I'll Never Be the Same Again

It was late, more like early, when I opened my front door. Haywire was snoring so loudly the room seemed to be vibrating. He was belly up, head lolling over the side of my couch. I shook my head at him but left him sleeping. I was exhausted and I knew I only had about an hour rest before I needed to shower and get back at it.

I had left Elspeth covered and sleeping on her couch. I woke her just enough to kiss her goodbye, telling her I’d see her after work.

My body fell heavily into my bed. The comfort of the perfect mattress enveloping my aching body. God! I loved making love to Elspeth on the long grass in the grotto. But my body wasn’t used to the solid ground, and I was feeling the residual pains of going down hard on that woman. My knees were aching something fierce.

-

The alarm is blaring away as I’m scrambling to see where I put my phone last night. It’s on the end table, where I always put it, I’m just still in REM sleep - I’m sure of it because I can’t seem to keep my eyelids open. I shift, throwing my extra pillows off the bed so I can reach the screaming phone.

After blinking at it a hundred times, my fingers finally hit the button and there is instant relief. My legs swing over the side of the bed like lead balloons, but I take comfort in the routine of my life. In my line of work, routines are a must for me. It’s the simple things of my life that I use to tether me to reality.

Working outside of the safe and perfect borders of Beginning, you lose some of that utopian feeling. More of my day is spent on the other side of this nirvana, causing that world to constantly creep into my life. So yeah! Routine is a close friend of mine. I can always count on it, along with my solitude.

With that thought, I stand up, make my way to the kitchen, and wait for my coffee. I left Haywire still sound asleep. He’s such a good trooper when I’m gone. I felt bad for waking him up last night, so I’ll leave him be at least until I get a couple swallows down. Coffee needs to wake me up a little.

My cinnamon toast is toasting while I look at my messages. Hazel messaged me that the two of them brought Haywire over to their house yesterday afternoon, and he had a grand time. I laugh at her wording. Those two ladies are so fun-loving. I hope I’m not a tainted old bastard when I get near their age. I’d like to find some of whatever Kool-Aid they drink to help carry me into retirement. I know both of them have seen their share of hardships. Yet, they get up every morning with a smile on their face.

“Ha!” Who am I fooling? The last time I woke up with a smile on my face was probably when I was in fifth grade. Except for after last night. That certainly caused me to wake with a Cheshire Cat’s grin across my face.

“Mmmm, she makes me…” I wish I had a way to reach her. It’s so difficult to not be able to talk to her. I can’t wait until… I stop that thought. It’s the merry-go-round I continually get on. Elspeth coming to live with me means her mother’s passing. I drop my head into my hands as I sit on the edge of my island. “Too many variables.” I remind myself. I need to learn patience. And I absolutely hate that something I can't wait for is tied too tightly to something that will bring Elle so much pain, not to mention me. I’ve grown to love Ailith.

Haywire is still not budging, and I’ve finished my toast and coffee. I head over to him, plop down beside him, rubbing his belly kind of roughly. “Hey buddy, time to wake up.” He snuffles and snorts, like I’m waking him from the land of the dead. His large, droopy eyes start to widen as recognition falls over his face.

He shifts his chubby belly and gets to his feet, his front paws landing on my chest so his big snout can snuffle all over my face as he covers me in kisses. His little whinny sounds, making my heart happy. I wrap my arms around him and sit back, pulling him into my lap. He’s all wiggles though, as he keeps jumping up at me, trying to kiss every part of my face. It’s nice to feel missed… and loved.

After what I feel is a sufficient amount of time for cuddles and kisses, I carry him over to the patio doors, unlock and open them wide, and step outside –only to have him pushing himself against me, practically throwing himself out of my arms. I bend quickly, trying to keep him from plummeting to the ground. We both fall with a tumble but I’m laughing too hard at him to be mad.

Speaking of mad, he makes a mad dash to his pee pad. I forget –aging bladders need attending to. Especially first thing in the morning. I stay sitting, in the perfectly maintained synthetic turf. It’s been redesigned so many times; you can’t even tell it isn’t real grass.

