Is This What Friends Are For?

At the end of the day, I’m closing out tabs and finalizing tomorrow's orders. Kendal, Cavalry, and Decker have cornered me. I looked between the three of them, realizing this is an intervention. They’ve had it with my grumpy, irritated, attitude I’ve been carrying around with me for the past few days. And clearly, they’re about to lay into me.

I lean back in my chair, at least I have my make-shift desk standing between them and me. A sly grin slips into place, I can’t help myself. As menacing as they try to present, I know they’d stand by me even if I flew off to Mars. We’ve become more than a team, we’re family.

My legs stretch out, my arms raise and my finger’s lock behind my head as I rest against my palms, bracing myself for my lecture. Yet, trying to remain cool and confident. Doesn’t matter, they see right through me. “Boss!” The look on Kendahl’s face is priceless. Clearly, he’s concerned about my welfare. “This is getting ridiculous!” His voice is booming and ricocheting off the narrow trailer walls. I don't flinch. Don't show any weakness.

“Al,” his tone shifts. “Listen, you know as well as we do why we’re here. Something has to change.” He looks over to the couple joined at the hip before he continues. But I cut him off, “I'm not sure what you're talking about.” I'm at least going to try and feign ignorance. It's worth a try.

“You’re driving us all mad!” Calvary jumps in, she’s never one to beat around the bush, and I think because she’s the only woman in this mangy group, she thinks she has to push harder to be heard. Decker turns around, grabbing the two folding chairs leaning against the wall while Calvary sits in the one chair I have across from my desk.

This trailer is as wide as my old Ford F-150 so the three of them line the chairs up seat to seat and the two guys bookend Calvary, squeezing their large bodies together thigh to thigh. “You aren’t going to brush us off anymore. What the heck happened? Al, you’re wired so…” Kendahl leans forward, placing his palms hard on my desk. But Decker finally speaks, cutting off Kendahl. “Open up or we’re not leaving here.”

All of a sudden, it’s a free-for-all as they're barking at me and trying to talk over the others. My hands drop from behind my neck and go up in the air, surrendering to their requests and asking them to just shut up.

Calvary leans forward now, her hands are still clasped together in her lap, but her eyes look into mine. I see the concern lying behind that glare. “We care for you. Why else would we be here?” “Hey,” I shift forward now. “Guys, I know you do. And…” I let out a ragged sigh. “I know I deserve a talking to; I’ve been a bit… let’s say –agitated lately.” All three of them cough out loud, turning into huge, sarcastic laughter.

“AGITATED!?” Kendahl coughs up. Decker jumps back in. “Agitated? Boss! We could handle agitation all day long. You are a lot further out on that scale. Agitated is a distant relative to what’s going on with you. Let’s try a hot poker in the eye, that sums it up much better. Now, tell us what’s going on!” He leans to his side, wrapping his arm around Calvary, instantly melting into her. “We’d still like to get home before we have to be back here in the morning. So quit wasting our time and dump it already!” His words end with him kissing his girlfriend on the cheek. They’re so F-ing annoying!

I scrub my calloused hand over my face, feeling the sharpness of my five-o-clock shadow as I scratch over it. I straighten, glancing across the row of colleagues, friends, family. A combination of all three. Looking each one of them in the eyes. “This is…” I look up to the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts. “This is hard to share, that’s why I haven’t said anything.”

“Does this have to do with that woman you won’t talk about? Does she still have you in a vice? That doesn’t seem like you, letting a woman grab hold of your balls like this.” I turn towards Kendahl; my irritation starts boiling up. I have no right to be upset at him. Yet, I don’t like him talking about her that way, but what should I expect? I haven’t painted her in the greatest of lights. He knew we had a big fight. Not to mention, he’s seen me with enough women, and knows I would never, ever get in this type of a situation.

“It isn’t like that with her.” I finally admit, my gaze is now looking at the smooth stainless of my make-shift desk. Only my tablet sits on it. There’s nothing in my office that would make it personal to me. It’s temporary, always moving from place to place. Pretty much the same as I’ve been living my life since I arrived at Beginning. Not fully settling in, not putting down any roots. I like my place, I’m cordial with most of my neighbors, (all but Tawny) but I haven’t fully settled myself, because I always feel restless, and I don’t know how to knock that feeling.

I look over at my friends and I’m thankful for them. Kendahl and I went through the ranks together, we met on both of our first days of our training, after the relocation process. He lived in Thunder Bay, but on the other side of the city, the side where middle-class America lived. I lived out, way out –farm country out. We’re different in so many ways. Yet we have the commonality of being Canadian that’ll always define us.

