Nov 08, 2024
Hello!
Congrats on your first chapter! I liked how you conveyed the character's morning routine along with her feelings and view of the environment, using metaphors. On that matter I don't really agree with that one comment recommending you to tone down metaphors and prones.
Since what you wrote in this first chapter is a situational story, reducing the metaphors and prose will make it harder to convey the atmosphere to the reader. Since there is no real event in the story yet, it does not make sense to say that the ornate narration gets in the way of the story. I agree that clarity is important, but I don't think it's the case in this chapter.
If you look at the works of writers like Gogol and Dostoyevsky, you will see that descriptions and metaphors are heavily used in story openings. In my opinion, this is a very effective tool in reflecting the inner worlds of the characters and introducing the story. I also understand from your writing style that the metaphors used are not just for the sake of narrative adornment. My conclusion is that our main character sees the world metaphorically. The character experiences his feelings intensely and deeply and has an artistic side. We can understand this from both his deep thoughts in front of the mirror and his observations of Ren.
Criticism wise, I may say that this way of writing may be too slow for the general audience. Yet to have that conclusion one must see other chapters. It is almost impossible to judge a book before like reading 40 pages.
Good luck with the contest, I wish you the best!
