Shaving the world, one gorilla at a time

Disbelief plastered itself on my face as I stared at the scene before me. Ivy was beating Machi senseless, all with her head and face encased in wax.

Ivy panted like a maniac as she ripped the wax of her head and face. "Fucking whores... FUCKING WHORES! GIVE ME MY FUCKING HAIR BACK!" she shouted as she kicked a bloodied and beaten Machi across the room.

Machi hit the wall with a thud, and slid down motionless, next to the equally motionless and lifeless Miércoles. They were dead, and Ivy was now completely bald, devoid of eyebrows and eyelashes too.

"Job well done, don't ya think, Jeter?" Silas sneered as he waved away the scene with his hand.

"Why? Why the hell did you do this!?" I fumed.

Silas shot me a smirk as he leaned back in his seat. "You were out, and being the caring man that I am, I couldn't bare to let things sit for a week, so I decided to do you a favor and write something up while you were out."

"And I hate it! Ivy won the bout, yet you come in and not only steal it from her, but make Miércoles engage in the bullshit as well! That's character assassination!"

"Which is why she's now dead, along with Machi. Now you don't need to worry about-"

"THIS IS MY WORLD! Those girls are my creations... Don't just go messing with them when I'm incapable of stopping you from doing so!"

"And how long will you two shout for? It seems a guest has arrived," Josie sneered as the double doors to the room swung open.

In stepped a frantic Momo, who eyed us down.

"Ook, ook, you here, and you bald. So sexy, me want rub head, ook, ook," Ookley cooed as he began beating his chest and making standard gorilla noises.

Momo shot him a disgusted glare. "No head rubbing till you ensure the world's survival."

"Oh sure, ook, ook. You just need to pass one final test, ook, ook," Ookley smirked as he tossed Momo a pair of hair clippers.

"Um, what do I do with these?"

"What you think you gotta do, ook, ook," Ookley lustfully grinned as he plopped himself sideways on the floor and gazed intently at Momo's head.

...

Oh shit. He knows. And wait, why's everyone here have hair!? Is it a rules for thee, not for me type bullshit law?

"Ook, come on sexy, make me a smooth Ookley, ook, ook."

Um, excuse me, what the fuck?

"Ook, shave Ookley bald, ook, ook. Ookley want to be bald gorilla. Want pretty girl to shave him bald, ook, ook. You do it, Ookley shave the world- I mean shave the world bald."

Wow, the tongue slip was intentional. So let me get this straight, to shave the- SAVE the world, I gotta turn this fat ape into bald fetish fuel, then he'll make us all bald, and we survive... Well, guess it's not the worst fate.

"Alright, I'll shave your ass bald."

The gorilla smirked and with the snap of his fingers, a shopping cart full of hair removal products appeared next to him.

"Where'd that shit-"

"V.V. shippers."

"And the Vs stand for?"

"Varjude valdkond, ook ook."

"Whatever."

I cautiously inched over to the shopping cart and stared at it and it's contents. Underworldly purple flames were surrounding the cart like an aura, REALLY making me not want to stick my hand anywhere near it. But for me and the world, mostly me, I gotta shave the gorilla bald with Satan's shaving cream, so let's get this shit over with.

I reached my hand in and managed to pull out the hair clippers. Nothing felt off, but then again, there was no way to tell if years of my life had just been sucked away without my knowing or consent.

"Alright fatso, time for the most humiliating moment of your life," I snarled as I flicked on the clippers.

As soon as the clippers made contact and sent orange fur tumbling to the ground, the fat ape began howling like a lunatic.

"Um, the fuck?"

"OOK! OOK! OO EE AH AH! OOK!"

"Wow, talk about a sick fuck. Anyone got a gag?" the goth girl asked.

The sleezy politician guy tossed her a piece of cloth, which was then tossed to me.

"Ook, you... You tie me up too?" the ape cooed.

Whether I wanted to or not, the assembly line had already moved and sent a pile of rope towards me.

"And why do you have all that on you?" the fashion bitch asked the politician guy.

"Pleasure," he responded with an eerie smile.

That smile really rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't a "I'm a masochist perv" smile, more like a "I'm a malicious kidnapper" smile. I knew politicians were shit, but didn't think we'd be getting the kind that usually only exist in conspiracy theories in the flesh.

Anyway, I tied up the fat ape and resumed the shaving. Even though there was a fucking gag in his mouth, the fat ape still howled like a sex-crazed lunatic, and I'd barely even buzzed a bald streak.

You know what, fuck this.

Tossing aside the clippers I reached back into Cthulhu's eldritch shopping cart and grabbed the bottle labeled, "Depilatory cream oil: Sizzles away any hope of you ever having hair again" and decided to go for it. Unscrewing the cap, I dumped it all on the fat ape, and watched as his fur began to sizzle away. I couldn't tell if his screams were pained ones, or fetishy ones, but I don't want to know.

What does matter is now that the fat ape's completely furless... I'm actually kind of... shocked?

I honestly don't know how to describe it. I'm staring at a smooth blubbery bound and gagged ape, but without his fur, he just looks like a fat ball of blubber. This image is obviously cursed, which must be why it's causing my brain to malfunction, though don't get me wrong, it's purely from shock. If anyone else saw this blubbery sight before them the same "cringe of disbelief" as I dub it, would be on their faces too.

"Oomph, oo ap e [Ook, you slap me]?" the bald blubber mass cooed.

I hate that I could understand that.

"Alright, fatso, you want a slap, you're gonna get one!"

And just as I slapped the blubbery bastard on what BETTER have been his head, cuz it's kind of hard to tell now, the doors swung open and in came a spraytanned and pissed off bald bitch.

"Momo, I'm gonna beat your bald head black n' blue for this!"

Oh shit it's Ivy. She might be bald, but her temper is through the roof. If she finds out about my hair, I'm fucked.