Haywire zooms around the yard, happy to have me out there with him. Some days he’s like a puppy and I forget that he’s as old as the hills. I kind of hate that I have to go. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him this happy. I used to take him with me. He always loved coming along. He became our mascot. But he gets too tired now and I don’t like leaving him alone in my office trailer. It has air conditioning, but with the heat being what it is, it’s not the most efficient unit and I don’t want him getting overheated. So, he needs to stay home.

-

“Bye buddy.” My heart’s sunk to my stomach. Haywire is really giving it to me this morning. His sad face and teary eyes are killing me. All morning he’s been at my feet, following me around. I’m not sure what to make of it. But, I haven’t a choice, I’m already behind schedule.

Being the sap that I am, I blow him a kiss, reach down, grabbing hold of his favorite squeaky toy, and toss it towards him. He jumps at it, missing it by a foot, then steps over, taking it in his mouth as he sits back down, just staring up at me.

“Bye Bud.” My voice is low, sad. I close the door but can’t help it as I peek through the glass. He laid down right where he was sitting. His stuffed monkey is still between his teeth. What a good boy.

----

The day just dragged on and on as I struggled to keep my mind on the task at hand. My crew was efficiently moving through the throngs of people at a staggering rate. I couldn’t help myself; I would find my chest puffing out in pride.

The bottom line –this group was loyal to Kendahl and I. We compensate them well, appreciate them and encourage them to rise in the ranks. They’re hard-core. Not much shakes them, their tempers can be kept under control, they run a tight ship, do their jobs efficiently, and watch each other’s backs. I mean, there isn't anyone else on this planet that I would trust with my life. We’re a family unit.

Today I found myself walking through the streets of Topeka assessing the evacuation process and making myself available for those still waiting for their numbers to be called up, basically canvassing, pressing palms, and hugging babies.

I only did this with the big cities, but today it helped to keep my mind off of meeting up with Elspeth. After our amazing night together, I’ve been gagging for her touch, even finding myself getting hard just thinking about it. So yeah! I needed some distraction. Sitting in my office, all alone, wasn’t the ticket. I considered bugging out of here, I knew my crew had a handle on the situation, but that wasn’t me. If my team was working, I was working.

“What do ya think Sir?” I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder, so I turned to face Shade.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” My mind shifted back to what I was supposed to be doing. “Where’d ya go? You kinda zoned out there, Sir.”

“Sorry,” I cleared my throat, just… um, focusing on the game plan, that’s all.” I lie. His pillar arm nudged mine, making me feel like I ran into a concrete wall. My hand instinctively went up, rubbing over the spot where the pain was coming from. I looked up at him, shaking my head.

“Dude!” I startled him. His eyes opened wide. “You don’t know your own strength.” His eyes dropped to the ground and a boyish smirk crossed his normally daunting face. “Sorry Sir.”

I shove my palm hard against his chest –not even shifting him from his stance. “You can stop with the Sir. And your body is like a concrete wall. I pity the women you’re with.”

“My preference is men, Sir.” His thick lashes flicker in embarrassment. My palm now rests on his bicep. “Hey, my mistake, shouldn’t just assume.” He lifts his eyes, locking on mine. “Thank you, Sir. It’s been a problem at some of my other stations.” “What!? Your preference? That’s freakin' ridiculous!” My palm stays firm on his arm. “A person’s personal preference is nobody's business.” He laughs out loud. “I agree, Sir! I get so sick of people judging. Hasn’t it been long enough already!?”

I shake my head in disbelief, agreeing one hundred percent with him. How would we ever live in a perfect world when judgmental people still existed? Those are the kinds of people Beginning should be shutting their doors to, not people who have a mind of their own, willing to stand up for what they believe in! Things like this were what irked me about our Nirvana called Beginning.

“Anyhow Shade, what were you saying?” I rein in my mental rant.

“I just was asking if you wanted to head over to the north side, talk with a few of those citizens who are going to be the last group to head out. I bet they’d be happy to place a face to the name. Everyone knows about you, but few ever get to meet you.”

“That’s because this isn’t about me, we're a team, it’s about all of us working together for the good of the citizens.” “See Sir, that’s why your name is known everywhere you go. People aren’t used to having someone on their side, fighting for their rights.”

