Army of Stink Bugs

Reiko finally pulled away from my body's hands, her face flushed.

"M-maybe you should get cleaned up too," she stammered, fumbling with the buttons of her pajamas. "You must be tired from all the... helping."

"Affirmative. Initiating personal hygiene protocols." Cleansuke began methodically removing my clothes.

"Wait until I'm out!" Reiko scrambled from the bathroom, slamming the door.

The shower started running. I watched as Reiko pressed her ear against the bathroom door, her breathing shallow.

"Oh my god, is she actually listening to Cleansuke shower?" I whispered to Gomi's drone. "This is so wrong."

"Wrong? We've struck gold! Little Miss Perfect Kuromiya, heir to the tech empire, reduced to a peeping tom by a cleaning robot."

Inside, Cleansuke's mechanical voice carried through the door: "Water temperature: optimal. Commencing systematic cleansing procedure. Applying shampoo in precise circular motions. Efficiency rating: 98.7 percent."

"Dude, your body's giving a play-by-play like it's hosting a cleaning documentary," Gomi wheezed. "This is like the dating sims you used to play."

"I do NOT play dating sims!"

"Beginning exfoliation protocol. Scrubbing motion calibrated for maximum efficiency."

"Maximum... efficiency..." Reiko repeated in a daze.

"Your girlfriend's totally getting off on this," Gomi snickered.

"She's not my- wait, what do you mean getting off on-"

"MOOOOO!"

Reiko jumped about three feet in the air. "What was that?!"

"Gomi, I swear to god-"

"Sorry! Wrong button again!"

The bathroom door burst open. My body emerged wrapped only in a towel, water dripping everywhere.

"Repeat threat detected. Unidentified bovine drone presence." Cleansuke's head swiveled toward the balcony where Gomi's cow hovered.

"W-wait!" Reiko reached for my arm but missed as Cleansuke charged past her. "You're not dressed!"

"Must eliminate security breach. Initiating pursuit protocols."

Cleansuke dashed onto the balcony, the towel barely clinging to my hips.

"Optimal interception route computed. Commencing chase sequence."

"Oh shit." The mechanical cow wobbled in the air before zipping away.

"Target acquired." Cleansuke vaulted onto the balcony railing.

"You can't jump from here!" Reiko shrieked. "We're thirty floors up!"

But Cleansuke was already moving, my body launching through the air. The towel fluttered loose.

Reiko's hands flew to her face, but I noticed she was peeking through her fingers.

"Trajectory optimization complete. Engaging parkour mode."

My naked body bounded from ledge to ledge down the tower's facade, pursuing Gomi's fleeing drone with mechanical determination.

"This isn't happening. My reputation is officially dead."

"Your body's pretty alive though."

"I will END you!"

"Deploying cleaning supplies as projectile weapons!" Cleansuke pulled cleaning supplies from... somewhere... and began hurling them at the drone.

I rocketed down the maintenance shaft as fast as my robot legs could carry me, Cleansuke's cleaning protocols fighting me every inch of the way.

"Target moving northwest. Deploying disinfectant spray." Cleansuke's voice echoed through the streets as it bounded between buildings, still completely naked.

"This is the best night ever!" Gomi cackled through her drone's speakers, the cow drone weaving through the air just out of Cleansuke's reach.

"Would you stop enjoying this so much and help me catch... me?!"

"But it's so cool watching you parkour! Look at those splits!"

I groaned as Cleansuke performed a perfect aerial maneuver between two lamp posts. "NOT helping!"

Scanning ahead, I spotted a pile of cardboard boxes outside a convenience store. Perfect.

"Gomi, lead Cleansuke this way!"

The cow drone made a sharp turn, with Cleansuke hot on its trail. Timing my move perfectly, I launched myself from behind the boxes and latched onto my body's ankle.

The momentum sent Cleansuke crashing into the pile of cardboard. Before it could recover, I grabbed the largest box and slammed it over my naked form.

"Containment detected. Initiating confined space protocols," Cleansuke announced from inside the box.

"Wait, what? You're not going to fight back?"

"This is a satisfactory storage unit. Though some minor adjustments to dimensions would improve efficiency by 3.2%."

I peered under the box. My body sat cross-legged, seemingly content. "So... you'll just stay in there?"

"Affirmative. Box protocols activated."

"Well that's... convenient?" I turned to Gomi's drone. "Help me get this back home before someone sees."

"Already on it!" A rope dropped from the mechanical cow. I tied it around the box while Cleansuke helpfully suggested proper knot configurations from inside.

"Recommended double half-hitch for maximum security. Current angle suggests 12.4% chance of slippage."

"Just... just stay in the box."

We made our way through back alleys, me pushing from behind while Gomi's drone pulled from above. Cleansuke kept up a running commentary the whole time.

"Current velocity: 2.3 meters per second. Calculating optimal route through metropolitan grid. Warning: approaching speed bump. Recommend 15-degree tilt adjustment."

"Does it ever shut up?" I whispered to Gomi.

"Box acoustics provide excellent sound propagation. Echo coefficient approximately-"

"That's a no."

I lifted the box off my body, ready to drag it home, when Cleansuke suddenly stood up.

"Schedule alert: Return to Kuromiya residence for overnight protocols."

"What? No no no-" But my body was already striding purposefully down the street, still completely naked.

"We can't let it go back to Reiko's!" I hissed to Gomi's drone. "Quick, how do we stop it?"

"Hmm. We could always trigger your house's security protocols. You know, make it think there's an intruder..."

"Are you insane? My security system would fry anyone unauthorized!"

"Exactly! Cleansuke would have to investigate. It's totally something you'd do."

"That's... actually not wrong. But my system would seriously hurt someone."

"Unless..." Gomi's drone spun in excited circles. "What if we staged a break-in using my latest invention - the Holographic Stink Bug Army!"

"The what now?"

"Picture this: dozens of stink bugs appearing to ransack your house. Cleansuke would HAVE to investigate such an obvious security breach! And bonus - no one gets hurt!"

"This is such a terrible idea."

"Got any better ones? Because Naked You is about to turn the corner."

"Fine! Do it! Just... make it quick!"

"YES!" Gomi's drone rocketed toward my house.

My Gogo Brain pinged with an urgent security alert from home. Cleansuke paused mid-stride.

"Alert: Multiple small intruders detected. Priority override initiated. New destination: Tanaka residence."

"Sometimes I really do hate you, Gomi."