The Voice Left Unheard

After a long walk, I made it back home. Nae was sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching an interview that Sunayomi had a couple of days ago. She tilted her head over with a cute smile, but when she saw my face, that smile disappeared.

"B-Brother...?" she squeaked.

Despite my messy condition, I forced a smile. "Ah. Hey, Nae."

"Are... Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Here."

I handed her a plastic bag of food that I picked up on the way home.

"It's all for you," I said. "Don't split the portions this time. I'm gonna wash up and go to sleep right after."

"Ah... O-okay..."

With nothing on my mind, I washed up, dried myself off, and threw myself onto my bed.

I feel bad for talking to Nae that way. She looked sad. I should get up and talk to her, but... my body refused to move. My eyes were closed. They felt so heavy, yet I wasn't asleep. I couldn't sleep, and after what happened today, I don't think I'll be able to.

The next day, I woke with a sore throat, every little itch making me want to cough.

I don’t want to get up. If I do, I’ll just want to collapse back down. This room, lit only by the moon, feels like the safest place for me. Warm but somehow cold at the same time. It keeps the bad stuff out but traps me with something worse—my own thoughts.

I checked the time to see that it was late afternoon. With as much willpower as I could possibly muster, I got up and went about my day like normal. However, it wasn't normal at all. Even with my headphones on, music blaring at max volume, it couldn't stop those haunting thoughts.

Manager Na always asked me about my future. He kept me around, but he didn’t want me to stay as a contractor forever. It was his way of making sure I was headed in the right direction.

Honestly, I haven’t thought about myself since I took Nae away from Mom. I’ve been focused solely on her, doing everything I could to keep her safe and happy. I wanted her to have a good childhood, not one filled with the sadness I remember. I don’t even know if she remembers it as clearly as I do.

Every time I look back, I still feel those old emotions—restless and burning, never quite going away.

"Don't blame Nae," I said, stone-cold and filled with unreserved anger as I faced Mom. "If you want someone to blame, then blame me. I'll take on everything that you want to forget, but don't you dare drag Nae into this when she's done nothing to you."

Those were the exact words I said to Mom after Dad left us. I still remember the face she made, the movement of her mouth when she was yelling at us, and my genuine feelings at that moment.

That day was the day that my life had ended. I wanted to leave. I wanted to forget everything that ever happened, but I couldn’t let Nae stay alone with that monster. I couldn’t...

Now, I'm here, slowly withering and deteriorating. Each day that passes, I think about what I'm gonna do, and every time, I feel less and less motivated to achieve it... until a point.

Eventually, I gave up. I stopped trying. I broke away from all those empty dreams and fantasies, focusing on the reality in front of me. Just like that, the world had lost its once bright and beautiful colors, filled with a monotonous gradience.

I stopped at a small playground just outside of the apartment complex. There, I saw the ghost of myself when I was just a child, laughing away without a care in the world.

Oftentimes, I ask myself... Am I happy with where I am? Am I really content with this life that I chose to live? And the answer was always the same.

"No."

I'm just a messed-up kid who can’t even interact normally with people. Little things that should be normal tire me out, and I try to avoid them whenever I can.

Why should I put myself out there, only to end up miserable again?

It’s always been like this. When I do something right, nobody notices. I could do it a thousand times, and people would still look the other way. But let something go wrong, and suddenly, everyone’s glaring at me. Even when it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t complain. I just took it all.

I’ve always been the one to take the blame, carrying the weight of every mistake as if that would somehow fix things.

I’ve been silent for so long that I don’t even know how to see myself without disgust. Every missed chance, every failed relationship, and every chance I had to make it right—gone, and it’s all on me.

I took the blame because it was easier than banking on the chance that maybe, just maybe, none of it was my fault.

I don’t want anyone to approach me. I don’t want them to talk to me or even look at me.

The people who kept trying despite my efforts to push them away, those who stayed even when I ignored them—they’re all a ticking time bomb just waiting for their chance to blow up.

People call me weird. They call me strange, paranoid, and they sometimes ask me why. Because every damn soul I made the mistake of letting in ended up breaking me in some way.

I just want to be left alone... because it’s better to be lonely than to risk getting hurt again.

"Big Bro?" A familiar voice called out to me.

For the first time today, my vision was clear. All the dark colors that made everything so gloomy were a little less noticeable. Standing right in front of me was Nae with a visibly distressed face.

"Ah... What's up, Nae?" I smiled.

"Don't give me that," she muttered. "Yesterday, you came home looking like a mess, and you barely said anything to me. Now, I find you taking a walk and looking as if you're lost. Are you... really okay?"

"Just something that happened at work. It's nothing you should be worried about. Really. I'm okay."

She didn't accept that answer. Instead, she walked over and reached up. Gently, she rested her hand on my head. Because she's way shorter than me, she had to reach up pretty high just to do it.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" she whispered.

"I know," I said.

"Then why don't you? We only have each other now, so shouldn't we look out for each other?"

I took her hand and held it tight.

That's right... Nae is still here. I can't believe I almost forgot it. I can't fall now. I don't have time to worry about myself.

Like she said, we don't have anyone to take care of us. Not anymore. It's just us now, but... I'm not willing to let Nae take on any of my burdens. Never.

But... Dammit... For some reason, I still wanna cry.