Agents and Protagonists Pt. 2

Lars didn’t seem entertained. “No, that old man specifically had it coming. The rest of you, I sort of feel bad for, but if it were up to me, he wouldn’t be breathing right now. He’s only alive because I stick to my word.”

His arms were crossed and he seemed adamant about that. It’s not like I had Rocco’s arm on me anyway. What happened between them? Rocco and Lars didn’t seem to know each other at all before today. I wonder if they talked about anything important or if the heat of battle really got to them that intensely.

Shying away from Lars, I focused on Rocco.

“Sir… Rocco, can you hear me? Can you talk?”

His breathing was rigid yet soft. “Kid, is that you? You’re still alive? I don’t know how much longer I’m going to last…”

I grabbed his hand calmly. “Don’t worry, sir, you’re going to be fine. We’ll get your arm back up in no time and it’ll work as good as new.”

“Yeah, right. I never told you much about myself, have I? The stupid things I did in my life and the not-so-stupid realizations that would come from it… Nah… I don’t wanna bore you outta your mind, kiddo. You have more exciting things in store, right?”

“No, sir, I’d love to hear what you have to say. Really, I mean that.”

Rocco’s head tilted away from me and he closed his eyes. “I told you I wasn’t a big fan of roller coasters. That’s still true. I don’t think I could ever bear to ride one on my own. When I was a kid, I’d never do anything on my own. I grew up in a rural city where most of the kids wanted to escape into the city. They thought becoming proper businessmen was the right way to live life. Hell, at some point I began to think the same thing. But school ain’t do a single damn favor for me. They’d call me slow and all sorts of insults. By the time I made my grand escape into the city, I’d end up as a janitor at some hospital. Could you believe that? My parents weren’t very interested in me so they let me go ahead and leave. My friends… I didn’t really have any. I thought being a janitor was the best thing I could have done with my life. Being in the city and working in a building as prestigious as a hospital? What more was there to experience?! Haha… Then I met Clarine. The most beautiful doctor in the entire building. I would organize the floors I cleaned based on where I’d most likely bump into her at certain times on certain days. It was a rough process but it ended up working out in my favor. Those talks we had would soon lead to dates and then marriage… My entire life’s purpose was to see how much more I could take from this world that exists for nobody but me. If that wasn’t the purpose of life, then the world sure had a hard time communicating that for a while. I became greedy and started to take things I didn’t need to. I started to love people I shouldn’t have… Do you get it, kid?”

I’ve never heard Rocco talk for this long. I didn’t even know he could talk for this long, let alone in the state he’s in.

“What are you trying to say, Rocco?”

He sighed, “Turns out this world didn’t exist just for me like I thought it did. I don’t care how humble you are, everyone lives their life seeing themselves as the main character. They should do that, in fact. What ends up happening though is people begin to forget that just because they’re the main character in their life, other people are still the main star in their own. You become a bit less untouchable once the consequences of the world start to show their face. Suddenly, you realize every single aspect of your daily routine was curated by somebody. The things you eat, the devices you use, the places you go, main characters across the world have changed the way society moves so we bend to their will. When you put it like that, it seems kind of stupid to think everything revolves around you and not them, right? That city I’ve been chasing all my life was nothing more than a product of someone else’s ambition. If everything we do in our lives has already been decided by those before us, then what’s even the point of being alive? Come on, answer, kiddo…”

“I-I don’t know…”

“Exactly, right. Nobody knows. Not even the people who have orchestrated your lives understand why they were put here. Chances are, everything they did in their lives was dictated by the world before them as well. People will tell you that agency comes from what you do. Actions speak louder than words… And that’s true, but there’s something louder than both of those. Desire. To understand why you do something. Why you want to do anything means more than what you do or what you say. For many people, they decided to take their own sense of agency in the form of emotions. People love, they get married and they die happy with kids or not. Other people build things. It means something important that only they’ll ever truly be able to understand… There are countless ways of taking agency in a world where everything has already been designed for you by others. Those roller coasters you want to build. That’s your form of agency. A theme park where people could visit and experience a swell of emotions designed for them by you. That will be your contribution to the world.”

I didn’t understand what he was talking about. It all sounded quite profound, but it seemed like I wasn’t smart enough to comprehend the entire depth of his words.

“Rocco, what if having people feel things for me isn’t enough? What if I want to do it for myself?”

He laughed as hard as he could, which in his state wasn’t very much at all. “Kid, if you want to do anything for others, you have to do it for yourself first. That’s the nature of it. Building a roller coaster seems fun, but what’s the point of having everything melt away if there’s nobody else to share that experience with? In a world full of main characters that all take agency in different parts of the world, we find those that have an agency that aligns with ours and make the most of our relationships with each other. Humans are social creatures, there’s no two ways around it… I’m getting awfully tired now, kiddo, but you’ll get it. You’re different than most…”

I wasn’t understanding any of it, but for once, I wasn’t mad. Now that I know what it’s like to rush into things head first with only pain waiting on the other side, being patient with things isn’t starting to seem like a bad option anymore…

Rocco began to fall asleep. He wasn’t going to die by any means. I took a look at Fence’s bandage job and it seemed well put together. It made me wonder if he had any medical training as a scavenger for however long he’s been doing this.

Knowing that Rocco was safe made me feel reassured regardless of what would end up happening with his arm. I decided to find a bunk on the other side of the elevator and sit down. Nobody seemed to be in high spirits and it’s not like I could blame them. But for some reason, even though I didn’t quite understand it, Rocco’s words made me feel slightly better about this all. Like what I did wasn’t a complete waste. That couldn’t have been true but it’s what my heart was telling me.

Everyone’s their own main character, huh? If that’s the case, what do we make of people like Masir? People who have lived eventful lives just to have them cut short abruptly. I wonder, for a person like him, what was his agency?

I took a deep breath and decided to lie down on a different bunk across the elevator. This was something anybody deserved after any expedition, let alone of this tier. Getting some shut-eye crossed my mind, but it was probably best to wait until my father returned and we decided where to go from there…

“Hey, don’t knock out on me yet, Bane. I was hoping we could talk.” Lars smiled as he walked across the elevator…