Stepping Back in Time

If you picture a distressed log cabin, something from an old western movie –that’s what I’m looking at now. Everything is hewn from oak or pine and its crystal clear they had no modern-day tools when they built this cottage. The three wood planks with the crooked branch handrail, rise up to meet a small, roofed porch. A slatted swing-seat hangs from heavy chains, just to the left of the door. I’ve sat there with Elspeth every visit.

The screen door is framed in a thin strip of wood that’s flimsily made, but it does the trick, allowing a soft breeze to flow through the cottage, cooling it down. Red gingham curtains move softly with the breeze that comes mostly off of the river. It always seems to be the perfect temperature inside. Even when I’ve visited, in the heat of the summer months, it still seemed to stay somewhat cool.

It's a log cabin, so it looks exactly the same on the inside as it does on the outside. It’s small, with the kitchen only having a handful of cabinets, and material shirred on dowels act as doors. As if there isn’t enough wood theme in here, even the countertops are like a hand-hewn butcher block top. There’s a tiny fridge in the corner, an old wood burning stove in the center, and a small island across from everything, making the area between the cabinets and island only wide enough for one person. The floor is all pine planks so the whole house has a warm, buttery feeling. You have to love wood to live here, that’s for sure.

Their kitchen table is small, round, with four chairs and we’ve spent a good time here –around the table. The living room is really small as well, only housing a lush couch that swallows you up when you sit in it and a rocking chair with a floor lamp to the side of it. A stone fireplace stands, parallel to the kitchen.

The couch and rocker are situated to face the window during the summer months, but Elspeth says they turn it to face the fireplace in the winter months. I’m concerned how they’ll fare if they’re still here by winter. They have a decent sized generator that offers electricity only for the refrigerator and a couple floor lamps. Other than that, there are zero conveniences here.

My mind drifts, daring to dream about our life together. Being able to offer her so much more than this existence. I know she says they’re happy here, but I can offer her things her heart hasn’t even had the knowledge to dream of yet.

This place is such a huge contrast to my sleek penthouse. Night and Day, different. It excites me, yet I wonder to myself how Elspeth will accept the changes. The living quarters alone are just the tip of the iceberg to the differences of my life versus hers and it makes me worry.

I feel like every thought I have about her moving in with me, and all the things I want to experience with her, is just going to be me, bulldozering over her old ways, the only life she’s ever known. What if she can’t handle it? What if I push too hard, wanting her to adapt to my way of thinking. God… it’s all so much to worry about. No wonder I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman before. It’s exhausting!

But today feels right. Today her mother is in good spirits. She’s even up and puttering in the kitchen, helping Elspeth with dinner. They waited for me to arrive to finalize everything. When we were last together and had to say our heartfelt goodbyes, knowing it would be more than a week before we could see each other again, she had promised to prepare a wonderful meal for me. I’ve only been here a dozen-ish times, and every time I’ve brought food from my place. Almost a catered buffet prepared by my AI. Today she wanted to show me how they normally eat. Food off the land and all.

She had prepared stewed rabbit with a fresh garden salad, and freshly baked bread –that she makes in her old, cast iron, fire heated, oven. She still has some flour that she had traded for, prior to the end of the last supply caravan’s traveling through. I was looking forward to it. I hadn’t had rabbit since I was a teenager, back when I hunted.

-

I sit silently at the small oak table, just taking everything in. I look over at Elspeth as she spins her hair into a coil and reaches into her apron pocket, pulling out a hair clip and fastening her hair up in the back. She smiles at me before she turns to wash her hands. I’m watching the magical symphony of movements as Elspeth glides around her tiny kitchen finalizing dinner –moving effortlessly around her mother as they work skillfully side by side; all while she continually glances up at me, blushing like a young schoolgirl.

Her eyes are filled with wonder, like she can't believe I'm here. “This isn’t anything fancy.” Her eyes raise as she dices a couple carrots. They make contact with mine and she blinks heavily as her lashes drop and raise again. A soft, shy smile rests on her face. Her beautiful face. Her embarrassment for her simple meal makes me love her all the more. I encourage her, telling her it will be the best meal I’ve ever tasted.

