The Heart of Fall, The End of it All

Chloeleaf

6 months ago

Hi. I did a little something today, and it got me thinking. Consider this a little update/announcement. TLDR I’m going on break.

Anyway, I was working on some repairs off stream when I went to check the time on my PC to set it for the fixed clock. Would have used my phone, but I try to keep it out of grasp. My monitor might not have quite as much crap on it as my phone does in terms of notifications but just looking at my stream schedule posted on the desktop fills me with a similar dread. Some mix of narcissistic nostalgia coerced me to browse through my photos and stuff. I fucking love you guys, and I love this job too- whatever form it takes, from being a cartoon bear all the way up until the voice got old and I started showing my face like now.

Of course, now my face has just become another job. I’m glad people seem to like me, but looking back I really should’ve bit the bullet and just bought a new model when I rebranded instead of switching to IRL stuff. Stress aside having my real life self so connected to this shit is pretty draining. Life starts to feel so ethereal when your only happiness is dependent on virtual positive and negative emotional reinforcement from strangers.

Clicking through all these thumbnails and viewership reports and pictures of myself looking a lot prettier than I have any right to be warms my heart a little, as does all your support. It’s great. But in a way, it’s a warmth like rubbing your own hands together. It’s not a fire or even a hug. Just kind of a reassuring pressure to keep myself sane. I should just be happy that I can help provide for my family at this age though, why should I want more?

It’s just that not much of anything can make you feel happy when you’re this lonely. I’ve been very depressed lately. I think the real reason people tell you to go to college is so you can make new friends once all your others fuck off and do their own things. He left, she left. And each time we talk they feel more and more distant. Instead of exchanging them for new connections, I have… all of you. Reading this on my community tab like a suicide note. I’m sorry for oversharing like always, I really don’t want you to worry, but I don’t know if I can keep doing this job. I don’t want to throw it away but I at least need a break.

Thanks! -Chloe

Chloeleaf

6 months ago

I have all the love in the world, I must be stupid. Everyone’s kind words really cheered me up, thank you so much. I think I’m going to keep streaming, at least for now. I don’t know what got into me, just had a bad day. Thank you. XO

Chloeleaf

6 months ago

Hey guys just wanna say thanks for tuning into the last stream. Wanna let you know I’m okay lol, I was feeling a bit creatively stifled I think and that REALLY brought the spark back. Thanks for playing along so well! I wanna do more event streams in the future. Thanks!

XOXOXO

-Chloe <3

Chloeleaf

5 months ago

I get a lot of messages lately telling me to hold on. The sentiment is nice, but I would really like you all to stop. I get this community’s tight knit and all and I’m really, REALLY thankful for that, but reminders of how much I wanna throw everything away are NOT welcome right now! Politely, do something else with your time. Thanks!

-Love, Chloe

Chloeleaf

5 months ago

Some of you really did not get the point of that last community post. I do NOT need to hear about how my steam has affected you, how your life parallels mine, when the last time you attempted s*icide was, OR your medical history. Fuck off! Thanks.

-Chloe

PS listen. If you’re actually the type of person who would cry over a streamer you watch dying, please take a long hard look at your priorities. Hooooly fuck lmao get a life.

Chloeleaf

4 months ago

IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ!

UHHHH so hi! Soo I know I haven’t streamed in awhile now and that’s because I’ve been considering plans to diversify my content. Streaming games, repairs, and taking probably-bannable bits wayyy too far is all good and fun, but I’m thinking of some other routes I could make some money and support myself and I honestly just think I could have more fun with them.

This is embarrassing but. To put it bluntly, would you guys (girls? mostly girls now right?) have any interest in seeing more of me than I’d be able to show on a normal stream? It’d be paid of course but I don’t think I’ll charge too much. This is a new interest of mine, but consider it my way of giving back to the community who made me! I get paid, you all get pics and shit that would never make it to my social media, and everyone’s happy! How’s that sound?

P.S.- I do know what you freaks are into. I will do my best 🙏

Yes queen!!                                                 54%

No thank you I’m a little baby                  34%

I am literally a minor (GO AWAY)             12%

Chloeleaf

4 months ago

Okay so HOLY SHIT the response to my last post was better than I ever could’ve imagined! I don’t know why I was scared. This is the fucking internet. 

Thank you guys so much, links to my new content will be going up on the channel homepage by the end of the day. Early subscribers get a personalized bonus message! If that’s all you came here for, feel free to click off now, the rest is just for the haters. Bye real fans!

