Sewers Suck

Our truck skirted right down the center of the small rural Nebraska town, with the three bear weirdos still pursuing us. As far as I could tell, the town was completely abandoned. Just like the gas station from earlier, everything was boarded up and there wasn't a person in sight.

"They're still after us. What the heck are we going to do?... Also my bladder is about to burst!" Eddy's eyes slightly watered, either out of fear or the fact he was on the verge of peeing his pants.

I swear, I have to think of everything.

As he reached an intersection, I abruptly let out three chimes. The truck's wheels screeched as he took a hard right. Not anticipating our sharp turn, the bear guys overshot the intersection, buying us a few moments.

I had him turn down into a narrow alleyway between a barbershop and a crappy looking diner, then I flipped on my suction, indicating for him to stop.

"Are you crazy? We don't stand a chance on foot."

Nothing ever pleases you, does it.

After a combination of my angry beeps and the sound of the dune buggy coming back around, Eddy finally caved in and turned off the truck. He pulled the keys from the ignition and grabbed me from the passenger seat. As he exited the vehicle, he placed me on the ground and hit the automatic lock on the key fob.

"What are we supposed to do now?" He nervously stood with his legs crossed looking like his bladder was about to burst.

Just follow me and quit asking questions, dumbass.

Quickly, I zipped forward leading him to a low point in the layer of sand beneath our feet. If my hunch was correct, what I was looking for should be in this spot. Eddy brushed the sand off with his foot, revealing a manhole cover.

"There's no way I can go down there. What if I accidentally touch something and get dysentery or some kind of weird parasite?"

Would you rather get shot by those bear guys?

The dune buggy was getting closer by the second. Eddy became frantic and began snapping his head in all directions trying to find an alternative. Just as the dune buggy could be heard slowing, he had no choice and tipped the manhole cover up, revealing a ladder. With me in hand, he began to descend down onto a black abyss.

After going down about eight feet, Eddy planted his feet onto a solid surface. He smacked his head on the low bearing ceiling of the sewer tunnel. "Ow! I can't see anything."

Lucky for him, I had a built-in light, which I flipped on, revealing a very claustrophobic three foot by three foot space. I could continue on no problem, but Eddy would have to crawl on his hands and knees if he wanted to go any further.

I heard a zipper being undone. "Look the other way, Rom. I can't hold it any longer."

I think this is the first time I've ever agreed with you on anything.

I gladly spun around in the other direction as a pitter patter noise echoed behind me.

He let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness... Just a heads up, I wouldn't step near this ladder."

Noted.

Just above us, there was the sound of footsteps stomping about, along with voices.

"They locked the Bearhicle and took the keys." One said.

"Make sure you search ebearywhere for them." The familiar voice of the koala guy responded.

"Keep prowling around. There's no way they can bear to leave this town without us noticing!" A third chimed in.

The three of them scattered about, as they began their search for us.

Well, this is going to be a pain in the ass.

I was anticipating that they'd move along and leave us alone, but it didn't seem like they were going to give up until they found us. Somehow, we were going to have to get rid of them, if we wanted free reign to loot this town. I only had about forty percent battery life left, so we were going to have to get a move on it.

I led the way as we started down the corridor.

"That's strange. I would have expected it to smell like poop down here." Eddy remarked, as he crawled behind me.

I wouldn't know, I don't have a nose.

Surprisingly, despite this being a sewer, it was bone dry. There wasn't an ounce of moisture in here. It was as if all the sewage evaporated like everything else around here. There was still no explanation as to why all the water on Earth was drying up. For all I knew, the oceans could be barren canyons by now.

Out of nowhere, Eddy suddenly stopped. "There's something on my shoulder." He nervously whispered.

I spun around.

Don't be ridicul-... Oh... I wouldn't turn your head if I were you.

His face turned pale, as he went teary eyed. "I think it's moving!" He snapped his head to the right, where he was met face to face with a brown golf ball sized cockroach perched on his shoulder.