A balled-up kitchen towel comes flying at me, smacking against my cheek. I turn abruptly, seeing her mother standing on the other side of their small island, one hand on her hip, one on the island to sturdy herself. She’s so small she’s pixie in size. If it weren’t for her gaunt appearance, she could pass as one. Or maybe an Irish sprite. “You stop flirting young man!” “Mama!” Elspeth’s breathy word chastises her mother.

“Don’t you know…” her mother leans against the counter, fragile as a newborn fawn, preaching at me. Wagging her finger in my direction. “...that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” I laugh and nod. “Certainly!” For barely pushing 40 kilograms, she's a spitfire. But I hold back a grin that wants to turn into a chuckle. “Well,” she toddles around to be standing right over me. Her frail, boney hand rests on my shoulder.

The years she’s lived are mapped on her face but she’s still radiant. The illness she battles has taken its toll, you can see it in the dark circles carved out under her eyes. Her translucent skin shows almost every vein, but clearly, her spirit still burns brightly. “A way to a woman’s heart is through her man’s compliments on her cooking.”

I twist my head to look back at her and see her grinning a toothless grin down at me. I then look back at Elspeth, still busily chopping away. She's smiling, embarrassed. And then we all burst out into laughter. Ailith's fingers tap lightly on my shoulder, enjoying joking with me. Her eyes brighten as her thin lips shape into a perfect smile. It’s so sweet how she found herself funny –which makes me laugh all the more.

Everything here is so laid back, so easy… too easy to fall in love with. Every single time I've come, I haven’t wanted to leave. The pull to stay here is like a magnetic forcefield and I’m completely made out of steel.

“Sit down Mama. Rest. I’m almost finished here.” Ailith has been leaning against my shoulders, but she does as her daughter asks and as she sits, her hands splay across the red gingham tablecloth. Palms up. I look down at them, and then up at her, as her fingers wiggle, seeking out my hands. I give them both over to her freely as she clasps around them before she flips them over and starts running a boney finger over the lines in my palms.

Her hands and fingers caress my hands, running over them, playing with them, patting them. There’s a rich fondness in her touch. She’s lived a lifetime, certainly she’s experienced things I couldn’t even fathom. And I feel a deep respect for her wisdom.

Elspeth's mother passed during delivery; seems her father wasn't well. Elspeth went to her grandma, but Ailith wanted nothing to do with her father. There was some family tension there. Maybe involving alcohol. She's unsure. Elle just shrugged her shoulders, saying they've always been Mama and Papa. She added that they gave her a wonderful home. Her life there was complete.

I offer a genuine smile as she studies my palms before she looks into my eyes. “You’re a hard worker, but I feel you will have some hard days ahead of you. You will see. Questions will demand answers.” I'm thrown by that comment, and I look at her, I mean, really look at her. Her tired eyes still have a glimmer to them and her wisdom feels almost tangible, like she truly can see into the future. She seems as old as an ancient oak and maybe there’s something to my theory that she’s a fairy. Or maybe a Fae.

My eyes stay focused on her. Funny, even with illness and age, I can see where Elspeth gets her spark and I imagine her and I together, at this old age, hand in hand, still in love. Elspeth will be the wise one, I'll be the lucky one.

Her mother speaks again, pulling me back to the here and now. “I see…” she continues, but her eyes are still focused on my hands as her fingers rake over the lines of my palm. “I see that you also are just and fair. That's good. Some day that will be necessary, when you have to make the tough decisions. When people's lives will depend on your words.” I’m so thrown by her words. I know my job is somewhat responsible for people’s lives, is that what she's referring to?

Her brows raise as she lifts her eyes to meet my gaze. I look up from our hands. A gentle smile falls across her face. I find myself embarrassed by her assessment. “See, you’re humble as well. Those are rare qualities…” Her hand pats over mine as she glances up to where Elspeth is standing cutting the last of the vegetables –who has also been looking over toward us, listening. She knows how valuable her mother’s words are. I see how she trusts her fully, how she admires and cherishes her.

