Absence Makes the Heart Grow Stronger

The closer I was to her place, the more my nerves were rising to the surface. Those three bozos had gotten me all pumped up, both in excitement, and in trepidation. But now, as the sun was lowering in the sky, and I was getting further and further away from civilization and deeper and deeper into the woods… I didn’t have a clue as to what I would say to her.

I never find myself in this type of situation, ever, because everything in my life is temporary. I don’t need to apologize, because I’m not in a relationship where someone can get hurt feelings. Any apology I throw at a woman feeling scorned is surface quality. No real meat behind my words. It’s just made my life easier. I then realized what an idiot man-child I am. I’ve never grown the Flack up.

I’m less than a kilometer from her cottage. It didn’t take me that long to get here, I’ve just been so wired up and my nerve endings are sending prickling pinpricks all over my skin. My feet automatically start walking in the correct direction, but my stomach and heart are still tied up in knots, waiting by my car. God! I don’t know how to do this. I also have no idea what to expect. She and I haven’t fought so I have no idea what kind of attitude she’ll have. Not to mention, I’m worried about her mother.

After being such an A-hole, obviously not caring about her or her mother, I don’t expect any welcome committee. I’ve really mucked this whole thing up. I won’t be a bit surprised if she tells me to turn around and not come back. And I wouldn’t blame her.

The place is eerily quiet. All I hear is the rustling of leaves, and the slow, steady movement of the river. A few birds are singing, otherwise, no one is around. My palms are sweaty, so I wipe them along my thighs. I haven’t been this nervous since I took Penny Welsh to prom, and that was an awful night.

I reach her cottage. There’s a soft glow beaming through the windows. It looks cozy, like something out of a kid’s picture book. God. My hands are trembling. I’m so screwed. I’ve arrived here with zero excuses so I'm at a total loss.

As I make my way up the three steps that creek from my weight, I pause. Her voice… I can hear her. She's talking. That’s a good sign. That means her mother is still –Shite! Alive. What a horrible thought. I’m happy she’s alive –what? So, I won’t be a royal dick because I baled on them? What’s the matter with me? I’m such a selfish bastard. I need to man up, start being responsible for my actions.

My fist raises, as I rap twice on the door. There’s some shuffling and then I hear her, just on the other side of the door. I’m standing only a handful of centimeters away from her. “Who’s there?” Her voice is still melodic, even though I hear a tinge of uneasiness in it. “Elle, it’s me, Alister.” There’s no movement. No reply. I knew it, she isn’t going to forgive me. And I don’t blame her.

My heart is racing, I can feel it in my temples as I rub my sweaty palms together. This was a bad idea, I should have just cut my losses and left her and her mother alone. The ache in the pit of my stomach that has taken up residence there ever since that night of our fight has reared its ugly head, tearing through me at the reality that I really may have blown this.

It’s been a good minute, neither one of us speaks. I feel like a friggin' bastard and I’m strongly debating turning on my heels and heading back to my car. I’m such a douchebag. How could I have left her like that?

I lean closer to the door. Panic has taken hold of me, and I start trembling. I can’t let her go without a fight. She’s too amazing, too much a part of me already. I need to make her understand that I didn’t mean what I said. “Elle, I’m really sorry…” I swallow hard as I realize I hardly ever say that to anyone. “Elle, can we talk?”

My palm is on the door, along with my cheek and ear as I strain to listen, not wanting to miss anything she wants to say to me. I can hear her mother speaking loudly at her, but I can’t make out if she’s encouraging this reunion or if she’s telling Elspeth to dump me.

After a few more minutes of silence, I give up hope, straighten, and drop my head into my hands. Tears are waiting for me to blink before they pour out. I press against the door one more time, apologize again, and turn to leave. I’m down the stairs and walking around the porch, when the door swings open. A strong beam of light cuts through the grayness, taking over the haze of the evening.

I spin on my heels, it’s like a spotlight is on me, and my heart stops beating. She’s taken a couple steps out and is now standing, hands resting on the porch railing. Her soft, wavy hair is resting all along her back and shoulders, and her cotton dress is literally floating over her body. But there isn’t that warmth I've grown so accustomed to; her features are schooled. I’m friggin' scared to death for words to come out of her mouth. It’s less than a 50/50 chance that she’ll forgive me.

I now feel my heart drop to my stomach as it starts churning. Neither of us speak, we just lock our gaze on the other. I swallow hard as I breathe out her name. Her eyes drop and then open slowly, she pulls in her bottom lip, lightly biting it. I’m busy taking in everything about her, her softness, her easy movements, she’s all I’ve ever wanted, and I am sure I’m about to lose her.

