You can say that I have a superpower. Or maybe it is just that I have a very good intuition.
Whenever something bad is about to happen, I have this weird feeling in my heart that I can’t put into words. It gnaws at me every day, eating me away.
I first had this feeling when I was five years old. I was confused. I didn’t know what was happening. I was getting restless. Finally, after five or so days that weird feeling subsided. Or rather, it was replaced by another feeling. Something more heavy and dreadful.
Back then, that weird uneasiness was replaced by the feeling of having lost someone important. I had lost my father. I was still a small child and didn’t know what was happening. But though I was a child I could still know that I won’t be able to see my father anymore. That feeling was so heavy for the small me that the uneasiness went poof.
After that, the uneasiness never assailed me. I had thought that it was only that once and I was somewhat relieved.
Then again, after four years, when I was 9 years old, the same weird uneasiness assaulted me. After about a week of feeling that, my grandmother died.
When I was 13 years old, that uneasiness stroke again. That time my cousin, who was three years older than me, and whom I really admired, died in an accident.
When I was 15, that uneasiness grew in me again. That time my mother had a terrible accident. Although she didn’t die and somehow wasn’t injured that severely, it still was a terrible one. I went limp after I saw the condition of the car that my mom was in. It was crushed almost as if it was a mere sheet of paper.
And that was when I realized. It was a superpower that was granted to me by God.
You can easily see that my life is full of tragedies. So, maybe, God wanted me to know beforehand that another tragedy was about to happen, so I can prepare in advance.
I am now 18 years old. And that feeling has now started gnawing at me again. It has been about five days since I had started having that same feeling of restlessness and uneasiness.
And here I am, in the cold hospital room, standing in the door, watching her lay in bed.
Damn it. Again?
“Sam.” She called my name.
I forced my leg to move. The small distance between the door and the bed felt like miles to me.
I dropped to my knees and tightly clasped her hand in mine. Those warm hands that used to caress me were cold as ice now. I didn’t realize that tears were dropping on my hands.
“I am sorry.”
Why does this keep happening to me? Why does everyone leave me behind? Isn’t once more than enough? How many times is this going to happen again? I don’t want this. I don’t want this.
“Don’t leave me, mom.”
“Ah, before I left, I at least wanted to see my son fulfilling his dream. But I guess that’s not going to pass.” She said while gently caressing my cheeks with her hands.
“I will fulfill my dream. Yeah, I will! So, please just wait! Live and see for yourself!”
I cried. If you really want to see your son fulfilling his dream and being happy, then don’t just go away like this. I yelled in my heart.
The bell from the nearby shrine rang. It was now 4 in the morning. The bell signaled the start of another day. But to me, weirdly enough, it somehow sounded like a knell.
Her hands still in my cheeks, with a lovely smile on her face, her body went pale. It was almost as if she was frozen. When what had happened dawned on me, I couldn’t suppress it any longer.
I cried and wailed, my voice echoing through the hospital walls.
I knew crying will not solve anything. It won’t bring back my mom. But still, in that cold hospital room, beside the cold body of my mother, I wept for hours.