They both exchange a glance and a grin. Elspeth is pleased to hear her mother’s words. “He’s one of the few good ones,” she says to her daughter. Elspeth blushes. My eyes are like a ping pong ball, going back and forth between them. Seeing, but not understanding their silent conversation. They speak without words. They know and understand one another so well; they don’t have to use words. I find it fascinating.

Her mother turns back to me, patting my palms once again. “Elspeth will need someone…” Her eyes turn glassy as she looks past me now, out over her front porch and towards the river where she drifts off. “...when my time is done on this earth.” She finishes her thought somberly, but resolutely. It’s a reality for her. And I can see she’s come to terms with her inevitable near future.

Her eyes soften as she looks at me once again. "There have been many suitors over the years. I mean just look…” Her one arm raises as she sweeps over the air, silently framing her daughter. “She’s a real prize.”

“Oh Mama! Stop it!” Elspeth’s head drops as deep embers of red rush up from her neck to her ears, and over her cheeks. I just stare at her, mesmerized by her beauty and taken by her shyness.

Most of the women I’ve been with over the last six years are overly confident. You might even use brazen as a descriptor. It’s fine. I love confident women. It’s just that Elspeth is equally confident as she is quiet and shy. I can’t explain it, it’s just perfection. She’ll flash that shy smile your way and completely disable you –then, just as easily, she can rise up with that strong streak of stubbornness that’s rooted deep in her. She doesn’t back down just to appease. If she has something worth arguing for, she goes for the jugular. And God is that sexy. Even when it’s pointed in my direction.

“What!?” Her mother tsks her few teeth at her daughter. “You are a rare beauty! You should own it!” I’ve been sipping on my tea, which is almost chilled by now, I’ve been so wrapped up in what her mother has to say. But I practically spew out that last sip with her words. There's a strange silence, only for a moment before they both break out laughing and I join in. I could watch this dynamic duo all day long.

“Alister.” My head twists back, away from looking at Elspeth to looking at her mother. I don’t think she’s ever said my name before, so it catches me a little off guard. “Yes Ma'am?” Her frail hand slaps mine and I blink hard, surprised by that. “It’s about time you start calling me by my name. Ailith.”

Her fingers wrap around my hand, mine do the same. We sit for a silent moment as she stares, looking deep into my soul. I had wished I had done a spring cleaning before she started probing into my deepest darkest secrets. I pray she doesn’t come across what I’ve been wanting to do with and to her daughter.

I find myself blushing like a shy teenage boy with his first crush. Until I’m pulled into what’s happening. Ailith coughs hard, pulling out a hanky from her apron pocket and covering her mouth. I notice several tiny spots of blood staining her pure white hanky. Anger rises in me. Elspeth and I have had a few conversations about bringing her mother to Beginning so our doctors could examine her. But Ailith refuses to go, and Elspeth will not go against her mother’s wishes. And being the ‘fixer’ that I am, it is a hard pill to swallow.

“Alister.” Her eyes drop to her hankie as she carefully folds it, blood spots on the inside of it, and tucks it back in her apron pocket. I’m just staring at her, waiting for her to mention it, to address the elephant in the room, but she sweeps it aside like it’s nothing. “Elspeth,” her eyes lock back on mine, “will need someone like you when I’m gone.”

I find myself blinking hard, several times. She was resigned to her fate. I nod my head as I look at her. I see that her eyes are tired now, but her gaze stays strongly locked with mine. I’m feeling the weightiness of her words, like a mantle being passed over and it’s terrifying and I feel honored. Yet devastated.

“I believe you to be an honorable man. At least I think you’re finally ready to be that man. The one you’ve been chasing after your whole life.” I almost choke, but her hand pats mine. “It’s alright son, maturity takes time, growth takes patience.” I look straight into her eyes but see no judgment for the life I’ve led. I believe she knows all my hidden secrets, yet I receive no condemnation.

