Admission

Adanita was staring at the cylindrical glass on the table, slowly circling around its rim with her finger. Looking at it from below, the light passing through the fancy little details made it seem as if it was a jewel. Across from her, Mislav was leaning against the wall with her feet up on the bench, about as focused on her drink as she was.

Deep in contemplation.

Neither of them were drunk, at least she didn't think so. She knew how she was when she was drunk, and this quiet peace certainly wasn't it. There'd be more dancing. And puking, probably. She didn't exactly engage in rampant boozing since her early twenties, when her duties started piling up along with increasingly stronger hangovers. This was just quiet dulling of her senses as both women grew sleepier. Mislav had a knack for finding quiet spots. The little storage room was far from the party and from any guests, equipped with a table, two benches, and several decently disordered shelves with various cleaning equipment. After they'd both changed into common clothes and removed their makeup, Adanita picked up her strongest liquor and followed her to the room.

They were drinking slowly, enjoying quiet chatting and neutral topics. She noticed a large set of keys on Mislav, who then showed her a key tattoo on her arm. It had no meaning to her, she simply liked them. Adanita raised her shirt to show her hers on the back.

Booze made Mislav talkative. No wonder she refused to drink on events, she could accidentally spill something important. The woman started an extensive presentation of her ship and its abilities, describing every detail of running it, how it took different weather and seas, how she sailed here all the way from Madol at breakneck speed. In turn, Adanita gave her a few tall tales of her exploits, including the one where they boarded and stole Vivienne.

She asked her about that sauce she got for Rosamund, but it was made far in the east. No wonder she never heard of it. There was hardly a way to set up a trade route for him, although she really wanted to. In return, she asked about the Cove, and the Codex, and the pirates who refused to follow it.

"They aren't welcome in my city. We've got standards, tho they're low I suppose. But if they can't clear a bar that low, the hells is th' point?"

She accepted it and the conversation turned to the Bretonian nobility. Mislav was full of outdated gossip, sadly, but at least they could take a chance to piss on the Duchess. She was rude and horrible and evil and terrifying, and she made an absolute fool of herself tonight. Adanita really wanted to kill her. That woman was the cause for assassins that came after Rosamund. Perhaps she should respond in kind... or maybe she shouldn't make drunken decisions. She was too old to play such foolish games.

After thoroughly trashing Dorotea and her actions, they fell into a comfortable silence. The glass was really shiny and Adanita wanted to steal it. Rosamund had similar ones in his office, she drank from one just yesterday. The night was winding down to a quiet end. The midnight was just around the corner, she assumed. And like in a fairy tale, the magic was wearing off. She was beautiful, wore fine clothes, turned heads at the ball, and she danced with her prince. It was time to say goodbye and return to normal life.

But she was still in love...

"I saw you spent the entire evening with Rosamund. Did you have fun?" Mislav asked.
"Aye, aye."
"He is a sweet man. And I think it's safe to say he likes you~"
"Hah... no. I shouldn't think like that."
"Giving up without trying? I didn't take you for the type."
"It's not that... You are right, I wouldn't normally. But I- I forced myself into his life enough."
"Forced? Bold of you to think he'd let you."
"I kidnapped him, remember?"
"Funny. The way I understood, you saved him from drowning."
"I took him completely off course," she continued. "He wouldn't be doing any of this were it not for me. He's risking his life. Reputation. Position. How could I ask for more?"
"Dunno. Sounds like an excuse."
"It is, aye."

An excuse not to look back at the real reason.

A terrifying, overwhelming, soulcrushing...


GUILT.


She sat up, downed her glass, poured more, and downed that too. Mislav watched in silence, slowly sipping her drink.

To hell with it all.

"I killed him once, you know?"

Mislav twitched, almost dropping her glass. She carefully set it down, changed her mind, downed it, and turned to face her.
"I'm gonna need you to explain that real slow."
"In a duel," she said. "The first time we met, I thought he'd just be another nobleman. Another prick who could only talk or insult, useless, weak... I didn't know anything. But when you see him for the first time, and his reaction to being saved is to ask for a fight... I was angry. I thought he's like the rest of 'em, or something. I don't even remember anymore. It was a duel to the pain, but I killed him and just left 'im there-" her voice cracked. Mislav poured her more booze as she gratefully held the glass for her. "I'm scum. An' now I've caught feelings for him? That. That is really pathetic."

