Resonance

The warehouse seems immense, yet the more I'm in it, the more it seems to shrink.

I'm trying to concentrate, but my hands tremble as I try to grip the dagger handle tightly. Sweat dampens my palms. I try to strike Dango, I miss, I lose my balance, I fall, Dango's arm stops me before I hit the ground.

«Be careful not to lose your balance. You're still too stiff, you need to be more relaxed. By gripping the handle like that, you're tensing too many muscles unnecessarily, limiting your movements, getting tired faster and you could get hurt.»

I look at him and nod without answering.

He comes closer and takes a position next to me. He's huge. He makes me feel even smaller, but he doesn't look down on me. He carries a calm air that somehow manages to calm me down.

«Let's try again together.» he says smiling.

Dango shows me the movement again. He does it slowly, so I can see it well. I imitate him, trying to synchronize, but the dagger seems to get heavier with each attempt.

Next to us, Pierrot trains impeccably. Its movements are not fluid, but it doesn't stumble, it never misses. I know it's a machine and it's programmed to know how to do everything, but I envy it anyway.

«You're too stiff too, Pierrot. Try to loosen up.»

I turn to look at it, only to find Dango's amused gaze upon me.  «Bea, concentrate.»

I turn around abruptly, trying to avoid eye contact. I pretend to concentrate on what I'm doing, I feel the heat on my cheeks.

At the end of the training, every muscle in my body is sore. I sit on the floor, leaning my back against a wall. Pierrot comes over and hands me a water bottle.

«Thank you.»

It sits down next to me in silence. Having been with it for these weeks, I've realized that Pierrot isn't so bad. It's kind, helpful, and curious. I still find it a rather controversial type, not out of malice, but for the way it wants to help Dango.

On the other side of the room, Dango is putting away the company's weapons that we used. Even though he has a good collection of his own, it's not enough for all three of us.

«You should tell him.» Pierrot's voice makes me wince. I look at it, confused.

«T-Tell him what?»

«That you feel frustrated.»

«How do you know?»

«It shows in your recent behavior.»

«I-It doesn't matter what I want.»

«Instead, I think Dango would like to know how you feel.»

«I-If he wants to know how I feel, he just has to ask me.»

«He is not someone who likes to ask personal questions or talk about himself. But I think he would like to talk about these things if the initiative came from someone else.»

I stare at him, but I don't answer. I don't want to bother Dango with my useless problems.

***

The next day, Dango trains me for a couple of hours, as usual when he doesn't teach us how to fight. He wants to help me improve my physical condition to get better performance in combat.

The day after tomorrow we resume fencing training. It's the sixth lesson.

«Well. Your movements are softer than the other day.»

Dango says it as if it were true, but I know it's not. I wipe the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand.

«It's not true. I'm not improving at all.»

«Maybe we should take a break.» Pierrot suggests, watching us.

«Okay, if you say so.» Dango says calmly.

I feel like I'm slowing everyone down. Pierrot doesn't need anything. He's already perfect. I, on the other hand... I'm a burden. I bite my lip and look down. «No! I don't need a break. Just... Just try again.» I don't know why, but the words come out more abruptly than they should.

Dango seems to light up at what I said. He stands in front of me on guard. «How about it Bea, shall we try to put into practice what you've learned?»

I start first, we start fighting, his eyes are fixed, he can follow me, attentive, I try again, and again, and again, Dango counterattacks, I manage to keep up, I start attacking him again, the sword slips from my hand, hits Dango's head, the clang of the weapon falling to the ground echoes in my ears...

I bring my trembling hands to my mouth, what have I done, I've hurt him, it was my fault. «I-I'm sorry!»

«Don't worry, nothing happened.» He looks at me smiling, blood trickling down his face.

«No! I-I… hurt you!»

«It's normal to get hurt. They're weapons after all. Next time you'll be more careful.»

«Normal? Normal?! It's useless all this! I'm too weak, too... too stupid to learn these things!»

Dango stops. He looks at me, surprised. I can't tell if he's disappointed or worried. He takes a step towards me. «Beatrice…»

«Don't come near me!»

I run to a corner, clenching my fists to keep from crying. Ridiculous! I'm just a stupid girl who can't even hold a weapon!

After a few minutes, I hear footsteps approaching. It's Dango. He has a bandage on his wound. He sits down next to me calmly, his arm brushing against mine. He remains there in silence, letting the sound of my labored breathing fill the space.