“That’s about enough now!” I hadn’t even noticed Elspeth stepping around the tiny island, standing behind her mother with both her hands on her shoulders. She bends, gently kissing her mother’s cheek. Her skin is almost translucent, and Elspeth’s lips gently brush over her. She clearly knows the frailty of her mother’s body. It won’t be much longer.

This is the most Ailith’s spoken since I first met her. It’s like she willed herself to be strong so she could engage with me tonight. So, she could assess me and make her decision –was I worthy of her daughter? I’m in awe. I’m actually overwhelmed to tears. I cough a fake cough, brushing my hand over my face to wipe away the moisture building in my eyes.

It’s as if I’m among royalty. Ailith’s presence is but a breeze in the morning dew. A strong wind would definitely carry her away. But her spirit is booming like timpani drums. Calling me to be honorable enough to love her daughter. And, for a split moment in time, I question if I’m worthy. No! Truth be told, I’ve been asking myself that question from the moment I laid eyes on Elspeth and I'm terrified of the answer.

-

Elspeth stands, coming to the side of her mother. Dinner was superb but her mother is tired. Done for the night. Ailith’s chair scrapes against the pinewood floor as she scoots herself back enough that Elspeth can help her stand. I’d offer help but they’ve done this dance a thousand times. I’d only be in the way.

Ailith stops next to me, resting both her palms over my shoulders, mainly to steady herself. But I feel the weight. She’s a whisper of a person, feather light, but the gravity of her words tonight are pummeling me. She’s a friggin' powerhouse! I never realized something so tiny could hold such a punch.

Before dinner, she had a deeper conversation with me –when Elspeth stepped out to the garden to harvest her fall lettuce. Her words spelled out a little of the life Elspeth has had. Between a lost love and the tragedy of losing her father, she warned me that her daughter’s heart had been shattered and now was somewhat mended, but still very fragile. I knew about their passing, I assumed her heart would be fragile, but to hear it come from her mother’s own mouth, it really packed it home for me. Elspeth needed someone strong enough to shoulder her pain as she deals with her loss.

Ailith reminded me what a treasure Elspeth was. Not that I needed any reminders. And she out-right asked what my intentions were, but Elspeth reentered the room, causing our little conversation to die off. But her words shot straight into my heart, telling me that I had better not take this relationship lightly. And if that was my plan, If I couldn’t man up and be who Elspeth needed me to be –I should just F-off, walk away now and save everyone from inevitable heartache before things go too far. She threw no punches –that didn’t hit her mark.

-

The two of them are quietly talking in Ailith’s bedroom. I stand, leaning against the door frame, spying on them. Their words are so soft that, even here, I still can’t make out what they're saying. Ailith sits, looking into the mirror of an antique dressing table while Elspeth removes bobby pins, allowing her mother’s thin, silvery braid to uncoil from the top of her head. It drops past the seat by several inches.

Quietly, skillfully, Elspeth fingers through her mother’s braid, allowing the hair to be set free. It’s willowy, but wavy from being in a tight braid all day. After several brush strokes, Elspeth quickly re-braids it, but leaves it hanging, opposed to having the coiled basket-like bun at the top of her head.

It’s so precious. The way they are with each other. Their smiles never fade, they just change shapes, from full-on grins –with laughter, to shy smirks. You can’t miss how their mannerisms match so perfectly. And you know without a doubt that they are each other’s closest friend. It scares me to think how lost Elspeth is going to be when her mother leaves this earth. The gravity of that strikes me like a lightning bolt through my heart.

I can see the boulder quaking at the top of the hill, teetering, readying itself to start down the steep embankment. Elspeth’s world will soon be flipped upside down, the boulder will inevitably roll over her, and - between her mother’s passing, her leaving the only place she has ever called home, and stepping into a world she has no concept of - she’ll probably be so devastated and overwhelmed, to a point I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to protect her from. And I worry I’ll find myself standing, completely unprepared, watching as her own emotions bowl her over, not having a clue what to do.