My feet move me closer to her, I’m now standing beneath her at the railing. “Oh Elle…”

My words swirl around us as those irritating tears stream down my face. She looks tentative and I hate it. I hate that I put that look on her face. “Elle, I’m so so sorry.” My eyes can’t turn from her, she has me in her spell, mesmerized by her beauty. Yet, tonight, I see it. The tightness in her face, her eyes have lost that trust they always had in me. My words do nothing to soften her features, and I realize I’ve screwed this up so royally.

“Elle… This is all my fault. I know I don’t deserve it, but would you…” I choke on my words as I realize I’m pleading for my life here. “Elle, could you see it in you to forgive me?”

All of a sudden, she turns from me and my heart - that had just raised back up - has once again plummeted… Until I see her going towards the stairs instead of back into the house.

Three long strides, and I’m at the steps. She comes down one and I head up two, meeting her. We’re eye level and my hand instinctively goes up to rest at her cheek. She leans into it just as my other hand rises, palm side making impact with her other cheek. Her head tilts, and I take that as an invitation as I come in, resting my lips so precariously over hers. I wait, still a little unsure if she’ll accept me.

She breathes out deeply, my name on her lips and that’s all I need. I’m devouring her as she wraps her hands around my neck, her fingers snaking up into my hair, and I’m lost in her. She pulls back, looking into my eyes, her fingers still grasping my head and she smiles at me. Her eyes are literally sparkling for me, her features soften, and I start kissing all around her lips, tasting her once again, refamiliarizing myself with her scent and the feel of her.

My hands are at her waist, running up her ribcage. She’s smaller than the last time I was here, and I worry she hasn't been taking care of herself –hasn’t been eating properly, and I pull her closer, wanting nothing more than to hold her, protect her, love her –because a sickening bile is rising in my throat, I’m the biggest jerk known to man. Making this perfect woman worry is a crime worthy of punishment… of the death penalty. I swear a solemn oath to myself, there on the steps of her little cottage, that I will never let her down again. I will learn to rise up and be the man she deserves.

I grip her waist tighter, and she hops up as she wraps her legs around my waist, her cotton skirt buckling and folding around her thighs and I can feel the heat of her pressing against my groin, and I growl. She giggles near my ear and the feel of her breath against my skin there makes my hands squeeze her thighs so tightly she now moans into my ear.

I’m on fire. And I’m growing with desire for her. Literally, growing in size by the second. All the nights I’ve dreamt about her, hand jobs being my only relief from the aching she’s made me feel, and now I have her in my arms.

I step down the two steps I was on and walk her over to the side of the cottage as I push her body up against it. She gasps and we both laugh. We haven’t been this hungry for one another. In the past we’ve tried to be careful, there hasn’t been an appropriate time to let our emotions run wild. But it seems neither of us wants that anymore and I take liberties that I wouldn’t have dared before. It’s true, absence does make the heart grow fonder, and desires burn like a raging forest fire.

Her head raises, exposing her amazingly long neck and my lips are there, nipping, kissing, tasting, sucking all while she’s letting out these quiet little moans. Sounds that make me crazy wild for her. I kiss further down her neck, to her collarbone, and she pushes against me, shifting herself up higher and that pressure against my groin has me at full mast now and she slightly grinds herself against me, seeking her own relief.

My lips travel down past her collarbone, to the soft curves of her breasts. Without any effort, her cotton skirt easily slips lower so I can get my lips where I need them to be, and she presses harder into me. Her moaning is continual now and I palm her thighs and firm buttocks.

Her hands finally free themselves from running through my hair and up and down my neck as her palms press against my shoulders. I don’t want to stop, I don’t know if I can stop at this point. But, I pull back, realizing she’s trying to slow things down.

Our breaths are heavy, our hearts pounding wildly out of our chests and I look her in the eyes. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. “Oh Elle…” Her name comes out of my mouth smooth as honey as her hand cups my face. I lean into it, wanting and needing her touch. My body is writhing in a hunger that I desperately need to satisfy, but I know we can’t go there, not yet anyways.

She keeps her other hand resting against my pec, holding me at bay. Her back pressing solidly against the cottage wall. Our gaze hasn’t left the others –until she finally blinks a slow blink that’s so sexy my body trembles.

“I’m so sorry.” Her words reach my ears, and I snake my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me. I need to have her close to me. I wasn’t looking for her apology, she didn’t do anything wrong, I was the one to overreact, but to hear those three sweet words, it just melts my heart.

