Chapter 1:

Refreshing Morning

23 year-old's summer vacation


Am I even in control of myself anymore?
Where was that spark?
Where was that shine?
I am withering by the minutes

I can't hear anything
I can't see anything
I can't, I'm numb
I just stare blankly at everything
I can't do anything about it

I wish I could delete everything from my mind
But I will forget all the good things too
Life is not as simple as one and zero
I wish I could've written myself better

I don't know what would happen to me
I don't want to think about it
I don't think it will be good

I asked my cat, but she just stared at me
"Would you be with me when it all comes to an end?"
We just stared at each other
She thought that I was going insane
I don't blame her

I wish I could delete everything from my mind
But I'll lose all the good memories too
Life is not as simple as one and zero
I wish I could've written myself better

That was the song badly written, that I recorded just a little over a month ago, I think. My sound keeps going further and further away from what I usually write before everything is fucked up.

I am Ruru, 23 years old, vocalist and main songwriter of Natsuzora Cider, and I am lost, I don't have the motivation to keep going anymore, there is no progress in my life. There are certainly ups and downs, but with every little up, there is a massive down, so I always return to a lower place than I was before.

I don't know if it's someone else's fault or it's just the world hates me, actually I know, it's all of them combined, with a bigger emphasis on me. I can't make something that people want to hear, that people want to enjoy. I am incapable of making something that can lift people up, instead, I just write something depressing even by my standard, and sometimes even downright unlistenable.

I can definitely write songs that aren't just me trauma dumping, but that's all I can do, I can't write more "normal" songs, I feel numb. I have been in a constant state of depression for so long that I think it's just my normal state now. I can't feel sad, happy, angry, or anything like that, it's like everything has been taken away from me.

They took away my school life, then my father, my college life, and then they have the audacity to take my mother too. I haven't given anything yet to her, and they just took her away from me, I just can't do anything about it.

I still have friends, but I have a hard time just being around them anymore, I feel very drained when I spend time with them. Because of that, we have been spending very little time even just rehearsing, I just want to bury myself in my bed again like years ago. I haven't progressed past that stage at all.

I feel bad for my followers who keep supporting me even though I rarely release new songs or do livestreams these days. Even the livestreams are sometimes I feel like they're unwatchable because I talk very little and sometimes I just play whatever and don't care if it's absolutely horrible.

This home sounds so quiet nowadays, I can even hear my heartbeat sometimes. The only sound that is somewhat pleasant in this house is from my cat meowing, as needy as she can be, she's so caring about me, and her cuddles are very warm in this cold place.

What would happen to me if I were to lose my cat too? Am I going to sob for hours and consider ending everything, or am I going to be standing for hours in silence, seeing that the only tiny light in my life has been taken away?

It's hard to know, hopefully, it won't happen until I am in a better place to take the pain, though hope doesn't change anything.

Actually I also have Shinsei Kamattechan that keeps me hanging, their music keeps me going on with this life, and they are my main inspiration. As depressing as their songs are, there are still a tiny glitter of hope that they show, and it's beautiful.

I wish I could be on the same stage with them in the future, playing my songs and their songs, just imagining it alone gives me a little push to keep going, I want to be with them.

Well, I just talked my way to finally get up and do something.

I get up from my bed, and give a small pat to my cat, "Morning, Akari." I finally give my cat a name, she's my light and that's her name now. She just meows, asking for breakfast, she probably doesn't care. Wait, that's the name of our bassist, eh, if she ever asks about it, I'll just say it's a coincidence.

Well anyway, time to start this summer by doing an impromptu cooking livestream!

I put my laptop and my phone on the kitchen table, and then start the stream,

"Morning everyone, I found the will to wake up today, so let's suffer together today too!"

mykaDehr
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