I figure if my smell and wardrobe aren't exactly giving off "rich adventurer vibes," maybe flashing a little bling will get this guy to focus on what really matters—food. So, I whip out a handful of platinum coins and start waving them around like I'm flexing on Instagram. "Yo, sweet cheeks, check this out. I've got plenty of dough. Not here beggin', I promise."
But instead of being chill about it, Mustache Guy goes wide-eyed, like I just pulled out a weapon. Dude looks shook.
He's like, "Oh, uh, sorry 'bout that. I just assumed…"
And I'm like, "Yeah, I get it." Brushes off the dirt on my shoulder like I'm unbothered. "I don't exactly look like I just rolled out of a palace, do I?"
Fourth Wall Break Alert: "Lesson #5, squad: When you're out here lookin' like a swamp monster who accidentally flashed someone, people tend to assume you're either homeless or about to rob them. Life hack—flash cash, not skin. Trust me, it works better if you're trying to prove you're not a total weirdo."
So after what feels like a whole year of awkward vibes, Mustache Guy finally decides to cut me some slack. He's like, "Alright, alright. Just-a gimme a minute, capisce? You've had-a rough day."
And I'm standing there, dignity barely hanging on by a thread, but at least it's still there. I hit him with my best smile, like, "You're a lifesaver, my guy. But uh… maybe hurry up with that Takoyaki before I accidentally flash someone else."
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