I kiss the top of her head as she’s nuzzled down against my neck. And I whisper that everything was my fault and that I am so sorry for taking so long to return. Her body starts shaking as she is now sobbing against me. My one hand pulls her head against me, the other pulls her body closer. I can’t get her close enough and I feel destroyed for knowing I was the one that brought this on her. I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.

After some time, she pulls back from me, releases her grip from around my waist, and slides down my body as her hands glide over my pecs, landing firmly against my stomach. It probably isn’t meant to be like that, but as her eyes stay on mine as she slides down the whole length of my body, she’s so seductive that the ache inside of me is ripping through me, tearing me to shreds. I don’t know how much longer I can refrain from having all of her. I need to taste her, to be inside of her, to have her own all of me. Not just emotionally, or mentally, (which she already does) but physically.

Tears are still spilling out of her eyes, and my thumbs are wiping at them, trying to calm her down. Her chest is moving in and out with full sobbing breaths and it’s now breaking my heart. My heart hasn’t ever experienced this kind of workout, and I have no idea how to handle what’s happening. I feel like the Grinch, gaining a heart for the first time in my life and the massive banging against my ribcage literally feels like my heart is growing in size to accommodate these feelings I have for her. I guess absence also makes the heart grow stronger.

I bend my knees so I can be face to face with her. My fingers glide over her forehead and down both sides of her cheeks, shifting strands of hair and tucking loose curls behind her ears, all while I tell her everything is okay now and ask that she stops crying. She giggles a little and swipes her hand under her nose.

My hands are cupping her face, my eyes looking her over, reminding myself of her beauty. “I thought – y-you’d never –c-come back.” She finally breathes out, immediately followed by a deep sob.

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’ve been a real…” I trail off and lift her face, placing my lips over hers once again. She gasps into my mouth and I’m on fire all over again. Tears pouring out of my eyes.

Elspeth’s hands follow along my arms, coming to land at my hands, which are still cupping her face. She gently pulls on them and we break apart. “Come inside, Sit with me. Talk to Mama, she was worried sick.” My head drops. The weight of the colossal jerk I’ve been is heavy on me as the reality of my selfishness is overtaking me.

Without any more words, Elspeth takes hold of my hand, lacing her fingers between mine, and leads me to her cottage. The screen door slams behind me, jolting Ailith. Her mouth gaps and then stretches into the widest grin. “I knew you’d come back!” I let out a laugh of release. I was expecting a war with her –for hurting her daughter, I was sure there’d be a penance. But I don’t think there’s a mean bone in her body. I release my grip from Elspeth, and stride over to Ailith, kneeling beside her as she sits in her rocking chair by the warmth of the fire.

My hand takes hold of hers and her eyes burn as bright as the flame reflecting in them. Her other frail hand raises and pats gently over the hand holding hers. “I had faith in you.” She leaned forward, whispering in my ear. “More faith than I had in myself,” I replied –with all honesty.

“You young folk are too wired up. In my day, we didn’t have the luxury of getting hurt feelings, we needed to make it work. Period!” I nodded, feeling a little chastised. I deserved a lot harsher treatment than what either of them were giving me. Her eyes lifted from mine to Elspeth’s. “I told you deary, I told you he’d come back to us.” Her voice sounds so frail. Raspy. Breathy. It shook me to hear how weak she sounded. Her eyes came back to mine as she patted her wafer-light hand over mine. “You had us a little worried. Ellie was sure you wouldn’t…” “Mama! That’s enough!”

Elspeth comes over, resting her hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her, her face was red and blotchy from all her crying. God, I felt like a real heel. I didn’t deserve their forgiveness. The fact that I went almost a week, leaving them out here with literally nothing! I should be lined up and shot. That’s what I deserved, not tenderness and tears!

After the thorough beating I gave myself, the three of us talked for a while, as I continued to ask over and over again if Ailith was doing okay. She answered, over and over again, that she was fine. I had been squatting on the floor beside her rocker, Elspeth standing over me while we talked to her mother. My legs were dead so I dog-style went on all fours and shifted myself until I was in a standing position and raked my palms over my thighs. I chuckled at myself.

I looked over to see Elspeth grinning, beaming at me. She had enjoyed watching the two of us. Her mother and I. And that felt good… really good. I honestly liked Ailith. I smiled back at her, so grateful to have the ability to see her smile again. I had been so scared, unsure how this would go, but now, the relief has melted over me and I’m feeling a little more confident.