Okay y'all look. I get where you’re coming from. But this is my choice to make. If you don’t wanna partake, normal streams are still gonna be happening and I’m still gonna be the same Chloe. Okay? You guys are cool. Now what I can’t stand are you, admittedly very few, but VERY vocal fucks out of you so obsessed with your own perception of me that you’re cutting ties with the channel completely. Like- huh??? Where’s all that loyalty you always talked about having? I used to be scared of the high donors and superfans but now what gets me are the guys who have these fake made-up rules for me in their head. I get not everyone wants to be seen this way but I literally do. I am doing this because I like it.

Anyway. Serves you right, not getting to enjoy my content if this is all it took for you to leave, but… really?? Grow up! I ain’t your fuckin daughter or sister or mom or whatever, you freaks make me sick.

-Love Chloe

Stay smiling!

Chloeleaf

4 months ago

SO HI UM thank you everyone for all the kind words last night!! That um. May have given me a high. APOLOGIES for being a pervert. What am I saying you guys are worse. Anyway I want to take suggestions this time! I get a lot of that was improvisational but I can take notes! I’ve always been an actress, deep down. Lemme know whatever you want me to do! Love ya’ll. 

Chloeleaf

2 months ago

Ive been thinking about it a lot lately and I think the reason I could never swing a relationship is because I always needed more. I thought I just didn’t feel that way about people until now, but what I’m experiencing now actually makes me feel something.

Maybe it’s just that one person alone could never give me what you all give me. Hundreds, thousands of eyes, my very livelihood being tied into my sexuality and how I perform… I’m trying to make this sound emotional, which it is, but also yeah it is just kinda hot. I didn’t expect to be this kind of person, and sometimes I’m still worried I’m not- I don’t even know why I did it, I wasn’t failing or losing views or anything before, I just… got the idea. Would it be funny if I consider us all a big polycule now? Send me a video of you telling your mom about me LMAO.

For next stream I wanna do something big. The same ol routine has been fun for awhile now but mommy NEEDS innovation. Anyone know the absolute hard limit on what you can get away with on my hosting site? I wanna push the boundaries for Halloween.

-Love, Chloe <3

Chloeleaf

2 months ago

What’s up with the girls who do shit like this and act like it’s work? This is FUN. This is not a job. This is the most fun you could ever have!! I’m okay CALLING it a job when my dad asks but to me like… this is just a hobby?? The other day I almost forgot I was on stream and this morning I woke up and acted like I was. Maybe there’s just no longer anything I do I wouldn’t show you guys? I would run a 24 hour feed if I could. Okay maybe not. Maybe. 

It feels like I’m the one gaining everything from this. Sometimes, I even feel like I’m using you all, even though I get told constantly I’m the only one getting used. My first thought was hey, that’s fucked up, I don’t want either of those to be true. But honestly? Maybe I like being used. Maybe that’s why it feels so good. But when I overthink this much it hurts. I’ve always done that, this is the first time I’ve been able to just shut up and feel. 

-Chloe <3

Chloeleaf

2 months ago

I saw someone from highschool today. I knew him early into my stream career, used to watch anime with him, but we didn’t keep up. So, I don’t exist to him anymore. I got to meet him again as a ghost, a new person. We introduced each other- felt so easy to walk up to him since he couldn’t recognizing me- and then he just… started telling me all this shit. How he was in art school, bla bla bla… I didn’t really know what to say to him back. I think that’s the first time I’ve felt guilt for any of this? Not because I’m not in school, I’m working girl after all, but just cause… like, what the fuck? LMAO. Can you IMAGINE telling your younger self you do the kind of shit I do? I can’t imagine telling my past self any of what’s happened to me. I feel overwhelmed by change, positive and negative. 

Used to, someone else used to be here, and now they’re just… not? I’m so much happier as a base line, but I objectively had it easier when I just let life take me and ignored my actual wants. Who the fuck chooses to be a minority and then further ostracizes themselves even after that? Not that I actually had a choice. Waiting until the last minute has meant that pretty much every decision I’ve made has been life-or-death. Maybe even this one. Ever since I started doing this all my worst urges have gone away. Vanished. Did it replace them? I want to think it’s because I’m happier, but there is something in me that thinks… what if I just found something worse? Something that overshadowed my old mechanisms? Idk. 

Chloeleaf

2 months ago

Hey chat, feeling bad tonight… come break my brain and make it stop hurting <3 Live now

Chloeleaf

1 month ago

Does anyone know how to block like a lot of people at once? Like most of you are nice but fuck this is getting to me. Anyway, doing more humiliation stuff tonight. Show up or you’re dead to me! Or like. Show up or else you’re cool and I like you? Sorry not used to being on this end. Show up alright!

