Prologue

This is my story, the story of a very lonely guy who failed quite a lot and whose fate is to inherit the very place that made his life very gray, along with the decision of parents which costed me my own happiness and slow development and later had an accident. In the past, when I was still a little boy, I once had friends in the neighborhood. After some days of playing with them, I was suddenly pulled back and locked into the house saying that they were dangerous for me. Back then, I didn’t quite understand what they meant but I still remembered the feeling of loneliness and helplessness when I looked down the window and see my former neighborhood friends play with themselves while I was only forced to study, with the logic “don’t mind them, you are more that them. Study so that you can become successful in life”. After that, I had no memory of anything else since my life was only devoted to studying as what my parents expects of me.

The next memory I have is of my first ever visit to my close friend’s house, which I enjoyed very much. But after a few visits, I was then denied to even go back to their house even when I was begging my parents to let me go there even if I had to go there by myself, since their house was only nearby. I kept begging that day, to go and play to their house even if I would only go there by the weekends but to no avail. I was then again reminded of that day in the past where I saw my former friends play as I was on the window. Back then, as I was also explained by my parents, I was always having top scores on all subjects which might have been why I had some pride developed and was a bit of a show off. But on 3rd grade, I suddenly realized everything after noticing that no one would really group up with me, that grades were not everything if I cant even be friends with someone since I had no friends back then. And the feeling of loneliness arises once more to remind me of that day as I also realized my own short comings. After that, I then decided to not go serious at my studies and now try to make some friends at school.

Back then, after I read my first science book which opened up my curiosity, I then had a dream of becoming a scientist. With that, my parents would often use my dream as well to motivate me into studying, until it all changed during 3rd grade. After a few days of my decision, my parents would still encourage me to do better at my studies to no avail, until they eventually accepted of my current situation. Though as always, I had no other memories since everyday was about study, a bit of play, and the eventual fact of going back to what may now be known as my “cage”. I had done many things back then but as my life was still gray, I had no or little memories back then since there was no meaning in keeping it if my life will just be the same. Though what made my days bearable was playing with my little sister, which I also had fun and look forward to everyday even in summer. Then i also remembered my first sin before i got into high school, where i hurt 2 friends which treated me not like the others which became an unforgivable memory. My close friend once had a girlfriend back then which had entrusted me to keep an eye on him if he ever does something and i agreed, so when he said he only dated her because she was rich in a joking manner, i realized only too late after i ran towards her and told what he said. Me, my close friend, and another guy was in a convo that time and both of them were very angry at me after they caught up with me and she ran out. It was only by that time that i realized the gravity of what i had done and held it as a reminder on what i should do the next time.

Until I was now in high school where my life suddenly turned to color, after introducing to anime. I was first introduced to anime at 1st year high where after seeing just one episode, it made me think and imagine of the infinite possibilities of what might happen, which I was also overwhelmed and wide eyed and stood there like a post just watching it. After that, I became very curious of anime that a few days after that, I then began to watch many animes when we first got our internet. Unlike cartoons which emphasizes on the story and specially on the happy parts, as I watched anime after a while, I realized that anime almost has everything like the story, values, art, some real world knowledge integrated, and many things in life. With this, I eventually learned many things, opened my imagination to its fullest capacity, developed my analysis skill, and learned how to maybe react to some situations. Since in every anime i watch, i would always imagine the possibilities on what might happen, what implications it would have in reality, and the possibilities in every situation that might arise reality or not. And i dont just watch just any anime, since it has to be one with a good story, good art, good music, and average or above average in quality which is also why i also learned so much, and felt so much from feeling the characters and the entire story itself.

Back in high school was the prime of my life, as i always do things i like and always be myself while studying just to pass since i had no interest in studying and letting people push me too far. I was also a bit chubby from elementary to high school, though i was muscular and was also one of the strongest and tallest men in the class by high school since i worked out just when i was in 1st year high, as well as a singer for the school back then. Though every other person called me wierd and the bullies call me an abnormal since i have a unique personality back then. I would also remember only maybe 1 or 2 times that i had to visit other classmates house for something only by the day. Every time i have free time or at the store, i always watch tv since there is always a tv at the store to avoid boredom. Most of the time, i watch movies, discovery channel, national geographic, and history channel and learned many other things that school cant teach. Of course i also learn from school though most of my knowledge would need a stimulus or if i might concentrate to recall, since im very weak with memorization until now, and most of my knowledge retained are mostly what is important and can be used in life. And since i dont quite have practice, i cant speak chinese and can only interpret a very few of the language, though im good at english since i only watch english channels. As i now have my imagination and analysis, my memorization is very low that once i make something, i cant reproduce it.

