Holding On

Humming…distant humming…

Sis?

Gradually, I opened my eyes. I was in quite a large, dimly lit room – some sort of minimalist-style modern apartment, I fathomed. I noticed that there were, amongst other things, a large widescreen display hovering close to the far wall, a computer console of sorts in the corner, and a comfortable-looking brown leather couch piled with purple and red cushions. There were plenty of cat plushies dotted around the room, and hand-drawn pictures of animals on the walls, mostly of tigers. I liked tigers. Then, I noticed a wooden beach table with a set of chairs around it.

It was her. Eased back on one of those chairs was the girl from before, Blue, who seemed to be humming and focusing on something attached to a clipboard. Ambient background music was playing that felt vaguely familiar to me, and mostly discordant to the melody coming from Blue.

I looked down. I was in a wheelchair, but it was different to the one before; it seemed to have a much bigger base. Below my waist looked like it was sealed and it all felt…very constricted. Anxiety mounted in me.

A bleeping alarm went off. Blue sprung forth, knocking the clipboard to the slate-coloured carpet below.

“Oh! You’re awake! Hey,” she said in an excited tone as she came over. She put her hands on my shoulders to reassure me. “It’s going to sound obvious but…breathe easy okay, breathe with me…that’s it.”

I already felt a considerable amount of trust in this girl. Thinking back, I could remember when…when…

Ugh…I can’t; why not, why...

“Hey, it’s okay. Relax. Think of nothing. I know that’s hard, but – okay, think of something silly. Umm…a chicken flying a helicopter. Bok bok bok whump whump whump.”

I laughed. Ouch! “You’re nuts! What was the whumping?”

“Nuts? I prefer to term it as being creative – I like creative pattern interrupts. The whump was from the helicopter rotors, of course!” She was looking into me with her kind, adorable eyes again, as she pulled the chair up and sat almost too close to me.

I wasn’t going to surrender to her female charms so easily. “You’re a goofball, all right!”

“A goof...ball? A ball that consists of goof? I am not familiar with that terminology!” She teased me back.

“Goof means silly. Crazy. Or maybe it’s a kind – of termite. Who’s to say?” That was rank stupidity from me. I felt a flush of embarrassment.

“Ah. Now if you meant ant, then that would be appropriate. I have the work ethic of an ant!” Pouting comically, she pumped her arm in mock toughness. We both laughed.

“I…”

Blue inhaled, looking like she was preparing herself. “I bet the questions are going to come from you thick and fast soon enough, aren’t they. Look, you’re being closely monitored. When you get stressed, an alarm goes off. It’s very important to keep your stress levels managed while you are reintegrating. I cannot quite explain what that means yet. I’m really sorry but it’s for the best, we might have to drip-feed you information slowly while you come out of this stage.”

She looked seriously at me and went on.

“I am a junior nurse amongst other things, but I’ve also been your co-caseworker while you have been here, in this facility. It might sound odd, but right now I probably know more about you than you can recall about yourself. Don’t let that worry you! I hate saying this, as you don’t know me but – please trust me. Trust us. You may be feeling all sorts of things inside, but you of all people deserve to recover. It is a miracle you’re still alive. You’re still in a very vulnerable stage. Even telling you this makes me worry, just in case your nervous system overreacts – through no fault of your own.”

It seemed like she could overflow with compassion at any moment, which stunned me into silence. Why was she like this? Eventually I nodded solemnly, focusing on her incredible cuteness to take the edge off the ascending worry inside me.

I took a breath. “Right, okay.” My head was swimming. I closed my eyes for…seconds, minutes – it was hard to know exactly. When I reopened them, Blue was still looking at me with compassion and warmth. That’s her job, dummy. An alarm was faintly beeping.

“Listen to the music while I talk. I know you like it. I know a lot of what you like. Please don’t worry! Simply that's because we were given information about you, and we prepared these quarters to seem familiar to you and to make you feel as comfortable as possible. From studying the information, l feel that I met you before actually meeting you – it’s so strange, so hard to explain.” Clearing her throat, she continued. “So, I was happy when you woke up earlier. An awful lot of people will be as happy as I was! I’m sorry if that sounds over-familiar, you were just my main focus most of these past two years while I was training. Anyway, I had a big hand in this place’s design, so I really hope it’s to your liking.”

I looked deep into her. It was like she was waiting for me to say something witty. “And yes, I do know a bit about your personality, too. Just be yourself. Don’t be scared to talk to me how you’d like to! I hear you…like talking to girls around your age, making them blush! Go on, I’m a nurse, we can take anything.”

Was I really like that? I wasn’t sure. I felt that she was expecting something from me that I couldn’t give. My head spun again. The alarm bleeped.

“Including the silent treatment!” she laughed. She moved to hold me. Mmmmm.

“Soooo…if I make myself anxious, I can get hugs. That sounds like a system I could totally game!”

Blue laughed. “That’s the you I read about! Cute!”

Was she – nah, stop it. Not a chance.

She was still wrapped around me, like she was trying to keep my insides from spilling out. “Your nervous system is just very heightened right now, we need it to be consistently settled at baseline to deal with the return of memories and coping with the – there’s a phrase that you might know of, ‘new normal’.” The alarm eased off again. “You’ll get bouts of this. Very understandable. When you’re all better, you owe me ten credits for each hug!”

“Credits?”

“Oh err – sorry, I mean, Euros.”

Hmmm. I felt a pang of distrust grow in me towards Blue, for the very first time, like discovering a poisonous mushroom in the darkest corner of a beautiful flower garden. I didn’t know what was up, but I felt her unease after that statement. And she noticed me noticing that.

“There’s a lot I need to tell you. Going to tell you soon. Please. Give me a chance.”

She put her face right up to mine.

“Please? Please please please please. Please.” Adorable. Almost irresistible – but.

Another thought came to me, and disappeared before I could grasp it. It was like the cogs were turning erratically in my head. She smiled at me. “Shame I can’t read minds”.

Shame I couldn’t too, I thought.

But in hindsight, if I could have done so just right then…the shock probably would have killed me.