I shake my head again. My heart goes out for all the towns and cities that are desperately waiting for their turn to enter Beginning. They live on so little, just trying to eek by. That’s been something I’ve been petitioning for since I started this job. Beginning needs to allot more help and supplies to these struggling communities.

“I’ve looked you up…” Shade’s eyes sparkle as he continues. I waggle my eyebrows at him. “Sorry, Dude, I’m all about the female body.” I smack his solid chest and my hand lands with a hard thump, we both laugh. His laugh is heady, rolling over me. “Don’t worry Sir, you’re definitely Not my type.” I cough/laugh. “Well, excuse me for being unattractive!” “I never said you weren’t attractive, I said you aren’t my type.”

We laugh again but I clarify that he knows I’m just razing him. He nods as he continues. “I mean, I’ve looked up your work. All the causes you’re passionate about, being on the ground floor, starting up and helping to facilitate new programs. You do a lot of good for the citizens who aren’t a part of Beginning. You put your actions where your mouth is. Respect Man!” His fist raised and I bumped him with mine.

“You’re pretty cool. You’ve become a bit of a legend among the citizens living outside of Beginning. I think you should feel proud of what you’ve been able to accomplish in only a few years.” His head tips, a wide smile crosses his face. “You’re the modern-day Zorro!” We both laugh at that.

“It still isn’t enough though.” My frustration starts bubbling. It’s always lying just beneath the surface. Citizens living in Beginning seem to easily forget those who are still on the other side of the borders, as if they’ve never been there themselves.

“Well,” I steer the conversation back to its roots. “Let's take a quick jaunt over there. I’d like to at least spend an hour with them before I head out.” “I give you credit, Sir.” My eyebrows raise in question. “Credit?”

“I’ve made it my hobby to study people. Sir, if I can –I’d like to say, I know your thoughts have been somewhere else all day.” “Is that so?” I start heading back to our travel unit, turning to see Shade, quick stepping to catch up to me. “Yeah, I think it has to do with that person you cut out early to see.” His heavy hand lands on my shoulder once again as he now slows his gate to match mine.

“Person?” “Or should I say lady friend. I saw it in your eyes this morning. You were a well-cared for guy last night, weren’t you?!” My steps stop abruptly, and he jolts to a stop next to me. “Say what!?” “Can I speak frankly, Sir?” Questions are running through my mind. “Of course. Always!”

“Like I said, it’s kind of a hobby of mine. You know, with our jobs as security, we sit or stand around a lot. So, I like to study people, and normally, your features are very schooled, very defined. You don’t let on what’s inside that head of yours. But this morning… Well, let’s just say, you looked very relaxed.” He lets out a deep, breathy laugh. “Clearly you got some last night.”

“God! Am I that obvious?” I feel heat rushing up into my cheeks. “Like I said, I pay attention, I’m sure no one else was aware of the subtle changes.” A breath of relief escapes me. “Ok, well, between you and me,” I started walking again and Shade took a quick step to match my gate. “Yeah, last night was freaking awesome!”

His hand slapped my shoulder, sending me tripping for three full steps before I straightened and corrected myself instead of wiping out on the hard, cracked ground. He started apologizing all over himself. I’m a strong guy, I work out, have a good body physically, and yet, this guy could easily toss me across the floor like a rag doll. I appreciate that in a bodyguard.

His head drops, “sorry Sir.” I shake my head again, motioning to the other side of our travel unit, telling him I’d drive, and he should climb in, reminding him to not break anything, including me! And then adding enough with the Sir's. A soft sorry was breathed out as he clumsily crawled into the way too small space in the passenger side of our travel unit.

I changed the subject, not wanting to share anything more about my private life. Shade was a nice guy, but my private life is something that I protect, nobody knows much –not even my best friends. We talk about his interests, and I let him share about his life and passions. It helps to make the journey go by faster.

There are a lot of citizens here, I foresee another three weeks before all the people have been evacuated. That’s why it’s important to put a face to all this upheaval. By this point, these people have no connections to the outside world. Only what Beginning feeds them. Some - well, a lot - get nervous. Anxious energy not squelched, can lead to uprisings and even riots. That’s why - in these large cities - I show up at this stage of the relocation timeline. A real person, sharing real information, can do a world of good to those still in the dark.

