Stan Porter

Stan Porter

registered at: Aug 10, 2021
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Aug 10, 2021

Just some feedback:

- I think for this competition, you are really smart in your choice of a premise. Your story is about an isekai adventure that has past, and it feels extremely refreshing to read. Plot-wise and the events you written are extremely original and  I really love how you everything develops so organically. Marketing-wise, this is the exact kind of story that Japan would want, in my opinion.

- Your first few chapters are a bit shaky at first. I feel that there were a lot of unanswered questions and things weren't explained right away, which may not work as well for some of your readers. The payoff is real though, because the way you answer these questions are amazing. You know how to plan and execute Chekhov's Gun to a T.

- Melyeze feels a bit flat, as the third character that we meet in the story, I was hoping she'd play a bigger role. Maybe she will in the future, but right now, it feels like her only purpose is to explain or show things to Evan and the reader (show how fights are in this word, deliver messages to Evan). She feels kinda shallow compared to Sereya, and now Remus in this chapters.

- Speaking of Remus, this is the best example of why I said you're so good at using Chekhov's Gun. We heard of him as early as chapter 6, thought that he was just a minor villain that we'll soon forget in chapter 17, and is now turning into a complex and really interesting villain in this chapter. Like Evan, I completely forgot about him when we meet him again in chapter 17, and it just feels so good that this story was planned out to perfection.

- A few commenters did point out some problems with your dialogue, but I don't feel that it is that big of an issue. Not everyone needs to sound super unique, and have their own voice. Besides, if you win and if this novel gets translated, it won't be an issue anymore.

- Sereya's and Evan's dynamic feel very interesting to me. It's something I definitely did not expect for a shounen story. It feels like you reversed the traditional hero and heroine roles somewhat, but at the same time, it is not as blatantly clear of a role reversal. To me, Sereya definitely appears like the hero who saves the day while Evan feels like the damsel in distress (I'm guessing that this will be the case in the next few chapters). Regardless, it's really engaging, good at teasing your young shounen audience while remaining interesting enough that it doesn't fall into traditional romance genre tropes.  

Overall, writing-wise, maybe some stories here are better, but you definitely have the most marketable story of the lot. For that, I reacted to all your chapters and I'm wishing that you win, simply because your story has the biggest potential of being turned into a manga more than any other of the others.

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3
The Consequence of Saving the World
Chapter:24