Aug 28, 2021
Question: What sort of feedback are you looking for?
I'd rewrite that start a bit:
The large, pink suitcase, was unevenly faded. It looked like it had laid out in direct sunlight for many years and that something smaller and circular had rested upon it. The part that had been covered with a bright and cheerful pink that one might buy for a child. The rest of the suitcase was faded, dingy, and had no small amount of cat hair upon it. Judging from the claw marks, one might be forgiven for guessing that cat bed had rested upon it for many years.
The suitcase was now upright and bouncing down the carpeted stairs on its rollers. It bounced right past the small door to the kitchen catching the attention of a woman who at first glance had earned the title of 'Mother'. She had just flipped over an omelette when she refocused on the hopping luggage.
The girl who had lost control of her baggage followed behind and grabbed it just before it impacted the front door. Mother stepped out into the doorway to the entrance hall and frowned. Gesturing with a spatula she pointed at the bag, "Where you going with that, Sweetie?" The mother gestured over her shoulder, "Don't you want breakfast? There was a sale, Risako. It's an omelette just like you love it; Ham, swiss, and sautéed mushrooms."
The girl Risako fiddled with the suitcase, making sure it didn't break open. She pushed back her long, light brown hair behind her ear as she reached over to grab her white, wedge sole sandals. She picked them because they matched the light and breezy white hoodie she wore. it was a nice counterpoint to the wine-red summer shorts hidden underneath.
Risako looked up at mom as she finished fastening the straps, "No thanks, mom. I gotta get to grandma's." She picked up her baggage and spun around as she backed out of the house, "Might be a while!" and blew her mother a kiss and she pulled away and closed the door behind her.
Mother was a bit bewildered by the flurry of actions and just waved and called after her departing child, "Take care, Sweet-" The door closed and she sighed as she turned back to her cooking. Half back to the stove she stopped, "Wait. Did she say "Grandma's'?"
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Now, why?
I like the starting immersion line. I frequently use that myself.
I described the suitcase the way I did so as to give the impression that this was a piece of luggage for someone who was a child, but now looking to grow up. The reference to a cat using it as a sleeping area is to give the impression of the type of person our protagonist. People who have cats give you a certain sterotype that we can build upon. It's a short hand that you can use as a writer.
The Luggage bouncing down the stairs out of control is foreshadowing 101.
Te mother making the child's favorate omelette is for the purpose of establishing this is a positive relationship. as well as granting some background about our FL. She likes ham, swiss and mushrooms. This leads to conclusions. Like she isn't just a vegetarian or a meat eater.
Her exit was rushed, indicating that she was trying to pull something over on her mother, and the fact that it took a while for her mother to catch on indicated that she was a bit slow on the uptake.
All of this does wonders to establish toe personality of our characters as well as establish what to expect in the future.
Is this the sort of feedback you are looking for?