Beginning starts their campaign several months before security arrives, so by this point, everyone is so sick and tired of hearing about this perfect world. I don’t blame any of them. I think it’s foolish to start pumping slogans and running full-on ad campaigns so far out. People get complacent, then restless. If I had any control over that part of the process, things would be done a whole lot differently and –more efficiently.

Shade jumps out of our travel unit even before I finalize my landing. He lands with a heavy thud to the hard surface and does a quick scan, checking to make sure everything looks clear for me. He is my bodyguard –after all. I wait for the stairs to unfurl as those citizens who are in their suburb’s courtyard start to form a crowd, new faces turn to see who’s arriving.

They don’t get travelers out this far. The food caravan always only goes to the main gates and then food wagons make their way to the outer regions of the city. A hoovering travel unit is only used by those citizens in Beginning, so of course there's curiosity. A wave of murmurs moves through the crowd as more and more tack on to the rear and sides. Even with the heat, the umbrella shades in courtyards offer more relief than hiding in their adobe-style homes.

This type of situation makes me nervous. Angry or scared crowds are not safe! And I rather value my life, not to mention all my appendages. This is why I started traveling with a bodyguard whenever I entered the city borders alone. There have been a few too many close calls. Way more than I wish to think about.

I shudder as I remember one instance where I literally felt like I was at a taffy pull, and the taffy was me. People want answers! The longer the relocation process takes, the more crazed the left behind citizens get. Their fears run amuck, and they think they’ll be left behind to starve.

Shade glances up to me as I stand, still on the top rung of the stairs, watching as the crowd thickens, people now shoving and squeezing in tighter. I would rather just walk the streets, talk to people one on one, but sometimes, this is what I get. So, I make the best of it. Raising my arm in the air, smiling and nodding. Presenting a very calm presence.

“Citizens of Topeka, I start. My voice booming through my travel microphone. The murmuring stills as all eyes are now on me. “It’s a great day! I’m here to share with you how well the relocation process is going. Seeing as you’ve been slated for a later time period, I wanted to keep you posted on the happenings of the rest of your wonderful city. My name is Alister Doyle, I'm the executive coordinator of the Relocation Process, from Beginning.” There’s a rush of murmurs rolling across the growing crowd.

I wave my arm out over the throngs of people, which is now easily in the thousands. All I see is a sea of eyes staring at me, looking for answers to all their questions. I know the look. It’s a look of fear. I try to talk quickly and concisely. People's interest starts to waver if I go too long, and then their anxieties take center stage, and I end up losing control with a barrage of questions being pelted at me. So, I continue on, reassuring them that everything is on track, and they have just a few short weeks left before their lives will be better than they could ever have imagined.

The speech ends with me reminding everyone that their time is near, and to keep up their spirits. I thank them for letting me share and say they’ll be seeing me soon. And then I tack on that there will be a supply caravan heading out in a day or two so they should watch for it. (I never forget to send reinforcements and supplies throughout this whole process. A happy community is a safe community.)

It’s at this moment that my heart skips a beat. I never know which way the wind will blow –in my favor, or against me. Today the crowd breaks out in a tsunami of clapping and cheering. I watch it literally roll through the crowd before me. They are now chanting my name as many - especially young women - stretch out their arms, trying to make contact with me, telling me how grateful they are for all I do. I had a few more parting comments, but the crowd is getting more and more riled up. So instead, I smile congenially, wave my arms in the air, nodding and thanking them all. Cutting it short.

My line of sight meets with Shade as I nod to him. His huge, trunk-like limbs spread wide, moving the flock of women back from the stairs but one passes through as she makes her way up the metal steps, grabbing hold of my pant leg, tugging on me. I bend, grab hold of her hand, and carefully loosen her grip from my chinos, one finger at a time.

“Shade.” I calmly say his name and he immediately turn, taking a hold of the woman’s arm, leading her back to the group. I call out a booming thank you, offer up another wave, and clip out a let’s go.

I turn, crawling into our travel unit and Shade slowly makes his way up the stairs, also fending off arms and fingers reaching and grabbing at him. Once in, we let out a collective breath.