Chloeleaf

1 month ago

What’s all the fuss over slut shaming these days? Whores don’t deserve rights, suck it up like the rest of us you dumb bitch. LOL /hj

Chloeleaf

1 month ago

Stupidest girl alive, live now

Chloeleaf

3 weeks ago

Its really funny how social constructs and shit can just rot your brain. More so than media being violet or sexual the stuff you get told as a kid and the stuff you see can just… absolutely wire you in a way that does not make sense. Like, there are still times after steam where I feel preeetty guilty. Is that normal? I’m not saying I don’t like doing this I LOVE doing this, and I feel bad because I love it. Like I was talking to someone about a collab (not happening anymore, don’t theorize) and she was just… so weirded out by how I talked about all this. Am I doing something wrong? It’s probably just in my head. Just like thinking I couldn’t dress a certain way or act how I want, it’s just a wall holding me back. So… wanna help me break that wall? Tonight I’m gonna finally bite the bullet and show off everything I’ve held back, I think that’s what I’ve been missing. Get hype!!

Chloeleaf

2 weeks ago

Would you guys kill me if I gave you my address? You can do whatever you want afterward! <3<3 /j

Chloeleaf

8 days ago

The thing about giving yourself out like candy is you have none to save for yourself, I feel so stifled lately. I get I shouldn’t be telling my audience something like that but I think my honestly is my best trait. It’s not that I can’t get in the mood during a stream or a shoot it’s just that that’s kinda the only time I can. Again is that normal?? I’m sure it’s probably normal. Anyway. Have a good one yall

Chloeleaf

6 days ago

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHFUCK!!!!!!!!! FUCK ME FUCK ME WORTHLESS WORTHLESS SLUT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING KILL ME FUCKING STUPID WHORE STUPID FUCKING WASTE OF LIFE PIECE OF SHIT FUCK

Chloeleaf

3 days ago 

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Chloeleaf

4 hours ago

You know how much it hurts not being able to erase your past? Imagine your internet history burnt into the Earth’s crust forever, or just inscribed on your tombstone.

I’ll never really delete my old VODs. It doesn’t matter if I nuke every internet server on the planet, someone will have them. Someone will know how I used to sound, used to look, used to act. They’ll know what I was called, they’ll know all the mistakes I made, they’ll see what an asshole I was.

I’ll never know my mom. All I had from her was the little stuffed bear I based my old Vtuber model on, sitting beside my PC as I streamed. I tore it up last night. I had this fit of rage like nothing I’d ever experienced before, because I realized I’d just gone and done it again. I thought I had long accepted that I could give up my privacy, if it meant doing what I love. But now I’m the tenth favorite suicidal ewhore lolcow of the net. I might be brushed away, but I’ll never be forgotten. I can’t erase my name, erase my face like I tried so desperately to do before. What’s my excuse this time? I AM a whore. There’s no hiding that. There’s no pills or surgeries that fix that. It’s what I am, and it’s what I’ll always be seen as.

It’s fair to say I want to die. I fucked up. Every day I just think about how badly I want to start over, how badly I want to wake up and for this all to be a scary dream I had back at 17. But no, I have to live my life pretending to swing a job I was really never cut out for. Whatever talent I had entertaining, I never was a professional when it came to sex work. I was in it for the validation I was missing, something to fuck the lonely hole in my heart. Now what? Even if I do reconnect with my old friends, will they accept me? Will they be there to help me? Can I be fixed? It gets even worse when I’m not just thinking about myself. I have a sister, I have at least one person who looks up to me. She’s as much of a reason to keep moving as she is a dagger in my brain. I know if I was in her place, I’d hate me, but I hate me already. All I can do is pray she’s better.

You know why I really did this at the end of the day? You know why it felt good? Because fucking myself over always felt good and I was so caught up in it that I couldn’t tell that’s what it was. If anything this was the EASIEST way to harm myself, because there was always an ocean of positive feedback and I was able to convince myself I was one of the people I looked up to who could actually manage a life like this. I’m not that. I’m fucking terrified of everything outside my home. It’s hard for me to even open up to close friends. Yet I just thought I could fucking bear it all to the whole world? I was lying to myself and making everyone next to me look worse. A cruel, distasteful parody.

I’m not going to be streaming, anymore. If one thing’s for sure, it’s that this job is for parasites. And not all parasites are bad, but I sure was. And I’m sorry for that. I led you on and encouraged you until you grew off me and became a parasite too. Even now I’m talking as if you’re here. I know you’re not. You know you’re not. …Right? I sure hope so.

If I have to change my name, that’s what I’ll do. I want to work at a supermarket. I want to rip off my own face. I want to be human again.

I feel like I’m 17 all over.

-Love, “Chloe”

Goodbye