Congratulations! You Are Now a Fugitive!

And that, dear reader, is how the flamingos won the war.

Wait...That wasn’t what I meant to say.

Anyway.

Kaito Sasaki was having the worst day of his life— Maybe even the worst day of anyone’s life, if we take into account the fact that he was now officially a fugitive.

“You’re telling me the police want to arrest me for killing a mascot?” Kaito shouted as he and Hana darted through a crowded street, narrowly avoiding a food stand selling what looked like...a single emoji on a plate. He knew the world was dumb, but damn.

“It’s not just a mascot,” Hana shot back, grabbing his sleeve and yanking him out of the way of a patrolling officer. “It’s Duo. The world is falling apart, of course people need someone to throw the blame at.”

Kaito barely managed to suppress a groan. Oh, great. He was humanity’s scapegoat now.

Behind them, a pair of officers, struggling against their own rapidly deteriorating ability to issue coherent arrest warrants, shouted something that sounded like, "STOP! U AM UNDER… DETAINMENTED!"

Kaito turned to Hana. "I’m not a legal expert, but I think that means we should run."

"Yeah, i think that's a good idea."

They bolted.

As they ran through the city, Kaito noticed just how much worse things had gotten. Shopkeepers had given up on writing prices, instead just putting the amount of money each product would cost next to it and gesturing wildly. Public transportation had been reduced to mime performances, with bus drivers flailing their arms to indicate destinations. A digital billboard flickered ominously above them, reading:"GO FAST SAFE!"

"This is my life now," Kaito muttered between breaths.

Hana pulled him into an alleyway, pressing him against the wall just as an officer skidded past.

She shot him a glare. "We need to get out of the open. I know someone who might be able to help."

Kaito raised a brow. "Shouldn't you be that someone? You literally work for Duolingo!"

"Used to work for them. Past tense. I quit before things got... weird."

Kaito threw his hands up. "Oh, that’s great. So the one person who should know how to fix this decided to rage-quit. Amazing."

Hana shot him a glare. "Besides, I only worked on the system that ran Duo’s notifications so I wouldn't be much help anyway."

Kaito stopped. "Wait a minute. So, YOU'RE the reason the owl haunts people in their dreams?"

"Look, we all have regrets."

"No, no, no. You single-handedly created the most terrifying push notifications in history, and you’re just gonna say ‘we all have regrets’ like you accidentally ordered pineapple on pizza?"

"User engagement was up!" Hana tried to defend herself

"BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE TERRIFIED!" Kaito nearly tripped over a fallen streetlight. "You built a system that turned Duo into a grammar-obsessed hitman."

"And it worked!" Hana said, pointing an accusing finger at Kaito. "Until someone decided to lose his streak!"

Kaito shuddered. "Point taken. So who's this guy who can help?"

"My old coworker. If someone knows what the hell is going on, he's the guy."

"Wait. Wait, wait, wait. How do we know this guy isn’t affected by the whole ‘words dying’ thing?"

"We don't. But from what I’ve seen, it looks like the dumber people are getting hit first. The smarter you are, the longer you hold on."

Kaito blinked. "Huh. That… actually makes sense." He nodded thoughtfully. "That explains why the politicians went down first."

Hana rolled her eyes. "Come on!"

Before Kaito could process the implications of his survival being tied to the very woman responsible for the most terrifying app on the planet, Hana pulled him forward. "If my coworker is still sane, they might have an answer." 

After what felt like an eternity of running, they finally reached the house of Hana’s ex-coworker—a suburban home with an excessive amount of security cameras and what looked suspiciously like a turret on the roof.

Kaito panted, "This guy lives in a fortress?"

"Software engineers take security seriously."

"Oh, great. A conspiracy nut. That makes me feel so much better."

Immediately, the entire house lit up.

Bright flashing lights illuminated the windows, and suddenly, a cheesy game show tune blared from unseen speakers. The front door’s speaker crackled to life.

"WELCOME, CONTESTANTS! READY TO WIN YOUR WAY INSIDE?"

Kaito blinked. "Hana. Explain. Now."

Kaito turned to Hana. "Why does your friend’s security system think it’s running a game show?!"

"AI corruption. The systems are breaking down just like everything else. It probably doesn’t know what it’s doing anymore."

A spotlight clicked on, illuminating them as if they were on stage. The front door transformed into a massive screen displaying the words: ‘LET’S PLAY!’. Confetti exploded from somewhere.

A giant countdown appeared on a screen above the door.

"ROUND ONE: SPELL A CORRECT WORD!"

"Wait, what?" Kaito gawked as a giant buzzer rose from the ground. A robotic voice read out:

"Your word is... 'onomatopoeia.'"

Kaito’s soul left his body. "We are so dead."

A second voice—Siri—chimed in. "SPELL CORRECTED OR YOU ARE ELIMINATED! You have 10 seconds!"

Kaito's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, what does she mean by eliminated?!"

The clock ticked down. 10... 9...

Kaito hesitated, his mind experiencing the mental equivalent of the spinning wheel of death. The sound of the countdown didn't help at all.

8...7...

"Just spell something!" Hana shouted.

He slammed the buzzer. "O-N-O... uh... M-A-T... T-O-P-E... I-A?"

Silence.

"INCORRECT!" Siri cheered.

The floor beneath him disappeared.

"OH FOR FU—"

Kaito barely had time to scream before he hit a slide, tumbling downward at an alarming speed. The walls around him flickered with glitchy text, like a corrupted video game interface.

Hana stared down the slide, sighed, and jumped in after him.

They landed hard on the floor of what appeared to be a dark basement. Before they had time to get up, bright floodlights exploded to life, illuminating the whole room. A massive digital screen lowered from the roof, displaying an AI-generated Steve Harvee, - the legally distinct digital host- who smiled just a little too wide. Confetti cannons fired into the air, showering them with pieces of paper that all read “ERROR 404: NO LANGUAGE FOUND.”

“Congratulations!” Siri announced. “You have failed! But that means you advance to round two!”

A hidden door opened, revealing a massive game show-style obstacle course. Except everything was labeled in absolute nonsense.

One sign read, ‘JUMP OVER THE THING OR DO NOT’ above what appeared to be a series of large, suspiciously unstable platforms.

Another sign simply said, ‘DON’T FALL LOL’.

Kaito buried his face in his hands. "I hate everything."