Elspeth shifts, catching my attention. I take a sharp breath and quickly step back from the doorway, just far enough that she doesn't notice I’m there. I’m leaning against the wall, my heart racing, my breath shallow. The weight of it all is almost suffocating me. I’ve never been that guy - the one who’s there when a woman’s emotions take over them. I had no sisters, and any women that have been in my life… Well, let’s just say that I’ve had no experience because I’ve never stuck around long enough to care.

My eyes shut tight, and I can’t believe I’m considering bolting. Sweat is beading up on my forehead and right above my upper lip. This is ridiculous, my nerves are on high alert to the point I’m slightly trembling. I friggin' have no idea how to be in a relationship, let alone one that’s on the precipice of crumbling into dust before it even has a chance to become anything.

What’s the matter with you! You’re such a dick! Man up for god’s sake. I can’t believe that I’m warring with myself. Isn’t Elspeth worth any friggin' thing that might come my way? You know she is! You’ve never been around a woman who’s so amazing. You’d be a royal dick if you didn’t jump through any hoop to have a chance to be in her life.

I rest my head against the wall, take in my surroundings, and breathe in deeply, bringing my heartrate back to some form of normalcy.

I could do this!

I want to do this!

I need to do this!

-

When Elspeth comes back into the main living area after putting her mother to bed, I’m standing at the kitchen sink washing the dishes. That was after I went to the pump outside and filled two plastic tubs with water and warmed one up on the stove. Which I had to make a fire for.

It’s crazy, the simplicity of working harder to meet your needs is a very satisfying feeling. I can’t quite explain it. I lived on a farm, well, a dairy farm. But even there, we had all the modern conveniences. This way of living has really been stripped down to the bare essentials to sustain oneself. And - strangely enough - it helped ground me, reining my thoughts back in.

There’s a real sense of belonging, a connection to the earth that you don’t have on a day-to-day basis. It’s weird, but I can see why she doesn’t want to leave it. This place is more of a nirvana than Beginning is. I’m sure there are a lot of challenges too. Winter must be harsh. But there’s an underlying current of solitude, peace, even belonging, that flows freely here. It’s spiritual.

I feel Elspeth’s hand slide up my spine, resting on my shoulder as she leans her head on my bicep. “You don’t need to be doing this. I didn’t want you to work. You’re here as my guest.” Her voice is smooth, floating over me. Her hand continues to move slowly up and down my back as she purrs that she wants to spend some time with me.

I twist my head, looking down at her. I only see the top of her head, her beautiful auburn hair still smells of fresh air, but now also of a deliciously cooked meal. It’s life. And it’s beautiful. Her head tilts back as she looks up at me. Her lashes flicker like she’s gazing into the sun. She makes me feel like a god. She makes me feel like there isn’t anything in this world that I couldn’t accomplish with her by my side. And likewise, she exudes quiet confidence that she too could take on the world, as long as I was at her side. I’ve never felt this complete, and yet utterly stripped to my core.

She reaches over, grabbing a towel, starting to dry the few dishes on the drying rack as I finish the large cooking pot. We’re domestic. It feels so good. It reminds me of my Ma and Pa. They were like this. Almost every evening, standing side by side at the kitchen sink, washing and drying. Quietly talking, leaning into one another or softly swaying back and forth. Pa always put on an old record from his vast collection. Their favorite was an old guy named Jim Reeves. It was a daily chore that they made out to be like a date.

I used to tease them when I was a teenager, telling them they were gross. They’d just laugh it off. But now I know. I get it! This feeling, this connection of being near one another, doing mundane chores… relaxed and in love. This was the cornerstone for their good marriage. And now, I found myself envious of their relationship. It was becoming tangible, something that I was reaching for… dare I say, hoping for.

I use my peripheral vision to glance over to her. She’s humming a little tune that I can’t place. And there’s a soft smile across her face. Those rich, luscious lips that I need to kiss again are too tempting. As if she can sense me watching her, she lifts her chin, grinning at me. “What?” She tilts her head. I blink hard. My brows furrow in question. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I let out a low laugh. The last thing I want to do is to wake Ailith, so I quiet myself. “Can’t I just enjoy looking at something so breathtaking.” She leans over, bumping me, shoulder to shoulder. I don’t budge but she sort of ricochets back off of me. “What you are is too dang strong.” Her palm smacks against my bicep.