I bend, placing a soft kiss on the top of Ailith’s head before I walk over to Elspeth, slipping my arm over her shoulder. Her arm slips so easily behind me, her fingers curling into my shirt at my side. I’ve noticed she likes doing this, holding onto me, claiming me. I’m okay with that. I like feeling possessed.

She looked up at me from underneath my arm, asking if I was hungry. I was starving but I didn’t like the idea of losing bodily contact with her. Now that we were near each other, our chemistry was pulling us together like two magnets, desperate to stay connected. She shifted, patting my chest. “You’re hungry.” Her arm slipped down my back and hovered over my rear end before she gave it a little pat and slipped from under my arm, making her way to the kitchen.

“I just made a loaf of bread, and I’ve got some cheese. Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich?”

“Just a slice of that fabulous smelling bread and I’ll skip the cheese.” I pat my stomach. “Lactose intolerant.” “You should be able to handle this, it’s our aged goat cheese, very low in lactose.” She grinned at me, and I melted into my chair. “Sure, I’ll give it a try.” “We’ll just do a small piece, see how you react to it.” She answered, smiling. I thanked her but never took my eyes off of her as she flitted around her small kitchen.

-

I’d eaten. My stomach did fine. Ailith was put to bed, and Elle and I were resting side by side on the couch, staring out the window into the darkness. She leaned her head back and my arm went up over the couch as I rested my hand on her shoulder. “You’re thinner.” I quietly spoke to her. I didn’t know how women took being told they were less than they used to be. I knew better than to mention if weight fluctuated in the other direction, but I’ve never had a situation where the opposite was the case.

“I know.” Her words were but a whisper. “Were you ill?” “No…” There was a very long pause before she finished her thought. “I just didn’t have much of an appetite.” Shitte!

“Am I too arrogant to ask if I was the reason you lost your appetite?” “Well, not you specifically…” her eyebrows raised. “It was more…um, the absence of you.” My hand went to hers that was resting on my knee and I picked it up, bringing it to my lips as I grazed over her knuckles with feather-light kisses.

“I’m really sorry. I…”

“You don’t have to say it again Alister.” Her eyes were looking lovingly at me. “That night, I know what you said about me and Mama was out of concern. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. I got my hackles up over nothing, you were offering a way for us to be safe and for her to get the help she needs. I should have at least given you a chance…”

I couldn’t wait any longer, I leaned into her, my one hand wrapping up underneath her hair as I pulled her the rest of the way to meet my lips, which instinctively matched up to hers. She tasted sweet, from the apple we shared.

When our lips met, my muscles tightened, going on high alert. I wasn’t sure I could contain myself much longer. I needed to be with her. Desperately. My tongue slid between her welcoming lips, her breath quickening when I entered her mouth, and without thinking, I started pumping my tongue in and out of her mouth, pulling her head closer to mine, teeth grinding against each other’s. Now feeling the need growing inside my pants. All of a sudden, I felt her hand.

“Oh god!” My breath hitched as she cupped me through my jeans. Pleasure flooded through my system, waves of heat shooting through my body. My hand slipped up under her sweater and I felt the warmth of her skin, the softness of her breast, as she pressed herself into my waiting hand.

Before I knew it, she was sitting on top of me. Our mouths, never leaving the others. Both my hands were now moving up and down over her ribcage while her hands were at my shoulders, up my neck, and into my hairline. Her body grinding into my need as she seeked relief.

“Do you know how desperately I want you?” My words were pressed between our kisses, and she moaned a growling moan. And that did it for me. I was looking to unhook her bra so I could feel all of her when she scooted herself off my lap. My groin screamed out in pain and frustration. Until she reached out her hand for me.

Without hesitation, I took hold of it and stood, allowing her to lead me. Right now, I’d go anywhere with her. She went over to a cedar trunk that sat underneath the picture window and quietly opened the lid, not wanting to wake her mother.

She handed me a couple throw pillows, and she pulled out a blanket and a throw. Her hand took hold of my free one and she led me outside. I followed like a lost sheep. She turned back, her eye’s sparkling from the outside lamp, and encouraged me to follow. “Come on…” her soft words drew me further into her world.

It was dark, but the moon was full, and it shimmered against the swift moving river, casting rays of light across the darkened earth. We walked to an opening, just a little hill with trees wrapping all around it. A secret, hidden pasture. In silence, we laid out the blanket and pillows. She set down the throw and her hands began to lift off her sweater.

“Let me,” I whispered reverently. I needed to experience this, to unwrap her. My mind had been imagining her for so long, this had to be the full experience. As I slowly, methodically, removed each garment, I allowed my mind’s eye to sear her into the recesses of my memories. This night would be the best night of my entire life, what passed before, and whatever will pass after this moment will all pale in comparison.