As the stairs contract, women are clamoring around the travel unit, banging against it. “Let’s get out of here.” I calmly speak. Shade has us lifted and levitating in a moment’s time. Crowds like this one - even when they’re chanting and praising me - can easily get out of hand. Stampedes have happened before, so we need to keep things short. People lose all cognitive thinking when they get frightened or excited.

I close my eyes, taking in a few cleansing breaths. I understand the need to represent, but I have to bite down my anxiety every friggin' time.

I turn my head, feeling Shade’s eyes on me. “What?” I snap. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to bark at you.” He just keeps staring. “I’ve never seen anything like that.” He finally shares. “And I’ve had a lot of experience with politicians and celebrities. These people love you!” I lean my head back, closing my eyes again. I’m exhausted. I hate that social interaction drains me.

“They love what I can do for them; they don’t know me from Adam.” “Still!” Shade lets out a heavy breath. “It’s pretty damn amazing to watch.” “Yeah? Well, as quickly as they sing my praises, they can turn and throw daggers at me.” “Are you sure you’re alright?” Shade dares to question.

I nod. “Just tired.” I open my eyes again and straighten up in my seat. Darkness is just coming over us, the sun will be set in another hour. Thankfully Shade is quiet on the rest of the ride back. He’s driving us this time, so I close my eyes for the third time and catch a little catnap. I’m hoping I won’t be sleeping too much tonight.

On our return, I see the city gates have been closed for the night and the line for processing is just on this side of the wall. It shouldn’t take more than another hour - at most, and everyone allotted to leave today will have been processed and sent on their way to Beginning. Just as well, people get more anxious when the sun sets, like they think they’ll have to go back inside until morning.

It doesn’t matter what time they load; the travel units have a preset destination and Beginning’s processing carries on 24/7. As long as I keep on top of the quota, there's no worries. But, obviously, they don’t all know that. I try to have patience with them, reminding myself what it’s like to be in their shoes. I don’t want to become like those who never leave Beginning, forgetting to remember what it’s like on this side of those pearly gates. Not that I ever could forget, out here, I've seen enough heartache to last me a lifetime.

-

The system works.

That’s one thing I don’t question. My crew explains the process to every section of citizens coming through for processing. Groups of seventy are transported in large, whale-sized, hover units. Families are never separated; friends also have a preference to travel together. We want to keep people calm as we reassure them it’ll be an easy transition.

The system is quite uniquely designed for optimal convenience. I remember marveling at the way transfers ran so smoothly. Understandably, people are nervous about the move. Most have become desperate for the Changeover because their current living conditions are deteriorating at a fast rate, so, even though they are fearful of the unknown, they can’t wait to board their unit and head off for the hope of a better life.

The process of integration is almost the same for everyone, other than being tweaked for age - first off - then physical strength, range of talents, and finally, mental abilities. Assessment tests are taken shortly after arrival, which is just the beginning of the process for placement. Part of my job is educating those new transfers. Once I have signed off on a city’s deportation, my crew and I work with those we just transferred over, helping them to make the adjustments needed. Upper ‘management,’ feels the familiarity of working alongside people they’ve already felt safe with helps with the integration.

To help keep citizen's calm and less stressed, BUD issues PET. Citizens can’t board the travel unit if they don’t take the pill. It’s that simple. So, they simply comply without any concrete evidence as to where they are going or if they’ll be safe there. Sheep being led. Few question any of it. But, I guess, it’s not like there are any other options available, waving flags, saying join us. People really don’t have any say in the matter. It’s come along willingly or stay and die. And I remind myself, I too was once a sheep.

It’s just sometimes - as I watch citizens blindly loading in - history pops into my head, tens of thousands boarding trains, not realizing where their destination was taking them. And how often does history repeat itself?

-

As we land, I look around, trying to locate Kendahl, Calvary, or Decker. I spot Decker walking towards us. I wave. His eyes focus in on me, and he slips into a smile as his arm raises, giving me a welcoming wave back. Decker, Shade and I stand, shooting the breeze for what I deem is a long enough time. I’m not much for small talk, especially when I know what I have waiting for me. So, I excuse myself, asking if Decker could let Kendahl know that I was heading out.