My head turns, followed by my body as my knees bend so I can look directly into her eyes. “Would you want me any other way?” My eyebrows raise, a smirk falls onto my face. “Who said anything about wanting you?” “Ooh…” I stumble back a step, my hand clenching my heart. “Oof, that was a direct hit. Pretty sure you just slayed me.”

She wipes her hands with the dish towel before she answers. “Maybe a little mouth to mouth resuscitation is in order.” She leans closer, her eyes are traveling over my features as if she's memorizing my face. My eyes obediently follow hers. Our mouths are only a soft breath apart. I heat up. I can feel her, taste her. God, I want her.

My hands are still a little sudsy, but she doesn’t seem to care. She takes hold of my wet hands and guides them to wrap around her waist. I’m still bent towards her, still level with her face, still barely an inch away from her mouth –that my eyes are now intently focused on. My bent legs part, only enough to pull her closer to me. With my arms wrapped around her, I have to shift to make space for her so our bodies can be touching. I feel her fingers massaging the back of my neck, working up into my hair.

My eyes close at the same time as I feel her lips, just grazing so softly over mine. I want to open my eyes, to see her next to me, but I love the sensations of feeling her so close to me. Her shallow breaths are warming my cheek now, as she whispers that she’s so glad I’m here. A soft kiss on my cheek follows her words before she shifts, lightly biting my earlobe, telling me we should take a walk, before the sun totally sets.

She lingers there, just beneath my ear, resting along my neck. Soft pecks tickle my sensitive skin there. My mouth is enjoying its own little excursion, mouthing over her cheek and kissing her hair that smells natural, spring sunshine and fall air. “Maybe we can still catch the sunset.” Her one arm drops as she reaches for my arm, taking a hold of my hand, lacing her fingers through mine and I close over her delicate fingers, holding onto her like I’ll never let her go. The sun sets so late now that it stretches the days out, so we hope we can still catch it.

My other arm wraps around her waist as she spins, fitting easily under my shoulder. Her head leaning into my chest. It’s a perfect fit. We were made for one another. I've been around strong-willed women, but when it came to seducing, I've always been the seducer. I've never allowed myself to be open and vulnerable in that way. But with Elspeth, I'm an open book, ready for her to consume me. Command me. Convert me to being her slave.

We step out onto the porch. The air is crisp. We both shiver, probably chilly from leaving the steamy kitchen sink. Our hands being warmed by the water and clean dishes. Her arm wraps around my back as mine pulls her in even closer.

“Maybe we should go grab you your shawl.” Her face nuzzles into my pecs. “I’m just fine. Maybe you’ll need to be my heater.” I pull her closer. “I’d love to be.” I pause, trying to determine how much heat she can handle.

We’ve made our way to the river’s edge. She was right, the sun is just resting on the horizon, spreading its warmth and light all across the sky. It’s breathtaking. Right here, in this moment, I forget the havoc that it has raised all over the earth. Here, like this. It feels like a time ripped from the history books, a time when the earth was still vibrant and alive.

The river still flows, never tiring of its task. But the water shifts and glimmers with colors so vibrant, mere words can’t express as rays of sunlight skip and bounce off the moving water. This place is the polar opposite to where I was today. The vastness of the hilly, fully treed mountainside keeps everything green and lush here. You can see some areas that are affected by the disappearing ozone layer, but, so far, the shadowing of mountains, the plushness of the trees, and the riverbed all allow us to feel like everything is as it should be.

I turn to face her. Her hair is down again, laying softly along her back and over her one shoulder. My hand goes up, tucking back a stray caught by the breeze. We stand silently, staring at one another. Feeling like we’re living a dream and we’re the only two people in the world. All things fall to the side. Pretense is washed away, and we stand before one another exposed and splayed open.

