Driving Sucks

Still sitting in the driver's seat, Eddy awkwardly held his arms up in the air. "I'm not sure what to do with my hands?" He turned toward me with an overwhelmed look on his face. "Alright...um... I guess I'll start by turning it on."

He scanned the dashboard, trying to make sense of what everything was. He reached forward and started twisting the air conditioning knob. "I don't think that's it... Maybe it's the button with the large red triangle on it." He pressed the hazard light button and obviously that did nothing either.

Geez, I'm a vacuum and I know more about cars than you.

After getting unbearably frustrated watching him try to start the truck for 5 minutes straight, I attempted to guide him through beeps. The farther away he was from the key, the slower my chimes were and as he got closer, I made them faster.

Finally with my help, he managed to get his hand on the key and turned it. The car's engine fired up and by a stroke of luck, the gas gauge read full.

Abruptly, Eddy twisted the key back, turning the engine off. "Wait a second, what if this truck was rigged with a car bomb?"

You already turned it on, you moron. If there was a bomb, we'd already be dead.

I beeped twice at him to indicate my displeasure.

"But-."

I continued making noises to prevent him from saying anything else stupid. That, combined with the chihuahuas’ high pitched barks, It wasn't long until he finally gave into the pressure and restarted the vehicle.

Peer pressure… Works every time.

Now it was on to the next matter... Actually getting shifting into drive. Once again, through sound, I guided his hand over to the gear selector.

"What the heck do these letters mean?" He was referring to the P-R-N-D-L on the selector. "I bet 'N' means navigate forward."

I can assure you it doesn't.

He shifted the car into neutral and it began slowly rolling forward. The dogs, still clustered around the vehicle, moved along with the truck, continuing to bite at its fiberglass frame.

"I did it. We're moving!"

No you didn't.

I shifted over in my seat and tapped myself against the gear selector.

"Hm, I’m a bit curious what those other letters do. I wonder if 'D' means don't go." He put the car into drive, but we still continued idly rolling forward at the same pace, obviously because he wasn't pressing the gas.

"It doesn't seem like that did anythi-."

He was suddenly interrupted when the jacked chihuahua managed to scale up the side of the truck into the bed. It charged toward the open back window, as it viciously gnawed at the air.

"Holy shi-!" He screamed, as he stomped his foot down in a panic, unintentionally pressing down on the accelerator.

The F-160 jolted forward, causing the tiny swole dog to tumble backwards in the bed, smacking against the closed tailgate. Quickly, Eddy slammed on the brakes and clicked the back window shut.

"That was a close one-."

He spoke too soon. The chihuahua regained its composure, crawling its way back up toward us. When it reached the now closed back window, it began headbutting it. Thumping it's head repeatedly against the glass, it gave us a look of death with its oversized bugged eyes.

Eddy shook his head. "I think I've had enough of being outside for one day. Let's head back."

Not happening. I'd rather you get eaten alive by these rat dogs than go back empty handed.

I expressed my frustration once again by beeping twice.

"But we tried our best. Besides, my legs hurt and I'm tired and thirsty, plus I need to pee really badly too."

You can piss your pants for all I care.

I let out more beeps.

Eddy sighed. "I wish I could understand what you're saying..."

And I wish you'd have some common sense.

"... I'll be honest, I have no idea how to get home and you seem to be decent with directions. What if while I drive, you navigate me. Three beeps will be right, four will be left, and turning on your suction will mean stop."

I let out a single beep in agreement.

Unfortunately for you, I won't be directing you back to the cellar.

This worked out in my favor. Lucky for me, this moron was completely directionally challenged. I’d just navigate him to where I wanted to go. There was a town about thirty minutes from here by car. Hopefully there would be some people around we could get some gas from.

Eddy pressed the gas pedal and we began accelerating forward. Muscle chihuahua was still in the back smacking its head mindlessly against the glass. The two of us just ignored it, as we drove away with it still in the back. The pack of dogs attempted to follow their abducted leader, but couldn't keep up.

I made four consecutive beeps to indicate that Eddy had to turn left. He made the adjustment and we were now headed even further west.

🌞🌞🌞

About fifteen minutes had passed since we departed the gas station and we were roughly halfway to our destination. With all this sand, the road was virtually nonexistent. There were patches of it here and there, but overall the only traces of it were half buried road signs. Rural Nebraska was already fairly desolate before, but with all the farm fields dried up and turned to sand, you'd think you were in the Sahara desert. Other than a windmill here and there, there wasn't a structure in sight.

"Are we almost there? I don't know how much longer I can hold." Eddy clenched his thighs together, still behind the wheel.

You got a window right beside you, nobody's stopping you from using it.

"What's that over there?" He pointed over to an out of place looking gray object that was on top of a dune directly in front of us.

Who cares, it's probably just some garbage or a dead body or something.

Letting his curiosity get the best of him, Eddy stopped directly in front of the object. Whatever it was, it began to rustle around. At first I thought it was just a balled up tarp, but then it stood it, revealing a guy wearing a koala onesie. He approached the driver side window.

Just keep driving.

Eddy did the exact opposite and rolled down his window. Avoiding eye contact, he awkwardly attempted to converse with the koala guy. "What are you doing out here?"

The koala guy immediately cut to the chase. "I would be beary appreciative if you stepped out of the bearhicle." He spoke in a deep yet slightly childish voice.

This guy's definitely carjacking us.

Eddy didn't seem to catch on. "Uh, I'm sorry but it's hot out there and I don't have any sunscre-."

The koala guy pulled a Block 43 handgun from his pocket that's upper slide was covered in koala stickers. "It would be beary nice if you cooperated."

Eddy's hands were visibly shaking as they rested on the steering wheel. He sat silently, completely frozen up from fear.

"If you don't get out soon, I'm going to be beary ang-!"

I had nearly forgotten that Chadhuahua was still in the back. The dog leapt out of the truck's bed and while in mid air latched its teeth onto the koala guy's wrist. He shouted in pain, as he flailed his arm around with the dog still attached to it.

Go, dumbass!

I chimed loudly to snap Eddy out of his Dazed. Immediately, he slammed his foot down on the gas pedal as if it were made of lead. The truck shot forward, away from the weird bear guy and that psychotic dog.

What are the odds? Our two problems resolved each oth-...

I spoke too soon, as something burst out from a dune behind us. It was a dune buggy with a decal of a chibi brown bear head on its hood. The driver was a guy in a panda bear Onesie. Beside him was another guy in a polar bear bear onesie and in the back seat was the koala guy from before, still with the chihuahua latched onto him.

"They're going to kill us!" Eddy Cried.

Then you better keep driving.

We sped onward as they continued pursuing. There was a sudden cracking noise, as a 9mm bullet whizzed through the back window, right between Eddy and I and out the windshield, leaving a small hole with crack around it.

"Mommy!" Eddy screamed, pressing even harder down on the gas pedal, topping out the F-160's speed. Just out in the distance, our destination was in view…