Goodbye Helpless World

***

Kaito

As I gazed up at the glittering stars, my phone began vibrating..

A phone call? I’m already with Mira—who else could be calling? Without a moment to think, I reached into my left pocket and grabbed my phone, shaking off the remnants of snow. It only took a quick glance at my phone, just for the sudden sensation of dread to start kicking at my chest.

Of course…how could I forget?

I had a suspicion Mira was glancing over to check who was calling me, I could hear the faint sound of her coat wiggling, pressing against the bench, but I was still deciding whether to pick up the phone call or not.

Why? At a time like this? Can’t even live for a moment without these suffocating chains wrapping around my neck, pulling me back to reality.

The reality of this helpless world.

It’s probably some stupid forum isn’t it? The ones I have to fill out or something, those can wait. I’ll just have to swing by tomorrow.

No, something felt off.

My instinct reaction would be to ignore this call, I couldn’t help feeling that maybe it was something else.The sensation started spreading from my chest to my feet.

Just hear them out. Get it over with. I struggled to convince myself.

As I stood up, I felt the sensation of my feet sinking. The snow must have risen since I arrived, guess I must have been here for at least two hours or so. I took a step away from the bench to get some privacy, each step I took the sinking sensation feeling heavier than the last.

I sighed, as I rested my phone against my ear, I answered reluctantly.

“Yes this is Kaito, what do you want?”

I turned over to look at Mira, she seemed to be purely focused on me. Why does she always feel concerned about me? The way those worrisome eyes were gazing at me made me feel…

Repulsed.

My attention soon diverted back to the phone call.

“Can you repeat that?”

A brief moment passed. My hand gripped tightly at my phone, I felt a sense of urgency awaiting.

Is it really happening now?

I knew this would happen eventually. They spent all these years trying to figure out what’s happening and didn’t find shit, now they expect me to take over something they haven’t solved?

“...”

She is going to be confined in that eternal white prison forever.

She’s not living at this point, she’s just trying to survive, for what?

There seems to be no hope in sight, even though I've lost faith that she will make a recovery.

They offered to end her suffering, but my mother proudly refused…

I couldn’t understand her refusal, she’s suffering, why continue?

What was waiting for her, she’s living just to die in that cold place.

“We expect a first payment in the following month,” said the person on the call.

After that they hung up the phone, these people didn’t have any care in their voice, no consideration for others. Though I guess that’s hypocritical of me to say right? But then again, my profession doesn’t involve the well-being of others, they are different. It’s all about money to them.

The structure of the world was inherently selfish, most people look back at history and ignorantly proclaim how the society of today is perfect in comparison. Ignorant to the fact that we’ve been repeating those same mistakes to others, they suffer, and we selfishly prosper from their suffering.

The world is full of ignorance.

I glanced back at the stars, swearing I could see a star fading out, maybe that was my imagination.

I’ll take a detour to pay a visit.

Mira’s facial expression still lingered, why were her eyes glued to me, didn't have anything else to latch upon besides my phone call?

“We’ve been here for a while, I got some things to take care of.”

Mira nodded in agreement.

“I guess you're right”, seeming reluctant as ever. “My parents are probably worried sick about me.”

As I walked away leaving a mark of footsteps behind me, Mira called my name.

“Thank you, Kaito.”

What is she thankful for, talking to me? Does she not realise it’s a mutually beneficial situation for the both of us. Mira was the only person I could talk to, I don’t seek that of course, but I can’t deny that it has some benefit to my well being. Well whatever the case is, I’d rather take this then her questioning me, to where I was heading.

I brushed off her comment and continued off.

As I continued walking heading towards my destination, the imagery of Mira’s eyes still lingered in my mind.

Why was it bothering me so much? This wasn’t the first time someone looked at me with those eyes. When I was younger, before my mother fell ill, she used to give me that same look–eyes filled with concern. Why would Mira have those same eyes? She wasn’t blood related or anything, yet the worry in her gaze mirrored my mother’s so perfectly that it unsettled me.

At that time I could partly understand why my mother felt concerned. I was in middle school during that time, getting into fights and constantly causing trouble. All parents would feel concerned about their child well–No not all parents. A glimpse of my father unveiled in my head.

I instinctively shoved that sight from my mind–no point to dwindle on that.

Going back to my mother, I could partly understand, but emotionally? I couldn’t comprehend it. Though I guess I don’t have a child of my own, though it's not like I was dying or anything, but yet she seemed concerned about what I was doing. In my mind it doesn’t matter what another person is doing, as long as they had a logical reason, that was fine by me.

Cars drove past me, their rear view light blinding me as I walked on the pavement. The snow started to fall down harshly, the wind picking up as well. I only noticed then that my body was abnormally numb, I was out for a little too long it seemed.

I finally arrived at my destination, Tokyo Medical Research Centre.

As I walked in, I could already hear the constant sound of distant beeps coming from the machines. The sound was almost haunting, a constant reminder to everyone that a person could be dying in the building at any moment. As I walked towards the receptionist, I saw a foreigner talking to them. It was clear that he couldn’t speak Japanese, but he seemed to be in distress, not uncommon I guess.

The foreigner seemed to be using a live translator of sorts from his phone, from what I’ve gathered he wanted to make an appointment regarding some type of cancer. Maybe he needed medication or something, though I wasn’t quite sure. What I was sure of though was the receptionist attitude, she seemed the least bit interested in what the man was suffering through, more concerned about his money than anything else.

I noticed the other receptionist waving, indicating that it’s my turn. I approached the receptionist and asked to visit my mother. They told me the room number, like I haven’t been aware of for years. Regardless I persisted and started heading towards the room.