Her body was heavenly. Everything about her, pure perfection. A shy smile stayed on her lips as she enjoyed me taking her all in. I bent, kissing over her shoulders and my hands sculpted the curvature of her body. She was soft and warm and taut where she needed to be taut. Her stomach and ribs were slightly muscular, along with her rounded shoulders and thighs. Oh god, those thighs.

I bent, kissing down her body right before she pulled me back up to her.

“My turn.” She grinned now as her fingers danced over my buttons with precision. In just a few moments, my shirt, pants, and briefs laid out over the blanket.

It was like the cork popped, because the moment the two of us were naked, we were at each other. I pulled her flush against me, my erection pressing hard against her stomach. Our bodies and lips were fused together as we melted onto the blanket. “Elle, you make me lose myself,” my words fell against her skin as my tongue slid down her body.

“Alister, I’m yours. All yours” Her eyes met mine, they blinked heavily. She was warm and caring and wanting and all I wanted to do was give her all that I had. Her gaze was burning into me. It was so full of love. I had never known that feeling.

Her hand raised as her palm cradled my chin and her finger brushed over my stubble.

“Alister.” Her voice was velvety smooth. “Hmmm,” I was already lost in her. “You aren’t going to break my heart, are you?” My hand raised to cup her face. “Never. I'm much more concerned with things falling the other direction because… Elle, you already have all of me.”

With those softly spoken words, we became lost in one another. The earth stilled, the waters raged, and we took our fill of one another. It was other-worldly. I had never in all my life, experienced something like this. I could have sworn that at one point I left my body. The connection we have is unexplainable. I’d never come so completely, and she cried out over and over again, telling me she needed me so desperately.

At our climax, which synced perfectly together, well, her final climax of many, many, –she told me she loved me. I reciprocated. I had been waiting to tell her, not sure how she felt about me, but the moment I knew she felt the same, I let her know what she meant to me.

We finally stilled. I was on the bottom now as she had her palms lying flat over my hairy chest. Her long waves of hair splayed out in all directions from my fingers grasping a hold of it. Several strands limply fell over her face, but she was all smiles. I lifted my hand, tucking them behind her ear as my palm rested against her cheek.

My hands now slipped down her rounded shoulders, to her forearms, and I allowed my thumbs to slip along her full breasts. Her eyes were dancing for me. She was happy, complete. I saw it there in the love she had for me. “You’re so beautiful. I just can’t say it enough.” My thumbs rubbed over her peaks. The cool air and our love making made them stand at attention.

“I think you’re beautiful.” She added, as her fingers went over my jawline, rubbing at my stubble there.

“Sorry it’s a little rough. I didn’t think about shaving after work.”

“No,” her fingernails lightly scratched over my chin and jawline and then went to her cheeks.

“I like the burning sensation; it’s a reminder of you and me being together.”

We just stared at each other. She, still on top of me.

“I know it’s way too late to ask about. But I assume you’re on the preventative. Right?”

Her eyebrows furrowed just slightly in question. “The what?”

“Are you on the preventative? Every woman takes it. Right?”

The look on her face told me she had no idea what I was talking about.

“Do you take anything for birth control?”

She smiled and then laughed.

“No. We don’t do that.”

“We?”

My eyes must have widened too much because she added to her answer.

“Women in this community don’t take birth control. But… Please, don’t worry. It’s fine. I never got pregnant with my first husband. I must not be fertile.” A wave of relief fell over me right before a cartload of sadness parked on my chest. We wouldn’t have children? Then I figured, with all the technology back at Beginning, we’d figure something out when the time was right.

She slid off of my body and the cool air brought me to a shiver. She curled, tucking herself next to me as we talked. Our conversation was about life and love and our future. Neither of us knew what that would actually look like, but our conversation tonight was about the what ifs. We both allowed our imaginations loose as we dreamt of a life together.

“Alister?” “Hmm?” My eyes stayed closed as I answered her. “It’s never been like this.” “What hasn’t?” I was still in a dream state, my eyes shut, my breathing and heart rate now slow. “Intercourse.” My eyes opened; my head turned towards her. “Intercourse?” She nodded. It was fairly dark out, we only were silhouetted by the moonlight, but I was sure her cheeks were on fire.

I shifted to be resting on my elbow so I could look down on her. Her hand raised; her fingers danced over my chest. My fingers started their own journey, over her curves and mounds. “I’m not sure what you mean.” She hesitated, getting lost in her study of me “Sex, it never felt…” her eyes batted open and closed from her embarrassment. “Hey,” my finger drew around her jawline and swirled over her cheek.

