Winners and Losers Pt. 2

(Rocco)

I prepared for any type of hit. My mind was still regaining its composure but I was stable enough to understand the situation. I lost one of my knives when he took his knee to my face. In a split second, my eyes glossed over the roof, I couldn’t see it anywhere. There was a good chance it was behind me. No matter, I still have one in my hand. My fingers gripped it tightly with greater force each step Lars took.

With only an arm’s length away. I gambled and assumed he would hit me from his right side. I positioned myself slightly towards the left and began to push the knife in my left hand towards his neck. If he moved down, the knife would go into his head, if moved up, I’d at least hit his shoulder or torso.

Neither ended up happening. Lars full-on tackled me to the ground and knocked the knife out of my hand before it could stab him. He held me to the ground firmly. His hands stuck on my wrists like cuffs and his knees pressured my hip to the point where it felt like it could break at any moment.

“Do you think I enjoy being like this…? Hurting people, touching them when they don’t want to be touched, interested in those I shouldn’t be, what kind of person would want to be born that way, tell me?! All of you get your dose of happiness from having friends, getting into a relationship, working on your goals, and pursuing your passions. It became so common that you people built society around those very concepts. You think I didn’t want to feel that way as well?”

Lars was crying as he shouted in my face. His tears and snot began to fall onto my cheeks and almost into my eyes.

I spoke softly. “It’s okay, kiddo. I understand you-”

“Liar! All of you, every single person I’ve ever come across have judged me. There’s no place for someone like me in your world. Getting happiness out of hurting others is seen as wrong where you all come from. At first, I tried accepting who I was. I’d hurt others all the time and be happy, but when I finally got caught… I was excited. Life with no chance of parole. They’d finally send me to a place where people like me could be understood… So call me surprised when I went in there and these bastards were the exact same as you all. It didn’t matter that we did similar things. They got caught up by arbitrary factors. Why did it matter to them how old any of the victims were? The actions we did were the same across the board, why did they act like I was any different?! Those in prison were no different than a man who had never sinned. It turned out nobody in that world could understand me…”

Truthfully, I could’ve headbutted him straight in the face a while ago, but this is exactly what I’ve been trying to do since the beginning. Have a real talk with Lars. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s in a constant state of pain. He hates who he is and what he can’t be. Nobody would ever admit it, and that’s why he feels this way, but that may be one of the most common predicaments among men.

My breaths weighed heavily from the pressure he was putting on me. “You can change, Lars. You’re different. I know that. I accept that. We’re all born with our own unique set of flaws. Yours happened to be more severe and nobody loved you despite them. That’s okay. I’ll accept you, kid. Together, we can forge a new path to a world that’s safe for everyone, including you.”

He shook his head and began to cry more. “No, no, no, you don’t get it. If I want to be happy, I have to hurt others, it’s the way it is. Nobody can change that! Being myself sucks, but pretending to be someone else for all of you is even worse. I won’t change who I am for anyone, even if it means going against this world… Maybe you don’t understand the depths of my terror, yet. Let me show you…”

While still keeping me pinned down, Lars punched me straight in the face and the force of it left me fazed for a second. I would be able to recover almost instantly but that one moment was all he needed.

While I was gathering my consciousness, Lars dug into his pocket and pulled out the missing knife. He held me down again and stabbed the top of my right arm, just below my shoulder.

His breathing became erratic and drool poured out of his mouth. “You think I can be saved, but I’ll show you how far away I am from the rest of you… Goddamn, for an old man, you have some sturdy muscles, haha. This shit is annoying to cut through, surprisingly more resistant than many of my other subjects.”

My screams of pain were almost drowned out by his laughs. I could see it in his eyes. This conflict that existed within his mind was real.

It’s something that always existed in the old world. Clarine would treat her patients and saw herself as a hero. Even if nobody appreciated her talents, including her patients, the act of treatment served as a form of self-gratification that was able to keep the negativity of the world at bay, even if only temporarily.

It wasn’t just her though. It was everyone. Men often found themselves drowning in a vice of many sorts. Alcohol, women, drugs, and the worst of it all, love.

It was the only method to be marketed as the pinnacle of human expression. Love would save us all. Love your family, love your neighbor, love the world, if you could love, you would be happy. If only there was consideration for those who did not know how to love, then maybe it could be a realistic way of life. So much of our world relies on those around us, that if we’re not accepted, we begin to spiral into the worst parts of our identity.

When love is lost, we become a primal version of ourselves that exists only to defend. To justify our existence by any means necessary despite what the world thinks of us.

The man who hates himself for taking joy in the pain of others uses that joy to mask his pain. It’s a vicious cycle that only exists to repeat itself over and over.

Before I knew it, my right arm came clean off. He cut right through me.

“... You see? Someone like me could never be understood. That’s just the way it is, old man. I know you look at me in anger. You question why this had to happen to you, what did you do to deserve this? You should really be asking yourself, what did you do to not deserve this…? You deserve this. You all do…”

If I lose consciousness now, it’ll be over. Maybe I’ll die from the blood loss but even if I don’t, the dwellers could only be a minute or so away before they eat up my body. I have to stay awake.

I could barely speak, but I managed to get a few more words out. “It’s okay, Lars. I see you. No matter what you do, I’ll accept you for who you are. Flaws and all… I promise.”

He seemed even more disgusted than before. “Why would you say that? How could you say that?”

“None of us are perfect, but nobody should suffer for it. That includes you.”

“... You mean that?”

“I do.” I really did.

The headbutt I gave him straight into his nose sent him flying off my entire body. I made sure to put as much force behind it as I could. The pain of my missing arm was egregious, but there were more important matters at hand, right now.

Towards the corner of the building, I grabbed the hoverpack and that’s when I saw on the very edge, the dwellers were here just in time. Mere seconds before one of the legs went to pierce my torso, I began to fly away.

I’m sorry, Lars. Maybe in an alternate world, I could’ve shown you what I saw. Then again, I can only see the world the way I do because of the way it is now. It’s hard to accept but sometimes there is no happy ending for everyone.

In a world where everyone is capable of suffering, there will inevitably be winners and losers. That’s all there is to it…