«Bea…» His voice is gentle. Hearing him call my name is enough to make me break down.

«You don't understand!» I jump up trembling.

I turn to him, my eyes wet meeting his.

«I-I'm not as good as Pierrot! I'm not strong, I'm not fast, and you... you can't understand how it feels to be so useless!» I feel my face getting hot with anger and shame. «You just sit there all day enjoying your life! You dump all your duties on others!... You want to be a writer but you don't even try to write. Because you know that someone else will do it for you instead! You feel so superior to everything, that you don't even have to worry about thinking. And the worst thing is, you even act like a friend, as if we weren't your slaves! Well, we are!»

I'm out of breath.

After a few moments, I cover my mouth with my hands, realizing what I've said...

His gaze is stern... How can I blame him after what I've said.

I want to take back my words. But I'm afraid it's too late...

His silence is wearing me down...

«I-I'm sorry…» My voice lowers, a tear runs down my cheek.

I see his body tense up, his jaw clenches, his fists tighten, he stands up, slowly extends his trembling hand towards me, I close my eyes, I'm afraid of what he might do to me, I've made a mistake, he's right to punish me, I feel his hand grab the back of my head, he pulls me towards him, here we go...

He brings my face to his chest. «It doesn’t matter.»

I open my eyes, incredulous. «Eh?»

«You're right, I've dumped all my responsibilities on you... If I got hurt, it's only my fault for not realizing how tired you were.»

«I-It's not true...» the words barely come out.

«Let me take care of something for once.»

Tears flow on their own, without me being able to utter a single moan, I cling to his waist, I feel his warmth, I let out a cry, I start whimpering like a child, I feel all the tiredness come over me at once.

After a few minutes he asks «Are you feeling better now?»

I don't say anything, I just nod. I let him go.

«Good! How about we go home for today?» he asks with a gentle smile.

I feel my cheeks heat up. I look away so I don't have to look him directly in the eyes. «A-As you wish.»

«For me, we could stay here fighting until tomorrow. But I want to know what you want to do.»

I hesitate. What should I answer? What I want, what he wants, or what he would want me to say?

«L-Let's go home.»

«Okay. Then let's go.»

***

That evening, at dinner, I sense a slight tension. Pierrot makes a few comments about the food, Dango and I barely look at each other. I can't stop thinking about what I said to him today.

After finishing eating, I gather all my courage and approach Dango. He's sitting in his armchair, staring at the television.

«Dango…» I murmur.

He turns towards me. He waits for me to continue, patiently.

«I-I still wanted to apologize for today. I shouldn't have said...»

«I told you it doesn't matter. Rather, how did you know I was writing?»

«P-Pierrot... We were cleaning, and it... it told me about your texts.»

I look at him. He froze with his eyes wide open and his cheeks red.

I gather some courage. I shrug. «Its stories about your days made me curious. And… It gave me the things you had written. I read them every night before bed.»

His eyes light up and his leg doesn't stop moving. «And what were they like?»

I run a hand through my hair. «I-I'd like to read more.» My voice lowers, my heart is pounding.

For a moment he doesn't respond. Then a small smile, barely noticeable, curves his lips. «Okay, I'll try to write some more if you insist so much.»

…

«Dango…»

«Yes?»

I look down, my hands clasped in front of me. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breath slowing down, the air I inhale becoming cold. I feel like an idiot, but I have to ask him.

«I-I happened to try the sofa the other days... It's quite uncomfortable...»

«I don't sleep so badly.»

I stop for a moment, feeling the blush on my cheeks. I have to ask him directly, or he won't understand. I take a breath to give myself courage. «I've thought about it a lot and... If-if you don't mind... Would you like to... Share the bed?»

Silence. I cover my face with my hands. I want to sink. What a fool. Why ask him such a thing? I feel a knot in my stomach. I'm afraid I've messed up everything.

He looks away. «If you don't mind... it's okay with me.»

«N-No, I don't mind.»

«Mh…»

His words are... shy? For some reason, they make me smile.

A little later, we lie down in bed and turn off the lights. Even though we're lying on the edges of the bed with our backs turned to each other, I can feel his breath as if he were attached to me. It's not as terrible as I thought. In fact, it's... reassuring. For the first time, I don't feel out of place.