“Never felt what Elle? Did I hurt you?” “No… just the opposite.” “I know I’m daft when it comes to women, but I still don’t follow.” “Alister, I’ve never had an…” Her eyes shut tight. “Orgasm?” I asked. She nodded her head, her eyes still closed. “Ever?” I asked again, not believing. “Like never?” “Never by my husband being inside me.”

“Shite!” I dragged my hand over my face. I couldn’t believe it. “Can I ask what I did differently?” Her eyes were now locked on mine, her lips shifted into a simple smile. “Everything.” She breathed out excitedly. I let out a laugh. “Well. I mean… We all have the same equipment; can you be a little more specific? I don’t mind; I want us to be open about our physical relationship.” “I agree, it's just… we never talked about it. Jed and I. And I feel a little …” “Embarrassed ?” “No, just awkward because I don't know the correct terms.” She smiled up at me again.

“What you did to me… I mean, before you…um…” “Before I entered you?” She nodded. “Ohhh,” The lightbulb went off. “You liked that?” Her eyes widened and she bit her lower lip. “Yes.” A small, breathy yes came out of her. I grinned. “Good to know.” My hand swiped over her hair, falling down to her shoulder, and sculpting the rest of her body as my eyes followed what my hand was doing. “Did Jed… do that?” She was so precious, so innocent. “You mean…” My hand continued surfing over her body, landing right where I wanted it to be. “What about this?” She fell back, moaning. “God No!” Her body tensed, convulsed, and released. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

My fingers ran after them, drying her tears. Her eyes were bright though, full of love and pleasure, and contentment. “Jed went down on you, didn’t he?” Her brows furrowed. “Down on me?” I swiped my palm over my face. “Ate you out? Spent time in your lower regions?” She couldn’t look any more adorable, as her eyelashes lifted and dropped multiple times until she just shook her head no. I couldn’t believe it! I was blown away, why in the name of… wouldn’t her husband want… I just shook my head in utter confusion. His loss.

I took hold of her hand. “Elle, I was a madman tonight, desperate for you. I promise, things will be even better for you when I have a shred of control over my dick.” “Alister, tonight was everything. I’ve never felt so free, so much like a…” She paused. “Like a?” I asked. “A woman.” She breathed out.

“Oh god…” I groaned as my lips landed on hers, smashing into hers, claiming her. She purred beneath me as I took her to a place she never even knew existed, and we lived there until she was completely fulfilled. Her cries of pleasure echoed through the woods, ricocheting off the trees. It was the most beautiful symphony I had ever heard, and I was certain that I had never felt like a real man until this night, being with the woman I loved.

-

We had been lying side by side long enough that my arm fell asleep, so I twisted, leaning on my elbow, my fingers dancing over her goose bumped skin. “Are you cold? Let me grab the blanket.” I started to sit up, but she pulled my arm in her direction.

“I know of another way to warm up.”

I didn’t need a written invitation. I was all over her, in every sense of the word. Her body was divine. She laughed as my lips traveled down her body once again, chasing goosebumps away and her laughter wrapped around me, warming me. The more relaxed she was with me, the more experimenting she was willing to do.

The whole night was rhapsody. I consumed her as she called out her undying love for me. I had never been like this with other women, it had always been physical. Always. Only physical. But Elspeth reached so far into my soul and made me burn for her in the depths of my being.

Before I came again, she made me stop, just after she had come. My eyes were heavy, as were my balls. I needed release. She had taken me to the edge of myself and left me hanging.

“Did I hurt you? What’s wrong?” My eyes roamed over her as she shifted.

She just allowed a full teeth smile to land across her face as she pushed me back, flipping me (with my help) and crawled over my body. Oh, dear god… she’s gonna…

She rode me all the way to paradise as my body convulsed, crying out with a groan that was echoed by some passing coyotes. We both laughed as she crawled back up me, kissing all along my damp, relaxed body.

Her lips met mine before she slinked to my side, cuddling into me. Her fingers twirling my chest hair. My arm slipped under her head and I wrapped her up in my embrace.

“I could stay here with you forever,” Elle whispered in my ear as she nibbled lightly there. “Mmm, my sentiments exactly,” I responded as I turned to catch a kiss. “Right here,” I kissed her again. “And here.” “MmmHmm. Just like this,” she replied as she let me kiss all around her swollen lips. “Always.” “Mmm…” she raised herself above me just enough to look me in the eyes as she added. “And forever.”

