I Scored a Date...?

I watched Nezumi storm down the hallway like a mecha on a rampage, her face redder than an overheated circuit board.

"Tanaka-san! What's this about us d-dating?"

Cleansuke turned with mechanical precision. "Processing relationship status query."

Gomi snorted as she ducked behind the wall. "Oh, this is better than those soaps Mom watches."

"Shh!" I hissed, pressing myself flat against the same wall. 

"We are not dating! You just... carried me! Without permission!"

"Emergency transport protocols were activated due to potential injury risk factors."

"That's not— You can't just—"

"Tanaka-senpai!" Yuriko's voice echoed down the hall as she rushed toward us, notebook clutched to her chest. "I need more details about yesterday's princess carry scene for my next chapter!"

"Objection noted. However, proper carrying technique ensures—"

"Tanaka." Reiko appeared from around the corner, arms crossed. "We need to discuss Saturday's plans. And why everyone's talking about you and Nezumi."

"Multiple query detection. Initiating response queue. Processing requests in order of arrival."

"Wait, what about Saturday?" Nezumi turned to Reiko. "What plans?"

"Classified information requires proper security clearance."

"But our scrapyard visits—" Nezumi started.

"You've been going to the scrapyard?" Yuriko's eyes lit up. "That's perfect for my star-crossed lovers subplot!"

"What scrapyard?" Reiko's eyes narrowed.

"Detecting rising stress levels. Initiating calming protocols." Cleaensuke reached into its pocket and pulled out... a spray bottle of lavender mist.

Gomi began waving her arms like a malfunctioning windmill.

"Ladies, ladies! Let's all take a breath here." Gomi stepped between the three girls. "You know how Tanaka gets with her... uh... cleaning protocols. Nothing to see here!"

"But the photos—" Nezumi started.

"Those were totally staged!" Gomi pulled out her phone. "See? I was testing a new photo filter app. Makes everything look way more romantic than it is. Watch—" She snapped a quick pic of herself next to a trash can. "Look, now it looks like I'm on a date with this trash can!"

Yuriko peered at the phone. "That's... actually a pretty good effect."

"Right? Hey, Fukui-sensei, I bet you could use this as reference for your novel."

Yuriko's face went pale. "H-how did you—"

"Oh wow, would you look at the time!" Gomi grabbed my body's arm. "We've got that thing in 2-A! Can't be late!"

She dragged my body down the hall, leaving the three girls blinking in confusion. As we rounded the corner, I heard Reiko ask, "Wait, what novel?"

Inside 2-A, Gomi shoved my body into its seat just as students started filing in. "Okay, just... try not to carry anyone else today?"

"Negative. Proper lifting technique must be maintained when—"

"Shh!" Gomi slapped a hand over my body's mouth. "Just... pretend you're sleeping or something before class starts!"

Cleansuke immediately slumped forward, face-planting onto the desk with a loud thunk.

"Not like that!" Gomi whispered. "Who sleeps like they've been knocked unconscious?"

"Sleep mode activated. Initiating realistic breathing patterns."

From my corner cleaning station, I watched several girls huddle near my desk, their whispers carrying across the room.

"Look how peaceful Tanaka-san looks when sleeping." 

"I know right?"

"Even drooling looks elegant somehow," another girl giggled.

I wasn't drooling! Was I?

Gomi caught my mechanical eye and grinned that troublemaker grin I knew too well. She pulled out her phone and crept toward my sleeping form.

"Watch this," she whispered to the girls, positioning her phone. "Let's see how our sleeping beauty reacts to..."

She played a sound clip of squeaking desk legs against the floor. Cleansuke shot upright instantly.

"Detecting furniture disturbance. Initiating floor protection protocols."

The girls burst into muffled laughter as Cleansuke began methodically adjusting every desk in reach to optimal positions.

"Oh no, there's a spot on your uniform!" Gomi pointed dramatically.

Cleansuke froze mid-desk adjustment. "Contamination detected. Emergency spot removal required."

It produced a lint roller from nowhere and began meticulously grooming my uniform.

