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Iconoclast

registered at: Aug 14, 2025

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aaa

Sep 02, 2025

The internal monologue of Kazuki is crude and familiar, and it has the emotional charge of loneliness and yearning. His room and school setting are real, but more description of his senses such as sounds or smells of his area can further enhance immersion. Hana is very soft but the defining moment; imagine developing her speech or actions to demonstrate why she means so much to Kazuki, not just admiration.

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:2

Sep 02, 2025

The internal monologue of Kazuki is crude and familiar, and it has the emotional charge of loneliness and yearning. His room and school setting are real, but more description of his senses such as sounds or smells of his area can further enhance immersion. Hana is very soft but the defining moment; imagine developing her speech or actions to demonstrate why she means so much to Kazuki, not just admiration.

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:3

Sep 02, 2025

The internal monologue of Kazuki is crude and familiar, and it has the emotional charge of loneliness and yearning. His room and school setting are real, but more description of his senses such as sounds or smells of his area can further enhance immersion. Hana is very soft but the defining moment; imagine developing her speech or actions to demonstrate why she means so much to Kazuki, not just admiration.

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:1

Sep 02, 2025

Ardent works with cruel training techniques. The scene of Kazuki breaking down emotionally is one of the strongest moments in the novel--his weakness is pure and hard-learned. The training yard setting could be made more physical (dust, sweat, colliding wood). Ardent is a very convincing character; maybe he could be shown a flashback of his lost sons which would enhance his motivations.

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:7

Sep 02, 2025

The moment Kael wakes up in the world of Kazuki is exquisitely sad. His emotional collapse with the mother of Kazuki is moving--add some more opposition between his warrior instincts and the sense of calmness at home to make the transition. The discovery of the diary is a smart storytelling tool; it may be a good idea to use snippets to reveal the voice of Kazuki. The invasion is on the verge, and there could be a slight pause between the tempest and the pacing.

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:6

Sep 02, 2025

It is an excellent character moment as Kazuki respects the throne room. The apology of the king comes unexpectedly, and it is very strong--it can be interesting to dive deeper into his inner struggle to make it look more natural. The scene of the scrying basin is interesting; the twist concerning the Earth body of Kazuki moving is interesting but a stronger feeling could have been achieved by intensifying the sensory experience (i.e., feeling dizzy, nauseous, emotional flashbacks).

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:5

Sep 02, 2025

Here lies the weak side of Zephyr, and her relationship with Kazuki starts to be deserved. The tone is very emotional, but the council discussion could use the variety of voices of characters a bit more, maybe a conflicting opinion that is ethically ambiguous. The atmosphere within the dungeon is appropriate; it would be nice to add some touch aspects (cold stone, flickering torches).

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Soul Switch: Transference of a Shut-in

Chapter:4