Her eyes capture me. She reads my mind. She understands my every thought. She bores into my soul and warms me from the inside out. She raises up on her toes, so her mouth is next to mine. And I don’t hesitate. I take it and enjoy it. Maneuvering my tongue skillfully in and around her mouth and she moans, quietly. The soft sound of her vulnerability shoots me off into outer space.

I want more… so much more, but I’m afraid to ask for it. Instead, I slip my hand just under her blouse. At the small of her back. My thumb creates circles against her soft skin. She shifts to be closer to me, so my hand rises, palm flat against her back. There is heat there and I slide it up higher, pulling her closer into me. She must feel my want pressing hard into her stomach. She must know what I need.

Her mouth captures mine and I devour her. Her moans are a symphony, bringing me to tears. I never cry. Yet, this woman has opened the floodgates. Her hand slips between us as she palms my shaft. I grunt. Yeah, a deep, low grunt and she giggles at me.

I pull back from her, her face is glowing. I slowly move over the softness of her curves while she’s still pressing her palm firmly against me. We smile. Our eyes and facial movements are becoming our own way of communicating. She wants what I want. With her silent approval, my fingers quickly unfasten her bra as my hand slips to the front of her blouse, taking a hold of her.

“Oh God!” My breath escapes me. Her skin is so warm. Even though she has goosebumps on her arms, her body is burning for me. My fingers rub over the pebbled hardness there and she squeezes me harder. I almost crumple to my knees. Groaning, wanting to take her here and now. But how? I’d be fine laying in the grass, but I’m a barbarian. I’d take her anywhere… anytime.

Both our heads snap towards the cottage at the same time. There was a loud crash. Something broke. Her mother must have gotten out of bed and fallen. Our arms drop simultaneously as we both book it, running back to the cottage.

Even though my legs span much farther than Elspeth's, she still beats me and is already inside the door screaming. I step up, being right behind her. Her mother is laying sprawled out on the living room floor, their floor lamp has toppled over, the base is busted but surprisingly the light is still on as it rests on the shade that’s laying kiddy Wampus on the floor.

Elspeth is over her mother faster than I could let out a gasp. Her head is down, listening against her chest as her hand is automatically grasping her thin wrist, checking for a pulse. “Is she alright!?” My words sound hollow, but I don’t know what else to do. I find myself wanting to kneel beside her yet I’m frozen as I try to determine if this was it. Has she passed?

Tears are flowing heavily as Elspeth looks at me. “Her heart is still beating, but I don’t know what happened.” Her hands move swiftly over her mother’s limp body. They’re trembling. My hand goes up to Elspeth’s back, trying to console her without using words. I don’t want to distract her.

I see Ailith’s chest rise and fall with small, shallow breaths. It seems like an eternity, but it was all within a minute or so, when she finally opens her eyes, glaring at the two of us with a surprised look on her face.

“Where…” Her head turns, she’s trying to take in her surroundings. Elspeth answers the unasked question. “You fell Mama, you’re in the living room. What happened? Are you alright?” Ailith tries to sit up, but Elspeth chastises her, laying her palm over her mother's shoulder. “Stay put. We need to make sure you didn’t injure yourself.”

“I’m fine, I just lost my balance. Got the wind knocked out of me. That’s all.” Her hands are slapping Elspeth’s away. “I’m fine. Stop that!” She attempts another sit up, but Elspeth keeps her hand firm on her mother’s shoulder. I’m standing there like a useless piece of furniture. I don’t know how to help.

At my job I’ve dealt with hundreds of people, tripping over their own feet, or fainting from the heat or lack of food. People have pushed others, causing the whole line to tumble like dominos. I’m well trained to take care of and evaluate injuries in all kinds of situations. But now, right here, I’m paralyzed. I don’t know if it’s the reality that Ailith really doesn’t have much time left, or the reality that she’s still with us as a flood of relief washes over me.