Although we had some lessons together with my sister during summers in my high school years, i had a bit of fun and learning as we learn and develop ourselves, even if none of my classmates ever invited me to bond with them since they would always know the answer to their request. Though with that in mind, i still had some good and bad memories back in high school. One noticable memory comes one time when i had to practice cheer dance with my classmates over at a big house of one of my classmates, i seriously argued with my parents to let me practice at her (the classmate) house and said my mind about me never going to any friends house or never getting any chance to bond with them until my father agreed to drive me there. Though i did visit some houses of other classmates but only once was i had gone, could only count maybe for a few fingers, i had visited her house maybe 3 times on her birthdays. Also during 1st year high school, i started my training in my familys store which i also didnt quite like, and my grand parents was still alive back then. During maybe my 1st year high, my grandpa died, which left me very sad since i had also said some terrible things to him even though he was a good grandpa. Our family store was just a sari sari store in ozamiz which back then, if no one messes with anyone else they wouldnt be messed with, and where i still hadnt known about that fact back then. And i also remembered that since i first got my own room, everything became unbearable maybe because of a fight and i attempted suicide to no avail, since i might have lacked resolve back then. My attempt was just to try and stop breathing but i eventually gave up.

In high school, after being introduced to anime, i was seriously curious about almost everything that i did things my way and was also curious in events in anime such as love scenes and more. Even if i was into anime doesnt mean that i would think of anime and reality as the same, through analysis and imagination, i learned to separate fantasy from reality and think of possibilities that might happen in reality. So by this time, since there was no girl whom i was close with, i picked about maybe 3-6 girls of whom were all beautiful in a way. Though i dont like to brag but i always remember that my sister and mother always pick out clothes for me cause i always pick great clothes, but regretting in the end after looking at the price. That being said, i could only observe all of them from afar and study them on which might be a possible match for me. Then came my first ever prom in the middle of my 3rd year high where everyone in 3rd and 4th years were all wearing fancy clothing, dancing, and eating food. Then the awarding ceremony came and i was picked as most presentable that night as i escorted a girl who won as my pair for the prom, the girl with the big house. But when i felt her hand in mine as we had gone up to the stage, i suddenly felt deep inside along with my instincts and every part of my body and mind that she might be the one for me, as if the universe was calling out in resonance of what might be destiny.

After prom night, i would only have thoughts about her day and night, wondering if this might be called love. It felt as if it was a raging wave so uncontrollable that i could barely control my heart beat, where the only thing i could ever do was just watch from afar and think of a future or possibilities of being together. Then came the fateful day where i planned to confess to her, when she was about to go home and go down the stairs as i practiced singing for a play and excused myself for a bit. I met her at the stairs, black straight hair, cute face, white, elegant, a bit of a shy character while also having a good and smart character, slim, and though she was also a bit smaller than me, standing on the stairs after i called on her for the first time. I was extremely nervous for the first time in my own life gathering as much courage as i can just to tell her i love her, but i suddenly had a vision of our statuses and worse, i remembered my own sin. With a shaking voice i then sent her off and to be careful only to head back up and have my back at the wall to regret what i hadnt done before going back to practice. Thinking back on my sin and our statuses, we were worlds apart, like my close friend having his first girlfriend who was also rich.

There was never a day that go by as i regret what i hadnt done and would only stare at her at class from afar, thinking what might happen if i had continued if she would accept me or reject me, though my plan back then was only to tell her how i feel with or without her response. Then came my first field trip with all my classmates where we visited cebu where we visited many places and was having fun at the same time, and when night fell, it was then that i had another opportunity. Back then in high school, i was always being called abnormal and wierd since they just dont know what im always thinking and would always do things my way, and is popular around school due to the fact that i also go around classrooms to look for interesting things if im bored. With that said, i then visited some rooms where i had a good chat my classmates in some rooms, until i then visited the room where she was. Her best friend, and one of the chosen girls, then mentioned something after some time chatting which was meant for me which i quickly analyzed in connection with her. But i freaked out and almost shouted, to concentrate watching the movie since we were watching a movie back then. After the movie, i just excused myself out and gone back to my room while regretting again along the way. By then, i didnt know that i myself was also very quite shy, since it was covered by my desire to be friends with everybody. The field trip then goes on with some fun and some slight miscalculations along the way and came to a close on the 3rd day, the day when were to return back riding on a ship.