Her eyes danced for me and my hand snaked behind her neck as I pulled her into me, my lips and tongue taking all of her, all while her small moaning sounds set a new fire in my groin. I was done for. I needed her! God, I needed all of her, always and forever.

It wasn’t too much later, and my appetite was back. She had been hazily in and out of sleep as we talked quietly with one another.

“I love it here.” She spoke softly.

“Who wouldn’t, I believe this place is magical, but that could just be because you’re here.”

“No.” She sat up, hugging her knees to her chest as she looked out, past the few trees peppering the edge of the river. The moon’s light danced over the slowly moving river. Every ripple. causing waves of light to float like ribbons moving across the flowing water. “This place is one of a kind.” Her gaze went somewhere, she was gone. Out there to a place I couldn’t go.

My heart was sinking with her every word. She was so much a part of this land; how will it all work out? How can she exist apart from this place? She was so firmly rooted to this land… thoughts about it consumed me. Not just tonight, but ever since I met her. I could feel the force, beckoning her to stay.

“I can read your thoughts…” She turned her face to look at me. The moonlight was silhouetting her body so perfectly. It was alabaster in this faint light.

“You can?” I huffed out a laugh as I shifted to be closer to her.

“Yes. You’re worried.”

“About what?”

“How this is going to work, how you are going to…”

“Feast on you again?” I couldn’t have this conversation with her. Not tonight, not now, not like this. My smile slipped into place, playful and full of mischief as I shifted myself.

“What are you thinking?” Her eyes started dancing, and her thoughts melted away. Tonight, it would only be about us here and now, in this moment, so I scooted to be by her feet. Her knees were still cradled in her arms. “I thought you said you could read my mind.” I waggled my eyebrows, and she giggled at me. Unclasping her fingers, I gently pried her knees apart.

She gasped and I took full advantage of her position. I needed to taste her again. I needed to know all of her. I felt like tonight we were determined to make up for every other night in our lives that we hadn’t been together. Our hunger was insatiable, our hearts, full to overflowing. This night stretched out before us, time standing still on our behalf, all so we could catch up, making up for lost time.

Her body accepted everything I wanted to do to it, and she laid open, arms splayed to her side, just like a ragdoll tossed on a bed. Her moaning continued long after I was done and I just kept grinning at her, thrilled to know I got her there… Again! And I loved every single minute of it.

I crawled back up along her body, lying beside her and, once again, like a magnet seeking connection, she slipped right into my side, hugging me.

“I didn’t know.” She whispered against my chest.

“Didn’t know what?”

“That it could be like this.”

“It? You mean sex?” I lifted my head but just ended up talking into her hair.

“Yes.” Her head twisted so she could see my face. She had tears in her eyes.

“Are you alright?”

“Alister, I’ll never be alright again.” I panicked at her words. “What!? Did I do…” She went up on her elbow, placing her finger over my lips. “Let me finish.” She whispered, I nodded. “Sex before was alright –but this, tonight… what we’ve done, what you’ve done to me. That’s some out of the world kind of…” Her hands went to her face as she hid behind them, embarrassed, peeking through her fingers at me.

She dragged them over her face and up into her hair, her fingers raking through the messy, tangled strands that were a product of my fisting it so much. And then, a boatload of expletives escaped her mouth, all while I was laughing so hard at her.

“Woe, you’ve got a sailor’s mouth on you.” I was still laughing. It was strange to hear those words. We can’t swear. Beginning forbids it, says it can contaminate our environment. But tonight –it was music to my ears. Her cheeks flushed, along with her ears and neck as she draped herself over me, one leg lying across my legs. Her arm stretched to its limit, wrapped around my ribcage, holding me tight.

“This is the best night of my life.” Her words were quiet, sweet, but filled to overflowing. I kissed the top of her head, pulling her closer to my side. “Tonight is the best night I’ve ever had and ever will have.”

“Don’t say that.” Her words were breathed against my chest.

“I just meant that…”

“I know. But we don’t want to jinx it. Don’t worry, we’ll make oodles of these nights… You and I.”

“Yes. We will Elle. Oodles and oodles.”

She giggled, hugging me tighter, and we quieted, with those thoughts running through our minds.

“I know it’s a selfish thought, but I’m glad I was your best lay.”

She shifted to look at me, her elbows pressing into my chest. “I’ve only ever been with my husband. But Alister, there is no comparison.” She leaned on her one elbow while her hand came up, cupping my face. “You, my dear man, are a god!” We both laughed and she crawled up me. Once again, her lips brushed against mine, in the softest, almost innocent, sweetest kiss. I didn’t kiss her back, I just relished the way her lips surfed over mine, nipping and tugging and kissing me.

