Holy Matrimony

I materialized in Tako-Topia's virtual lobby, my vacuum avatar gliding across the digital floor. "Of course they'd hold the top-16 matches in a murder-aquarium. Nothing says 'epic robot battles' like the site of history's most embarrassing octopus incident."

The stands were already filling up with the most ridiculous avatars I'd ever seen. To my left, a walking potato wearing a tuxedo discussed match predictions with a stop sign. Three rows down, a group of singing toilets harmonized team chants.

"Excuse me, coming through!" A giant cutting board with legs squeezed past, dripping virtual butter everywhere.

I snagged a seat near the front, right between a sobbing cactus and what appeared to be a dakimakura body pillow waving a giant foam finger.

"Did you hear?" The dakimakura poked me with its foam finger. "They say Team Hanamizu's new pilot is actually an AI!"

"That's nothing," the cactus chimed in, tears still flowing. "I heard they recruited an actual cleaning robot!"

If I had eyes, I would've rolled them. Instead, my vacuum avatar made a sputtering noise.

The excitement in the virtual arena was electric. Last week's matches were tame compared to this - the top 16 always brought out the die-hard fans. A group of kitchen appliances started a wave that rippled through the crowd. Someone had programmed their microwave avatar to shoot fireworks from its door.

A massive octopus avatar in a tuxedo floated down from the ceiling, its tentacles trailing sparkles. The crowd went wild.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and household appliances!" The octopus's voice boomed through the virtual space. "Welcome to Tako-Topia, where dreams come true and robots come to die! I'm your host, Doctor Octagonapus, and boy do we have a show for you today!" 

His tentacles spread wide. "In this corner, the cleanest team in competitive Dai-Bōku - Team Hanamizu!"

The crowd erupted. My vacuum motor revved involuntarily with excitement.

"And their opponents..." The octopus's eyes glowed red. "The dirtiest players this side of Puri Puri - Team U-za!"

Boos and cheers mixed together. The cactus from earlier started throwing virtual tomatoes at the announcement screen.

"Will Team Hanamizu's squeaky-clean record stay spotless? Or will Team U-za's underhanded tactics finally pay off? Place your bets now, folks!"

"U-za's gonna cheat their way to victory like always!" The cactus prickled up.

"Nah, Team Hanamizu's got that new collector - did you see their last match?" The dakimakura bounced excitedly. "They literally cleaned their opponent to death!"

"That's right!" Doctor Octagonapus spun dramatically. "After last week's unprecedented sanitation strategy, Team Hanamizu has become the crowd favorite. But Team U-za has some nasty surprises up their sleeve..."

The arena lights dimmed as spotlights swept across the crowd. Virtual confetti rained down, getting sucked into my vacuum avatar's attachments.

"Let the match... BEGIN!"

The spotlights converged on the arena floor as Team Hanamizu's mecha emerged. The chrome and purple machine gleamed under the virtual lights, its cleaning attachments polished to a mirror shine.

"HANAMIZU! HANAMIZU!" A section of the crowd chanted.

"Look at that finish!" The dakimakura next to me swooned. "You could eat off that armor plating!"

Once again, I found myself impressed by Nezumi's design work. The mecha moved with fluid grace, each joint precisely calibrated. Various cleaning implements were integrated seamlessly into its frame, ready to deploy at a moment's notice.

Then Team U-za's mecha stomped into view.

"What... what am I looking at?" The cactus whispered in horror.

The opposing mecha was plastered with enlarged photos of my face. Candid shots from the cafeteria, classroom snapshots, even security camera stills - all blown up and covering every inch of the machine's surface. Hearts and sparkles decorated the spaces between photos.

"Is that... is that a body pillow?" The cutting board behind me asked incredulously.

Indeed, the mecha's right arm ended in a giant dakimakura featuring my sleeping face. Where did they even get that photo?

"Notice me, Tanaka-senpai!" The U-za mecha's speakers blasted, voice modulated to sound like a lovestruck schoolgirl.

The crowd lost it. Virtual popcorn flew everywhere as avatars rolled with laughter. A group of traffic cones fell over themselves, honking uncontrollably.

"Well folks," Doctor Octagonapus wiped a tear from his eye, "looks like Team U-za has taken fan dedication to a whole new level!"

The U-za mecha struck a pose, my face-covered armor panels glinting. The dakimakura arm flopped dramatically.

I then spotted movement in the control room. Nezumi stood with her arms crossed, facing Cleansuke who sat rigidly in my body at the control panel. Even from this distance, I could read Nezumi's tense body language.

"Oh snap, trouble in paradise!" The dakimakura shouted excitedly.

Nezumi jabbed her finger at the arena screen, where my face smiled back from dozens of angles on U-za's mecha. Cleansuke's posture remained perfectly straight, probably spouting cleaning protocols and relationship matrices instead of actual explanations.

The U-za mecha pirouetted, its dakimakura arm trailing hearts. "Tanaka-senpai," Azuki cooed, "don't you think it's time to upgrade to a better collector? Someone who truly appreciates your cleaning abilities?"

Our chrome and purple mecha took a defensive stance, but U-za's machine slid closer, rubbing its face-covered chest plate against our shoulder. "You know, I fell in love in first sight! The way you dusted my desk made me ***."

U-za's mecha launched its dakimakura arm like a rocket punch. Our mecha barely dodged, but the pillow wrapped around its legs, tripping it.

"And Team U-za lands the first hit!" Doctor Octagonapus announced. "Using an unprecedented dakimakura grappling technique!"

In the control room, Nezumi threw her hands up in exasperation while Cleansuke appeared to be calculating optimal romance rejection protocols.

U-za's mecha straddled our fallen machine, its photo-covered armor panels opening to reveal... more photos of me. "I've been monitoring you- I mean your cleaning efficiency for weeks!"

Our mecha tried deploying its mop attachment, but U-za caught it mid-swing. "My beloved Tanaka-chan! Let us unite our cleaning powers in holy matrimony!"

The U-za mecha produced a giant ring from its chest compartment.

The virtual crowd went berserk. The cutting board flopped over from excitement. Three rubber ducks fainted.

"This is unprecedented!" Doctor Octagonapus's tentacles flailed. "We're witnessing the first ever Dai-Bōku marriage proposal!"

"Say yes and I'll show you cleaning techniques you've never dreamed of!"