Mislav stared at her with a frown and a face so deathly serious she'd never imagine it on her face before now. "Then what happened? He survived?"
"Oh, no. He was dead and gone. I lived for three more years. Died. And now I'm back here."
"How?"
"I don't- I don't know..." She was breaking now. She was crying her eyes out, or maybe she has been for a while. Her soul was owned by a devil, that porcelain monster remembered the past too, so she was after her again. There was so much happening all at once, and adding to that the stress of Rosamund's plan and the fact that she was in love with a man she murdered in cold blood- it was too much. Across from her, Mislav took the booze in her hand and carefully put it out of Adanita's reach. After a moment of consideration, she poured her a glass of juice they were using to improve the taste of alcohol and waited for her to calm down.

"Please tell me he is aware of this."
"Of course. Can't hide anything from him."
"Good. And you bloody shouldn't. Here, take your time and calm down."
She wiped her eyes with a handkerchief Mislav tossed her way.

"Are you angry?"
"Do you want me to be?" Mislav asked in return.

Adanita froze.

"Come now, Captain. I wasn't born yesterday. Bloody hell."
"What?"
"How many people can say they've truly earned forgiveness from someone they've wronged? Not a lot, I'd say, and I'd also say you clearly did. He obviously cares about you a lot and you simply can't deal with it, can you? Well I'm sorry, but I won't cooperate. If you want someone to hate you for something you feel bad about, you've come to the wrong person. Nitwit."

She... was that what she was doing?

Oh gods, it was. She was feeling horrible and she was looking for someone who would hate her just as much as she hated herself.

And that's just not fair.

She rested her face on the table. "I'm sorry," she mumbled quietly.
"Yeah, you should be. Treat yourself better. If people around you think you're a good woman, you probably are. Unless Rosamund thinks so. Then you definitely are. No doubts about it."
"I assume this will affect our future negotiations with you?"
"Were you two going to tell me about this?"
"...no," she honestly said.
"You've answered your own question, then. But don't worry. You are in a unique position of knowing future in advance. Rest assured I plan to use it shamelessly. I want a list of most profitable events and we can call this gaffe gone and forgotten. As for the Cove, we can discuss that when Rosamund is present."
"Hah..."

She felt strangely better. The pain was still there, but such an open rejection of her attempt to wallow in her guilt left her completely disarmed. The dull feeling wasn't fading, but at least it wasn't like a dagger in her back anymore. Out of reach, slowly bleeding her to death. Is this what Rosamund would call the first step towards healing? After all these months, this was what she needed? Not gentle concern, nor disgust. Just a neutral and open denial to take part in her tired heart's attempt to eat itself out. It was as if she opened her eyes for the first time. As if she was kicked awake from a long haze.

"Thank you," she quietly said.
"You're welcome." Mislav brought back the booze and poured her a drink before leaning back against the wall. "So? How'd you fall for him?"
"I don't know. Think it was gradual, cause I didn't even notice. And then one day, about a month ago, I turn around and see him in his nightwear, his hair a mess and his shirt buttoned wrong and... I want to wake up next to him..." Her hand wandered to her neck, where he gently attached the nacre collar pins to her. She should wear them more, he wore her gift constantly. But unlike him, she had much fewer clothes. The roses would stand out and she didn't know if he wanted them to. And people would notice. "Do you really think it's alright?"
"Well, he's the only one who can answer that. Right? If you love him, he loves you, neither of you minds the fact you offed him and all? Congratulations, you have a lover."
"What a horrible way to console someone."
"Forgive me, this is my first time in a situation like this. I'd still recommend you speak to him about it, though."
"I thought to leave once our project is complete. Not bother him more."
"Or bury it, and live with regret forever. Whichever works for you."
"He's in his office right now, you know?"
"Drinking alone? He does that, yeah."

Well that was somewhat sad, wasn't it? He was all alone when she could be there with him. He even invited her. She really wanted to come, but she also wanted to spend some time with a new friend. He wouldn't mind that, would he? Why was she such a mess over him, she should go and get him like she always did when she fancied someone. Maybe she should break into his room again. He seemed to like that. He seemed to like her, too, although she didn't want to admit it until now. It was like a sudden realization all over again, a confession to herself.

She was in love.

And maybe that was alright ♡

She stared down her new friend, an idea slowly sprouting in her intoxicated mind. A smile grew on her face, she was feeling like a cat that found a particularly interesting bug and was about to strike.

"Hey."
"Hm?"
"Let's go to him," Adanita said.

Mislav's face delightfully lit up.