I stare him down, trying to curb my anger away from him because he doesn’t deserve it. The reality is… he grew up and I didn’t. I’m finding myself mad at him only because I’m actually mad at myself… and a little envious. He’s only a year and a half older than me but he got himself a great wife and they have a family. A happy, well-adjusted family. And all I’ve done is play the field.

He’s given up on me ever settling down. He’s told me time and again that I’m like a broken record, constantly repeating the same pattern, finding fault in any woman I’ve ever been with. I know he’s my best friend, but I also know he’s had it up to his earlobes with my lack of… well, of anything. So, he just quit trying to fix me up, set me up, talk me through any relationship that’s gone past three weeks… All in the hope that maybe I could find what he has.

I finally try to get out of my head and focus mainly on him. “Her name is Elspeth.” My words come out in a heavy breath. It’s like a vault has been cracked open. I trust these guys. More than I trust anyone in my life, but this is still difficult to share. I’m breaking my own rules. Keep my personal life separate, even from my friends. I’ve never brought a woman to anything we’ve done outside of work. I fly solo, always have. That’s how they know me.

So, now I have to trust them to hold on to my secret, telling myself that I’m protecting them. If they don’t know what I’ve been doing, then they aren’t breaking any rules. Sharing with them puts them in danger. Beginning has very strict rules for a reason. Me, harboring citizens that should have entered BUD months ago is a real crime. Talking to my friends about my feelings for her is nothing compared to getting them involved with what I’m doing.

“I’ve been doing something…”

“Something?” Decker asks. My eyes pass over Calvary and look at Decker. “It’s not… I mean, I’ve been breaking my own rule… the thing is, it’s not just my rule… God! I’m… uh, I didn’t want you guys involved.” I look at each of them again. “I’m uh, not just breaking a rule, I’m breaking BUD rules. God! I can’t believe it! And I didn’t want to get any of you into trouble if anything…. happened.”

Kendahl shifts in his tiny folding chair, making the legs screech over the floor. He murmurs under his breath about flimsy workmanship or some crap like that. His discomfort distracts my racing mind, and a small grin slips into place. He’s always too big, too tall, too… much. “Al! Since when have we stopped being a team? I thought we had each other’s backs?”

The three of them looked equally hurt by this as they all, almost simultaneously, shift to the edge of their chairs. I almost laughed out loud as all three chairs almost buckled from underneath them. They scoot back in synchronized movement before all of them land folded up on the floor.

“Guys, we do have each other’s back. It’s just… This is different. This is breaking the law. There are real consequences to consider here.” “If that was the case, you should have opened up to us.” Calvary has now mastered sitting at the edge of her chair, as she leans her elbows on my desk. “If we can’t trust each other, then who can we trust? I hope that if I had an issue, you’d all be there for me!”

“It isn’t that I doubted for one minute that you wouldn’t be there for me, I was just trying to…” “What!? Protect us? You’re our boss,” she let out a hot breath. “You're our friend, but definitely not our parent!”

Kendahl stood, did a quick pace around the 5 x 10 trailer, and then faced me again, slamming his palms on my desk. Calvary jumped. The thud was unusually loud. She shifted back, leaving the floor open for whatever Kendahl was gearing up to say. I shifted back in my chair and looked up at him. It was coming and I was readying myself.

“Listen bro, you need to come clean right now! We aren’t leaving this GD trailer until we have answers. Who is this woman to you, and what has you so tied up in knots? You didn’t do anything stupid like get her pregnant…” He glanced over to Calvary and Decker and then back to me.

“No! God No!” I slapped my palms down on my desk and stood, staring him down. Kendahl is glaring down at me; I feel the heat radiating off of him. He only has a handful of centimeters on me but sometimes he uses his height to his advantage, like stretching his limbs to be even more lanky than he already is.

“Just sit down! I’ll tell you everything. God you can be so annoying!” “Me! Annoying!?!” He turns to Calvary. “Do you have a mirror this bro can look into to see what annoying really looks like?” “Why the hell are you looking at me for!? What!? Just because I’m a girl, I carry a mirror around with me wherever I go!” What the heck!”

“Sorry,” Kendahl’s head hangs low, his eyes blinking hard. He hates when any female chews him out. He prides himself in being a perfect blend of chivalrous and a true-blue feminist. His wife taught him well. I liked her from the first time Ken introduced her to me. He slunk into his chair and Calvary punched his arm. He shirked, putting his hand on his bicep where she hit him, like it actually hurt.

