Epilogue I: I Have Always Been Nothing

TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, Physical violence, talk of suicide

“Kei? Are you alright?” Shiro waved his hand in Keiko’s face. “Helloooo?”

“S-sorry. Just thinking about what to make for lunch tomorrow.” She said.

“Well, I love everything you make!” The boy sat by her on the school bench, tossing another piece of pickled radish in his mouth.

“How about…hmm.. Breaded pork chops…and...potato salad?” she thought about how she’d season it. The breading won’t stay crispy, but if it was well seasoned, it wouldn’t matter so much.

“That sound delicious! I can’t wait to try it!” he said eagerly.

“So, where are we in the story? Have you thought about the ending yet?”

“I thought about it all last night!”

“You think we can finish before—”

“Matsuda!”

The children looked up at Keiko’s teacher barreling toward them.

“Keiko, dear, please come with me. Quickly now.”

The girl was pulled away from her best friend and escorted to the school’s office, where her brother waited.

“Big brother… Shouldn’t you be getting ready for entrance exams?” Sosuke didn’t acknowledge the question.

“What’s going on?”

“Dad’s been in an accident.” His voice cracked as he said it.

“Is…Papa ok?” she asked.

“No…Let’s go.” Sosuke took the girl’s hand and led her out the door. She looked back and saw Shiro watching them leave. She felt a wave of nausea as she prepared to see her father.

Her tears rolled down her cheek when she looked back at her friend, who was fading further in the distance.

When they arrived home, there were a few cars parked out front. Sosuke parked in the street and called for Keiko to follow him. They made their way to the front door. Before they could enter, a man in a black suit come out of the doorway. Two other people she had never seen followed behind.

Keiko watched as the man and his two partners enter a long black car. Inside she could see a little girl, about her age, with strawberry blond hard. They made eye-contact for a few seconds before the girl looked down at her lap.

“Come inside.” Her mother called for them, as Keiko watching the cars drive away.

Sosuke sat on the couch and Doris paced the living room as the two waited for news.

Her hair was disheveled, and her eyes were red and puffy. Keiko looked at Sosuke, but his expression was blank. He stared in front of him. Never once looking at her or their mother.

“M-momma?” Keiko called to her. “Did…something happen?”

Doris fell to the ground, burying her face in her hand.

“Momma?” Keiko stared at the woman she always knew as her funny, sarcastic, quick-witted mother.

Keiko inched closer to her. “Mom—“

SLAP!

“Don’t you know when to shut up?” She snapped, slapping her so hard, her dragonfly hair pin flew off her hair and onto the floor.

Keiko yelled out in pain. She rubbed her face as she cried loudly.

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Her mother yelled, grabbing her by her shoulders and shaking her.Keiko looked to Sosuke for help. He didn’t move from the sofa. His eyes fixed on the caramel rug below his feet.

“Papa? Where’s papa? I want Papa!?” Keiko yelled, trying to break free of her deranged mother’s grasp.

“He’s dead, you idiot!”

The room went quiet. The contents of her stomach came up and spilled all over the living room floor.

“He’s…he’s dead… okay.” Doris repeated, this time through tears.

The three stayed that way for the rest of the night.

At some point. Keiko had curled herself in a ball and fell asleep on the cold hard ground.

* * *

She woke up on the dirty floor of the one-bedroom apartment she shared with her mother in Spain. After father died, mother cried every day. She stopped working and soon Sosuke had to take over the bills. He and mom fought a lot and eventually, Sosuke sent mother to live with Aunty Rosa in Spain.

Auntie Rosa was nice, but she had a job and a family of her own. She helped them find a place to live, but she could stay with them. Occasionally she’d help buy them food and help Keiko with the cleaning.

Mother didn’t like it when they interfered…

It’s been a year since they moved here. a year since she’d heard from her best friend. Keiko sent letters to Sosuke, telling him about how violent their mother had become. Begging him to take her back. She never got a reply. Not from him. Or Shiro, who had been her best friend. She couldn’t blame him though, he didn’t know how to reach her. She was sure Sosuke didn’t tell him either.

The loud beeping of the microwave brought her back down to reality. She pulled the cup from inside and placed it on the table. She didn’t even wince when the scalding liquid fell on her hand. She’d gotten so used to the pain. This was nothing.

