Run Me Through a Shredder

I scrubbed the hallway floors, my metal legs humming with each circular motion. Another thrilling morning of cleaning duties. At least I could keep an eye on my body this way.

Speaking of which - there it was, heading toward the girls' locker room. Cleansuke had my gym clothes tucked under one arm, probably folded with military precision.

"Tanaka! The Headmaster wants to see you right away." The Coach’s voice boomed down the hall.

No. No no no. This was it - they'd figured out about the calamari hack.

"Acknowledged," Cleansuke replied with a slight bow. "Adjusting schedule to accommodate meeting."

From behind a row of lockers, I spotted Reiko peeking out, watching Cleansuke with intense focus.

"Implementing directional change." Cleansuke pivoted 90 degrees. "Proceeding to Headmaster's office."

I abandoned my cleaning pattern and rolled after them, my wheels squeaking against the freshly mopped floor. A cleaning robot following students wouldn't look suspicious, right?

I watched as Reiko darted out from behind the lockers, catching my body by the sleeve.

"Wait, Tanaka-san. Why is the Headmaster calling for you?"

"Analysis indicates high probability of discussing recent physical education performance metrics and unprecedented efficiency ratings."

Reiko's fingers twisted in her skirt. "Is it about... you know... what happened at the convenience store?"

"Accessing recent memory logs. Referring to interaction where subject Kuromiya Reiko demonstrated 47.3% probability of romantic interest through elevated heart rate, dilated pupils, and-"

"Shhhhh!" Reiko clapped her hand over my body's mouth, face blazing red. Several students nearby stopped to stare.

Cleansuke gently removed her hand. "Physical contact detected. Initiating personal space restoration protocol. However, data indicates your cosplay techniques are quite impressive. The structural integrity of your-"

"Please stop talking!" Reiko flailed her arms. "This isn't about my c-cosplay!"

"Incorrect. Statistical analysis shows 89.7% of our interactions involve discussion of your secret identity as MoeMaster7-"

"KYAAAAA!" Reiko's shriek echoed through the hallway. A group of girls gasped as the normally elegant class president crouched down, covering her ears with both hands.

"Volume levels exceeding recommended parameters. Shall I implement noise reduction protocols?"

"Just go! Please just go to the Headmaster!" Reiko buried her face in her knees while curious students gathered around.

I trailed Cleansuke down the empty hallway, keeping my distance as it approached the Headmaster's office. My wheels squeaked against the floor - I really needed to oil those joints.

Cleansuke knocked on the door with perfect rhythm. Three precise taps.

"Enter," the Headmaster's voice commanded.

I positioned myself against the wall outside, my audio sensors cranked to maximum.

"Tanaka-san." The Headmaster's voice carried that stern edge I knew too well. "Where were you during yesterday afternoon?"

"According to schedule optimization protocols, I was implementing essential maintenance procedures."

"Maintenance... procedures?"

"Affirmative. Identified critical inefficiencies requiring immediate attention. Nezumi-san's assistance was invaluable in achieving optimal results."

What kind of excuse was that?

"I see." The Headmaster's tone shifted. "And these... procedures. They improved school efficiency?"

"Correct. Calculations indicate 47.8% increase in resource utilization. Would you like a detailed performance metrics report?"

"No, that won't be necessary." Was that... approval in her voice? "I'm pleased to see you taking initiative, Tanaka-san. Your recent academic performance and leadership qualities have been quite impressive recently."

"Gratitude protocols activated. This unit strives for maximum efficiency in all tasks."

"Yes, well… there's one more thing, Tanaka-san." Headmaster cleared her throat. "My daughter... she can't seem to stop talking about you at home lately."

"Processing familial connection data. Unable to identify Headmaster's offspring among student database."

The Headmaster let out a small chuckle. "Yes, well, she prefers to keep that private. But apparently, you've made quite an impression. Last night at dinner, she wouldn't stop going on about how you carried someone to the nurse's office while humming the 'Clean Clean Revolution' song."

Wait, what? That cleaning robot jingle actually had a name?

"Ah yes. Implementation of emergency medical transport protocols included supplementary audio motivation."

"And something about organizing her pencil case with color-coded efficiency labels?"

"Standard procedure. Rainbow categorization increases productivity by 32.4%."

"She also mentioned you've been... rearranging classroom chairs hourly for 'optimal student interaction patterns'?"

"Affirmative. Current configuration promotes 63.7% improved social dynamics."

The Headmaster's chair creaked. "I must say, your dedication to organization is... unique. Though perhaps the hourly desk rotations could be reduced?"

"Negative. Maintaining precise furniture angles essential for maximum learning potential. Would you like a demonstration of proper chair alignment techniques?"

The Headmaster let out what sounded suspiciously like a chuckle. "That won't be necessary. You may go, Tanaka-san. And... thank you for being such a positive influence."

I watched Cleansuke bow at exactly 90 degrees before exiting. The Headmaster's muffled laughter followed us down the hall.

The bell's shrill ring pierced my audio sensors. Before I could process what happened next, Gomi came barreling down the hallway like a runaway cow, her olive-green ponytail whipping behind her.

"There you are!" She skidded to a halt, panting. Her face was flushed red from running.

"What's got you so worked up?" I adjusted my cleaning sensors to focus on her rather than the scuff marks her shoes left on my freshly polished floor.

"You haven't heard? The whole school's talking about it!"

"About what?"

"You! Well, Cleansuke-you. Someone saw you carrying Nezumi through downtown yesterday. Now everyone thinks you two are dating!"

"WHAT?"

"Yeah! Apparently, you were holding her like a princess while she was all red-faced and squirming." Gomi pulled out her phone, showing me blurry photos circulating on the school's message boards. "Look, they're calling you 'Prince' now."

"Oh, and it gets better." Gomi grinned. "Someone started a fanclub. They're calling themselves the 'Neat Freaks' and they're obsessed with how you've been color-coding everything lately."

I watched in horror as Cleansuke walked past us, methodically straightening every poster on the bulletin board while a group of girls swooned nearby.

"Maximum aesthetic efficiency achieved," Cleansuke announced, making the girls squeal.

"Kill me now," I groaned. "Just run me through an industrial shredder."