“I’m breaking the law! Okay!?” I blurt it out and slink back down, shifting in my chair, trying to get comfortable. “I care about you guys. If this goes sideways, I need to know you’re all okay. Alright!?! Can you understand that?” Decker finally opens his mouth. He’s the quietest of our motley crew so when he opens up, it usually comes after everything is out on the table.

“Alister.” His arm comes from behind Calvary’s shoulders as he scoots carefully forward in his chair, trying to gauge how to distribute his weight evenly so he doesn't capsize it. Once comfortable, he clasps his hands in his lap. "If any one of us was doing something illegal,” he looks towards the other two, receiving encouraging nods from both. “And we didn’t tell you about it…” Calvary now puts her palm on Decker's shoulders while Ken is nodding his frickin' head off. This unity crap is almost becoming irritating. “You’d be fit to be tied! And you GD know it! So don’t pull this crap about keeping us safe.”

I let their words sink in, finally explaining everything to them, about how I met her, about her mother’s illness, and how I’ve somehow… possibly… probably, have fallen for her. I slip that in amongst information about their cottage and how serene it is out there. And how important it is to both of them that they stay until her mother passes. They sit slacked jawed. Eyes blinking –like deer staring into headlights.

“I’m sorry!” Decker shifts a little. “Could you repeat that one part you just breezed over, I’m positive I heard you wrong.” “Which part?” I look at the three of them feigning ignorance. Ken rolls his eyes at me. “Alright! You heard right. I think I’ve fallen for her, and hard. But we had a big fight –God, several days ago already and I’m scared to death that we’re through before we even got started.” “What!?” Calvary barks out. “And you haven’t called her or messaged or anything!? You just left her hanging?” “She doesn’t have a phone; there’s no way to reach her at her place.” I feel my reasoning should stand. Ha! Not with Calvary!

She shoves her chair back. We all cringe at the screeching sound it makes scraping across the floor. She stands, now leaning heavily over my desk, smacking my bicep with all her strength. That one really did hurt. “Ouch! What the…” “Boy you can be so stupid!” She was almost screaming at me. “How can you say you’ve fallen for someone and then just leave them hanging after a fight!? Who does that? Are you a twelve-year-old girl retaliating with the silent treatment?”

“I didn’t know what to do.” Okay, that sounded even more lame once it left my mouth. “So, you have no idea how her mother is?” Kendahl speaks softly. I really hate when he takes that gentle tone. I have no way of arguing with him when he goes soft like that in his fatherly tone. Plus, he makes me feel like one of his kids that has gotten into trouble. “No.” My reply comes out in a whisper. God, I was so stupid. I would be mad at myself if I were in their shoes.

“So,” Decker was going to get the last two cents in now. “For all you know, her mother could have already passed. This woman you’ve possibly, probably, fallen hard for; could have gone through that loss and losing you all on her own?”

My hands rake over my face and through my hair. “Shitte, I never even thought about that.” He keeps going. “For all you know, she could have left her cottage. Do you realize, my idiot friend, that you may never find her again?” My head drops into my hands as the reality of those words bowl me over. What kind of a douchebag am I? I wouldn’t put that question out there. I already knew the answer.

“My Dude! You need to get out there! And pronto!” Kendahl stood again and shoved himself around my desk to come stand beside my chair. His palm laid heavy on my shoulder. I couldn’t look up at him. “Come on… Al –Man up.” His words were so low they melted over me like hot lava searing whatever manliness I still had left. “Does it matter that I’m allowing them to stay out there?” I lift my gaze up to look at him, and then at the other two. “That’s the least of your problems.” Calvary stated. “You should be more worried that you’ve ticked her off so badly that she won’t take you back.”

“Is that a possibility?” I really wondered. I’ve never done female relationships. I’ve never cared if they’d take me back, I’d just move on to greener pastures. “Shitte, you have so much to learn about being in a relationship. Women are more than the sum of what’s between their legs A-hole!” Calvary is fuming now and the more I talk with these guys, the more I realize I really am a giant jerk. What am I thinking, trying to have a real-to-god relationship with such an incredible woman. Even though I don’t think I can sink any lower tonight, I decide to try and fend for my reputation and honor. “Hey! That’s not fair, that’s not what I’m about.” I sound so lame, even to my own ears.

“Really!” Calvary’s eyes were boring into me now. “Shall we pull up your track record? I can start listing the number of women you’ve put your penis into that’ll probably run us until morning, and those are only the ones I’m aware of!” My eyes drop. I have no defense. I’m a scumbag, pretending to be a nice guy. Shitte!