“You going to that gals place again tonight Boss?” Decker doesn’t even try to hide his smirk. “Yes. That's the plan.” I try to keep myself from rolling my eyes at him. I watch as Decker and Shade exchange a look. I give a quick, nervous glance to Shade, waiting to see if he's gonna share our conversation. Thankfully he stays quiet. I love Decker like a brother, but he can keep a secret like a sieve can hold water. “Enjoy your evening!” Decker sings out. I shake my head, this time rolling my eyes at him, feigning irritation. “You really need to find a better hobby than following my love life - or the lack of it.”

“But why? When you’re so fascinating.” Decker stands, arms crossed over his chest, a dopey grin on his face. I smack his chest, shoving him backward, he takes a good three steps back before bumping into Kendahl who was just stepping up.

“Hey bro,” I let out, slapping Ken on the back. “How’s your day been?” I am interested, but I’m more interested in changing the topic. “Everything went like clockwork today; I can’t believe how smoothly things have been going.” “Oh Great!” Calvary barks out as she approaches. “Now you’ve gone and done it!” We all turn, watching her join our little circle.

“Done what?” Shade asks. “He’s just jinxed us!” Calvary puts her hand up on Kendahl’s shoulder. “You know well enough that you don’t say how well it’s going when it’s going well! That’s a sure-fire way to screw everything up.” “What?” Kendahl shakes her hand off his shoulder, turning to face her. “You think that stupid superstitious stuff actually affects us?”

“Do the math idiot! Every time one of you says everything is going well, the next few days are littered with problems!” She looks each one of us in the eyes. “Every. Freakin'. Time!”

“Well, I say it’s coincidence,” Kendahl continues. “There's nothing that changes the course of a day.” He leans towards Calvary, wiggling his fingers in front of her face. “It’s all hocus-pocus.” She grabs one of his hands, twisting his fingers back to a point where he’s crying out for her to let him go. The circle erupts into laughter.

“If you don’t want to choose to believe in things you can’t see, that’s your GD problem, I know what I know.” She huffs at him and steps over to where Decker is standing –beaming at his gal. She leans in, giving him a soft kiss. “Hi Doll.” She whispers in his ear. His arms wrap around her waist as he lifts her off the ground, pulling her close, planting a kiss that we all - in sync - turn away from. Groaning.

“PDA Guys!” Kendahl calls out, shielding his eyes. They laugh at us.

“You believe me, don’t ya, Doll face?” Decker’s eyes sparkle at his girlfriend as she waits for an answer to her question. “Anything that comes out of that sexy mouth of yours.” He says –right before another kiss erupts. I take that as my cue.

“Well,” I step back from the circle just as Craig is approaching. “Sorry guys, but I’m gonna head out.”

“Have a great night Boss!” Kendahl yells out as the rest of them chime in with the same sentiments. I pat Criag’s shoulder as we pass one another. “I will guys,” I turn, waving at them. “I will!” They all burst out laughing at me, followed by catcalls and oh babies with heavy moaning sounds –but I refuse to look back.

I use the preselected navigation that I imputed a few days ago and let my car take me. I was a bundle of nerves, excited to see her again, yet nervous as hell because she was so tired when I left last night that I carried her in and barely got her tucked into her bed as I watched her fall back to sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

There was no conversation after we both dozed off in the cool autumn air, under a full blanket of stars, so I hoped tonight wouldn’t feel awkward. I don’t have a clue how to do this. Relationships aren't part of who I am.

I’m clueless when it comes down to how to do the day to day - side by side kind of living. I’ve had second and third dates. But they’ve always revolved around sex. I’d known Elspeth for a few months before we finally did the deed. And here I was, not sure where to take things after sex.

She was traditional in every sense of the word. And I knew, for her to give herself over to me so fully last night, meant something huge to her. And who am I kidding, it meant something huge to me as well. For the first friggin’ time in my life!

Our relationship had been poured into concrete and molded last night. And that scared the crap out of me! I wanted it. God, I wanted it. Problem was, I had no idea what IT was! Hopefully she’ll be patient with me until I learn the ropes and can walk without stumbling. The last thing I want to do is muck this all up. THAT –I know I’m good at. Ask any of the boatload of women I’ve been with.