Walking down the corridor, a strange déjà vu settled over me—the hollow silence, the echo of footsteps trailing behind, and the weight of helplessness. It all felt eerily like that stupid dream from earlier, unlike my dream the circumstances I’m being presented here were real.

Though the sensation felt familiar, the context of the situation wasn't alike at all.

As I inched further, I could read the room number next to the door.

Room 403

Approaching the door, I could hear the sounds of wheezing coming from the room. The sound didn’t sound harsher or lighter than when I visited previously, still the same it seems.

I twisted the door-knob and gently opened the door.

The creak of the door was apparent as I pushed it open, the light from the hallway illuminated the dim room. The faint glow of the machines were flashing, it was the only light source in the room. As I pushed the door further, the light started illuminating on my mothers frail body.

My eyes were locked for a moment, was her body this frail before? I couldn’t tell if it was my imagination or the reality of her declining health. The imagery of my mother popped up again, back when she wasn’t constrained by these walls, she looked strong. Looking at her now gave the opposite impression, why did it all lead to this…

I grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it next to my mother's bed. The harsh scraping sound could be heard across the room violently.

As I sat down, I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees, my head hanging low. I couldn’t dare to look at my mother for too long, it pained me.

My mind felt like it was running in circles, a rare occasion where I truly felt lost.

“Mother” I muttered under my breath, the slight crackling of my voice could be heard “I don’t know what to do.”

I held both my hands together out of desperation. I wasn’t a religious man, nor did I pretend to be, but if there was a slim chance, I’d want someone to help my mother…

Why did it all come to this?

The only light in my depressing life is slowly fading away, and like a helpless child there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve only stayed in this place for her, without her existence I’d truly be lost. Is this the concern she had for me when I was younger? If that’s so, I can understand her.

When she first started to feel ill, she could still communicate with me. Even as her health declined, even as she was struggling to let her words out, she refused to end this suffering. Now she can’t even speak a word…let alone move her frail body…I want her to die peacefully, but at the same time…

I don’t want her to go…

This is my selfish desire.

I have that choice for her right? To pull the plug, it hurts me to see her like this. What would she do? Why am I asking such a stupid question, my mother would never give up. I don’t feel like giving up my mother either…that’s a stubborn trait I share with her.

“Mother, I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, I’m sorry. For everything, for all the trouble I caused you when I was young, for the arguments we’ve had, and my problems that caused you concern.”

No response, just a deafening silence. I laid my head on my mother’s lap, there wasn’t any warmth…

“I wish you’d respond, I’d want you to give me something, a sign or anything, I’ll accept it no matter what. I want to know if I’m talking to an empty shell or you…please…”

H-huh?

That moment I felt something scraping my head, it was a light touch, but it was something. I froze. Was it just my imagination? No…it is something. A trembling touch, I could feel it was it…

My mother’s hand? It was moving ever so slowly, like she was trying to stroke my head.

M-mother…

I could feel my vision getting watery, I’m crying…I don’t care, I got what I wanted right? Mother you're still there aren’t you?

I don’t want to move…I just want to stay here a little longer…

My heartbeat steadied, my body felt relaxed and my eyes started to feel tired. I could really fall asleep here huh? I wouldn’t mind that…even if I were to sleep forever, It wouldn’t be so bad either.

For the first time, the constant beeping from the machines didn’t bother me. They were just a noise, fading into the background…

I’m… starting… to sl—

***

My eyes raised up slowly, I thought I was dreaming for a moment then suddenly I realized—

I’m lying on a cold marble floor, this wasn’t the hospital, where am I?

I glanced around, only to see a thick white fog surrounding me.

I’m here again…this hallway of mirrors..

No red mist this time? Well that’s a relief, but this is all strange regardless. Is it a coincidence that I have the same dream back to back? Is it possible this is something else?

Suddenly a beam of light came from my backside, the presence of the light broke through the thick fog, leaving a visible trail towards something.

I got nothing to lose at this point, might as well go there.

Slowly I headed towards the beam of light, I tried to cover my eyes with my hand so that the light wouldn’t strain my eyes.

This feels far too realistic for it to be a dream…

As I walked I noticed the mirrors on both my sides still showed indescribable figures, they weren’t my reflection. Though this time, they’re not cracking as I walk past them…

Suddenly I noticed what was creating that beam of light…It was that mirror from last time. That mirror that showed a reflection of a baby…who was that anyways?

As I approached the shining mirror, the light emitting from it started to dim, I could see the reflection of the mirror now, but it wasn’t me.

I saw a vast blue sky. Doves soared past a nearby house. This house looked a little bit old? Am I looking into the past? Suddenly the mirror switched to somebody’s point of view…I could see a beautiful lady with white long hair looking directly at me. Her smile was apparent, it was so wide, you could tell she was full of joy. Her arms reached towards my prescription and I was now looking at her from an upside angle, is she holding a baby?

I could hear nothing from the mirror but suddenly—I could hear the woman’s voice.

“Seyren, that’s your name. You like it?”

Seyren? What an odd name…

“If only your father was here, he’d be overfilled with joy.”

Father?

Suddenly the scene changed, like time was moving forward rapidly, I couldn't memorize any of the details but suddenly the scene stopped winding forward.

A scene of the woman kneeling down, brushing Seyren's hair with a faint hint of sadness in her eyes. Based on the angle it looks like this Seyren person is now a young child.

“I’ll be back soon,” she said.

Then, she turned to leave.

The mirror turned completely empty showing nothing.

Huh?

As my hand reached for the mirror, white mist flared out, surrounding me.

I can’t see anything! It’s all just white.

The mist wrapped around me, pressing against my skin harshly, causing my vision to darken. My lungs are struggling, and my legs are giving out.

I wasn’t just suffocating.

I was being pulled towards the mirror, I need to lea—