“If her mother has passed since you had your little ‘fight,’ there’s a very likely possibility she’s gone. That is what you should be worried about Dude!” Kendahl went back to his chair, shaking his head at me.

I looked over towards him, still reeling from the reality jolt I’ve just received. And then panic takes control. I jump up out of my chair. “She wouldn’t know where to go. Their whole town is evacuated. There’s nowhere for her… Oh god! What have I done?”

“You’ve acted like the douchebag that you are… That’s what you’ve done.” Calvary’s pacing back and forth, basically turning in circles. “And if she’s out there all alone… and you’ve left her there for days.” She blew out a ragged breath, raking her hand through her short bob. “Beg for mercy Dude. That’s your only hope. Although, I wouldn’t want anything from you after pulling that stunt. I wouldn’t care what our fight was about, the fact that you just bolted would prove to me how uncommitted you were to me.” “Wait! This isn't all on me. She’s the one who said we weren’t in a relationship?”

The look on Calvary’s face was pure irritation in all its glory. “If she said that to you, I’m positive it came in retaliation to something idiotic that you already said. It’s called protective deflecting.” My eyes roll. “You’re just making that up.” “Even if I am, you’re the one who left, you’re the one who didn’t come back to work through it. This is all on you!”

“I really am an A-hole.” My tone was low, I was low… so low. My friends were right. “I honestly don’t deserve a woman like Elspeth. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I should just let things lie. She doesn’t need me screwing with her life, she has enough on her plate.”

Ken came and squatted next to me now, spinning my chair to face him, my legs slid across his bent knees, making him wobble but he grabbed hold of my armrests to sturdy himself. His tone is sharp now. “Look me in the eyes.” I did as he asked. “Do you have real feelings for her? I mean… does it feel different –you know, being with her? –you know, in comparison to…” “Yes.” My single word floats out and I can’t believe my ears. I really do have feelings for her, not just lust, not just attraction, but - I think - honest to goodness, feelings for her. Is this what love feels like?”

“Then you need to go to her and talk this through. See where she stands. At the very least, apologize and try to make things right again.” He pauses, I’m sure just for effect. “And Bro, pray to any god who’ll listen that she hasn’t lost her mother and she’s still there.” I look at his warm eyes. This is how he always talks to his kids when they’ve done something wrong. God, he’s such a good dad, and husband. I was positive I could never follow in his footsteps. I’m pretty sure I didn’t get that DNA.

My gaze turns toward Calvary and Decker. She has her hand on his knee, his hand rests on top of hers, and they both are nodding like Bobblehead-dolls in agreement. I glance down at my watch. It’s almost eight-thirty. If I head out now, I could be at her place by nine-thirty –at the latest.

Kendahl smacks the arms of my chair with his palms and raises himself up. I’m startled as he practically spins me. “Go!” He yells at me, and I look back up at him and then over to the two Bobble-head twins. “GO!” They bark in unison. I get up, slap Ken on his back, walk over, kiss Calvary on her cheek, and fist bump Decker. He stands, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

“If she’s gotten under your skin, there’s only one remedy to cure that burning sensation.” My eyebrows raise. He gets it! He knows how I’ve been feeling. He leans in, whispering in my ear “you need to tell her,” and then he adds… “And –get yourself some.”

Calvary’s standing behind him now and she slaps his back. “What!?” He’s grinning at her smart-Alec smirk that takes center stage. “I heard that!” She barks. His arm snakes around her waist, pulling her into him as she stumbles, landing hard against his chest. “You know I’m right.” He speaks into her neck as his lips graze over her skin.

“Alright you two, head home, take it to your bedroom, or wherever it is you do it… just not in front of me please.” Ken lifts his arm, shielding his face. We all let out an exaggerated laugh, blowing off some steam.

The three of them stand side by side, waving me off, probably wanting to make sure I don’t change my mind. I drop my window, looking over at them, grateful to call them friends. I’m about to shift into drive but Calvary hollers after me, reminding me that I need to beg her for forgiveness for abandoning her. “You have no idea how that messes with a woman, having a man walk out and not hearing anything from him. Especially with her mother and being out there on her own.” Calvary’s eyes tear up, unwanted moisture begs to be released. Her hand swipes over her face as she clears her throat. “Dude. I love you, but you really F–d this up.”

I swallow hard, bow my head in shame, and have enough balls to ask that they wish me luck.

“You’re gonna need it.” Decker sends me off with. Calvary just shakes her head.

As I close my window, Kendahl reminds me to be humble and “for god’s sake, don’t be a total dick!” I shake my head at his parting words while giving him the finger as I shift my stick-shift into gear and speed away.