Keiko pulled a small red container from under the sink and stood over the two cups of instant noodles with poison in hand. She would do it this time. She would kill momma, then herself. Then she would be free of this. They wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore.

Her tiny hands shook, her eyes watered, her breath was heavy.

Why…

Why did it have to come to this?

Keiko couldn’t see past her tears.

Her arms were sore from the beating she’d taken earlier. Keiko tried to surprise her mother with breakfast to cheer her up. She’d been locked in her room watching rom-coms all day.

But when she gave her the tray, mother just launched it across the room. Shattered the plates and the vase holding the single rose she’d added. She didn’t like any of the meals Keiko tried to make for her.

Ring, ring

The phone rang, and Keiko put the rat poison back in the cupboard. She couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to hurt mother. She just wanted to numb the pain. For mother and herself.

“Sosuke, it’s so good to hear your voice, son.” Her mother sounded tired on the phone, but it was the happiest she’d sounded in months.

Keiko placed the now lukewarm soup on the table. She sipped her share, trying to hold the liquid down. She had grown so sick of instant noodles, the smell alone could make her vomit. But mother banned her from cooking again. And she was so hungry.

“You have to go so soon? But we have so much to talk ab—“

“That’s fine, you don’t need to—”

“I understand.”

Doris set the phone down in front of her and stomped back to her room, slamming the door behind her. She could hear her sobbing from the kitchen.

“H-hello?” her voice sounded raspy. She hadn’t spoken in months. She almost forgot how to use it.

“Wow, you sound like crap.”

Keiko didn’t respond to the comment. She’d heard worse insults thrown at her day after day. She’d grown accustomed to it.

“I have your little friend’s address for you. Koko chewed my head off about you not contacting her brother. I guess he’s been upset about it. So write it down quickly because I’m not repeating it a second time.”

Keiko could feel her entire body shaking. She ran to her school bag and grabbed a pen and some paper. Sosuke started before she could start writing, but she repeated the address in her head over and over until she could get it on paper.

“Alright. So how’s mom doing? Are you guys all settled in over there?”

Keiko didn’t know how to respond to the question. She wasn’t sure if the truth really mattered to him.

“Yes.” It was barely a whisper.

“I got to go.”

She kept the phone to her ear long after he’d hung up.

“Please…” she fell to the floor and cried quietly into the speaker.

“Please let me go back home.”

“Let me go home please…” she repeated the words, willing it to come true.

“Take me home…” she cried into the receiver.

She cried silently to herself until the automated message sounded on the other end of the phone.

“What are you whining about?”

Mother snatched the phone from her hand. Keiko stared at the ground, already knowing what was coming next.

SLAP!

The girl hit the ground with the force of the blow.

“This is your fault! It’s your fault we were sent here!”

Her mother took her anger out on the little girl’s body until it was sore all over.When she had run out of steam, Doris walked over to the kitchen counter, tossing the noodles onto the ground.

“Clean this mess up.” She said, curling her lip in disgust as she slammed her room door behind her.

After the mess was taken care of, Keiko went about her afternoon chores. She kept as quiet as possible, hoping mother would stay in her room for the rest of the day. There weren’t many places she could go in the tiny apartment.

 * * *

At night, Keiko cracked the room door open to check on mother. She was asleep at last.

Now that it was safe. Keiko pulled some paper and a pencil from her school bag. She kept all her belongings in a pile in the corner of the room. Keiko didn’t have a room here. She didn’t have a space to herself. Her aunt had given her a computer since mother insisted she be home-schooled. Keiko was able to do her class work during mother’s naps.

Her hand shook as the led touched the lined paper.

“Dear Shiro…”

She wrote whatever came to mind. It’s been so long since she’d last spoken to him, she had so much to say. Soon the first sheet of paper was full of her writing, front and back. She ripped another sheet from her notebook and continued to write.

Fear crept in her mind.

What if he had already forgotten about her? What if he replaced her?Her writing became more frantic.

“I can’t wait to read your stories again! Don’t forget our promise! I haven’t forgotten. Don’t forget about me, you jerk!”

She added a doodle of her and Shiro shaking hands.

He can’t forget me. I won’t let him forget me.

She folded the letter and shoved it in her bookbag. She’d ask her aunt to send it for her. She’d do that for her. She had to.

Keiko cradles herself in a ball on the floor, repeating the words.