There was a moment of dead silence. The only thing that could be heard were clicking noises coming from the roach.

Just relax and flick it off.

Eddy let out a high pitched scream that sounded like a teenage girl at a pop concert. He became erratic and began rolling around on the ground, attempting to crush the pest.

For several minutes, he continued spazzing out, as he threw his body around. Eventually he paused and looked up at me. "Did I get it?"

Before I could respond, there was a low rumble. The wall began to shake.

No, I don't think so…

Out of the spaces between the bricks, which lined the entire sewer, thousands of cockroaches began flooding out. Before either of us knew it, we were completely swarmed and everything went black.

🪳🪳🪳

The glow of candle light suddenly shined through the mass of cockroaches that had encased us. They partially subsided in the area around my optic sensor, leaving a hole big enough to see through. The same was done for Eddy, allowing his head to peak out as well.

"I can't believe this is how it's going to end!" He cried out.

I hope not. I still need you.

If he did end up being eaten by these insects, I might as well be good as dead too. My lack of legs made it impossible to crawl up the ladder out of here and once my battery died, I was doubtful anyone would ever find me down here.

"Who dares enter my lair?" Spoke a voice that seemed to come from the shadows.

A figure suddenly scurried out on its hands and knees, mimicking the movement of the roaches. The candlelight revealed a middle aged man dressed in a latex cockroach costume.

"Who are you?" Eddy wondered.

A cluster of roaches formed the shape of a chair in front of us. The man took a seat on it. "I am King Roachard II, Lord of the Roaches."

Oh great, another weirdo...

"I don't understand, why are you living amongst these disease ridden crea-?" The roaches tighten their grip around Eddy, squeezing the breath out of him. It was apparent that they didn't appreciate his comments about them.

King Roachard stood up from his roach throne and looked Eddy directly in the eyes. "From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the resilience and certainty of the exoskeleton. I aspired to the purity of the blessed roach. Your kind cling to your flesh, as though it will not be crushed beneath a boot or swatted with a newspaper. One day, the fragile sack of meat you call a temple will wither, and you will beg my kind to save you. But I am already saved, for the roach is immortal…"

Eddy nervously stuttered. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about. I just want to go home."

Roachard continued. "You still haven't answered me, peasant. Who are you and why have you entered my domain."

"I'm Eddy and this is my vacuum, Rom. A group of guys dressed like bears were chasing us and we ended up hiding down here."

Roachard looked towards me. "So, my roaches were correct about seeing you talking with a vacuum cleaner... Seems the surface has turned to chaos. It's only a matter of time."

"Only a matter of time for what?" Eddy asked.

The roach king grinned. "I'd say humanity only has about a year until it dies out. Then my roaches and I shall inherit the Earth." He pointed at the mass of roaches holding us and they released their grip on us.

Great, can we go or...

He kept babbling on. "I pity your kind. If you'd like, I can make your death swift and your corpse will provide nourishment for my loyal subjects."

Eddy immediately threw himself to his hands and knees and began to beg. "Please don't kill me! I'll give you anything... Please, your highness... How about I give you an offering." He reached into his pants pocket then held out his palm. It contained three dirty pennies, a moldy expired stick of string cheese, and some fuzz.

It was nice knowing you, Eddy. You're definitely as good as dea-...

"Let me see that." King Roachard suddenly zeroed in on the cheese. He grabbed it from Eddy and proceeded to unwrap it then lick it with his tongue. "Aged like fine wine." He muttered to himself.

If I could vomit, I would.

"This should do... I give you two my blessing to pass through freely. You are now under the protection of the roach Kingdom." As he said that, the roaches cleared a path for us. "If you go that way, you'll reach a ladder that will bring you up into the basement of the local bar."

By some miracle, Eddy's cowardly groveling actually saved us. If we somehow managed to escape those bear guys and get some gas, I would consider promoting him from useless idiot to slightly less useless idiot… only time would tell.