"The way Tanaka-san takes cleaning so seriously lately is kind of adorable," one student giggled.

"Like a butler prince!" another chimed in, nodding eagerly.

Gomi struggled to contain her laughter. She was enjoying this way too much.

"Spot removal complete. Resuming furniture optimization sequence."

Just wait until after school, Gomi. You're dead meat.

-

The morning dragged by as I watched Cleansuke organize everything in sight between taking immaculate notes. When the lunch bell finally rang, I prepared to follow Gomi and Cleansuke out.

"Ready for lunch?" Gomi stretched. "I brought extra cleaning wipes for your bento box."

"Affirmative. Initiating lunch preparation proto—"

A blur of motion cut through the classroom. Nezumi materialized beside my desk, grabbed my uniform sleeve, and yanked.

From my spot in the hallway, I watched Nezumi drag my body into an empty classroom. My cleaning protocols kicked in, forcing me to polish the windows instead of following them inside. At least I could still hear through the door.

"Finally, we can talk alone." Nezumi's voice trembled. "About those rumors..."

"Analyzing social dynamics. Dating rumors cause 47% increase in student attention."

"Exactly! Everyone thinks we're together now. How do we fix this?"

"Solution identified: Engage in actual dating protocols."

A choking sound. "W-what?"

"Dating would eliminate need for rumor control. Efficiency increased by 82%."

"But... but that's not..." Nezumi's voice rose several octaves. "You can't just decide that!"

"Previous interactions indicate compatibility. Shared interest in mechas: 98% match. Physical proximity comfort level: acceptable range."

"That's not how relationships work!" Something crashed – probably Nezumi backing into a desk. "You don't calculate compatibility like some kind of robot!"

If only she knew.

"Additional benefits include: simplified social interactions, reduced need for explanations, optimal partner for Dai-Bōku activities—"

"Stop listing benefits!"

"Would you prefer a flowchart?"

"No! I don't want a flowchart! This isn't funny!"

"Humor protocols not activated. Genuine proposition based on logical parameters."

"Oh my god." A thud suggested Nezumi had slumped against the wall. "You're actually serious."

"Affirmative. Shall I schedule our first official dating activity?"

"You can't just—" Nezumi's words dissolved into incoherent sputtering. "This isn't how confessions are supposed to go!"

"Would you prefer traditional confession format? Accessing romantic scenario database..."

"No! Don't access anything!" Nezumi's footsteps paced frantically. "Just... just stop being so... you!"

"Unable to comply. Core programming cannot be modified without proper authorization."

Nezumi made a sound like a deflating balloon. "Just... promise me something?"

"Awaiting parameters for promise protocol."

"If I..." She took a deep breath. "If I agree to... to d-date you... no more carrying me in public!"

"Unable to comply. Safety protocols override—"

"Then no deal!"

"Recalculating parameters." Cleansuke tilted its head. "Proposal: Carrying permitted only in emergency situations exceeding danger threshold of 65%."

Nezumi groaned. "Fine. And no more cleaning me in public either!"

"Acceptable compromise. Dating protocols initiated. Scheduling first—"

"Wait!" Nezumi jumped up. "I didn't officially agree yet!"

"Previous statement indicated acceptance of terms."

"That's not... I mean..." Nezumi's face turned the color of an overheated circuit board. "Oh god, I did agree, didn't I?"

"Affirmative. First date scheduled for—"

"Wait… I'll let you know about the d-date details later, okay?" Nezumi began fidgeting with her uniform sleeve. "For now, let's focus on tonight's Dai-Bōku match. I need to prove myself as your new collector."

"Confirmed. Match preparation takes priority."

"Right." Nezumi straightened her shoulders. "I should go prepare. And maybe... maybe process what just happened."

She darted toward the door, paused, then spun back around. "This is real, right? Not some elaborate prank?"

"Negative. Pranks reduce cleaning efficiency by 34%."

"Of course that's your reason," Nezumi mumbled, then fled the room.

The universe had a weird sense of humor. My first date, and I couldn't even properly enjoy it because I was too busy scrubbing windows.