Redditor

He stumbled from the trees, looking haggard and unkempt. He wore a tall, classical wizard’s hat, and had a long white beard caked in dirt and hot-cheeto dust. His face was painted white, with a large red-clown nose accentuating the blue stripes over his eyelids.

The Redditor stood apart from Bartholomew, the sprawling hillscape in the background making light of his elderly, withered form. Bartholomew threw the empty metal scabbard to the side, cracking his knuckles. The sheer sound boomed throughout the landscape, shattering the sound barrier.

“Who the hell are you?” Bartholomew grinned.

“My name… is Gregarious Artorious Octavian Rhino Delta3 Seventh Iron Brahmms the XVI, Lord of the House of Storms, Bequeather of the End, King of Devils, Saints, and Clowns, the Last Sword of the Mountain of Clovers, and your Enemy… I will kill you, God of Malady…”

“How ominous.” Bartholomew reached his pinky finger up to his ear, scooping a handful of wax from within. He balled it up in his hands, snapping his fingers to set it alight due to the sheer friction of his unmoisturised, sandpaper skin.

[‘Serious Story’ has been activated.]

He threw the ball of wax up into the air with extreme might, causing it to shatter into a thousand fragments, a rain of candled flame. Amidst the embers, Bartholomew stared menacingly at his enemy. He reached outwards, grasping at thin air, a black-iron battleaxe materialising out of nowhere.

“What emboldens you, Sword of Grass, Lord of Nowhere at All? Do you fear what I might do to your painted people?” Bartholomew smirked as he spoke in a low, rumbling tone of voice. “Do you know what they say of clowns? That they cannot be Kings, a palace would become a carnival in their presence…”

“Lord of Dirt and Dust, Monarch of Malady… this form you’ve taken, it disgusts me!” Gregarious unsheathed his blade from the scabbard lying behind his waist. It grew several times its length as he raised it, shimmering an illusory violet-hue.

“This mantle, I have accepted it with open arms. Because of that, you must welcome these omens of your departure. Come to terms that the plague will divide your world, not between the living and the cursed, but by the sickly, and the dead…”

[‘Serious Story’ has been deactivated.]

Bartholomew clutched at his face, grimacing. “What the fuck was that…? Plot? In my story? Kill yourself…”

He glanced up towards the Redditor, who had seemingly warped into fear in the face of the giant. Bartholomew realised it wasn’t hot-cheeto dust in his beard. It was blood! The Redditor’s eyes suddenly shimmered, glistening with a radiant greyish-hue.

“Which Presidential Candidate did you support!?” Bartholomew barked, spittle flying from his lips that had puffed like cheetos.

“I’m Canadian!” The Redditor shouted in a familiar accent as he turned to face Bartholomew.

“Fucking disgusting!”

Bartholomew chucked the battleaxe over his shoulder with both hands. His bear-like strength propelled it forward at an intense speed. It whizzed past the shoulder of Gregarious, cutting a fine line into the hillscape behind him. He quickly raised two hands, blood spilling down his chest as he shouted in anger, “it’s me, you fucking idiot!”

“Yes, it’s you. Ah…”

[‘Eidetic Memory’ has been activated.]

“Gregarious Artorious Octavian Rhino Delta3 Seventh Iron Brahmms the XVI, Lord of the House of Storms, Bequeather of the End, King of Devils, Saints, and Clowns, the Last Sword of the Mountain of Clovers!” Bartholomew recited perfectly.

“No, it’s me! DemontheDemon!”

Bartholomew’s eyes widened, raising both hands guiltily. “Oops! My hand slipped!”

Suddenly, a thought came to his mind.

“If you’re here…”

“I broke free of your trapping spell!”

“Wtf? How? Ts pmo…” Bartholomew muttered.

“Schrodinger’s cat or whatever. If you weren’t there to observe it, and I closed my eyes, it didn’t exist!”

“So you walked the whole way here blindfolded? How did you navigate?”

“I followed your foul stench! It’s really hard to miss!”

“Ok, drop GAORD3SIBtXVI,LotHoS,BotE,KoD,S,C,tLSotMoC’s body. He’s too old to travel in! Let’s continue onwards!”

“Agreed. I liked the other body much more!” DemontheDemon smirked, the remaining teeth of Gregarious shining a brilliant sun-like yellow past his cracked lips. Suddenly, a wisp of grey shot away from his body, heading back towards the forest beyond the hillscape towards the bandit’s body.

Bartholomew walked up towards Gregarious, who had barely recovered his consciousness, glancing up at the approaching Lord of Plagues. Bartholomew towered over him, grinning.

“No Swords of Clovers.”

He punched Gregarious in the face, causing his head to spin clean off his shoulders, painting the ground in blood for a mile onwards.

[‘Grey Morality’ has been activated.]

As the handsome bandit occupied by DemontheDemon approached, his eyes widened. He threw up all over the ground, and then on Bartholomew, and then on the headless corpse, and then on the ground again. He swallowed it back the fifth time.

“Why did you kill him!?” DemontheDemon’s eyebrow twitched.

“Don’t be a fa-“

DemontheDemon slapped Bartholomew across the face, grimacing. “You can’t say that slur. You’re going to get this story taken down!”

“But the Author likes men!”

DemontheDemon placed his hands on Bartholomew’s shoulders, sighing. “Bisexuals aren’t real people, they don’t get rights.”

“That sucks…”

Suddenly, the group of rifle-wielding cat-people that he had first met in the forest approached from behind.

“Holy shit, are those cat-women?” DemontheDemon raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but not the kind I anticipated…” Bartholomew sighed.

One by one, the cat-people knelt on both knees, bowing to Bartholomew.

“Oh, Lord of Plagues! Foul Being! Great King of Vileness! God of Malady! Thank you for saving our village from that Heretic!”

DemontheDemon let out a silly whistle. “Wow, you’re like their Messiah!”

“You know what this means…”

“We can have sex with them?”

Bartholomew grasped him by the hair, meeting his gaze as a maddened grin spread up his expression. “We can do what all religions in the past have done before! We can manipulate all of their money from them!”