As far as everything else goes, on the next prom night, i just accepted everything that has happened and would only wish for her happiness as i wasnt chosen anymore. I also remembered one time maybe in 3rd or 4th year that i was invited by my close friend to form a band and perform live at a school event at night, i again desperately begged my parents to go with them and practice for the performance, only to hear otherwise. Everyday i was asked only by my close friend only to respond with the hopes of going, everyday i begged my parents, and everyday i was turned down since practice always is during at night. I might have thought of turning down the offer at one time but i was too naive and too hopeful that it might work out, only to crash land everytime the plane takes off. Then at the night of the performance, i might had a singing performance back then but i only was able to watch as part of the audience, thinking of the times i was invited only to be turned down. After the whole program, the whole class was invited up stage to sing along with the band on who ever wants to sing. So when i asked for my turn, my close friend and the band denied with a bit of a cold face, and i just sat down the side of the stage stairs listening to them having fun while i was about to cry for everything that went through.

Of course everything in my life i had it kept secret and never told my parents anything, since even though they might listen, they might have other thoughts on the matter and wont even try to understand my own loneliness. At home, i was always quiet as i always am in a hurry to go to my room to watch anime, the only thing where i can always smile. I knew back then that friends werent everything, but i feel that i can learn more from them and bond with them, as classmates and friends. Just like that one time where one of my classmates brought some durian at school, i was hesitant at first since it was smelly, but everyone else was eating it so i also ate it and it tasted very good. Ever since then i really liked durian. Anyways, graduation came rolling down with just me being cheered by my parents and maybe without taking some graduation pictures along with some classmates as i dont remember being invited by them as well as maybe we had an early exit, i forgot. By then, i already had something i would like to take up in college but the problem now is where i will go, whether along with the rest of my classmates which are mostly in cebu, or somewhere else. After analyzing what i have, as we may only have low income, i was the only one who stayed in ozamiz and at a university near my house. My original plan would have been in cebu, but my instincts told me that im not yet ready and still immature, i just settled with staying. And throughout my highschool years, i wasnt all that close with my parents and with my sister, my parents because of work and my grandma while my sister having to always aim for top place in class and i didnt quite had the knowledge to interact with a sister aside from playing.

All throughout college, i also remembered that every night, i would cry my heart out after every romance scene in anime. Ever since i realized one day about how great of a mistake that i did back in high school, i would always remember my regret every time i see romance scenes, and silently cry afterwards. I even tried to attempt another suicide, this time it was to cover myself with a pillow to stop breathing but i still couldnt do it due to lack of resolve.

Anyways, throughout college, i still had the same routine even though i was already busy with meeting people and with my studies. Though my goal was always not to be perfect, i would still work hard just to get a passing grade. And it was also during college that i first came to my first hobby of downloading anime and collecting them, also in order to watch them if i wanted to since i really hate to watch online and wait for the damn thing to load. And in college, i also picked the course computer engineering originally for the reason that i could build robots since i still had a big interest in science and technology. I could still remember my first project where it was about 95% completed if only my teammates were there to really help, since i already had one of them review the entire design and circuitry for him to make suggestions on what is lacking but nothing while i didnt bother with the other since he was muslim. At the last part of the project, only i had suspected that the missing part of the whole project was the output of the motors which proved very difficult to adjust since im only using a dynamo engine for toys. Gladly, the instructor passed me on the project which was an automatic window controller. I was also whining for the whole last part of the project that they werent helping me, and i also realized back then that i had little leadership skills. Because maybe of that, my teammates when i was at 4th year, assigned me to only document the new project which was robotics. True that i couldnt quite help with the programming but i could help with the circuitry, though some were already assigned to it. There were only 4 of us 4th years which was why our project is robotics, and the project ended with great difficulty and some deadline extensions due to the programming. Gladly, the instructor eventually made all of us pass and we were given our diplomas.