Her breathing finally slowed, her eyes were heavy, and then she limply slipped back down my body, leaning heavily into me, resting just above my heart that was beating steadily for her. A few deep breaths, a few warm tears against my chest, and she’d fallen asleep.

-

I slipped my arm from under her head, replacing it with a pillow and then turned, resting on my elbow, watching her until my eyes started drooping. I couldn’t doze off, so I rolled to my back, staring up at the night sky, allowing my body and mind to absorb where I am, reminding myself who I was with.

Finally, after all this time, we were together, becoming one… Body, mind, and spirit. My body is still buzzing. I can’t sleep; my mind is too full of her. The taste of her still lingering on my lips.

My head turns towards her. She’s sound asleep, lying on her side, her lips slightly parted as her breathing is melodic and her tanned body slightly shimmers under the glow of a full moon.

God, she’s breathtaking!

Sex with her was like nothing I’ve ever experienced in all my life, and all it’s done is make me long for it again. Over and over. Sure, there was the raw lust, the hunger that was building inside of me, finally satisfied. But it was so much more than those animalistic desires being tamed. We reached one another. On a whole other plane. Our souls united. We were open and vulnerable. She saw me. Nobody ever has seen me… not in the way she sees me. I’m not kidding myself. She owns me now. But still… I wonder. Could my life be like this? I don’t have the answers, but she makes me believe in us.

We shared those sacred, intimate words. I’ve never in my life reciprocated those dangerous words. Those words were trouble. Trouble that I wasn’t needing in my life. But tonight. Tonight, I would have climbed the highest mountain top to shout to the world my undying love for this woman. She could have me –all of me!

It’s all still so new. Uncharted territory. She can’t stay, that’s a given… but will she be able to leave all of this? It’s so much a part of who she is. Could she adapt? Would she even want to? Is she even at a point where she can embrace the fact that she can’t stay? Every time the conversation lends to leaving here, she switches gears, changes the topic. Is she in denial of the inevitable?

Everything here feels rooted to the past, to the earth… the old earth. That’s the earth she’s rooted to, her hopes and dreams spreading deep into the fertile soil. Where my world - in comparison - is the polar opposite. East to West, never intersecting. I question, if I chase after her, will I ever reach her?

And then I allow my mind to think of what our realities will look like. Our day to day lives. I can’t kid myself; everything is going to be a challenge. I sigh a heavy sigh. No matter how much I reprimand myself, telling myself to stay in the here and now, I’m not that kind of person, I need all the variables to be looked at and addressed. I need to recalculate the options and find the best solution. Not to mention, I haven’t even begun to think about what’s going on at Beginning.

I wish I had more time… time to just live here, in this quiet place of solitude and beauty. Time to figure things out, both for us, and for the welfare of Beginning. I need to know she’ll –we’ll be safe living there. It's ridiculous to think that, since most of my thoughts have been unsubstantiated.

“Ugh!” My brain is too full, too many variables to try and iron out tonight. I try to quiet my mind. Can’t I - just this once - allow myself to bask in the moment –I don’t want to work it out, it’s all too much to think about as I lie here next to her. Too many unanswered questions that my mind struggles with letting go.

I stare up at the vastness of the sky. It’s different here. Raw. Unclaimed. It reminds me of home. Not my home now, but the home I grew up in. It’s untouched, unaltered. But this sky - here tonight - won’t last, whereas my sky will go on forever. The sun is rapidly burning off this sky, this land, and all its inhabitants. It’s just a matter of time. But even that reality hasn't really set in for her, and it makes me nervous about what lies ahead for us.

Things here are too similar to the way life used to be, when this old planet was healthy. This is still Elle’s reality; her life hasn’t been altered to adapt to the changing of our ecosystem. She’s basically been living in denial.

The conversations I’ve had with her about the health of our planet seem to just float over the top of her head. It’s not that she’s not intelligent. It just feels like she can’t go there. Maybe dealing with her mother and what lies ahead of them is all she can handle now. She’s even told me that having me here is even at the edge of what she can handle right now. So, I just sit back, allowing her to bask in the last remnants of the beauty this earth once held. Reality will catch up with her soon enough. Let her live in her innocence.

I shake my head and turn my gaze to look at her beautiful face as I take her all in. She’s what I want to focus on! So, I finally force my brain to shut down. I choose instead, to relish the way my body is feeling right now. Complete. Satisfied. Loved. Spent.