I ask. “What can I do?” Elspeth looks up at me, her eyes –wide and afraid. She seems like she’s completely forgotten I was here. She’s scared. Terrified of the possibilities of what tonight might have been. She now is paralyzed. And it’s weird, but now my brain snaps into gear as I take over. My hand runs up and down Ailith’s legs, I feel over her hips, along her arms and neck, press against her gut. Nothing feels broken. I slip my palm behind her neck, wrapping my fingers around it and it all but engulfs her miniscule frame. She’s become so tiny.

“I’m going to help you sit up now.” She glares at me. “I can sit up by myself.” Her hand makes contact with the floor as she pushes herself up with my help while her other hand goes up to her head, pressing on it.

“Are you okay Ma'am? Does your head hurt?” “I’ve just taken a tumble, of course my head hurts, and my name is not Ma’am.” She glares at me while she tries to stand, wobbling way too much for my liking, so I support her, my arm wrapped around her waist as she leans into me. Even though she doesn’t want to admit it, she needs my help. A foot goes forward and she almost topples. That’s it, I’m not going to watch her fall right in front of me.

“Excuse me,” I say, without warning as I scoop her up into my arms. She slaps at me, but her eyes are shining as she grins. “I can’t remember the last time a man carried me to my bed.” She laughs. “Oh!” My brows raise. “Has this been a frequent occurrence?” “I’d bet you’d be blushing if I shared that information.” She leans her head into my chest. “I was quite a looker in my day.” “You still are,” I add. She slaps at my arm again. “Oh, you charmer you.” She giggles at her words and a smirk slides into place. “And a bald-faced liar,” she adds.

Elspeth isn’t nearly as jovial as her mother. She’s scared, her eyes are still like saucers and her mind is ten steps ahead of us. She quickly steps in front of us. She’s in no mood to joke around as she pulls the covers back, making room for me to lay her mother down. I know I haven’t earned the right, but I bend, kissing her forehead. Her arm comes up, resting over my forearm as a smile lands across her face and she silently thanks me. Her eyes are bright, and she looks at peace. I think I finally released the breath I’ve been holding onto.

Elspeth pulls up the covers and smooths them over her mother as she sits down beside her. Now that everything's settled, I move back into the living room, instantly feeling like an intruder. Glancing at my watch, I realize I'll need to leave before too long. Tomorrow will be here before I know it and it’ll be a full day. I hate that I have to go.

Elspeth’s place is a good halfway mark between my place and Topeka. I’d just as soon stay here on the couch –if there was a second bedroom. Well, obviously, I’d sleep with Elspeth if that was an option, but… unfortunately we aren’t there yet.

I sigh to myself just as Elspeth steps back into the living room. “Everything okay?” She comes around the couch and sits beside me. Her eyes hold worry as she opens her mouth to speak. “I’m sorry about all of that.” Her eyes are now searching mine. Shoot! She probably thinks I was sighing because of what didn’t happen between us. “No, it’s all right.” I rest my hand on her forearm. “I just realized I need to leave soon, and I don’t want to go, that’s where the sigh came from.”

Her head drops heavily against my chest as her arm snakes around my body. My hand caresses her hair and runs down her back. We both feel the heaviness between us. She’s grappling with the inevitably that one of these days, her mother won’t be alright. And yet, I know she wants this. Whatever this is that’s going on between us.

I so desperately want to ask her. If I only knew for sure how she felt for me, it would make things so much easier. I hate the unknown. Truth be told, even if she wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship with me, I would still come. I would still help as she needed. She can’t go through this alone. That I know for certain. Am I growing a heart?

We walk, arm in arm, out the front door, over to the porch swing. Both dropping onto it in sync. This little detour is only delaying the inevitable but it's so difficult to pull myself away from her. My mind has already been playing out a scenario that would have her and her mother at Beginning, with me. I’ve worked out all the variables, it’ll be an easy transition. I’d make sure of it.

She’s quiet. Her head leans heavily against my shoulder as my arm snakes around her, pulling her closer to me. We’ll have the talk. If I explain it to her, I’m certain she’ll understand it’s the best solution. But for a few more minutes tonight, we’ll rest in each other’s arms.