to look at her eye to eye, "Then play whatever you want! You're not the type to follow rules anyway!" Shouts Olivia at me.

"I don't want to put you guys in trouble just because some worthless like me has a skill issue."

Olivia raised her eyebrows, and pulled my face to an uncomfortable distance with her face, "Listen to me you idiot, If it weren't because of you, I wouldn't be here doing what I like with my friends! I'd be standing in front of a blackboard having a headache trying to teach English to dumb kids!" Then she pulls me closer somehow, "So you're not worthless, I'll follow you." She released me, "Come on, we've been through this 3 years ago, you don't have to beat yourself up this much again."

She's right, I already experienced this thing, I need to get back on my feet again. Back then I didn't have anyone to save me, now I have these people around me who will support me if I ever fall down again.

"Honestly, I thought this would happen much earlier, but it took way longer than expected," Hanako said while laughing at me and Olivia.

"What?" I'm confused with what she said.

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry for being such a burden these past few months."

Olivia pinches my cheeks, "STOP APOLOGIZING!!, I think you're just hungry, go order something, you haven't got dinner right??"

Oh, I forgot to order food, I'll get the fried rice and apple juice.

I look at their faces once again, "Thank you for bringing me back, but I don't think I can play guitar at least in the near future. I think there is still some trauma from myself that made me can't play the guitar."

"I can sort that out, so I assume you're okay with the show now?" Hanako says.

I nodded. "Oh, one question, do you know what the lineup is?"

"Nope, they haven't confirmed it yet, they will announce the lineup about two weeks before the festival, I'll let you know."

"Thanks."

"Well I guess that's it, the meeting is over, let's go home."

"Hey, I haven't eaten my order yet, wait for me!"

They laugh again, it's been a while since I've seen them laughing like that. I'm starting to return to my own self again, the Ruru that is not beating herself down over and over again.

We're going home, Akari and Hanako went to the station to take the train, while Olivia and I walked home together.

"Ruru, you might not know this, but you're also important to them. Your music helped them to escape from their problems, your music is like a sanctuary of some sort to all of us." Said Olivia out of nowhere while looking at the sky, "You've helped a lot of people with your music, so never think that you're worthless, you're worth much more than you think." She puts her hand on my head and then shakes it.

"Aww! Stop!" I yell, as I try to push her hand away, "I don't think I will ever get to this point if it isn't because of you guys, so thank you."